We all have conformed or still conform in our everyday lives just to fit in. Whether it be betraying a friend because of what are faved group of people think about the odd ball of the group. Or broke up with someone because of what our family or friends thought of what they thought of someone. Or rocked a high end designer bag or even bought a vehicle for the brand. Or the most degrading of them all, put on a brave face to the world and put an act that would win an academy award for the things that happens behind closed doors, leaving you in a situation that has you self medicating and crying from the mistreatment, emotional abuse, and/or physical abuse you conceal with makeup. The ugly truth is your confirming to individual social norms that are associated in the social group who are all trying to get ahead in life to reach the regular social norms that gain success and a happy life. Ugly truth is, you may with drive and persistence reach a success that is may surpass your usual social group, but you’ll never go above that social level because truth is, there is a crowd with the same ideas, same perception, and the same expectations in this burning world we live in. Ignoring the danger and truth you refuse to see through a distorted pair of rose glasses.
Think back to high school and the group of friends you use to hang. Now let’s add a college experience if you had one. Where you in the same social group? Let’s factor in the first job you had. What social group did you associate with then? What about every job after that? Now factor in the groups you associated with out of work? Let’s now factor in the social settings that are social organizations like churches, country clubs, fraternities or sororities? What were the perceptions you gave to each one? Where they different or similar? Were the odd balls of the group accepted or where they caste out of the group and your life?Statistically speaking only 20% of those groups will be similar based on the small study I’ve been gradually getting for the last 5 months. When funding allows, to assure the current percentage is truly accurate to make this theory truly accurate. How were you treated when you were the odd ball? Did your old friends stop being your friend in current and past ground? Survey says 95% of those people now the odd ball were not accepted and caste out themselves. To be true to science, these surveys will be redone by a third party entity to eliminate bias.
We subconsciously conform and we don’t even know it. Subliminal advertising is a business practice used by marketing and is an actual part of curriculum in marketing in college. Have you been able to give a genuine reason why a brand is your favorite brand of clothing? Vehicle? Bag? What made you buy these luxury brand items or even want them? That’s a question for you and only you to come to terms with as once again you do not need to justify this for. I’m not hear to judge, I’m here to help only when you are ready for it. The same subliminal messaging in advertisingis why I believe subconscious thinking comes into play within ourselves on the actions we engage in, the purchases we buy, and the feelings we get in certain situations. Subconscious trauma, even if we say is something we come to terms with is something we lie to ourselves about because seeing in my own actions that I use less fight or flight intimidation and take more action, has me convinced that, although in unknown situations is when I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach, still engage in action when I need to make it a point that my boundaries are crossed in a 2nd non physical aspect that has me assure both parties are responsible to take accountability and assure that if this is a continued behavioral pattern that is consistent, depending on that individual they don’t attempt to offend you with their irresponsible actions or blame you for the actions they themselves had control of.
People since I’ve found my unique path have always said something similar to “not everyone is genuinely happy” or “you’re the one not happy with yourself” always saying actually I am. When they ask why am I so sure comes the coined phrases in my book “I’m good with my own pendejadas” which in English translates “I’m good with my own fuck ups” as I have control and admit to the consequence of my actions. I’ve been dragged in the bus, been thrown under the bus for too long by people who knew better and people who didn’t know better all in the sake of their own self preservation, seeing them get away with it and seeing them engage in more problematic and illegal activity. Like Enron, being a well respected company turned tragedy. When I use this example on business professionals, lay down the history and start one by one piecing the puzzle, it scares them, it worries them, it shames them because seeing the one match that light the fire is getting dangerously close , causing one of my accounts from my previous job bring me in as a Training Consultant and in one day let go as the suggestions given where taken as personal attacks, which now is shut down and under federal investigation. Because the person who knew better took a suggestion of good faith into a personal attack that had no undertone of it. Like trauma, guilt of something takes a toll and clouds your perception. Revealing that guilt is another subconscious demon your also being influenced by in subconscious mind that’s influenced by others around you and those who you haven’t made amends with. With this revealed, yes I’m sincerely happy, because people who are dealing with issues that they deny become a distraction turned to liability. Because when it’s all said and done, when the chips are down and everyone disappears for what ever reason as they are just keeping their head above water, the only person that can save you, in the end is you.
They say the Nile is not a river in Egypt. Ugly Truth is almost everyone has tubed this river like it was Labor Day on the Guadalupe River in Texas. Some of us stay on this content until you fall off and get pulled down by the current until you can’t breath anymore giving up the fight to break free and staying there till they turn blue. In this analogy, my role is to play EMS in hopes that instead of waking towards the light you fight to live and start living. This continued even post journey, as my hope that COVID19’s worldwide pandemic scared everyone my death thinking that this as I referenced on a previous blog that with nature taking the lives with the “gaslighting” CNN interview said about the actions taken to protect the people, we are given false hope that the virus would disappear with a warning given by the same entity, the CDC has been publicly warning about the virus against the request from the President, it got worst and claims more lives each day. As those who followed on blind faith and no understanding of the biology and chemistry it takes to make these treatments effectively safe by chemist who measure the quantities and after testing, has literally poisoned some to the point of suicide stemmed by the fear of dying. Which the lies they my essential workers on rideshare consensus having people who treat them with less respect, and misperceived ideologies that some organizations preach, making these people have a sense of Godly protection, which has me worried that with the warnings no one seems to acknowledge stated that this second wave is going to be far more fatal due to flu season and as we are conditioned to not cares until it affects us, which by the info being reported in scientific news that there may now be interact with other microorganisms, will only be reported until it starts affecting us directly, which by then it will be too late to stop it, as the man still shows behaviors of a “out of sight out of mind” approach, will not make it a big deal until it becomes worse and possibly be too late as he has proven time and time again. That not only nature will continue to allow it to get stronger and until it officially jeopardizes him personally and depending on if higher powers (from any religion intervention) may have be what could maybe be the end of humanity. Reading that itself, making excuses just proves my point. We as people don’t like to be scared as it causes panic, which when fear hits, makes people do the most erratic things to protect themselves from unknown doom. Those who give up don’t care about what happens and continues to self indulge, while others go to extremes to the points that they do things to harm themselves. Because for whatever reason, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. Some of those who don’t see the light, live on a day by day basis. Neglecting the bigger picture with the lost of hope just finding a way to survive another day whether it be self medicating ghosts from the past. Then you have those big picture thinkers which in adolescence starts as the big dreamer. Those who only want great things for everyone they love. Then those from broken homes have hope of having of having a better life, for their kids, things their parents never were able to have; something to give back for their parents efforts, to be something that their family is proud of and something their future kids will be proud of.
As adults the big picture is being proactive, being prepared, and planning for the worst and hope for the best. And you have those who are cautious, protective of their status their persona as in today’s age, perception is the only thing that will get you anywhere. But why even try, if with the things we have, the things we protect, the things we value mean if we see nothing changing, nothing improving, no one to do the right thing. Why even try when change never happens? This is what I thought every time I get used, abused, and mistreated. Ironically enough, those that face adversity say similar or exactly the same thing. Why try? Why even bother? Ugly truth is that we settle. When things get good. We settle. When things get great. We settle. When things are it best. We settle. One thing we don’t settle is status that’s motivated through personal motive. The triggers being social norms stemmed by culture and heritage, by the ghost of our pasts and by the ghost of others. Saying the little people never get ahead? Why the value one perceives on the outside. But my journey blessed me with one thing, being presented with the truth I was wanting to see. Which we all have seen, not personally but through art and history. Where future of the rich and powerful give it all up in hopes of finding happiness away from the stability and security money can buy as hardships develop a persons character in hopes to find their true identity. And the poorest of the poor hit rock bottom and rise above the ashes. This is what I neglected to see driven by my ghost, by the ghost of others, and what that social norms perceive as accomplished, where my modeling, my designing, my resilience was never enough because I wasn’t known, I wasn’t rich, and I wasn’t desired. Making me want more and getting good, better, best at things I desired was never happy. I was content in every milestone, I settled to the point of comforting myself saying if this is good as it gets I’m good, raising a standard on everything but my own needs and raising standards to the wants I was missing. Even attaining that. I never was truly happy. I was good at perceiving this but never genuine. Which once denial is eliminated that those who see call out, but in my insecurities and trust issues always waited for “I’ll be rewarded one day on my good deeds” which became the absolution that never came which denial eliminated that my insecurities fueled by someone else’s was something that I tolerated and after isolating myself began to evaluate the rational pros and cons of the situation that lead to a journey that in self realization, people affected me to the point of holding my true self hostage out of the fear of things that I actually enjoyed. That the consistencies that in childhood changed by adults in my life where things that as an adult were shared with me started adjusting to things that they personally felt. Ugly truth is in childhood, we have been conditioned to listen to those that appeared to know better, but were battling things they hid, following blindly into the path of un-genuine happiness that disappeared at the signs of unappreciation and “insubordination.” And when you disobeyed, they take it all back, including the image you gained by them. Why? Because of the unknown fear of your own abilities. That if you matched them, you become equal or rival. And if you succeed, become better. That after taking you in, you might be better and leave them behind.
One thing I’ve been asked by essential workers is “Why do they mistreat us if we are sacrificing out lives and family when it’s hard to get employees to come in and people who say need jobs but don’t want to even apply?” I will tell you I don’t know, I have ideas, but I know it’s out of fear of COVID19. What I do know is we don’t know how to genuinely appreciate people. That because the things we appreciate are not the same, so since we can’t provide you the material aspect in the “I wish I could help you” comes from what we don’t have for ourselves yet stems, but it’s the small acts of kindness that service people in the front lines want. In all honesty, for me it perceives as being safelessly reckless is the lie society says as we are convinced since we think we know ourselves, our better judgement in circles that provide us what we want when we want even if it’s for a moment and regardless of it’s a lie. Which seeing the behavioral patterns and the defensive response from every day people is that my stock went up because you survived the pandemic. Whether it be a false perception of higher intervention, kissed by an Angel, given the luxury of not having to work, or whatever it may be turns into false entitlement and the rationalization of why your life is not as important to mine as I was blessed with the ability to not have to work, in some out of genuine necessity but n many working the system, which now has gradually getting more difficult as those workers begin to gain after a 8-12 shift dealing with the same sob story they have heard over and over from another opportunist trying to get a free ride by excuses after excuse turned to verbal abuse of nit getting what they don’t deserve.
Pre-Journey I almost became the same person, over and over dealing with the same people, doing the same thing, and getting the same result was discouraging. Nothing changed within me, my character was the same but had different outer perceptions. We do this everyday of our lives from being one person at work, one person, and school, being a different person to fit in every social circle we associate with. Defensive? Only if your guilty of it? Are you justifying to yourself why I’m wrong and all the things wrong with me? Why? If you don’t care about yourself why should I? Truth is we invest so much time to those who aren’t willing to do things for your virtue or at least take a chance on doing something that may lose a security blanket that they settled for is just a form of fear that through the idea of letting go of the things that don’t get the change we can expect means change will be something you expect or thrive for. You expect it to be given to you on a silver platter that everyone is in line for waiting for the same silver platter. Where the advice given for free doesn’t matter since it’s free and has no worth other other than the temporary confident boost you get with no intention to do anything but only come back around when your security blanket runs out of bleeding you dry of hope and drive, having you blame me for the things you don’t take responsibility and accountability for. Does this sound familiar? Have you been told or said that before? Well lovelies those are the people that truly cared about you that you left you in the moment you needed the most and you to said less likely “shit on them” after exhausting their resources and kindness out of your own selfishness and haven’t apologized yet due to your pride. Or in your grief, as you may be reflecting back on a day that you had to walk away and the guilt of “I should of done something more” is something you have to forgive yourself for and let go as the hardest love to give someone is tough love as in life, it’s takes physical and/or emotional pain to learn our lessons. In my day I was spanked. Not because of my parents inner demons that’s what drinking was for within my dad who one day I hope and feel he will come to peace with what haunts him, it’s cause I did something extremely shitty that if conditioned to adulthood would throw me into jail or worst. We live in a society that people want something to be fair and across the board. However, it’s skewed when perception is just a disguise to make us fit in. Which the traumas people face seem to become far worst than the traumas from previous past generational traumas begin earlier than the past generations of self sabotage and self medicating, where I am shocked when I hear young adults at 19 saying they started at early 5 years old. Where social norms make these trending items of luxury that are impossibly attainable become the light started at the end of the tunnel now just gets dimmer and dimmer with each each passing generation, where self mutilation and humiliation is the only way you will be noticed as with each conspiracy theory is a rumor of biased untruth made to turn each other against one another, where because a child now made to be the outlet to their parents continued attempt to be an example turned into a traumatic existence that had some e willingly degrade themselves hoping that this was the only chance to have a better life, and through those willing to forget where they came from with the fear of potentially losing what they think brings them joy is the anti-conformity those born into inflicted with the traumas we can’t understand that we gain by the power of forces to be, is why lacking the ability to empathize, show gratitude, and omit the sincerity, as temper tantrums of not getting what we want and work with what we need at the time, just might be when the power to be deems that those higher power resources are exhausted, be the lesson that if fearful of losing the things that perceive the vanity of accomplishment may be the lesson that human nature just might need, all because we thought we knew better. And seeing this genuinely me is why I had stop turning my head. Knowing that no one will listen, but why not try. As the priest before packing away back home in a church I prayed in, overwhelmed by fear, agony, and the question, why have you forsaken me, had the priest say that sometimes the blessings we want actually hurt as someone pained who come out of adversity is a reminder that we are human. Being able to out of it with a different perspective, resurrection, and those who come out of it still with love and compassion for not only people, but those who have inflicted them with scaring power, but those with the pain turned love baring the scars in a burning world is the most greatest gift one can ever be given. Being kind and cruel leaving rationality is a blessing, it encompasses compassion and mercy that today’s world can’t even understand. It’s a divine power blessed to those that deserve. My question to him “why does it have to be so full of trial and tribulation?” He gave me a answer I didn’t understand at the time, until today. Being a human, has us always questioning our logic, even at the most happiest. Asking myself the same question of “trial and tribulation.” Having compassion from the human condition and coming to a truth I finally was able to see made me question it today “as empathy who think they hide it well” plus things that in a normal environment (business environment) as an incident to help a friend turned brother at the Days Inn at Downtown Riverwalk has the night desk clerk give me an explanation talking to me if I never ever traveled out of San Antonio, speaking to me like many women get spoken in the city of San Antonio that i loved, resulting to retaliatory behaviors after revealing his condescending tone, degrading me, and ignoring me entirely which in s business environment would not be acceptable, having to reach customer service also mocking me when I asked what I did and told them writer, could hear the the call center outsourced that the first representative said they all worked at, had the supervisor think out loud “oh shit” after looking up my webpage that the blog stats showed a view as stats appear in real time. Having more views that same day, still being underminded by a non returned call made by the Wyndham Corporation that thanks to the respect that these employees choose to give, has hindered the perception of a once glorified perceived notion, that has demonstrated something we tolerate in our place of work, a toxic work environment that bleeds into the treatment. That begins to infect the personal lives of the majority that like a virus mutates/evolves with the ghosts of everyone’s past. Which true be told, ifs you have the courage to wear the armor in unknown territory, will see just how unfair the world can truly be. Prove me wrong by physically walking in someone else’s shoes for a 24 hours to its entirety, being the raw and vulnerable version of you. But the beautiful thing is you see those amazing people who do for everyone out of necessity and start seeing those who do it out of being unhappily comfortable, which was revealed by the priest in my speaking to the higher power I was raised on. The ugly truth that I was given, to have a gift of insight and don’t persevere through the abyss of doubt, there really isn’t hope after all. People may not understand now or ever, but many souls are willing to sacrifice themselves which is why we have free will. Which the reasons behind the advice given is unique as it was meant specifically for me, played the undertone of Elton Johns “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” as every conquered chapter in life is another yellow brick road left behind.
When you rise out of the ashes, you earn your wings every time. Where the people who care about you always hope that your not wasting your life, will prove to not only you and them, that the wings you always earn where meant to fly. When I was first presented with this song was on Dancing with the Stars when Amber Riley, Mercedes on Glee performed “Wings” as her song. Everyone who said she was overweight, braced us with her presents with a mesmerizing performance. Girl got it and those who doubted her got got. It happens more than we want to admit, where people who commit crimes and get away with it leave those hinders in grief and irrational states as many hate crimes occur that get spinned as hate crimes when ugly truth is, its a an act of devaluing someone. No one wins because no justice is gained and the act of conditioned devaluing begins a slippery slope in believing this behavior is okay and to social norms, normal.
This is what created the toxic work environment that I was subjected to. Conditioned behavior becomes a culture where this behavior is welcomed in not only work environments, but social and family environments as well. Which is why I applauded the ending of revenge, where Amanda Clark’s father David Clark stopped the slippery slope that he stopped, where her daughter was able to find peace in her happily ever after, where money wasn’t her motive in her journey. It was the need to seek justice for her father.
Rising from the ashes had me let go two things the materialist aspect of the life I gained and the perception that others who wouldn’t understand was going to leave of me. But in a world where we feel justice is never met, it was necessary. It would be on those who didn’t understand and wouldn’t try as they didn’t invest time to find out, was their responsibility and as long as it doesn’t affect them, it didn’t matter. The journey has also shown, it will eventually affect you later, as words don’t mean a thing when it’s all said and done. And learning to fly, seeing those who thought they were nobody has always shown them as it showed me that you may have a match, but capable of making an explosion when taking back your life, as Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” recites. As you just moved mountains for those also in the same boat. As your effects from your cause just rippled to everyone in the same battle. Which is why I believe we are never on it alone. Which has truth to “we are in it together.”
Rising from the ashes also showed me that no matter how dark it is, I’ll go hard with it. Miles Morales in into The Spider-Verse shows that even regular people who come into power need to perfect their skill to make it effective. Being a rideshare driver has helped perfect it and also has bit me in the ass when people assume my blogs are a rant of complaints on the things I feel that I’m gonna humiliate them. I hate to break it to them, some of them are not that important or interesting. It’s those looking for change and receptive are the ones that their stories featured in my post, anonymously of course. Today I was deemed the love doctor and “Hitch” amazing character that Will Smith plays who like me, gives advise so people can find happiness, admitting his mistakes. Momma, poppa, abuelas, tías, and tíos all told me not to waste my life, and it might not pay the bills now, will eventually, where the wings, a dragonfly that my first ex destroyed, was the gift my dad gave me one birthday which was a glass and swavorski crystal ornament that I yet still can’t find a replacement of. In a world where everyone was a butterfly deemed me his dragonfly, which Swift and confident flying with a purpose, is both beautiful and cunning in its purpose. Which is my next tattoo. And where people say I’m looking for danger has me saying “What’s Up Danger” now has been to proven to myself that as in the song by Blackway and Black Cavier say in the same song “can’t stop me now.”
Bananarama’s “Venus” is the victory song I jam out to now that post quarantine traffic presents my new examples of the everyday people capable of both good and ill intentions in the sake of self preservation. Those who admire the song for whatever reason will show props while others will show disappointment or in extreme ways humiliate. The consistent expression who have me blurting our “She got it, yeah baby she’s got it, I’m your Venus I’m your fire your desire” which those praising it will sign along and show their appreciation, while those in a failed of humiliation in stray sad puppy face look of disappointment. The only living creature I will save are stray animals when it’s all said and done. Bringing me back to the happy moments with my mom saying to myself, mom we did it.” There are so many greats that exhibit this Venus persona. From Lady Gaga to Lizzo who is feeling “Good as Hell” after facing adversity regardless of what to come which coined my “pull a Lizzo” quote. Regardless of what other see her as is 100% comfortable in her own skin at the end of the day.
“Piece by Piece” by Kelly Clarkson hearing this song for the first time was another American Idol song I wanted to perform as it expressed the pain the I had about an event I fully didn’t understand. Which is why I have so much forgiveness, the missing element being a love I still haven’t gained only the love a father who did evening he could to give me the life he felt, but still was not true to my story. I didn’t need someone to save me because I saved myself. And although a family in their act of self preservation thinking I blame them for all the bad or the things they didn’t do is not the truth to my story either. Because in a collaborate effort, they played a huge role collaboratively. In their struggles, gave me the power to save myself, with no intention helped saved others save themselves on this beautiful disaster I call my unraveled journey.
P!nks “So What” is the anthem to this journey. As in this journey, I was always told I was a bad ass, and even when denying the comment, have proven more ways than one that my irratic behavior was just the makings of a rebel, who had fun in the process as I was being me 100% of the time. Funny thing is those who actually genuinely see this in all walks of life, bringing me to the advice of seeking a life coach career from a collective consensus from all walks a life, made me take it more serious from someone falling from grace, someone living in a gated community needing id verification before entering, a gated community residence, and someone now homeless due to COVID19 quarantine made me think that before the psychologist credentialing is the way to stay grounded in the venture to being a psychologist. I’m a huge Sinatra fan and express my love for him in my book as his song “My Way made me come to terms with the unknown fate of the unknown fate I was about to face, with the doubt that I repeated in my head is I should of listened to the advise and worried about me. The same from the honest people knowing I lived in a mole infested apartment being told by my friends, their children “be careful with her, you don’t want to get what she has” which in their ignorance would of research was done that it’s not contagious, unlike COVID19, which their fear turned ignorance. Which we all are guilty of in one point in life. But the things left unsaid and the lyric that in powered me the most even those I was being a voice for unknowingly by their injustices life gave made “I did what I had to do without exemption” was the result of me turning my head in silence. Not getting involved even though doing nothing made me just as guilty. And that no matter what is said about me “the record shows I took the blows and did it my way”. Which in the process, as the universe provides and with the agreement that I would be their forever life coach after exchanging numbers and saying, they would get me the credentials to get the credentialing I need to begin my life. Thus from a rider, who I helped see the errors of their ways and helped make his wife feel like the diva she is in Austin, TX. And after swapping childhood trauma stories with someone who made a great name for themselves, telling me that I found my calling, having someone who came from the wrong side of tracks like me and being the representation of all of my close childhood friends who I’ve lost physically looking down and feeling in my heart saying “this bitch is doing it”. Brave and bruised, well bitches look out cause here I come. Regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, I gained an unbiased perception that no one can take away. In the end like “This is Me” says, “I’m not scared to be seen, this is who I’m meant to be. This is me.” Because little do you know, when you find your power, you too will be someone’s like my new friend says, be the preacher the world needs. Unapologetic and calling out the bullshit that we don’t the change we want to see. Finally in your act of courage, being the hero you always wanted to be. In the end also saying “this is me”.
I start this blog off with Imagine Dragons “Thunder” as the lyric “I was lighting before the thunder” because this was the absolute truth. Telling those who’s ability I underestimated telling them the passive aggression action that I lied to myself that I would do. But still allowed the shit to happen, which made me foot my down when those who thought would cross them knew I meant it. Leaving them caught off guard deflecting things they knew were the reason into guilting me into thinking I had a problem. Now that my loan forgiveness application submitted, I’m a semester away from going back to school for a degree psychology, I am on the way to credentialing myself to those who continue to doubt my logic to better equipped myself with the training to enhance my knowledge further. And I have no resentment or hate either. Haters are gonna hate even after I get my credentials. Hoping that I don’t complete my studies and knowing that I will, will day things to discredit me when I’m passing them up. That’s always going to be the case. Because it has nothing to do with me, cause truth is I broke the chains. And the bitterness comes from being left behind in their unethical character. But as long as they show sincerity to change, will give them the opportunity to still in the end gain redemption.
Breaking the chains is a a self powering moment anyone can experience in life, it not only presents the opportunity to empower yourself for better, it gives those in their errors learn from their mistakes. Which accountability is learning tool to improve one’a self. In lighter days with time I spent my mom, something she doesn’t have to admit to me. She saw the power I had to influence when she would sing Bananarama’s “Venus” which all the good memories that brought so much happiness to my life will never be forgotten. No matter what I will always love her which is why the American Idol in this last goodbye, Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” as I only enabled her bad behavioral patterns in my insecurities. Because those who truly value in their misperception and their guilt will in the end alway make you the person that you are really not. Because your when you know what you need to get yourself right and already proving that you can perceiver. A misconception that lets face it, will alway be the way they perceive you throughout life, with a false perception that they knew you better. Will end up being as when they enable you in the bad behaviors in their guilt and sympathy will be the excuse in the end you will win with in justifying the attempts you really didn’t give your all as the excuse why you never succeeded. Another ripple that decredits the character you gained in your initial struggle.
So before I started my day of rideshare driving I ended up of course, holding the couple accountable of their emotional outburst that put me abs others in danger by trying to side swipe me, that car cam showed they did after saying that they threatened them, which showed their flicking me off and erratic behavior in their actions. And after they avoided me in traffic by going the opposite way I was, wasn’t even important to me which hopefully manipulating the truth as the officer said would not be tolerated, only proves what I’m about to say next. I’m only proving a point because of my theories in a book I wrote. That after it’s done and you serve no purpose, I will walk away as the importance you shown of your self and your actions is going to be the disrespect. I I need to walk away from you till you prove otherwise. And in that lesson, that couple learns not to play with fire as there is always someone who will always show us a lesson on accountability.
Brie Lawson plays the perfect Captain Marvel. In the epic fight scene she has in her solo debut in Captain Marvel, she holds everyone accountable to the very end of the movie, putting hope and faith in everyone that valued the most including herself, stopping a behavior she showed in the beginning, the conflict she had within herself. This is the ripple we do to ourselves conditioned to be afraid of certain threats. Like Macklemore raps “Legend is exodus searching for euphoria” in “Glorious” making me realize that I another lyric sings “I’ve made it through the darkest of the night and I will see the sun rise” as my next example shows my conditioned bad and comprising behavior ended being excuses for my half ass efforts before.
Today was a way to keep myself accountable on the psycho babble I talk about in my blogs and my book. While seeing a elder lady attempting to pass a busy intersection that she almost got hurt as everyone honked at her to move, and looked while they felt bad stopped to ask if she needed a ride. Already convinced she was taking my time, stopped and looked for her in a grocery store that she left as she said to come back in an hour. Telling a rider who said girls can’t find things after he said he was near a tree with a stone base that had multiple trees with the same base st the complex. And in the same ride getting insulted by my response after he demanded in confidence to hang out still told him he was a good person. And when he said your crazy to care stand up for others said, that’s why we never see things change and said in a minute silence, your right. And my dad who after saying the rest that I knew I needed to feel better said it was me being lazy, had a broken heart crying and said you pulled my head out of my ass and thanked him as he knew I was having a flare up of systems said it’s not his fault. If someone first did the right thing at Sprint, I would of had FMLA and benefits to get her care I needed. But it was my fault as well. I knew the warning signs as I was told by so many people before. That even though I hold myself accountable, they didn’t hold themselves accountable. That in their act of underestimating me, I have a bigger purpose. To say the things that we never want to admit. And the hoe Basic Betty made me out, as in Gwen Stefani’s “What you Waiting For” quotes “take a chance you stupid hoe” cause if I didn’t, I would never saw how great life could be now, if I kept waiting. Brings my question to you the reader, What you waiting for? Now as she also says “I know it’s so messed up on how society thinks. So go rewrite your journey.
I’ll be the first to admit, I was never good at saying good byes. One the rising artist I’ve seen start at the bottom and work his way to the top is the miraculous man who’s name Post Malone. Excuse my French when I say “I fucken love this man” and regardless of those people who think his brand is of poor taste can fuck off. Because Post Malone keeps himself 100% authentic is his lyrics, the mood that matches the lyrics, and in his song “Goodbyes” is the basis is how I begin this blog. Which to avoid bias judgement for those who haven’t heard this song, include just the lyric version of this video.
This journey has afforded many blessings. It’s afforded me the ability to gain knowledge and get insight on how to deal with problems better than I use and many cases effectively than I did before. Counselor Brandon, who I encountered in my blogging journey, after reading some of his blogs can see the inspiration that comes out the writing he expresses. I’m not gonna say it was all me. Truth is it just wasn’t my input as some ways he expresses his words have a bit of my message but has his originally. It’s a collaboration of many things like my blogs include. I start with this because mastering my ability to let go was also a process of trial and error and when discovered, mastered the art of saying goodbye by identifying my own triggers that kept me in bad situations that just caused more grief and the things I needed for myself to heal.
I know I’m long winded in writing and when I talk, that’s one of my flaws. Truth is I don’t know when to shut up sometimes 🤷🏼♀️, which is why I cone across a know it all, but truth is I’m not. But saying that won’t work for me just set me up for failure, because in my deflection the disservice I did to myself was that I was convincing myself and saying out loud that since I thought I knew myself well enough was the reason why I knew better. I always knew myself well enough but the guilt I wasn’t in tuned with kept me from growing. Because the people around me and the constant doubt it would provoke, that the decisions I made were of selfishness and that because of this, I’m causing people to suffer, which my first DM who I wanted to work with so well as he shared the same leadership style told me in my guilt of leaving San Antonio and leaving both my families in worry and hearing their adversities from the effect of my cause, almost had me prematurely move back to San Antonio, as the fear that I started getting which was how my ex almost got his way in getting rid of me so he can have his cake snd eat it too, which perceived that he wanted to do what he wanted to do. If he only could be transparent with telling me what he wanted, would have made it much more easier after he had a history of jumping from relationship to relationship and giving bad advice cause he knew better, wound have more genuine people in his life that he always expressed that their was someone who wanted to wring him. Well there is always an underlined reason as to why. In his pride thinking people were envious, only was in his case righting they wrongs that he did, and once again the ripple effect of those actions is revealed.
Ke$ha’s learn to let go was the anthem in the start of the healing process. In Houston, I taught myself woodworking, which being a beginner DIYer afforded me a paying gig that pre journey fed my dog Lucas and I in the beginning. This song as we know I’m a crier made me break down when I heard it because of the one lyric “I think it’s time to face all my demons” as this was the thing that I knew I had to do as “the past won’t haunt me if I don’t let it” would be the only way I could get my life back. And as the Universe provides always and after the fight of others who were wronged, as writing this blog has afforded me to apply for the loan forgiveness program to free from my debt of my MBA. And as this is a sign that I’m on the right track now affords me after submitting the application, will take me to what I was meant to truly be, be a psychologist.
The act of nurturing evokes of feeling of love, compassion, and importance to someone. We all want to be nurtured and we all at one point feel that we did not get this in our lives. This is a perception is biased as our version of nurture doesn’t match what is defined by society or by the people we surround yourself. The difference is that their are two versions of nurturing that we long for, through the need to validate and the need for justification comes from intentional and non intentional. Intentional, which comes from a selfish nature that afforded the resources to have nothing but time, intentionally neglects a child or individual in the act of self gratification. The unintentional, which comes from commonly my side of the tracks; is the limited time based on the cards they have been dealt, struggling to find the balance between providing necessities to upkeep the well-being of the household while struggling to keep up with the adversities of life, which in most cases requires two jobs and limited time to nurture kids. Don’t get me wrong, those in those situations still act selfishly but I truly feel it was unintended. As we constantly hear how worthless we are, why are you so stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, which comes from the own unresolved issues that with their regret and their struggle with their worth, is intended as tough love to prevent you from falling into the same trap. There is also the dark side of nurturing. This becomes a vendetta or a insecurity stemmed from a misperception stemmed from the childhood that they never had and will whatever they can to provide the life that they didn’t have perceived as better than theirs, still holding insecurities, enabling their kids and conditioning their children to use bad behavior as a manipulative tool to gain the life that they now feel you didn’t provide. Where because it was never enough for you with the insecurities that convinces one by the lies they tell their kids, you fall into a trap that you begin to vicariously live through your own child. It doesn’t mean your a bad parent, not at all. In fact I want to congratulate you for sticking it out. There is no right or wrong in the journey as long as you are sure of yourself. I don’t devalue anything you did as being a parent is tough as juggling your life and the lives you’re responsible for are tough. I say this as before taking the journey I felt like I could of had a better life with no understanding or empathy of the sacrifices my parents did. That being a parent is the cruelest of all titles to have, because your not only trying to follow the social norm in parenting, you face the judgement of so many people throughout the society, that due to their own struggle with self worth, they degrade the things that you can’t provide to your kids. As the social norm of parenting, is another rat race of misconception of lies, what you perceive, and in the bad cases demonizing a parent who did wrong by the actions a child’s misconceptions of the nurturing they are not receiving from you. Since behavior is always solely based on the upbringing of the child, makes you guilty by association, causing you to self preserve all in the sake of pointing out the real problem. Where courage, expressed in the best case scenario, turns dark when you and your child are outcast by society norms.
In my book I talk about balance. Getting to know both sides for me help me rationalize what the good versions and bad versions fit in. You can read the book about the effects that occurred when parents who devalued my upbringing, the trauma I faced, and my physical appearance that didn’t fit social norms and the effects it caused; when grown adults intentionally and purposely degraded me enabling my daily life in school. With that said, everyone tried to convince me as a teenager why my paternal family was such bad parents and why my entire life would be ruined if I continued to be raised by them. Of course due to self preservation, they attempted to make be the problem. But graciously, I had professional help that made me see at an early age due to being a low income family that what I perceived is not true. As the cards that my family was dealt, required my families limited time as almost everyone worked and in some cases two jobs, the life they provided. Yes they all had self sabotaging behavior, but truth is they knew with the trauma I faced, I had to grow up face and learn. As in my case, my trauma emotionally matured me as I gain self sufficiency on my own. I gained courage earlier writing about sensitive topics like abuse, molestation, and the emotional affects that suicide and how people’s lack of compassion plays a role in that. I was already a rebel early on and posed as a danger. What took the cake was when I talked about treating people differently is discrimination and that if we want to be unique, as everyone wanted to be in high school we had to love our parents, respect them, but be the person we are made to be. English teachers and debate teachers loved it, while parents demonized me as a threat. Now seeing the reason, a fucken teenager was calling them out for what they are and not what they perceived, which led to my parents transferring me schools three different times. One similar perception every teenage and parent had, establishing their own worth based on the things they did, what they wore, the car they had, and the achievements they established in high school. Thanks to a supportive network and the establishment of my maturity, I was back at my old high school which was the Nova Net program and completed my curriculum six months before I walked the stage, where the ones who saw my potential said I would do great things when I shake their hands as many nurtured the talent that I had and the ones who I posed a threat said whispered, your gonna amount to nothing. Again with the doubt that I would become nothing because someone who knew better ended up using their dark side to self preserve.
Self preservation has revealed the dark side of people that they all swear they don’t have most of the time. When insecurity and other factors I mentioned come into play, everyone who has has an upper hand or something you never could attain is out to get you. Well thanks to the dark psychology and the behavioral patterns we get conditioned for survival is absolutely the honest truth in most cases. Which made me touch back to basics to get a better understanding. I grew up catholic but I was drawn to Wicca. Not knowing why at the time but Wicca embraced nature and that like everything in nature good and evil or dark and light existed in everything the universe encompasses. Biology reinforced this with cell functions where protons and neutrons were the positive and negative electrical forces if I recall correctly. In my professional life, positive and negative behaviors determine the outcome of certain outcomes, and thanks to my metaphysical psychologist who Catholic by nature took the positive messages in religion as he also shared the love for one of humanities I shared Theology, has both the light and the dark in the messages it gives. If you don’t believe me, read the entire Bible. It doesn’t matter which one. There are some evil actions that it justifies the need for, that in our society would be deemed unethical, immoral, and potential a wrap sheet or potentially the death sentence.
In my journey one of the favorite foes I like to encounter are the self righteous. Although they appear consistent they are always betting on the insecurities you possess to be the way they manipulate you into believing what they believe in the sake of personal gain. Because the stereotype I perceive to them as being insecure, they always attempt to use first my insecurities as a scare tactic, then the traumas and my failures as way to shame, then God to scare me into obeying them as God is giving them an ultimatum that if I don’t obey I will be punished. What then happens is this. I tell ask them if their sure as God is telling me something else, then when they try to devalue me as God doesn’t talk to you cause your no one he would speak with, reply well are you sure your talking to God as my near death experiences have shown me a different description that you describe, follows justification of why things are different for me then them, which then has me asking why is he different if he’s suppose to be Universal, then by using another figure and questioning that characters moral standard, results to insults which then becomes the insecurities they really are concealing, then degrading me to the lowest form, where I call out the trauma that it stems, and finally when self preservation is used in the negative way, the real reason why they are truly not what they say they are pointing out not only the trauma they hold, but the sins they continue to commit today and the unforgivable sins of the past. And in their pride convince themselves of their worth, pointing out that if God truly spoke to them, why isn’t he correcting your sin of pride. This has shown wrath as I have had one get physical in their lack of self control, causing myself to physically defend myself and play a victim accusing me of causing the confrontation but always disproving the lie thanks to pedestrians, cameras, and the things they have done to others along the way. But it breaks my heart at the same time, because blinded by their pride, they never seem to find peace and just result to criminal behavior as many have now been convicted of hurting others.
Background and the past has so much to do with the way people feel. The truth is as everything in life always exist one common element, positive and negative. A rider told me something that I said YAAAASSSS to about the pandemic, that we lie to ourselves and when he admitted I like the other lies I tell myself I asked when I dropped him, permission to shake his hand. He asked he felt he was skeptical to say that because everyone he encountered always deflected what I told him in my book was self preservation. Telling him the content of the book, the trauma I experienced, taking accountability of the things I had control of and coming to terms with the things I couldn’t control which truly become the element of people. Thus turned to beginning the process to forgive myself of the things I did to others that I had control of, and started the closure to the negative events and being gracious of the positive it made me see just how beautiful life truly is. As simple as it sounds, it’s never that easy. Starting with my journey was just the basis, but sharing the journey of those willing to try, deceptive in the desire to try, the disappointments they endured during the journey, the milestones they reached in the story, and the positive places the journey took them. My hope which is the best case scenario, to see them reach which I am sure exist an improved version of the journey that with no doubt in my mind has gotten me to a happiness and love that I never thought I would ever find. And with all the hope in my heart learn something that I may have not attained as of yet. In the pursuit of hope, love, and happiness real talk, aside the ridicule of being psycho babble, cult talk, or whatever those who not ready to face themselves, is limitless universal, and at the end of the day uniquely you. Because you don’t have to change yourself or your beliefs when you take this journey. The only thing you need is an open mind, an open heart, and the courage to change.
I can’t take full credit for the things I have gained. It was a collaboration of work that was instilled by those whoI haven’t perfected their art in gaining their absolute individual power. I still love and respect them the same. It wasn’t for them and the time they invested, I wouldn’t be to the state of mind I’m in today. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know it all. I’ve made so many mistakes on this journey that I almost stayed at rock bottom. Happiness in my distorted perception seem farther and farther from my grasp and everything seemed hopeless. I will tell you now that in every disappointed in grief, I at one moment lost self control one way or another. Because I failed at mastering self control, I ended up self sabotaging myself whether it be emotionally, doing busy work, having excess friends, becoming a workaholic, whatever outlet, self control was in many times my Achilles heel to avoid dealing with my issues. Self control also comes in the form in the act of passive aggression, which I’m very familiar with. Not being able to control my passive aggressive nature in the same of being polite, I always in one way or another allowed people to take advantage of me thus not being able to control the lie I told to others thinking I was convincing them. Self control starts by controlling your own actions. As many people oppose of places opening up businesses as this shows a doubt in their own self control. Truth is, despite the warning already given as the virus can spread through not only sneezing, but breathing, taking, and lives for a few days with the threat of still getting contracted, people will disregard facts, get sick and then blame someone else for a risk they brought upon yourself. Fear will always make those afraid of the unknown and those reckless in nature due to self conflict as they dodge accountability. Which brings me to this ugly truth. The ugly truth, I was lying to myself and all they saw was a vulnerable person who in every situation manipulated me into things that I always knew. This began the ugly habit of enabling the bad behaviors of others not only allowing them to disrespect me, but disrespect others later on in life. Because I convinced myself that standing up for myself by standing up was rude, the reality was I deep down inside was scared of the unknown. Playing it safe wasn’t really safe because it just left hurt, alone, and even more vulnerable where. That when my wrath came out, began taking things out on people that never deserved it.
People will always say they know what they want. Even when they have choices and given what they want, it’s still something that’s missing. There is always something that maybe by tweaking it a bit, maybe I’d this was different, maybe if this person was in my life…the list goes on and on. And when that doesn’t work, we fall into the double life, which many of us have done. You don’t need to tell me or justify anything, it shouldn’t matter to me or anyone for that matter. The common thing I see is always trying to seek validation and expressing what makes that person better. It’s just a waste of time because I don’t care. Not that you don’t matter. Everyone matters. It’s because what you do or say will never be judged. We all want to feel validated and important. We all been there. The best way to practice self control is learning how to control your insecurities especially when someone has proven to you and shown you your in a safe space. But I understand very well why being vulnerable is the most scariest of them all. Because there has always been that one person that we did this with only resulting to them telling the world we are in the things that make us cry. Truth is almost everyone has experience the betrayal by those we trusted the most. This can hinder our progress by having uf take a few steps back. In a scenario when already struck with grief and stricken with post trauma, it’s only a matter of time that an act of self preservation towards that individual who because no compassion or empathy was afforded will make a person have to start all over again whether emotionally or financially. In that moment that someone feels like their is nothing to lose as their perception shows there is nothing left to do can end up having a person cause harm to themselves or in wrath cause harm to others, which after watching enough Discovery Crime will be the representation of those who pushed them to that point. And because a stranger made them feel worthless, will not only cause harm to themselves but the ones close, putting innocent people in danger because the only thing they really wanted was time.
The thing that I’ve found in this journey is that bravery and courage are two different entities. The two action have made leaders. Being brave is defined as courages behavior or character where as courage is the face of pain or grief. However, life isn’t about aiming to be a great leader. Brave is something I used for a long time. It was my crutch in many situations. For the longest time I was brave to change. I had to face many people with bravery and always ended up back at the same. With self doubt and haunted by the past that reinforced my insecurities, I never changed. I became a version of the person I am today. Truth is in this mindset, I turned my head in many situations and allowed others cause harm. Forgiving myself for that was a struggle. When I gained courage to change, not only did I stand up for myself in fear, but I had to turn away from the ones I loved to assure that I didn’t allow those who I cherished the most influence as their intentions for my best interest were only just for mine. Coming into a toxic environment in every retail store setting, I always after proving that I could be trusted and had the best interest of everyone involved was told of the many people that fell victim to the injustice of many. With the recoded call that had my boss threatened me with what my cause would only have me when he was done “shake my ass and give head for a living”, that bending wouldn’t change anything. That after now a third time after finally finding that the infections I was getting was stemmed by doctors release to return to work, and sending a return to work from the ER, which required on a phone call a hospital release was never asked until concerns I shared with started new boss who replaced my previous boss that stated the mess his was the way they were going to terminate me. And during an unemployment hearing even after sending a interim manager the new job changes was only adjusted for me when others were not doing as they were getting prepped for a executive position in the role we shared. But the thing is because opportunist will always take advantage of situations as everyone typically exaggerates the truth to dodge accountability, people will always question someone’s motive because of the things someone influenced someone to do with dark psychology. Keeping it 100% sociopathic tendencies were used on you which you used on someone else. Which ironically when people call me crazy for being transparent, letting them know boundaries, yelling them what to expect, and staying consistent of myself; a psychologist only having an hour session with the person you perceive, will not see what insecurities will present to me. Because the lies you tell them to presume your not crazy. Would diagnose you with multiple personality disorder. But it’s not because your crazy. It’s because the courage to change may jeopardize everything you worked towards. And without the reassurance of mine, that knowing myself and fearful of what was going to happen as he knew my benefits were ending and this would be the last session said I was very close to closure, to healing, and to being able to help me. And sharing pieces of his story said that once I was 100% sure of myself, I would be able to help people in a way I never expected. Fulfilling a purpose that I always wanted and backed with life experience, will be impactful because I mastered empathy, but sympathetic because I was able to identify the behaviors that self sabotage, but will not judge the person for the actions. Now that I gained true humbleness, will help identify those behaviors so a person can see the behavioral pattern and see that these are the reasons why they struggle with happiness. Because the person they perceive is not really the person they want to be, because it’s someone’s version of them. If interested here is the lyric video of the song.
There are so many things I should of been. During our current pandemic, microbiology as the science mentality I have and the understanding of how micro-organisms work has had me call how when it first began end up being exactly how it was . I told my inner circle and those who with their actions are no longer part of it as they are not ready to gain redemption. With people always wanting validation have to validate credentials, has the burning desire to go back to school to get a psychology degree. Of course since I’m still paying for MBA I am now using with the Friedathewriter.com business, that is something I have to start saving up for. Truth is, even with this human perception will when a person is faced with the person they are not ready to face will have them perceive things that are absolutely not true. They will begin to demonize me into thinking no matter if I am relating with the person that I’m doubting them or think I’m better than them or whatever new feeling arises from that insecurity, will end up having them self sabotage them into doing things they normally wouldn’t do. With someone who knows the system, retaliating against making false accusations, and with the precautions that a psychologist takes once they identify the warning signs of dangerous psychological behavior, will end up coming to light a side of them that they weren’t ready to face. Criminalizing themselves and revealing what their life wasn’t what they thought it was and because of my worth they perceive as many people in normal settings. People give up, start self medicating, and dodge the truth about themselves in destructive behaviors, which a few people including a person I dated who always thought he knew better ended up doing. He ended up in the process of seeing his psychologist and telling me what he wanted me to know, went back to gambling with the sabotage committed in stealing my savings to gamble, began taking things out on me when he started deflecting that by his encouragement to start resolving my issues felt intimidated and threatened by me. Telling me the evil things my family who told was going to propose, also made it seem like I was an alcoholic, that I was drug addicted and still not knowing his intention, the history he had and the accountability he dodged, ended up after putting me in a situation of being homeless for a 18 hours in Houston but I had my girl Dal, the big sister she selflessly became, always was the one to get me out of trouble, that I still feel I never genuinely showed the appreciation that she wanted and totally earned.
Expecting something from someone is flat out entitlement, regardless of your justification. No ones problems or time is more important than yours. With every journey simple or catastrophic, someone’s pain is never bigger than yours . For me, when someone told me someone had it worst than me, I was compelled to take the selfishness I gained by that guilt which like many people I’ve crossed path with would just be callous sympathy that as long as the threat didn’t appear in my personal life I was fine. Prior to Sprint, my attempt to self preserve always ended up being retaliation. Regardless of the events that occurred, I always exaggerated the facts and with the lack of self control exaggerated the truth. When people use your history as a basis of your common behavior, showing bravery and only that will disprove your efforts and what was intended as good turns into ill intentions. But what happens when you get the courage to change? Stay tuned. As all my actions weren’t stemmed from self preservation. In P!nks song “Courage” it will always bring out a new kind of emotion, that even though I was wronged presents as a selfless emotion of grief. “I bury my heart hear in this dirt, I hope it’s a seed, I hope it works” for me is, through the adversity I’ve faced sailing into a unknown fate, I see so many people going to similar adversity. Where fear that I felt, is by everything we encompass through non verbal and verbal, visual and non visual that even though denied is easily identifiable by the actions done to you, everyone else, and myself. That regardless of what is done to me, redemption is always an option which dependent of those willing to work for it. Because the persona we mimic whether it be from a real life scenario or from art is something we all aspire to be, but truth is; it’s not genuine. Because it’s not your true self. Once comfortable with your own self, reveals the persona perceived by other that is much greater.
Where my personal persona which began as Lara Croft and now having no need for that beautiful disaster my scared self hid behind, to those wanting to gain the courage to become their true self has now in their eyes, Wonder Woman and although not needed is giving me way to much credit, will always be grateful for that compliment. Coming into my power, that I never knew I had surpassed every accomplishment I thought fulfilled my purpose. To them I am a hero, but because of a humbled heart will never have me resent someone who as long as they consistently show their willingness regardless of how many mistakes it takes for them to get it right, and without enabling the behaviors that turn them into someone else’s villain, will always have compassion and unconditional love for them. Because the selflessness I gained and courage I fought for reflects a persona that they see that has been portrayed by women with the same courageous spirit, in our reality will always be someone’s hero, without wanting to and without trying. Although continues to be struck by grief and by fear will always continue to be the person I came to be without falling into the trap. Because when what I learned may be done better. And with every mentor that has threw me off the nest so I can learn to fly, will always have them fly back relaying their triumphs and the things they did to succeed. Through consistency and mutual respect will give me the opportunity to improve my purpose as now, if not able to comprehend due to my inability to gain comprehension due to lacking that life experience, have gained an allí, with the characteristics gained that match mine, begin to start a ripple effect of hope just as those ancient philosophers did without expecting to, without wanting to. As their courage to change stemmed from a social flaw that if afraid of not fitting in, would never have gained the courage for their own change, would be the inspiration that their era wasn’t ready for, but was adapted in a era that truly needed it.