The Best and Worst Case Scenario of Determination to Survive

In my life I’ve seen a lot of things occur. One of the most amazing things I’ve seen those undermined and underestimated beat the odds. At the same time I have seen to cruelty that comes when those with inflated egos full of narcasstic character and in the most dangerous sociopathic tcharacter, have seen those same individuals be taken advantage, where vulnerability is tankn advantage and those in ill intent come into the arena of life and fight fair, where in their blind perception play God and take that powerful’s force life.

Looking back at my life, I honestly have to say that I am completely happy with my life. I did a lot in the short time I lived. I have professional experience to fill up a resume with the modeling, the fashion designing, the public speaking, the painting, the furniture making, the interior design, the syling, the training, along with the professional experiences I have been blessed with in my lifetime that actually paid the bills. Shit writing is one that is slowly but surely taking off.. Even MMA fighting would of been one that paid the bills, if my family didn’t take me out of it if I didn’t get my ass whooped by a bigger bitch. Shit we were friends for a quiet a long time until her demise. Which is what inspired this blog to begin with. One of the things I’ve learned in this new psychology venture that I am excited to start classes in the fall with is that once you mastered the psychology within yourself, theories that other known psychologist talk about is the metaphysical psychology that those meet. If it wasn’t for that discovery most recently, I would see my dreams as just that. Where last nights dream, one that made me relive some of my days prior to my college journey as teenager introduce me to my ride or die that started off as an enemy with. As her family requested to have her annonymous as they are still after 15 years are still attempting to get justice back for her slain daughter by a man who started with great intention, killed her in the act of jealousy, insecurity, and an inflated ego. Where because of his family roots, backed up by money and good name, leaver her death still unjustified. And had me in a dream take it as a sign to let it out to the Universe again so Karma can catch up with the unfinished work she hasn’t completed.

I still practice like I was still training for MMA. It helps gather my thoughts and organizes the cluster fuck of thoughts in my head. Driving does the same thing, which is why I choose to Uber. One of the many things that I think about when I spare alone is the many guys in my life who resulted to physical intimidation that played victim when their effect of their cause was an asskicking that deflated the ego they once had. Which brought me to the idea that I know my fate will end up coming in that moment that someone feels they are God. That’s the reality in the world we live in. One of the lessons I learned from my coach, my beloved late Uncle Mike , was that “you must be aware and prepared as best you can for the threats that come your way” which doesn’t surprise me as he was a United States Marine Corp at one time. Unfortunately he got dishonorably discharged for something he never talked about. An action that he was instructed to do that he refused to sell his soul to the devil for. That’s another thing, there are bad apples and corrupt souls in organizations that we tend to turn our heads on and follow blindly. Which is why the “do your research” from those biased ignorant minds don’t phase me at all. Little do they neglect to realize is that everyone has a public record, even the elite. In being a rational truth seeker, those resources are given in the sake of fighting justice. Just because it doesn’t come out on a police report or a credit report, the two things we as a society count on to gain acceptance, doesn’t mean that the rest of what happens is not public. Everything these days is public. Depending on the purpose self ratified preservation or the the act of justification, the backstory will tell you exactly where those intentions of a individual lie.

While evoking my MMA spirit animal, Rhonda Rowsey, which I am a huge fan of by the way. Made me think back to some of my poor yet glory days when I started at 16 years old as a way to protect myself from the bullies a out of the box child brings their way. What could of started as an ill act to protect myself the only way I thought and be introduced to an invigorating art that made me become more humble (as many do this to inflate their ego more) made me think about my slain friend. Which started as a romance from a fairy tale to the manipulation of his family, then in his moment of narcissism turned socialpathic behavior, killed my friend because of the upbringing that she came from, making her noble family still in grief and in more conflict as this family used all their power to prevent this family from rising from the ashes a unfair fight for their survival. Although they at the bottom of the barrel fight for survival, I have to admire them; they played the cards that were handed to them phenomenally. Talking to my slain sister (as everyone close becomes family) brought so many great memories and a grieving session on both parts. She was a remarkable woman. She would of been someone who would of made it when MMA actually became a sport. We also talked about the unfair fight that was her last moments in life. Where her then husband drugged her with a date rape drug and when she fought her way through the affects and began to fight back, in his desperation stabbed her and drowned her when she still fighting for her life, hit her in the head with a object and then still fighting, drowned her in the bathtub of their home where I visited a year prior. And his family with their wealth wiped their hands clean to make their prodigal son look like she went crazy and attempted to attack him. My thought was how could she? She wasn’t that kind of person. And for a gluttonous prick now resulting to cosmetic surgery to give him the body he has now, is all a gimmick to the righteous person he claims to be.

Her family told me how proud they were of me and my sister would of been even more prouder, where if she was alive we would get back in the ring and spare having her say “don’t forget bitch, your still human. Never forget that your not invincible” which is a mantra I carry with me to this very day. You see, the determination to survive has two sides, the positive and the negative. Self preservation from the perceptions others see us can turn even the most noblest of people evil in their moment of pride. I pray for my sister’s killer till this very day as the empathy that I have for him doesn’t go away. To be proven by the world, which he lives off of his parents because of an inflated ego has to be the worst prison anyone can ever live in. Trapped by those who enable your bad behavior and the constant fight within yourself, when are you going to stop and empower yourself to rise up, before it’s too late. Because those situations of intimidation are more frequent than we want to admit. With the absence of respect and morals, it’s only a matter a time when someone will provoke you betting that your going to crack. But if you don’t care as much as you say you do, then why are you thinking about it as you read this? Every time I hear this song I think of her. We use to be deemed the “party girls”. This one is for you my female Torro. Hope your swinging from the chandelier of heaven with that smile I miss so much. How does it feel to see your seeing your little sister in this big bad world swinging from the chandelier with these tears as they dry. XOXO

Courageous Act of Change

Warner Bros Pictures, DC Films 2017

I can’t take full credit for the things I have gained. It was a collaboration of work that was instilled by those whoI haven’t perfected their art in gaining their absolute individual power. I still love and respect them the same. It wasn’t for them and the time they invested, I wouldn’t be to the state of mind I’m in today. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know it all. I’ve made so many mistakes on this journey that I almost stayed at rock bottom. Happiness in my distorted perception seem farther and farther from my grasp and everything seemed hopeless. I will tell you now that in every disappointed in grief, I at one moment lost self control one way or another. Because I failed at mastering self control, I ended up self sabotaging myself whether it be emotionally, doing busy work, having excess friends, becoming a workaholic, whatever outlet, self control was in many times my Achilles heel to avoid dealing with my issues. Self control also comes in the form in the act of passive aggression, which I’m very familiar with. Not being able to control my passive aggressive nature in the same of being polite, I always in one way or another allowed people to take advantage of me thus not being able to control the lie I told to others thinking I was convincing them. Self control starts by controlling your own actions. As many people oppose of places opening up businesses as this shows a doubt in their own self control. Truth is, despite the warning already given as the virus can spread through not only sneezing, but breathing, taking, and lives for a few days with the threat of still getting contracted, people will disregard facts, get sick and then blame someone else for a risk they brought upon yourself. Fear will always make those afraid of the unknown and those reckless in nature due to self conflict as they dodge accountability. Which brings me to this ugly truth. The ugly truth, I was lying to myself and all they saw was a vulnerable person who in every situation manipulated me into things that I always knew. This began the ugly habit of enabling the bad behaviors of others not only allowing them to disrespect me, but disrespect others later on in life. Because I convinced myself that standing up for myself by standing up was rude, the reality was I deep down inside was scared of the unknown. Playing it safe wasn’t really safe because it just left hurt, alone, and even more vulnerable where. That when my wrath came out, began taking things out on people that never deserved it.

People will always say they know what they want. Even when they have choices and given what they want, it’s still something that’s missing. There is always something that maybe by tweaking it a bit, maybe I’d this was different, maybe if this person was in my life…the list goes on and on. And when that doesn’t work, we fall into the double life, which many of us have done. You don’t need to tell me or justify anything, it shouldn’t matter to me or anyone for that matter. The common thing I see is always trying to seek validation and expressing what makes that person better. It’s just a waste of time because I don’t care. Not that you don’t matter. Everyone matters. It’s because what you do or say will never be judged. We all want to feel validated and important. We all been there. The best way to practice self control is learning how to control your insecurities especially when someone has proven to you and shown you your in a safe space. But I understand very well why being vulnerable is the most scariest of them all. Because there has always been that one person that we did this with only resulting to them telling the world we are in the things that make us cry. Truth is almost everyone has experience the betrayal by those we trusted the most. This can hinder our progress by having uf take a few steps back. In a scenario when already struck with grief and stricken with post trauma, it’s only a matter of time that an act of self preservation towards that individual who because no compassion or empathy was afforded will make a person have to start all over again whether emotionally or financially. In that moment that someone feels like their is nothing to lose as their perception shows there is nothing left to do can end up having a person cause harm to themselves or in wrath cause harm to others, which after watching enough Discovery Crime will be the representation of those who pushed them to that point. And because a stranger made them feel worthless, will not only cause harm to themselves but the ones close, putting innocent people in danger because the only thing they really wanted was time.

The thing that I’ve found in this journey is that bravery and courage are two different entities. The two action have made leaders. Being brave is defined as courages behavior or character where as courage is the face of pain or grief. However, life isn’t about aiming to be a great leader. Brave is something I used for a long time. It was my crutch in many situations. For the longest time I was brave to change. I had to face many people with bravery and always ended up back at the same. With self doubt and haunted by the past that reinforced my insecurities, I never changed. I became a version of the person I am today. Truth is in this mindset, I turned my head in many situations and allowed others cause harm. Forgiving myself for that was a struggle. When I gained courage to change, not only did I stand up for myself in fear, but I had to turn away from the ones I loved to assure that I didn’t allow those who I cherished the most influence as their intentions for my best interest were only just for mine. Coming into a toxic environment in every retail store setting, I always after proving that I could be trusted and had the best interest of everyone involved was told of the many people that fell victim to the injustice of many. With the recoded call that had my boss threatened me with what my cause would only have me when he was done “shake my ass and give head for a living”, that bending wouldn’t change anything. That after now a third time after finally finding that the infections I was getting was stemmed by doctors release to return to work, and sending a return to work from the ER, which required on a phone call a hospital release was never asked until concerns I shared with started new boss who replaced my previous boss that stated the mess his was the way they were going to terminate me. And during an unemployment hearing even after sending a interim manager the new job changes was only adjusted for me when others were not doing as they were getting prepped for a executive position in the role we shared. But the thing is because opportunist will always take advantage of situations as everyone typically exaggerates the truth to dodge accountability, people will always question someone’s motive because of the things someone influenced someone to do with dark psychology. Keeping it 100% sociopathic tendencies were used on you which you used on someone else. Which ironically when people call me crazy for being transparent, letting them know boundaries, yelling them what to expect, and staying consistent of myself; a psychologist only having an hour session with the person you perceive, will not see what insecurities will present to me. Because the lies you tell them to presume your not crazy. Would diagnose you with multiple personality disorder. But it’s not because your crazy. It’s because the courage to change may jeopardize everything you worked towards. And without the reassurance of mine, that knowing myself and fearful of what was going to happen as he knew my benefits were ending and this would be the last session said I was very close to closure, to healing, and to being able to help me. And sharing pieces of his story said that once I was 100% sure of myself, I would be able to help people in a way I never expected. Fulfilling a purpose that I always wanted and backed with life experience, will be impactful because I mastered empathy, but sympathetic because I was able to identify the behaviors that self sabotage, but will not judge the person for the actions. Now that I gained true humbleness, will help identify those behaviors so a person can see the behavioral pattern and see that these are the reasons why they struggle with happiness. Because the person they perceive is not really the person they want to be, because it’s someone’s version of them. If interested here is the lyric video of the song.

There are so many things I should of been. During our current pandemic, microbiology as the science mentality I have and the understanding of how micro-organisms work has had me call how when it first began end up being exactly how it was . I told my inner circle and those who with their actions are no longer part of it as they are not ready to gain redemption. With people always wanting validation have to validate credentials, has the burning desire to go back to school to get a psychology degree. Of course since I’m still paying for MBA I am now using with the business, that is something I have to start saving up for. Truth is, even with this human perception will when a person is faced with the person they are not ready to face will have them perceive things that are absolutely not true. They will begin to demonize me into thinking no matter if I am relating with the person that I’m doubting them or think I’m better than them or whatever new feeling arises from that insecurity, will end up having them self sabotage them into doing things they normally wouldn’t do. With someone who knows the system, retaliating against making false accusations, and with the precautions that a psychologist takes once they identify the warning signs of dangerous psychological behavior, will end up coming to light a side of them that they weren’t ready to face. Criminalizing themselves and revealing what their life wasn’t what they thought it was and because of my worth they perceive as many people in normal settings. People give up, start self medicating, and dodge the truth about themselves in destructive behaviors, which a few people including a person I dated who always thought he knew better ended up doing. He ended up in the process of seeing his psychologist and telling me what he wanted me to know, went back to gambling with the sabotage committed in stealing my savings to gamble, began taking things out on me when he started deflecting that by his encouragement to start resolving my issues felt intimidated and threatened by me. Telling me the evil things my family who told was going to propose, also made it seem like I was an alcoholic, that I was drug addicted and still not knowing his intention, the history he had and the accountability he dodged, ended up after putting me in a situation of being homeless for a 18 hours in Houston but I had my girl Dal, the big sister she selflessly became, always was the one to get me out of trouble, that I still feel I never genuinely showed the appreciation that she wanted and totally earned.

Expecting something from someone is flat out entitlement, regardless of your justification. No ones problems or time is more important than yours. With every journey simple or catastrophic, someone’s pain is never bigger than yours . For me, when someone told me someone had it worst than me, I was compelled to take the selfishness I gained by that guilt which like many people I’ve crossed path with would just be callous sympathy that as long as the threat didn’t appear in my personal life I was fine. Prior to Sprint, my attempt to self preserve always ended up being retaliation. Regardless of the events that occurred, I always exaggerated the facts and with the lack of self control exaggerated the truth. When people use your history as a basis of your common behavior, showing bravery and only that will disprove your efforts and what was intended as good turns into ill intentions. But what happens when you get the courage to change? Stay tuned. As all my actions weren’t stemmed from self preservation. In P!nks song “Courage” it will always bring out a new kind of emotion, that even though I was wronged presents as a selfless emotion of grief. “I bury my heart hear in this dirt, I hope it’s a seed, I hope it works” for me is, through the adversity I’ve faced sailing into a unknown fate, I see so many people going to similar adversity. Where fear that I felt, is by everything we encompass through non verbal and verbal, visual and non visual that even though denied is easily identifiable by the actions done to you, everyone else, and myself. That regardless of what is done to me, redemption is always an option which dependent of those willing to work for it. Because the persona we mimic whether it be from a real life scenario or from art is something we all aspire to be, but truth is; it’s not genuine. Because it’s not your true self. Once comfortable with your own self, reveals the persona perceived by other that is much greater.

Where my personal persona which began as Lara Croft and now having no need for that beautiful disaster my scared self hid behind, to those wanting to gain the courage to become their true self has now in their eyes, Wonder Woman and although not needed is giving me way to much credit, will always be grateful for that compliment. Coming into my power, that I never knew I had surpassed every accomplishment I thought fulfilled my purpose. To them I am a hero, but because of a humbled heart will never have me resent someone who as long as they consistently show their willingness regardless of how many mistakes it takes for them to get it right, and without enabling the behaviors that turn them into someone else’s villain, will always have compassion and unconditional love for them. Because the selflessness I gained and courage I fought for reflects a persona that they see that has been portrayed by women with the same courageous spirit, in our reality will always be someone’s hero, without wanting to and without trying. Although continues to be struck by grief and by fear will always continue to be the person I came to be without falling into the trap. Because when what I learned may be done better. And with every mentor that has threw me off the nest so I can learn to fly, will always have them fly back relaying their triumphs and the things they did to succeed. Through consistency and mutual respect will give me the opportunity to improve my purpose as now, if not able to comprehend due to my inability to gain comprehension due to lacking that life experience, have gained an allí, with the characteristics gained that match mine, begin to start a ripple effect of hope just as those ancient philosophers did without expecting to, without wanting to. As their courage to change stemmed from a social flaw that if afraid of not fitting in, would never have gained the courage for their own change, would be the inspiration that their era wasn’t ready for, but was adapted in a era that truly needed it.

Grimm Realism of our Distorted Optimism

I can’t tell you where I got my mantra of expect the worst hope and hope for the best. I freely shared this openly with many people on my journey and always was classified as being negative, regardless of the positive and bubbly attitude I expressed consistently. When someone made sense of it, someone always came along and with one opinion that was stemmed from insecurity, was proof enough to price that this truly was my character. Looking back at the process I realize that subconsciously truth be told, I been ready to heal from a traumatic childhood as I didn’t want to feel unsure of myself. I justified everything I did and always had to one up on someone. I expected things that I wasn’t willing to feel, I treated people different, disregarded the people that didn’t fit my convenience. At the end I never wanted to take accountability for the wrong I did that stemmed from an optimistic and distorted view that as long as I follow God, I still was a good person, and as long as I did things things, I could keep a clear conscious to not noticing my behavioral pattern, if faced with final judgement that since I dedicated myself to the church, seeing that everyone is desperate for redemption but still enabled my bad behavior by proving, justifying, and finding every reason why it’s justified I would enter the gates of heaven in the afterlife and live my best life. Which followed by people similar to me who reached the level of success that I thought would be the ultimate game changer. Not realizing that with every attempt in the next chapter, I was becoming more defensive, still wanting more to have an upper hand to the person that I subconsciously was intimidated myself, convincing myself why it’s justified, why they were wrong, and when consequences were about to hit convince myself that the real victim was demonized and to preserve the work that ended up in the Bible; an eternity of hell. I became what what I perceived myself as Red from the fairly tale version. I was the Grim version of that story. I was Red in Wolf skin doing harm to others with no redemption. And in the end, still missing something in my life as I got the what I wanted and even surpassed my expectations, but gluttony in more was the only thing that never happened. Gaining my self worth.

One thing that I’ve noticed is people always have something to prove. When faults or people who have struggled with getting out of those situations, gravitate and stay in that social class. Looking at the bigger picture, we always use the bird of a feather for the sake of self preservation and when that person starts not fitting the requirements, get kicked off the island and get banished until they can meet those shallow and petty requirements. If your justifying it, getting offended, or trying to justify why there’s something wrong with me, or are in denial, you’re afraid. Not of me specifically. I’m not one to be scared or intimidated by. I have no authority to judge anyone. I leave that 100% of powers to be. I truly empathize humbly. As a matter of fact I’ve been there as well as many of the people that I’ve met on my journey from all walks of life from homeless to the filthy rich as I never understood why people would be comfortable with me. But the truth is, it’s because I wad naive in the notion that I always felt that showing consistency would eventually make whether guard that was up, come down. But truth is, through fear of judgement from someone else along with an subconscious fear of having to face your own motives, those who weren’t ready would be forced to faced the self they been denying their whole life’s. In the catastrophic scenario which breaks my heart every time someone thinks they are better than me at whatever is going on in their head regardless of consistently showing them I’m not what they perceive, am forced after not respecting me by respecting my boundaries and after some attempts in intentional inflicted emotional pain, start little by little revealing what they resented this whole time. The dark side they possess.

Consistency showed through my light side while inconsistencies were revealed through my dark side. I’m not a psychologist so I can’t tell you exactly why that occurs. What I do know, which was an attempt to wrong the rights of the world, starting with saving people then started with the mantra of how are you gonna love anyone of your going to love yourself. This was the process of filling voids that my current chapter couldn’t fulfill. Maybe my salving grace was what I reference in the book as concrete angels. The rejects of the world who society deemed unworthy as they did not hold the material values or the scholastic credentials to get of society as back then passive aggressive tendencies were more made for those who couldn’t face face reality. With the cruelness of what was the people who have more value were openly vocal, causing those who tried give up on themselves. Truth is those same people that did that then, ended up doing that to me as a adolescent, having those kids from my concrete angels past, encourage their kids bullying by being a spectator, by being an enabler which the journey revealed in every situation that abuse is a conditioned behavior that ranges from mild to severe attempts which continues to follow the next generation. Continuing a ripple effect that instead of encourages individuality, fits the standards of the status, which admitting I don’t know everything, illuminating that the truth get conditioned to follow the status quo. Which the journey also reveals more than just playing it safe. It brings to light the regrets of a life why missed or never afforded.

After high school, change did occur and like always with good intention. I ended up finding out in my first year of college that participation awards were being given, which I still don’t get as for me, losing only made me learn. It made me work harder. It made me find alternative ways and made me better prepared if it occurred again. Little by little it seemed like immediately after 911 we became fearful of threats, now stereotyping not only one ethnicity but everyone who was showed characteristics of the category of people we didn’t approve. To the point that if they were weak enough, would humiliate intentionally to bend them into conforming to the standards we thought seemed fit. Which ended up having society take prayer away in school but now try to initiate another ban. Seeing it now the whole fucken nation began retaliating. School shootings were a norm and teenage suicide was starting to be an epidemic, and it was always that child who was demonized and it was that parent that was bad. And the really fucked up thing about it is, seeing that in these situation the absence of empathy and no one even reporting or writing about the regrets of what other parents or adults who knew better could of done to stop it and instead trying to find more validity to prove why the incident occurs only tells me one thing, accountability and the conditioned effect of you can’t control how people make you feel is another lie we tell ourselves in our deceptive acts of faking it to make it for the sake of the false identity we think we are portraying. Thus enabling the art of sociopaths and narcissist behavioral with intent to get ahead in live.

The quick come back after I reveal this truth is people will immediately think I’m on something, I’m an alcoholic, I’m a drug addict, or crazy, shows that when to je different and you are on another level of logic and because it goes against what they convey is the desperate attempt to shame you to conformity. I’ve called out relatives who assumed based on my ex fiancés sociopathic personality and the need to control and resolve everything and have an emotional abuse outburst to doubt myself said I was on drugs. If you care about someone, why let them follow that path. If you ask yourself cause l didn’t want to get involved and I didn’t want to make them do something they weren’t doing, why not change the approach instead of engaging in the way that has other people not even want to tell you why they don’t come to you. It’s in good intention but your being judgey. You’re without even knowing your making yourself seem your better than them, basically saying you don’t have time for them or for their own well being. That you could do it, they can too. Which is why many people make these identities, portray things that they really don’t mean, because of the things they are scared of and don’t admit. This world, now showing in media is that if you want to get what you want, you have to be a shitty and evil person. Where one moment of fame or fortune will make up for all the things that should of happen, because of what someone else did. But it’s never the truth. Perception is opinion. Where like many others who attempt to make up for lost time do and find redemption without any intent of attempting is this, you’re insecurities and fears have turned into selfishness in the pursuit of happiness that you think is what you want.

Those who fell victim to the real demons of the world now from trauma turned into insecurities and intentional acts of sin to hurt other in the sake of constantly attempting to gain happiness that you never fulfilled and struggle to find the void of what is now the life you lie to yourself daily is what you chose to those who already know the truth and really don’t genuinely care as they too are after the things that will do you one better all in this never ending competition in the game we call life, when do you admit to yourself the real truth? Because getting aquatinted with your dark side as my journey as proven, that having balance is the key determinate, as that void in the catastrophic moment of resentment, will make you after feeling like you got nothing to lose and those you love finally betray you, will begin a snowball effect of bad behaviors, that lead to self conflict, leading to self sabotage, leading to destructive behaviors, and finally a fate no matter how good you get take you to places where even though you lie to yourself your emotionally prepared for as you now set yourself up to not only face people who not only want to stop you from going deeper, but others who have a darker side than you do that even the smallest sigh of disrespect can cost you your life and the life of your love one. Which I’ve unfortunately met. And since I’ll never interfere with the powers that be, cannot intervene. As the behavioral pattern that you’ve shown has shown that the bed you made. Because karma is finally collecting what is due.