So other than my taste buds were acting funky, as yesterday things tasted bland and today the immune system booster I took had a light flavor. Today I feel like I have the mild flu, which probably is thanks to having my vaccine.
Today I have a follow-up appointment as a procedural check-in, I assume when you test positive. But I have so many questions to ask. Which me being a science geek, might but considering that this COVID virus is random af. They might not have the answers to explain why the pain levels went from agonizing, crying pain that I held in to avoid making those around me not feel guilty about me catching COVID. Knowing my family and where I learned my behaviors, I changed before writing my first book. They would have thrown themselves on the cross and would have blamed themselves that they were the reason why this happened to me. But the truth is as I’ve taken as many precautions and contracted it from an unmasked person. The mentality needs to be it’s not “if” we get it. It’s a matter of “when” we get it. And if it was hell the first few days with a vaccine. Well, I hope the unfortunate unvaccinated soul doesn’t go through the same pain I went through. By the way, I still respect your decision not to get vaccinated or not wear a mask.
The one thing that I will call out is that those who use to mock me about my proactive protection from the worst-case scenario have avoided me like the plague, which contradicts what they were saying prior. Wearing their “you’re a conformist” flag, I don’t want to get sick now. I don’t blame them, as this new variant has been hitting more people’s reality than before. Since I contracted it six days ago, two of my closest friends who had relatives die from this new variant, while two are recovering from itand being the lifeline to those who show symptoms. A support system to those who are now concerned about what to expect. Which it’s an unfortunate thing that for us to learn a lesson, we have to personally feel emotional or physical trauma to change our ways. But if we could swallow our pride and not take warnings as people trying to control us. Maybe we wouldn’t have to learn the hard way. But I guess that’s how human nature is.
Other than my taste buds were acting funny, where today I could taste orange juice for a second. I am pretty optimistic that I’ve gotten through the worst part of this virus. Or at least I’m going to stay optimistic because the reality is it’s too unpredictable. But we will find out about today’s tele-visit appointment. But the most refreshing thing about this is that no one in the house has shown symptoms. Which it’s either a blessing from a higher power or the OCD approach of handwashing, mask-wearing, daily disinfecting with Micro-ban24, air sanitizing with my Alpine Air, and air purifying. But one thing that I am fortunate to feel is that I did all I could in my power to prevent others from getting infected.
So I don’t know what is worst, the body aches or the constant shortness of breath. As today the shortness of breath finally kicked in. My chest hurts from the coughing and we got a new little friend in town, flem. As it feels like my lungs are getting the brunt on this now.
It’s only day five but I really feel Luke I should already be on day 8 as it feels like it should already be there from the pain and agony it’s already put me through now with the shortness of breath. Which I think the shortness of breath is probably the most disturbing symptom you can develop. Especially when your asleep, as it comes random and unexpected makes you feel like someone is drowning you or suffocating you when it develops in your sleep. As having a dream that was really nice, ended up turning into a nightmare where I was trapped underwater.
The body aches are mild now, kind of Luke when you develop the flu, which I hope is how the rest of this COVID experience goes as the last five days were utter hell. With the body aches, stomach issues, and the going from fever then chills. Is probably the worst feeling ever. And the crappy thing is that I can’t taste orange juice now, which I hope is only temporary with having the vaccine and all.
After reading a science article about the virus and how it’s mutating, it was predicted that this is what would wipe out the human race, as the constant spread of this virus continues as many become skeptical of the vaccine and the the desire to not wear masks due to their ineffectiveness. But the truth is it’s shown to work since so far no one has contracted COVID. As one of my routines is to spray Microban daily on all the hard surfaces which last for 24 hours. Along with washing my hands and using a air sanitation device that kills any viruses and bacteria from the air. Which lets not be optimistic yet. I’m still on my 5th day. But how that it feels a little more like flu now, I think I’m going to be okay.
So as being a writer, everything becomes writing material. I decided to make my COVID quarantine a blog as many people are curious about how this feels. Which is the widespread consensus on the fear that people have of this pandemic, seeming to be that the majority gain denial and resentment. As many rationalize with themselves, either avoid me altogether or disregard the whole diagnosis to begin with. It for sure had painted a picture of who in fact is someone who genuinely cares for me and someone who doesn’t. Which in the end is a blessing in disguise. As truth is, someone who doesn’t have control of their personal feelings are more prone to being an ingenue human being.
So my body said “sike” on the stomach symptoms as they came back. In addition to that, I’m lying in bed with the heater on to avoid hyperthermia. Since these chills seem to come when it’s 81 degrees outside in San Antonio, TX. The body aches aren’t as bad, but enough to have me swipe text the blog post on the update of having COVID.
The headache that I had, in the beginning, has been super mild, tolerable as it just feels like a mild migraine, compared to before where it felt like I had my head being drilled by four jackhammers. Still, not having an appetite. I’m going to have to force myself to eat to get proper nourishment so I can fight this mother fucker.
It’s only been four days, but it feels longer, maybe because of the anxiety it’s causing about if I’m going to infect others in the household. Where the rationalizing about if “I’m going to die, I’m going to die” becomes rationalization from the regret and guilt that comes from putting me in a compromising position. On the plus side, it’s giving me the rest I much needed. Having a complete desire to write and smoke a joint, it becomes difficult to type due to aches extending to my fingertips and toes.
The one obvious thing is those who say it was a hoax created by the government have avoided me altogether, as me having the Delta variant has them forced with facing the truth. A natural reaction in human nature’s defense mechanisms. I don’t take it personally because it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them, which makes me wonder what’s going on in their mind as they continue to do the wild things they did, which psychology says that in rationalizing, people will always try to convince themselves as to why they are exempted from the rule. Maybe it’s entitlement and fear. Or perhaps it’s just carelessness and a lack of self-love. But my only hope as this Delta variant gets worst. That they don’t catch this as I don’t wish this upon anyone—even my worst enemy.
Sorry I have been out of touch, and for good reason. As COVID has hindered my ability to write a full blog. With the stabbing pains, the consistent headache, and the constant stomach issues it has inducing. Not to mention the sharp pains and the difficulty in breathing it’s inducing as well. Considering that I’m vaccinated, I can’t even imagine how it feels for those unvaccinated. In the meantime, here is something to think about as I recover from this variant. Take care and stay safe. And I’m fighting to at least see the nee James Gunn “Suicide Squad” movie. What can I say, I’m a die hard sci-fi fan and writer. 🤷🏼♀️ And since this was a blog I wrote yesterday before the movie started. I’m happy to say that I did get my wish.
Hey readers. Thought I would give you guys an update. In helping a friend get some time with family since he’s been short staff at his convenience store. With the leniency on masks and since the Delta being much more contagious, what was taken lightly when a customer mentioned they had COVID, something I shared that was shrugged off. I too caught COVID. As we all been hearing that it stays on surfaces for days at a time, masks can only do so much if you’re not disinfecting the surfaces on the daily. Keep you guys posted and will post as soon as I can.
The thing about anxiety and fear is that it feels like you are living in a box. As fear and anxiety are similar but also different. So let’s clear something up before going into this article by explaining the differences between anxiety and fear. As there is a vast difference between the two, the truth is they are very similar, but at the same time significantly different as Shahram Heshmat Ph.D. from Psychology Today indicates in his article titled “Anxiety vs. Fear. What is the Difference?” Anxiety vs. Fear | Psychology Today, Fear is a reaction to a present danger where anxiety is fear of a potential or unforeseen risk that may or may not present itself in the near future. If you think about it, anxiety is stemmed from something you are afraid of facing again in the future.
A perfect example of this would be toxic or relationships that induced traumatic or excruciating relationships or breakups. Which in my case, being in a very toxic and abusive relationship in the past. Had me in the past avoiding relationships altogether because the truth was. I didn’t trust myself enough not to prevent the relationship. Thus, having me assume that all relationships would end up the same way because I didn’t know how to establish boundaries back then. But I am one to admit to my “pendejadas.” And real talk made me assume and do things through defense mechanisms that made me become a person I honestly wasn’t and a person I didn’t want to be. As stated in the previous blog, my insecurities that past traumas, defense mechanisms, and anxiety caused back in those days.
Anxiety causes so much as it begins to have you afraid of more things than what are. Anxiety, in turn, becomes a fear of the future or future events, which is why many of us are scared of trying new things, as the fear of failure becomes an act of anxiety if you think about it. Because the truth is, we avoid even attempting something new because we are afraid of failure. This is why discrimination becomes a problem because if you begin to think about it. It becomes a fear stemmed from the idea that someone that looks different from them is the one that will cause them harm. We ignore the dangers that are right in front of them, which in my experience are the dangers or people that will cause the present damage in the future, which shouldn’t be confused with phobias, as this is induced by experiences or traumas currently experienced. That in defense mechanisms makes them avoid the unforeseen danger before it starts, which usually stems from childhood trauma.
The one thing I learned in this journey is that you have to face your fears, but to do this effectively. You have to know how to start coping and healing from the past traumas that have occurred. Living life through anxiety and fear is probably dictating your life and making your life feel unfulfilled. In the past, when anxiety and fear dictated my life, I grew envious of other people who possessed the courage to try something new. Of course, being something that I very well knew came from the things that I caused myself because I didn’t dare to face those things head-on after facing my fears and controlling my anxiety. I began to realize that the things that were making me fearful in life. There is nothing to be afraid of because, in every new experience, I jumped into. I found not only pleasure from the new venture. But, I also learned a lot about myself. And in many cases, I felt like an idiot for being scared of the unforeseen.
The truth was, I would never have begun writing because when I use to be afraid through fear and anxiety. I settled for the limits that these emotions stemmed inside of me. It’s hard even to try when it seems like the odds are against it. I know this more than ever. Don’t get it twisted. Many people also settle for degrading things, all for the sake of getting ahead in life. Trying new experiences had me cross paths with a few adult film entertainers, both heterosexual and in the LGBT+ market. As it looks like I mentioned can be very deceiving. You have straight individuals going against their morals to get ahead in life. Many of them live everyday lives, which the look they perceive on social media isn’t as glamorous as it looks. Many of them self-medicate themselves to the point of not being able to do their job. Many of those I gave life coaching advice to was “Stop letting your past dictate who you are now.” As I said before, the past shouldn’t dictate who you are now. Or if you are in the process of becoming, it shouldn’t stop the person who you are becoming.
Many that start in the amateur circuit ends up staying there. Now hindered with a self-conscious mindset, they begin to develop the most anxiety that keeps them moving forward in life. We all have something, and we all make mistakes, but they aren’t meant to make us feel worst about ourselves. They are made for us to grow from them, which is done successfully. Makes us a limitless force. But it starts with us and how we control the way we use our defense mechanisms. Many of us who felt or have felt this way begin to become in denial and rationalize why people give us the advice to see us grow. It is just telling us that because they feel pity or because they are judging us. In the end, it’s the anxieties that make us jump to the conclusion. Where if we don’t gain control of these hindering feelings, we will never get past that moment and miss the opportunity to see just how limitless we are.
When people seek self-help advice, I always noticed that they rationalize why I am the one with the problem—always deflecting their insecurities and why I am the one with the issues in their emotional outburst of both denials about the things they are facing. Many of those individuals become belligerent and defensive with the motive of attempting to induce insecurities. In these situations, many assume that I will avoid the confrontation altogether and begin expressing why this has nothing to do with me everything to do with them. I say it in an unoffensive way. Of course, it only leads to denial in the defense mechanisms that they are inducing to themselves and fleeing from the confrontation altogether. As I mentioned before, these things become a reflection of them and have nothing to do with me. Of course, them leaving the confrontation they created and, in many situations, engaging in anti-social behaviors shows that the fear and anxiety they possess are self-induced. As the anxiety that occurs is the fear of oneself and potential shortcomings.
Many of these perceptions come from advice that is relayed comes from the shortcomings that others had. I firmly believe it doesn’t come from a bad place but comes from the desire to help people. As people who care about people, hate to see others people get hurt. Especially if it’s invested in your well-being, we have to look deep inside ourselves and begin to learn what is causing these fears and anxieties. As for me knowing I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves. It instills hope that they find their way so they can win. Because I want to see, them win if I am going to be completely honest. But we have to become self-motivated if we want to heal from the pain. Because the truth is the only one that can heal and overcome these fears that come from the things that haven’t occurred yet, and start to face the most significant enemy that keeps us from achieving greatness. That enemy is own self.