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The Bittersweet Marvels from the Spiritual Intervention

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Resentment of the Unknown

One of the things that kept me from being open about seeing things in a much more positive light came from various factors. The chaos and the destruction that in most recent times has seemed to get worst instead of getting better, human nature can be the purest evil that the world has ever seen, and all the horrible things that happened to me in my life. For the longest time, I prided myself in being a survivor of various things; domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault at an early age. But the thing that I began to realize is that these pains from the past were never truly resolved. Like everyone else in this hive mind in the self-sabotaging practice of groupthink. I learned how to conceal these pains just like everyone else, through conditioned and mimicked behavior from social normality, which had a mantra of “seeming emotional or weak were signs of weakness.” But later on in my battles through survival, I would quickly learn that sometimes you have to use the power that one possesses when they seem vulnerable. The truth is, regardless of how much people say they don’t discriminate or segregate, it becomes an act of rationalizing and internalizing. A behavior that is learned through interaction with modern-day society.  After breaking away from groupthink, I was much more receptive to the mysteries of the unknown, which in many cases have become the act of divine intervention.

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The hardest thing despite this enlightened idealism, it still became hard to accept the mysteries of the unknown, as in many cases, it induced heartbreak and pain but in a different way. A way that still seemed to be self-sacrificing with that tiny smudge of entitlement that was still present from the self-doubt that seems to be natural when you’re in a new chapter in your life and things seem to go wrong. But the heartbreak in seeing my father in a state that is almost an interactive unconscious, which I began to realize, was the love I had for someone that they still seemed not to have for themselves. Attempting to sway those to get the proper care they needed to become physically healthy was the most stressful and traumatic thing that made me realize where my urgency stemmed from. Because many minority groups, which includes those living in poverty, seem to wait till things get dangerously worst to get the proper care they need to get back to health. In many cases; seeking treatment would become a lost cause due to the delayed response regarding the health condition that already became terminal and untreatable, which go of the control to sway them and just become supportive, still attempting to point out why in my opinion, it was the right reason to seek help, especially with the existing health conditions they already had. Became the tragedy in my journey and the heartbreak that I currently face in helping my father come back from his stroke-like comatose symptoms that we currently need to nurse back to health in the hospital, already preparing for the worst-case scenario case he remains in this permanent state.

In my dad’s observations, these temporary states seemed to be induced by a highly deficient blood sugar level. I instructed my father to stop taking his medicine due to the minimal sugar intake he’s been currently taking, which in the noticeable changes that he wanted to make towards getting his health better became the act of taking his insulin when he shouldn’t have may have been the cause of these stroke-like episodes. In my hospital visit right now, which seemed to be the case, his nurse said he was more responsive when his sugar was up. Still suspicious of the potential of a stroke but at the same time, monitoring his sugar as it wouldn’t regulate to normal. As bittersweet as it was, my father seemed to be reliving his life in these states, an answer he couldn’t provide when he would get out of these spells. The nurse mentioned that when he asked what the year was, he was in the early 1980s, weeks away from the day I would come to the world. Once I came into the room, he spoke to me in his comatose trance-like state as he passed a joint to me and the nurse, mumbling about the happiness he has for me coming into the world. I couldn’t help to get emotional when this happened because the truth is, my dad is my world as I was his world when he took responsibility and raised me for some of the things that occurred under my mother’s watch during their divorce. The truth is, despite the hurt and the falling out my father and mother had. He still had compassion towards my mother. He always encouraged me of what I had, which was refreshing as in some of the previous episodes, it looked like he was going through emotional pain from the previous occurrences. The bittersweet part of the heartbreaking experience is that he at least was somewhere that brought him joy very long ago. And in this experience, I was able to experience, witness, and feel the light that shined so bright in him. 

The Struggle with my Spiritual Intervention

One of the biggest fears my dad always openly voiced was that he never wanted to be put into a nursing home, a place where he truly felt all the forgotten and unwanted elderly go, as in his guilt of feeling that he was a horrible parent. He felt that he would be one of many in that demographic that many adult children take their parents when they don’t want them. Which becomes the insecurity of pride that he felt he lost when he felt stripped of his independence. This makes everything that happened much clearer to me as to why I lost it all and had to come back home. The truth is, the nursing home isn’t an option as the same sacrifices that he did willingly are the same I am willing to provide to him. The hardest part of this journey was letting go of all the material value that I lost, a test that seems to test my morality and my loyalty to my father. I was willing to give up the purest act of selflessness, as it also allowed me to follow my passion, writing. It has taken a lot of adjusting as the truth is home health care providers don’t get paid shit. But it still gives me the freedom and the ability to write stories, and fingers crossed.; getting a book deal from a writing mentor and agent who has given me the tools to improve my writing and, in his words, “break me out of the habit of writing like a beginner and to write like a New York Times Best Seller. Another miracle in the mysteries of the unknown as my Twitter presence is a bit non-existent, which turned out to be a fan of the self-help book I wrote. My sci-fi series “The Rideshare Chronicles” is said to be beautifully written with obvious talent. Which also gave me some insight into the current pieces I have already written. Which becomes the potential of becoming a script, something I never expected to have a hidden talent for. But of course, still holding on to the smear of self-doubt, it was hard for me to believe it. But in the end, it is something my father always wanted for me was to chase my dreams. In a sense, despite whether my father feels like he was a bad father, he paved the way for me to become something that I always wanted to be in his unconscious self-sacrifice. And despite if my father never comes back to his usual self, well, in the end, it becomes a labor of love on both parts. And in the end, that is the most selfless thing anyone can ever do for someone. And the sacrifices through the struggle of continuing the journey without the comforts of what used to become the most significant challenge and the most triumphant accomplishment that I will ever make in my life.  The one lesson life has never failed to teach me is that bad things never last forever if you keep the faith, hope, and in the end. Not only for me but for the world around me.  A miracle in the act of surrendering. The true mystery of the unknown. And as hard as it is to believe, especially when we see those that we love the most going through their trials and tribulations, everything happens for a reason. But the truth is it’s not our job to figure that out for someone else, it’s their job to figure it out for themselves. And all we can do during their search is to be compassionate, patient, and above all supportive, until they reach the answers they have been searching for their whole life. With compassion and without judgment and without bias.

The Tragic Beauty of my Life Awakening

Before this beautiful and tragic “life awakening,” I use to be highly insecure. Before I go into the description, let me emphasize the “beautiful and tragic” part about the life awakening. The reason why it’s tragic is that you begin to see things how they are. The misperception about people and the world around you becomes hard to face as the denial you had your whole life becomes a hard pill to swallow. You see just how sinister human nature can be based on the temporary gratifications people settle with to console “ego-defense” mechanisms. But at the same, you gain an understanding through accountability and the lessons you learned through gaining empathy and, above all, self-love and self-efficacy.

The reason why I emphasize ego-defenses is that many people react in specific ways based on the traumas that they experienced in the past that develops their dislike or avoidance of certain people, places, or things. But this usually occurs in the act of displacement and the things they do on fight or flight when someone sees a perceived threat that they have most commonly been avoiding regardless of what someone tells you as denial is one of many common trauma responses that people use to avoid facing their greatest fear that may have been triggered in a post-traumatic experience.

The reason why I know I was insecure was based on the cluster of my defense styles. If you don’t believe me, look up a specific trauma and the common defense mechanisms that those who experience trauma use. Each one has a particular way of coping with the immediate dangers through the various types of defense mechanisms. The fact is that we all have done it based on avoiding reliving those moments of fear, trauma, and pain. In essence, it’s the way we react to keep us safe and sound, but it can turn sideways very quickly when you refuse to heal from these past events. The more you limit yourself in achieving new experiences, that opens you know yourself. And in turn, you’re able to not only emphasize but find a balance in being to establish boundaries. That results in those in denial of their defense styles, and the trauma begins, the more you begin to see just how genuinely insecure the world is.

One of the things that I began seeing is that bullying others and talking wrong about others were the coping mechanisms to feel better about myself. Considering that I have been bullied myself horrifically, it became my way of inflicting the same pain others did to me back then. The irony of it ended because those who triggered that action reminded me of those who did this in the past. Which, in my displacement, ended up being a shitty thing. Although being caring and having a good heart when I wasn’t triggered, I would ask myself the question, “why do bad things happen to bad people.” But after my life awakening, I began to see it differently “how could I expect good things to happen when I did the same shitty things that were undeserving to others?” It was a paradox. I’d you think about it because if the first shot was fired and I reacted defensively from something that I refused to resolve, “how did I seriously expect to have good karma?” Even if I was 90% a good person with having no intention of at least trying to be a good person 100% of the time.

This led to me seeing my actions and the type of defense style I had. I mapped out the reactions based on scenarios. I began to see many consistent patterns, which steered from triggers of feeling incompetent, a response that developed an obsession to be right and using scare tactics to validate my opinion as truth. A behavior we see more consistently in current times. I was needing to be praised and liked, which came from being the outcast of school and from my childhood abandonment issues that caused a hell of a lot of other sabotaging behaviors. But through that tragedy gave me the courage to change and show the compassion and kindness that others need to empower themselves to want to change. We all make mistakes, and we all can learn from them. But how can anyone want to change if they feel that forgiveness could ever be granted? Because another way people commonly cope is by running away from their problems and the pains they refuse to resolve. Because it’s easier to run from the issues and start from scratch. Or at least I thought it was?

Houston was something that needed to happen because things never changed. I realized in my life awakening that I ran away from my problems, moving to Houston and having my guard down from the new start I thought I had. I ended up opening a new door of the issues that stemmed from the ones I ran from. All derive from not resolving my unresolved issues and indulging in getting what I thought I wanted and needed. The friends that I had, of course, ended up appearing to be fake, telling me what I wanted to hear that enabled me to refuse to change my behaviors. The truth was in getting what I wanted, I lost a sense of self-respect, tolerating shitty behaviors, and keeping my head down. Seeing others go through what I went through started to not sit well with me. But the truth was I was afraid to speak up, something that became the biggest fear of my life, after slowly resolving things within myself unknowingly through the positive things happening during my living there. I conquered my fear, and thanks to already identifying defense styles, something I learned about in reading more about psychology and now studying it. I was able to fight back efficiently and effectively, instead of the hot mess I used to do through defense mechanisms, which made me a significant threat. I was told through conversations I still have with some of the genuine friends I still kept in touch with.

The truth is we all have something that has us react the same but at the same time differently based on what we went through in life. The fear and anxiety are not who we are as a person but the aftermath that we react to for one reason. To move on with life, but without going through the grief process in the person, you lost in those moments. How do we expect to find this new version of us if we refuse to live in the past? Because through the self-medicating in filling the things we feel we need based on what our old selfs wanted? Because getting everything, you want when you are still haunted by the demons of the past only leads to never feeling the happiness that our evolved selves wish to when we don’t embrace the power of healing and self-evolution.

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Day 10 of Quarantine- My Bittersweet Recovery

Today was the first day I woke up feeling 100% like myself today. The weird thing was today, since being diagnosed with COVID, I did something that I haven’t done since I was infected with the virus, which was waking up on my original schedule. Before catching COVID, I would wake up at 6 am to start my day. Consistent with caretaking to make sure everyone I looked after was okay and did not require anything, cleaning out the feathered animal rescues that I’m nursing back to health, and writing. Something I didn’t have the strength to do when I was first infected with COVID. Which all started at 6 AM every morning. Of course using PPE’s to assure I didn’t infect others that I’m caring for, just in case I’m still positive.

I ended up heading to my COVID testing appointment, as the doctor suggested yesterday, to get my post COVID test early since the COVID symptoms were beginning to subside as of yesterday. I ended up heading to the testing site, which had a humorous interaction. Where on the way, someone attempted to mock me as I passed her in a passive-aggressive way, passing me by and saying out loud as she pointed to my mask, “you are one of those!” I ended up replying, “it’s for your safety idiot, I’m on my way to make sure I’m COVID-free!” Which had her avoiding me as she put her mask on. I couldn’t help to say, “I thought you were chingona?” 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

Today is the first day I have no symptoms, which I’m waiting for the results with my fingers crossed. In addition, I also ordered some home testing kits for my home-bound family members to assure that they also test negative. But the vital thing is no one has shown any signs of symptoms. The experience with COVID has inspired a story plot for a novel I’m story planning to be my 34th completed manuscript since I embarked on this writing journey.

It’s bittersweet in this recovery, as some of those who had gotten infected that I was told about when I was recovering aren’t recovering well. I can’t help to feel, “why couldn’t I take their place?” The sorrow I have comes from empathy for those who are starting to be affected as the cases arise. One of the effects in my hometown is a delayed EMS response due to the rising issues in this paradox that this pandemic has caused. It’s come to the point that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Because the way I see this is that it’s nothing more than a war of being right. Where no compromise can’t be met due to the need of being right and having power, the truth is it affects us all at the end, where science articles that I’ve been reading as lambda variant begin to take its ugly toll that maybe this is how human civilization ends. The truth is, it won’t be because of a COVID pandemic. It will result in the pandemic of “ego” and the obsessive desire “to be right.”

The Rideshare Chronicles Available on Amazon

Day 9 of Quarantine- Almost To Complete Recovery

Today I woke up almost feeling like myself, as today I woke up with a sore chest. I am assuming that it’s from the coughing that occurred these last eight days. But the refreshing feeling that I got this morning was relief and comfort as I’ve made it to recovery without infecting anyone in the household. Where I will admit, there were some moments that when I was around others who showed signs of symptoms earlier on, I developed a slight hesitation about the effectiveness of the mask. Which being diagnosed with the mask and making it a good habit to wear a mask. The truth is that my experience has proven the effectiveness of proper mask-wearing. And as I was told by a Tweeter the other day that masks are an act of abuse, the truth is mask-wearing at this age is just a good habit that you must develop. Using an opinion article to rationalize this to be an evident fact becomes a paradox of misinformation that, in human nature is ends up being a defense mechanism to subdue to fear that we subconsciously have. And can you blame people? Who claims it’s similar to having the flu? It makes me wonder if they genuinely ever got COVID because it’s worst than catching the flu. The best way that I can describe it is feeling like you are being exorcised by being submerged in hot water: Pea soup and all.

Before the COVID infection

I still have respect for people’s views and just stopped giving a shit about people who refuse to wear a mask at this point. I mean, with the country divide, we have enough on both sides to keep their businesses mask or unmasked friendly. But the consequential part of this is that it takes us back to the dark day of suppression. Where instead of white folks only establishments, it takes us to a period where oppression was something more significant, instead is the passive-aggressive racism and discrimination we see hitting the politician stand and around our country that no one ever questions, which becomes oppressive not by human nature, but by personal beliefs that in human nature and the ego reaction of needing to be correct. No one can compromise a point but instead, fight to the end. To be right.

Day 4 of COVID QUARANTINE

The truth is I developed a mentality that if people need to learn the hard way, then let them. But for governors who force the unmask rule have to stop retaliating towards the precautions that people feel necessary because in the dramatically different walks of life. Not everyone has the equal advantage of being under the watchful eye of constant care, a benefit only available through money and power. Instead of leading with their personal feelings and beliefs, which they refuse in the act is right. The one dismissive characteristic that they neglect to keep is the act of empathy. Maybe it’s because of the power they hold, or perhaps they are genuinely just that naive and ignorant, which had me tweet directly to Governor Abbot saying if an employer can terminate someone through the act of retaliation. Why doesn’t this apply to governors and people with power? Taking protection as defiance ends up being that slippery slope that many Texans get fires for in an ethics-driven workforce—the act of retaliation.

Day 9 of COVID

I have one final follow-up today, which I feel that my doctor will have me test to see if I’m entirely over the virus. But we shall see what she says as they talk about the “booster” becoming available, regardless if I caught the Delta variant. I’m sure as hell getting the booster because the truth of the matter is that this virus is on constant mutation. Where anything that mutates that quickly is trying to become resistant to the environment it’s in, which will give me a fighting chance for the next fight. I’m 100% all for it. Because the truth is in this personal vendetta of people trying to be right about something that has the potential to rid the human race, I would rather be cautious and proactive, knowing that I did what I could to not only protect myself or others from going through the same suffering I went through. I’m no hero, so I’m not going to force people to believe what I believe. Because the more this pandemic is made a political debacle, it’s not a matter of “if you get it.” We come to a point where it’s “when you get it.” And considering my spiritual beliefs. When I meet my maker, I don’t want to be sent to an afterlife of suffering. All because I let my personal beliefs of getting in the way of hurting others. Because to me, it’s no longer a political battle. It’s a test to determine your fate in the afterlife.

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