The Tragic Beauty of my Life Awakening

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Before this beautiful and tragic “life awakening,” I use to be highly insecure. Before I go into the description, let me emphasize the “beautiful and tragic” part about the life awakening. The reason why it’s tragic is that you begin to see things how they are. The misperception about people and the world around you becomes hard to face as the denial you had your whole life becomes a hard pill to swallow. You see just how sinister human nature can be based on the temporary gratifications people settle with to console “ego-defense” mechanisms. But at the same, you gain an understanding through accountability and the lessons you learned through gaining empathy and, above all, self-love and self-efficacy.

The reason why I emphasize ego-defenses is that many people react in specific ways based on the traumas that they experienced in the past that develops their dislike or avoidance of certain people, places, or things. But this usually occurs in the act of displacement and the things they do on fight or flight when someone sees a perceived threat that they have most commonly been avoiding regardless of what someone tells you as denial is one of many common trauma responses that people use to avoid facing their greatest fear that may have been triggered in a post-traumatic experience.

The reason why I know I was insecure was based on the cluster of my defense styles. If you don’t believe me, look up a specific trauma and the common defense mechanisms that those who experience trauma use. Each one has a particular way of coping with the immediate dangers through the various types of defense mechanisms. The fact is that we all have done it based on avoiding reliving those moments of fear, trauma, and pain. In essence, it’s the way we react to keep us safe and sound, but it can turn sideways very quickly when you refuse to heal from these past events. The more you limit yourself in achieving new experiences, that opens you know yourself. And in turn, you’re able to not only emphasize but find a balance in being to establish boundaries. That results in those in denial of their defense styles, and the trauma begins, the more you begin to see just how genuinely insecure the world is.

One of the things that I began seeing is that bullying others and talking wrong about others were the coping mechanisms to feel better about myself. Considering that I have been bullied myself horrifically, it became my way of inflicting the same pain others did to me back then. The irony of it ended because those who triggered that action reminded me of those who did this in the past. Which, in my displacement, ended up being a shitty thing. Although being caring and having a good heart when I wasn’t triggered, I would ask myself the question, “why do bad things happen to bad people.” But after my life awakening, I began to see it differently “how could I expect good things to happen when I did the same shitty things that were undeserving to others?” It was a paradox. I’d you think about it because if the first shot was fired and I reacted defensively from something that I refused to resolve, “how did I seriously expect to have good karma?” Even if I was 90% a good person with having no intention of at least trying to be a good person 100% of the time.

This led to me seeing my actions and the type of defense style I had. I mapped out the reactions based on scenarios. I began to see many consistent patterns, which steered from triggers of feeling incompetent, a response that developed an obsession to be right and using scare tactics to validate my opinion as truth. A behavior we see more consistently in current times. I was needing to be praised and liked, which came from being the outcast of school and from my childhood abandonment issues that caused a hell of a lot of other sabotaging behaviors. But through that tragedy gave me the courage to change and show the compassion and kindness that others need to empower themselves to want to change. We all make mistakes, and we all can learn from them. But how can anyone want to change if they feel that forgiveness could ever be granted? Because another way people commonly cope is by running away from their problems and the pains they refuse to resolve. Because it’s easier to run from the issues and start from scratch. Or at least I thought it was?

Houston was something that needed to happen because things never changed. I realized in my life awakening that I ran away from my problems, moving to Houston and having my guard down from the new start I thought I had. I ended up opening a new door of the issues that stemmed from the ones I ran from. All derive from not resolving my unresolved issues and indulging in getting what I thought I wanted and needed. The friends that I had, of course, ended up appearing to be fake, telling me what I wanted to hear that enabled me to refuse to change my behaviors. The truth was in getting what I wanted, I lost a sense of self-respect, tolerating shitty behaviors, and keeping my head down. Seeing others go through what I went through started to not sit well with me. But the truth was I was afraid to speak up, something that became the biggest fear of my life, after slowly resolving things within myself unknowingly through the positive things happening during my living there. I conquered my fear, and thanks to already identifying defense styles, something I learned about in reading more about psychology and now studying it. I was able to fight back efficiently and effectively, instead of the hot mess I used to do through defense mechanisms, which made me a significant threat. I was told through conversations I still have with some of the genuine friends I still kept in touch with.

The truth is we all have something that has us react the same but at the same time differently based on what we went through in life. The fear and anxiety are not who we are as a person but the aftermath that we react to for one reason. To move on with life, but without going through the grief process in the person, you lost in those moments. How do we expect to find this new version of us if we refuse to live in the past? Because through the self-medicating in filling the things we feel we need based on what our old selfs wanted? Because getting everything, you want when you are still haunted by the demons of the past only leads to never feeling the happiness that our evolved selves wish to when we don’t embrace the power of healing and self-evolution.

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Day 10 of Quarantine- My Bittersweet Recovery

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Today was the first day I woke up feeling 100% like myself today. The weird thing was today, since being diagnosed with COVID, I did something that I haven’t done since I was infected with the virus, which was waking up on my original schedule. Before catching COVID, I would wake up at 6 am to start my day. Consistent with caretaking to make sure everyone I looked after was okay and did not require anything, cleaning out the feathered animal rescues that I’m nursing back to health, and writing. Something I didn’t have the strength to do when I was first infected with COVID. Which all started at 6 AM every morning. Of course using PPE’s to assure I didn’t infect others that I’m caring for, just in case I’m still positive.

I ended up heading to my COVID testing appointment, as the doctor suggested yesterday, to get my post COVID test early since the COVID symptoms were beginning to subside as of yesterday. I ended up heading to the testing site, which had a humorous interaction. Where on the way, someone attempted to mock me as I passed her in a passive-aggressive way, passing me by and saying out loud as she pointed to my mask, “you are one of those!” I ended up replying, “it’s for your safety idiot, I’m on my way to make sure I’m COVID-free!” Which had her avoiding me as she put her mask on. I couldn’t help to say, “I thought you were chingona?”

Today is the first day I have no symptoms, which I’m waiting for the results with my fingers crossed. In addition, I also ordered some home testing kits for my home-bound family members to assure that they also test negative. But the vital thing is no one has shown any signs of symptoms. The experience with COVID has inspired a story plot for a novel I’m story planning to be my 34th completed manuscript since I embarked on this writing journey.

It’s bittersweet in this recovery, as some of those who had gotten infected that I was told about when I was recovering aren’t recovering well. I can’t help to feel, “why couldn’t I take their place?” The sorrow I have comes from empathy for those who are starting to be affected as the cases arise. One of the effects in my hometown is a delayed EMS response due to the rising issues in this paradox that this pandemic has caused. It’s come to the point that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Because the way I see this is that it’s nothing more than a war of being right. Where no compromise can’t be met due to the need of being right and having power, the truth is it affects us all at the end, where science articles that I’ve been reading as lambda variant begin to take its ugly toll that maybe this is how human civilization ends. The truth is, it won’t be because of a COVID pandemic. It will result in the pandemic of “ego” and the obsessive desire “to be right.”

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Day 9 of Quarantine- Almost To Complete Recovery

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Today I woke up almost feeling like myself, as today I woke up with a sore chest. I am assuming that it’s from the coughing that occurred these last eight days. But the refreshing feeling that I got this morning was relief and comfort as I’ve made it to recovery without infecting anyone in the household. Where I will admit, there were some moments that when I was around others who showed signs of symptoms earlier on, I developed a slight hesitation about the effectiveness of the mask. Which being diagnosed with the mask and making it a good habit to wear a mask. The truth is that my experience has proven the effectiveness of proper mask-wearing. And as I was told by a Tweeter the other day that masks are an act of abuse, the truth is mask-wearing at this age is just a good habit that you must develop. Using an opinion article to rationalize this to be an evident fact becomes a paradox of misinformation that, in human nature is ends up being a defense mechanism to subdue to fear that we subconsciously have. And can you blame people? Who claims it’s similar to having the flu? It makes me wonder if they genuinely ever got COVID because it’s worst than catching the flu. The best way that I can describe it is feeling like you are being exorcised by being submerged in hot water: Pea soup and all.

Before the COVID infection

I still have respect for people’s views and just stopped giving a shit about people who refuse to wear a mask at this point. I mean, with the country divide, we have enough on both sides to keep their businesses mask or unmasked friendly. But the consequential part of this is that it takes us back to the dark day of suppression. Where instead of white folks only establishments, it takes us to a period where oppression was something more significant, instead is the passive-aggressive racism and discrimination we see hitting the politician stand and around our country that no one ever questions, which becomes oppressive not by human nature, but by personal beliefs that in human nature and the ego reaction of needing to be correct. No one can compromise a point but instead, fight to the end. To be right.

Day 4 of COVID QUARANTINE

The truth is I developed a mentality that if people need to learn the hard way, then let them. But for governors who force the unmask rule have to stop retaliating towards the precautions that people feel necessary because in the dramatically different walks of life. Not everyone has the equal advantage of being under the watchful eye of constant care, a benefit only available through money and power. Instead of leading with their personal feelings and beliefs, which they refuse in the act is right. The one dismissive characteristic that they neglect to keep is the act of empathy. Maybe it’s because of the power they hold, or perhaps they are genuinely just that naive and ignorant, which had me tweet directly to Governor Abbot saying if an employer can terminate someone through the act of retaliation. Why doesn’t this apply to governors and people with power? Taking protection as defiance ends up being that slippery slope that many Texans get fires for in an ethics-driven workforce—the act of retaliation.

Day 9 of COVID

I have one final follow-up today, which I feel that my doctor will have me test to see if I’m entirely over the virus. But we shall see what she says as they talk about the “booster” becoming available, regardless if I caught the Delta variant. I’m sure as hell getting the booster because the truth of the matter is that this virus is on constant mutation. Where anything that mutates that quickly is trying to become resistant to the environment it’s in, which will give me a fighting chance for the next fight. I’m 100% all for it. Because the truth is in this personal vendetta of people trying to be right about something that has the potential to rid the human race, I would rather be cautious and proactive, knowing that I did what I could to not only protect myself or others from going through the same suffering I went through. I’m no hero, so I’m not going to force people to believe what I believe. Because the more this pandemic is made a political debacle, it’s not a matter of “if you get it.” We come to a point where it’s “when you get it.” And considering my spiritual beliefs. When I meet my maker, I don’t want to be sent to an afterlife of suffering. All because I let my personal beliefs of getting in the way of hurting others. Because to me, it’s no longer a political battle. It’s a test to determine your fate in the afterlife.

Day 8 of Quarantine – Heading Towards Full Recovery

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Today is a breath of fresh air, literally. Today is the first day I stopped gasping for air. Which at first was a constant occurrence when I first got it. Which in the beginning reminded me of the martial art days years ago when I would get the wind knocked out of me. Today, I could finally breathe without feeling like I was attempting to hold my breath in a crop dusted room. The refreshing characteristic I kept through this life-changing experience is my sense of humor, which made me wonder if it was just a coping mechanism that I developed to keep my spirits up.

The truth is my optimistic personality hasn’t been phased by this traumatic experience. This has proven to be a traumatic event that the world has experienced, emphasizing the different coping mechanisms that people use. The main one being in denial, as many people rationalize why this whole pandemic was a conspiracy theory. Consistent ideas developed without producing measurable data to prove or disprove the views created in the beginning. Which regardless of what side of the line you stand on. The one thing that has been established in this situation is the lack of empathy towards one another. The constant mocking from both sides seems to become the denominator of a pandemic that ultimately turned into a political war. Which using psychology as a basis. It has become a war against narcissists. In a situation, they only seem to get worst. Where each side claims its lack of common sense. The truth is that the numbers of death and infections continue to rise. As now, Florida being threatened by a potential hurricane puts more at risk in the possibility of evacuation.

Being in quarantine hasn’t been unproductive, as it has given me a lot of time to reflect. Not only on the present and how life was going when I was isolated from the world (and for a good reason), and what I look forward to looking forward towards the future. And as grim as it might look with the things that occur in the world around us, it doesn’t have to have a grim ending. As I embrace the rule of “business as usual,” I plan not to stop at any point in the writing venture. Things may have been stagnant since contracting the virus. My business, as usual, still consists of “continuing the venture till the end.” Being receptive to having a genuine desire to understand others and inspiring others through unbiased idealism, and continuing to be receptive to new life experiences, regardless if it may consist of a positive or negative outcome. To control the controllable that I have the power to prevent while being proactive and as prepared as I can be for the unexpected. The truth is my resilience in my life and not giving up even if I hit rock bottom. It has gotten me this far, despite of the things that I haven’t gained that I may feel I deserve. It reminds me of the song my dad and I use to hear and something he would always remind me “you can’t always get what you want. You get what you need.” And the truth is maybe I needed to catch COVID yet again to be a martyr. I’m merely a speck in the universe, but I will say this speck can see both sides of the spectrum in this battle. The fear of the unknown that this pandemic has brought to the world and the hesitations on both sides of the vax and anti-vax war. Many who shamed me in following the mandates said, “I needed to stop living in fear.” Which, in my reflection, ends up being hypocrisy because that same hesitation comes from fear as well. In the end and the most vital part of this whole pandemic that when it comes to having anxiety, regardless of what side you stand on. It is the thing that keeps the world united.

Day 7 with COVID – The Official Recovery

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Yesterday I had a follow up with the doctor, and according to the doctor. The worst is finally over. I was starting to lose taste which is slowly returning, but I’m not going to lie. It was kind of an extraordinary experience to have. The fascinating thing about not tasting was how my body and brain reacted to spicy foods. As although I couldn’t taste it, my body would still respond to the spicy food. Which, in turn, made my mind remember how spicy food felt, giving my tongue a sensation of spicy. Kind of like a late reaction in preventing me from eating more of the spicy treat. Which today, I am able to taste certain foods, which seems anything with iron and acidic acid. Which only last for a few seconds. The coolest part of this not being able to taste things was that I could still feel sensations. For instance, I wasn’t able to taste a cough drop, but I could feel the menthol sensation in my mouth that was much more intense than I ever felt. I might sound like a 90s Gusher commercial when I say this. But it was like a “menthol” explosion in my mouth.

I know you get tired of hearing this, but the doctor said being vaccinated prevented the worst-case scenario, which I will avoid repeating. I’m over having to explain to those who say, “why should I get vaccinated and wear a mask.” As my mentality at this point is not “if” you get it, it’s “when” you get it. And if you want to put yourself through the grief that my doctor says “would have been worst” when it already felt worst than anything I felt before. That’s your pendejada, not mine. Do you but “go with God” or whatever higher power you believe. It’s not about being right at this point. It always was about keeping others from going through unnecessary grief. And since I’m 100% about not wasting time. That’s your decision, and I’ll respect it. But don’t expect sympathy if you refuse to do the things that will protect you. And I hate to break it to you if you think the vaccine is meant to tag us, we are not that special or that extraordinarily incredible for the government to be compelled enough to want to keep tabs on us. Can we get over ourselves for a bit and admit it has nothing to do with the paranoia we developed, feeling that the whole world is out to contact you.

Today I woke up with minor body aches and a stuffy nose. Which is better than the previous feeling I had when I first contracted it, as it felt like my throat was gang banged by a Black and Decker, which I never got strep throat. But my doctor said it’s 50Xs as worst, which today is the first day I woke up feeling like myself. Which finally feeling myself today has me in the mood to write. Which of course, in my recovery developed so many story ideas that today I have the strength to write about. Of course, many will circle the anxiety that it caused people that are close to me worried about if I would make it through quarantine or not.

It was a humbling feeling to know people cared enough to want to see me make it out of this alive. Regardless of how many people took my “if this is how I go, I am okay with it” as me being worried or scared that I was going to meet my fate. The reality is, I got a peace that is hard to explain. Like you have this virus that has killed more than any other virus worldwide, which I felt terrible that I wasn’t scared. As it made me feel a little insensitive to those who COVID has taken. But at the same time, I couldn’t help to be relieved. As it reminded me that we are not so different or so superior to anyone else. The truth was, it made me feel ordinarily human, as, before my life awakening, I was always concerned about the things that never mattered, focusing on things that I thought made me happy. But in reality, it never did. It made me see how we all have this idealism of finding happiness and finding a sense of importance in all the wrong places. Places that, in the end, make us feel unfulfilled and even more insecure when we lead with our pride and the many personas we show to the world. The truth was if this was my fate, I was happy to leave this world the person I indeed was. Not the fake version of me that in the past had people liking me for all the wrong reasons. That at the end, when the party was over, and I was left alone, no one would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Which revolved in a toxic and unproductive circle of lying to myself while I rationalize why things happened the way they did, only to make the same mistakes.

I was constantly wondering why things never get better and why I am unhappy—not realizing that I was engaging in all the things that never really made me happy. Satisfying the one thing that we all mistakenly fulfill, thinking that it will ease the pain from the past, we all rationalize in a lie that we are over. Which in turn becomes our pride. But the truth, for me. Pride was humility I gained a long time ago. Which waking up to a comment a Facebook friend quoted, “it’s not your time because you still need to inspire others,” made me realize that for once in my miserable life. I’m doing something I always wanted to do in life. Inspire others.

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