The Best and Worst Case Scenario of Determination to Survive

In my life I’ve seen a lot of things occur. One of the most amazing things I’ve seen those undermined and underestimated beat the odds. At the same time I have seen to cruelty that comes when those with inflated egos full of narcasstic character and in the most dangerous sociopathic tcharacter, have seen those same individuals be taken advantage, where vulnerability is tankn advantage and those in ill intent come into the arena of life and fight fair, where in their blind perception play God and take that powerful’s force life.

Looking back at my life, I honestly have to say that I am completely happy with my life. I did a lot in the short time I lived. I have professional experience to fill up a resume with the modeling, the fashion designing, the public speaking, the painting, the furniture making, the interior design, the syling, the training, along with the professional experiences I have been blessed with in my lifetime that actually paid the bills. Shit writing is one that is slowly but surely taking off.. Even MMA fighting would of been one that paid the bills, if my family didn’t take me out of it if I didn’t get my ass whooped by a bigger bitch. Shit we were friends for a quiet a long time until her demise. Which is what inspired this blog to begin with. One of the things I’ve learned in this new psychology venture that I am excited to start classes in the fall with is that once you mastered the psychology within yourself, theories that other known psychologist talk about is the metaphysical psychology that those meet. If it wasn’t for that discovery most recently, I would see my dreams as just that. Where last nights dream, one that made me relive some of my days prior to my college journey as teenager introduce me to my ride or die that started off as an enemy with. As her family requested to have her annonymous as they are still after 15 years are still attempting to get justice back for her slain daughter by a man who started with great intention, killed her in the act of jealousy, insecurity, and an inflated ego. Where because of his family roots, backed up by money and good name, leaver her death still unjustified. And had me in a dream take it as a sign to let it out to the Universe again so Karma can catch up with the unfinished work she hasn’t completed.

I still practice like I was still training for MMA. It helps gather my thoughts and organizes the cluster fuck of thoughts in my head. Driving does the same thing, which is why I choose to Uber. One of the many things that I think about when I spare alone is the many guys in my life who resulted to physical intimidation that played victim when their effect of their cause was an asskicking that deflated the ego they once had. Which brought me to the idea that I know my fate will end up coming in that moment that someone feels they are God. That’s the reality in the world we live in. One of the lessons I learned from my coach, my beloved late Uncle Mike , was that “you must be aware and prepared as best you can for the threats that come your way” which doesn’t surprise me as he was a United States Marine Corp at one time. Unfortunately he got dishonorably discharged for something he never talked about. An action that he was instructed to do that he refused to sell his soul to the devil for. That’s another thing, there are bad apples and corrupt souls in organizations that we tend to turn our heads on and follow blindly. Which is why the “do your research” from those biased ignorant minds don’t phase me at all. Little do they neglect to realize is that everyone has a public record, even the elite. In being a rational truth seeker, those resources are given in the sake of fighting justice. Just because it doesn’t come out on a police report or a credit report, the two things we as a society count on to gain acceptance, doesn’t mean that the rest of what happens is not public. Everything these days is public. Depending on the purpose self ratified preservation or the the act of justification, the backstory will tell you exactly where those intentions of a individual lie.

While evoking my MMA spirit animal, Rhonda Rowsey, which I am a huge fan of by the way. Made me think back to some of my poor yet glory days when I started at 16 years old as a way to protect myself from the bullies a out of the box child brings their way. What could of started as an ill act to protect myself the only way I thought and be introduced to an invigorating art that made me become more humble (as many do this to inflate their ego more) made me think about my slain friend. Which started as a romance from a fairy tale to the manipulation of his family, then in his moment of narcissism turned socialpathic behavior, killed my friend because of the upbringing that she came from, making her noble family still in grief and in more conflict as this family used all their power to prevent this family from rising from the ashes a unfair fight for their survival. Although they at the bottom of the barrel fight for survival, I have to admire them; they played the cards that were handed to them phenomenally. Talking to my slain sister (as everyone close becomes family) brought so many great memories and a grieving session on both parts. She was a remarkable woman. She would of been someone who would of made it when MMA actually became a sport. We also talked about the unfair fight that was her last moments in life. Where her then husband drugged her with a date rape drug and when she fought her way through the affects and began to fight back, in his desperation stabbed her and drowned her when she still fighting for her life, hit her in the head with a object and then still fighting, drowned her in the bathtub of their home where I visited a year prior. And his family with their wealth wiped their hands clean to make their prodigal son look like she went crazy and attempted to attack him. My thought was how could she? She wasn’t that kind of person. And for a gluttonous prick now resulting to cosmetic surgery to give him the body he has now, is all a gimmick to the righteous person he claims to be.

Her family told me how proud they were of me and my sister would of been even more prouder, where if she was alive we would get back in the ring and spare having her say “don’t forget bitch, your still human. Never forget that your not invincible” which is a mantra I carry with me to this very day. You see, the determination to survive has two sides, the positive and the negative. Self preservation from the perceptions others see us can turn even the most noblest of people evil in their moment of pride. I pray for my sister’s killer till this very day as the empathy that I have for him doesn’t go away. To be proven by the world, which he lives off of his parents because of an inflated ego has to be the worst prison anyone can ever live in. Trapped by those who enable your bad behavior and the constant fight within yourself, when are you going to stop and empower yourself to rise up, before it’s too late. Because those situations of intimidation are more frequent than we want to admit. With the absence of respect and morals, it’s only a matter a time when someone will provoke you betting that your going to crack. But if you don’t care as much as you say you do, then why are you thinking about it as you read this? Every time I hear this song I think of her. We use to be deemed the “party girls”. This one is for you my female Torro. Hope your swinging from the chandelier of heaven with that smile I miss so much. How does it feel to see your seeing your little sister in this big bad world swinging from the chandelier with these tears as they dry. XOXO

Silence of Our True Self – Conditioning in Bad Behavior

I always have said this and I will continue to say it but in this amazing and ever self discovering journey there is still a lot that I am learning, some about myself and so much more about the condition that we call human nature and the ripple we all cast into the universe. I owe a lot to the psychology adventure that I am embracing early as the woman that I am in keeping my word, will be going back to the classroom to in the fall of 2020. One of the many things that is constant in the human behavior is the social biology or the evolutionary psychology that we all play a role in all in the sake of our own self preservation and own survival. Many of us have conditioned our mind to focus on one thing and one thing only, ourselves. When I began this journey,

I began with the mindset that personal motive especially in self gratification was the only factor that in a common theory in study of psychology is a combination of both influence, personal choice, and material motive. One of the most important thing that I have been presented with is that the truth about the social norms we live with in America’s patriotic rose colored glasses on now getting distorted each and every moment in an individuals time of injustice, we all subconsciously live in a fight or flight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In the act of deflection in the lies we tell ourselves at the end of day the Achilles heel to the positive change we whether we want to admit it or not, is what we all engage in and still engage in our own presence of fight or flight; is in the end the reason why change and equality doesn’t occur.

Many will say it’s an act of inability or effort, some will debate its because humans don’t deserve mercy, and some will say in the sake of conspiracy theories that we are already brain washed to be sociopaths so we can destroy ourselves within our own social groups so those seeking absolute power can gain it without effort using the seven deadly sins as the weapons we arm ourselves with for survival made to be success and happiness. Regardless of these things, my mentality, my persona which I am most certain as each day passes regardless of the ridicule, the doubt, and the abuse that comes within my own social group, has remained and intact as the innocence that theoretically should have been lost in my early stages of trauma during my childhood, still remains less naive and now more aware and rational, that our nature which is good and pure has been set of the track in our constant fight or flight mentality. Which in many situations, the things that we willfully choose in the presence of entitlement in our selfish intent to give us that additional chance to redeem ourselves from those we demonize which is a combination of biased opinion conditioned by social norms, our social groups, and our personal life experience in hindsight turns honest people dishonest, making it more and more difficult to break away from the good we attempt to surface through faith, religion, and philanthropy just keeping us chained into the gray area that we can’t break away from, not because we can’t but because truth be told, no one has been able to successfully set a standard of how it truly looks like.

When I first started the journey I talk about in the “Journey of an Unraveled Road” there were a lot of perceptions when I started I realized were biased views of how the world appeared in other words how things are in the world. I started realizing that in the end we all want to fit in and the only way that we can achieve that is by success and happiness that the “social norms” deem appropriate. I believed that people needed to just get empowered and stop focusing on the things that don’t even matter in the end in order to gain true happiness for themselves and for others. Like always, you are not revealed things until you are finally emotionally ready to prepare for them. What I am about to say doesn’t change the hope and unconditional love I have for the human condition and although like I always say, I am not in the business of rescuing people, I will never meddle with free will as the act in egoism is ultimately the only thing that enables the need to feel unsatisfied. In a world where we want positive change and fairness, we will never get that as social norms which fueled by the Seven Deadly Sins is ultimately a world where in order for people to survive one must conserve their own worth and material values they have accrued to gain more and look down upon those who do not meet our caliber. The ugly truth is social norms are all narcissistic character.

Those who disagree with all the things I have mentioned or written and has demonized me, insulted me, or made me has engaged in egoism or what is referred to as “inflated ego” or grandiose which is a self belief in one’s evaluation of inferiority that makes them feel that “no one is greater” than them. Truth is even if you have people that you see as an “equal” you still look down to those who doesn’t meet your caliber or standard. Grandiose also correlates to a psychiatric diagnosis referred to as narcissism. Like all negative, I still will always see the positive or the light of the tunnel. Truth of the matter is, I still believe that this is unintended in many cases, but at the same time there are cases that although is in way to deep, but still have ways to disable a bad behavior that I also believe due to self preservation, is why these behavioral patterns began in the first place. At the end of the day, I feel that truth of the matter is, this behavior started to protect ourselves from the dangers of people and to shield us from the bad intentions or harm they might bring to us if we don’t find ways to prevent these individuals. Of course these characters come in all walks of life, but the most dangerous one’s are the ones we surround ourselves vulnerable, in our comfort zones, and unguarded as these individuals have already found ways to manipulate us, have poisoned us, has already hindered us. The worst part of all this, is that they live with us, they work with us, they sleep with us, and in the majority of the cases came from us.

One of things that many abusers will say “you shouldn’t let people affect you” is an enabling mechanism to allow you to accept this type of abuse. Which ultimately is psychological manipulation which is an acceptable common behavior in our social norm. The ugly truth is, this is why people become violent I believe. We tend to let people insult us, abuse us, and even intimidate us and the truth of the matter is that we let go. In a catastrophic scenario, where the effect of this particular cause affects the lives of innocent bystanders via school shootings, protests, and many other things that cost many lives. I also feel that after adolescence and going into adulthood, is why people who know better do horrible things, some in a selfish manner where children and spouses get murdered by at one point were model citizens and selfless such as terroristic attacks, where not knowing the backstory and not even caring as to where these motives stem from, leave those in pain and agony from more than likely a extremely traumatic past, where for the sake of fitting in and being accepted was the main motive, was manipulated along the way to do horrible things to innocent people that continue to do these things in their everyday life in a more passive aggressive way. Boundaries are the key to protecting yourself from this and being equal with everyone who violates those boundaries. You initially will do someone the favor as many severe cases leads to a person with an inflated ego and inflated self esteem that at that point is capable of causing harm to others in their moment of rejection. In hindsight, this is why I believe that positive change never happens. We don’t hold true to the boundaries, we aren’t sure of what is abuse and what isn’t, and even though our intuition tells us that something feels wrong, we talk ourselves out it. Many in their grandiose will immediately say “she isn’t perfect” and I will be the first to tell you, I am far from perfect. I am not aiming for perfection. I am aiming to continue to become the best me and choosing to be the outcast, as this is not the norm I want for myself. I don’t want to live my life in fear nor do I want to live my life second guessing myself. I’ve done it, I am doing, and I will continue to do it. One of the things I say in the book is that “regardless of the outcome and the treatment of others, when those in their own time are ready to take the courageous journey, I’ll be there” and I hold true to my word. I am nobody to those who will shun me, but I am a somebody to the those I have helped along the way. Because truth is, those who I am a nobody to, is a nobody to me. Truth is I am not going to manipulate you like many religous leaders do in the sake of “being saved” do as I am not going to control your free will. Ultimate power is not something I seek or want. I will not be held accountable for something traumatic that happens to you that is not your choice. Because in the end, when (and I truly hope you never do coming from the poster child of trauma) when your left alone because someone stole the self worth, in the end whether it be as a life coach or as a psychologist, or even through my books, I will be there to pick up the pieces so you never can stay silent again. Truth is, to stop silencing ourselves and protecting us from dangers, we have to identify the threats that are around us. The journey of being humble is admitting to yourself the things that have already happened and the the things you caused yourself.

Despite of all this doom and gloom, I know there is hope. Silencing ourselves from the mistreatment we accept is something that I feel is the key indicator of moving toward positive change. When you start standing up for yourself on the boundaries you establish that involve you earning from someone and vice versa empowers you in a way I can’t even explain. When you stand up for a mistreatment you would never cause someone intentionally (because you can’t help the way people feel) you feel almost superhuman. One of the things we omit in our everyday life is the common sense of respect. I’ve observed many people and due to my late post, I have been traveling around Texas and a few outside states to determine this truth. I have also dressed in various ways to see the type of reactions I would get. You would be surprised the reaction received by each perceived persona. In an attempt to be “right by God” many of them do a half ass attempt to do the right thing. There are only a very few good one’s out there who will invest time and actually do what they can to help someone, and that’s a win right there. When I asked them what compelled them to take the time, many of them all had a personal reason that affected them at one point in time, which I praised them for as many people who endure trauma become more narcissistic in the sake of protecting themselves. Many of those who admitted they did the bare minimum bought a copy of my book which I was gracious and happy to sign, writing a personal message for each that had the tone of “human nature is made to be imperfect, it’s what we do to become better people than we were” while those who were ugly verbally abuse me in their grandiose saying “you are a nobody” or “I will make sure you never get anywhere” and my response was a “oh your hurting my feelings with your inadequate and unimportant influence and existence” which in a few cases had them in handcuffs and majority of them being “religious”. But my question is if I am not that relevant then why do you have to react or result to violence? Truth is we all get judged and the perception we relay is how people view us. But because of that perception, we go to the extremes to self preserve the identity we made for ourselves. Which due to this my biggest wish and hope is that hopefully one day, we can live in a society that being you 100% you, in your beautiful imperfections not for the sake of us in the present, but for the future generations, which at the rate we are going I feel will be even more horrible a world to live in than today.

Writing the Wrongs in Accountability

I start this blog off with Imagine Dragons “Thunder” as the lyric “I was lighting before the thunder” because this was the absolute truth. Telling those who’s ability I underestimated telling them the passive aggression action that I lied to myself that I would do. But still allowed the shit to happen, which made me foot my down when those who thought would cross them knew I meant it. Leaving them caught off guard deflecting things they knew were the reason into guilting me into thinking I had a problem. Now that my loan forgiveness application submitted, I’m a semester away from going back to school for a degree psychology, I am on the way to credentialing myself to those who continue to doubt my logic to better equipped myself with the training to enhance my knowledge further. And I have no resentment or hate either. Haters are gonna hate even after I get my credentials. Hoping that I don’t complete my studies and knowing that I will, will day things to discredit me when I’m passing them up. That’s always going to be the case. Because it has nothing to do with me, cause truth is I broke the chains. And the bitterness comes from being left behind in their unethical character. But as long as they show sincerity to change, will give them the opportunity to still in the end gain redemption.

Breaking the chains is a a self powering moment anyone can experience in life, it not only presents the opportunity to empower yourself for better, it gives those in their errors learn from their mistakes. Which accountability is learning tool to improve one’a self. In lighter days with time I spent my mom, something she doesn’t have to admit to me. She saw the power I had to influence when she would sing Bananarama’s “Venus” which all the good memories that brought so much happiness to my life will never be forgotten. No matter what I will always love her which is why the American Idol in this last goodbye, Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” as I only enabled her bad behavioral patterns in my insecurities. Because those who truly value in their misperception and their guilt will in the end alway make you the person that you are really not. Because your when you know what you need to get yourself right and already proving that you can perceiver. A misconception that lets face it, will alway be the way they perceive you throughout life, with a false perception that they knew you better. Will end up being as when they enable you in the bad behaviors in their guilt and sympathy will be the excuse in the end you will win with in justifying the attempts you really didn’t give your all as the excuse why you never succeeded. Another ripple that decredits the character you gained in your initial struggle.

So before I started my day of rideshare driving I ended up of course, holding the couple accountable of their emotional outburst that put me abs others in danger by trying to side swipe me, that car cam showed they did after saying that they threatened them, which showed their flicking me off and erratic behavior in their actions. And after they avoided me in traffic by going the opposite way I was, wasn’t even important to me which hopefully manipulating the truth as the officer said would not be tolerated, only proves what I’m about to say next. I’m only proving a point because of my theories in a book I wrote. That after it’s done and you serve no purpose, I will walk away as the importance you shown of your self and your actions is going to be the disrespect. I I need to walk away from you till you prove otherwise. And in that lesson, that couple learns not to play with fire as there is always someone who will always show us a lesson on accountability.

Brie Lawson plays the perfect Captain Marvel. In the epic fight scene she has in her solo debut in Captain Marvel, she holds everyone accountable to the very end of the movie, putting hope and faith in everyone that valued the most including herself, stopping a behavior she showed in the beginning, the conflict she had within herself. This is the ripple we do to ourselves conditioned to be afraid of certain threats. Like Macklemore raps “Legend is exodus searching for euphoria” in “Glorious” making me realize that I another lyric sings “I’ve made it through the darkest of the night and I will see the sun rise” as my next example shows my conditioned bad and comprising behavior ended being excuses for my half ass efforts before.

Today was a way to keep myself accountable on the psycho babble I talk about in my blogs and my book. While seeing a elder lady attempting to pass a busy intersection that she almost got hurt as everyone honked at her to move, and looked while they felt bad stopped to ask if she needed a ride. Already convinced she was taking my time, stopped and looked for her in a grocery store that she left as she said to come back in an hour. Telling a rider who said girls can’t find things after he said he was near a tree with a stone base that had multiple trees with the same base st the complex. And in the same ride getting insulted by my response after he demanded in confidence to hang out still told him he was a good person. And when he said your crazy to care stand up for others said, that’s why we never see things change and said in a minute silence, your right. And my dad who after saying the rest that I knew I needed to feel better said it was me being lazy, had a broken heart crying and said you pulled my head out of my ass and thanked him as he knew I was having a flare up of systems said it’s not his fault. If someone first did the right thing at Sprint, I would of had FMLA and benefits to get her care I needed. But it was my fault as well. I knew the warning signs as I was told by so many people before. That even though I hold myself accountable, they didn’t hold themselves accountable. That in their act of underestimating me, I have a bigger purpose. To say the things that we never want to admit. And the hoe Basic Betty made me out, as in Gwen Stefani’s “What you Waiting For” quotes “take a chance you stupid hoe” cause if I didn’t, I would never saw how great life could be now, if I kept waiting. Brings my question to you the reader, What you waiting for? Now as she also says “I know it’s so messed up on how society thinks. So go rewrite your journey.

The Power of Goodbye

I’ll be the first to admit, I was never good at saying good byes. One the rising artist I’ve seen start at the bottom and work his way to the top is the miraculous man who’s name Post Malone. Excuse my French when I say “I fucken love this man” and regardless of those people who think his brand is of poor taste can fuck off. Because Post Malone keeps himself 100% authentic is his lyrics, the mood that matches the lyrics, and in his song “Goodbyes” is the basis is how I begin this blog. Which to avoid bias judgement for those who haven’t heard this song, include just the lyric version of this video.

This journey has afforded many blessings. It’s afforded me the ability to gain knowledge and get insight on how to deal with problems better than I use and many cases effectively than I did before. Counselor Brandon, who I encountered in my blogging journey, after reading some of his blogs can see the inspiration that comes out the writing he expresses. I’m not gonna say it was all me. Truth is it just wasn’t my input as some ways he expresses his words have a bit of my message but has his originally. It’s a collaboration of many things like my blogs include. I start with this because mastering my ability to let go was also a process of trial and error and when discovered, mastered the art of saying goodbye by identifying my own triggers that kept me in bad situations that just caused more grief and the things I needed for myself to heal.

I know I’m long winded in writing and when I talk, that’s one of my flaws. Truth is I don’t know when to shut up sometimes 🤷🏼‍♀️, which is why I cone across a know it all, but truth is I’m not. But saying that won’t work for me just set me up for failure, because in my deflection the disservice I did to myself was that I was convincing myself and saying out loud that since I thought I knew myself well enough was the reason why I knew better. I always knew myself well enough but the guilt I wasn’t in tuned with kept me from growing. Because the people around me and the constant doubt it would provoke, that the decisions I made were of selfishness and that because of this, I’m causing people to suffer, which my first DM who I wanted to work with so well as he shared the same leadership style told me in my guilt of leaving San Antonio and leaving both my families in worry and hearing their adversities from the effect of my cause, almost had me prematurely move back to San Antonio, as the fear that I started getting which was how my ex almost got his way in getting rid of me so he can have his cake snd eat it too, which perceived that he wanted to do what he wanted to do. If he only could be transparent with telling me what he wanted, would have made it much more easier after he had a history of jumping from relationship to relationship and giving bad advice cause he knew better, wound have more genuine people in his life that he always expressed that their was someone who wanted to wring him. Well there is always an underlined reason as to why. In his pride thinking people were envious, only was in his case righting they wrongs that he did, and once again the ripple effect of those actions is revealed.

Ke$ha’s learn to let go was the anthem in the start of the healing process. In Houston, I taught myself woodworking, which being a beginner DIYer afforded me a paying gig that pre journey fed my dog Lucas and I in the beginning. This song as we know I’m a crier made me break down when I heard it because of the one lyric “I think it’s time to face all my demons” as this was the thing that I knew I had to do as “the past won’t haunt me if I don’t let it” would be the only way I could get my life back. And as the Universe provides always and after the fight of others who were wronged, as writing this blog has afforded me to apply for the loan forgiveness program to free from my debt of my MBA. And as this is a sign that I’m on the right track now affords me after submitting the application, will take me to what I was meant to truly be, be a psychologist.

The Beauty of Imperfection

Entitlement is shown in everything we do in life. Whether it be trying to get ahead in traffic, cutting in a line or even showing an action to someone in the act of degrading all the shows is that we feel more important than the ones that are around us. Entitlement is shown in everything we do in life. Whether it be trying to get ahead in traffic, cutting in a line or even showing an action to someone in the act of degrading all the shows is that we feel more important than the ones that are around us. Which then leads to an act of selfishness and recklessness that the ripple effect that occurs in the self preservation of ourselves but shows our act of devaluing someone else’s self worth and the property that they have attained in their life. We are the effect of a cause that have people protecting their assets and in a catastrophic effect in the example of traffic, leads to road rage. But once again due to dodging the consequences and not taking accountability, demonize those whose blood sweat and tears were devalued. But the arrogance that we demonstrate is the only thing that has triggered the effect. As showing someone in our actions of arrogance Leads someone to put us in in our place. To learn that the things they surround themselves are a cover-up. And the things are only a cover-up for the insecurities they really have. Captain Marvel in the DC universe has a unique power that the others not have, which is possibly why in The Avengers End Game can single handedly defend herself against Thanos. Because when hero’s allow deflecting like Captain America attempted to do in the same movie when he attempted to guilt her in taking accountability of the catastrophe that happened in their world, had no hesitation to also say that the comment comes from selfishness as he did not consider other universes that others were experiencing also and that her help was needed where hero’s did not exist.

In Captain Marvel, the closing credits theme music of Celebrity skin is the poster child song for this journey. Talking about the adversity that I presume Courtney Love faced trying to make it in the music industry, which in the assumptions of others, affords the choice to decide when she leaves and comes into the limelight as she chooses. Which truth is her big picture mentality has financially prepared her that regardless what her journey her humbled nature and her previous endeavors regardless of what opinions say, will humble her to be content with the things life brings her. Seeing tragedies that celebrities face, it shows to be a difficult path as the world is telling them that they have no reason as only few are chosen to get that attention in this journey. And because of the material things they gained in their adversity is the reason why they are being ungrateful. The commoner mentality will always in their fall from grace always judge those that in one mistake lose it all. In my book in congratulate those celebrities successful and fallen as they helped me probably never knowing the effect they had as well, to make this ordinary person into the Captain Marvel, the Wonder Woman of the real world that others deem me to be but refuse as pride is something I gained control of in this journey. But also because I’m only human, can also be prone to losing sight of it as well. The journey has blessed me with being able to cross paths with all walks of life from the lowest of the low society deemed to the rich and famous that everyone strides to be. Not revealing those people as I’m not here to get validation from anyone because my validation is good enough. Have all said one common thing, never stop being a good person. Reality is that the only resin I could accomplish this was because the beauty of the imperfect society deems is the reason why I’m here to begin with.

I have the highest respect for Eminem. He shows a lot of growth in him with the song “Not Afraid” as this song in my crossroad made me very emotional. This song is the epiphany of what I have seen in everyone’s journey. Seeing the things I was doing and allowing, I refused to keep living this way where raising the bar. Being a misfit of the music world, he to did things to change his life. Before this, I began to have a love of country due to Carrie Underwood as her music talk about the the lives of everyday people just like all country songs due. Wasted helped me start seeing the current mistakes of my life and seeing the mistakes that those who beat themselves up for their mistakes faced. In Something In the Water we hear her sing about being saved and the positive effects it has. Religion is beautiful to me because it brings greatness out of people. It’s a beautiful thing to see. but pride is always the downfall to good intent. Those I lost along the way instilled something in that made me coin warrior king and queens. Those fallen have always shown me the way. Even the though the battle is lost, doesn’t mean the war is lost. Along with those outcast who always embraced me into their life. In there pain came out a beautiful characteristic that those who know better never possess. Compassion. Compassion on its purest forms of expression in the journey that anyone can receive. It shows genuine compassion and the act of someone truly caring. Because when we want to feel special, we never ever feel that sincerity when we get it from and ingenuine people. Any world were we never see change, we also never experienced your compassion because of the fact that we are blinded by the values we try and force to gain. In this journey, when you genuinely want to change, is when the change you hope starts to happen. Because that change has now become you. Because when we’re looking for a savior, we don’t realize that we now just became your savior as well.

The Grimm Wonderland of Social Norms

Holding myself accountable for the things I did helped me forgive myself. Holding accountable for the actions that resulted to effect from their cause eliminated. Setting boundaries with both my expectations with adding that I also expect those to hold me accountable and as long as open communication that was both safe for all involved would open dialogue that the reasons to why someone felt based on The Who, What, When, Where, Why, How, which in the end is scientific theory, I ended up being able to hold myself to true accountability, provide if the opposing party was in the wrong, paint a scenario putting them in my shoes made me identify my friends, my foes, and those who in the end had selfish intent. Which made the perceptions that people believed which initially as a coverup since they the stereotyping was what they convinced that I truly was, and how the emotional crutch that I used in every scenario made me realize something I never could clearly see. In a world where we surrender ourselves in the sake of gaining the things that is perceived to be success, a strong support system, we in the end as shit hits the fan are left alone in their own self preservation without intent, revealing those who check up to see how far you fell from grace. In a world where we are told to pick and choose your battles, only applies to the battles that are personally not yours. When you matter and establish not only material items, but the characteristics you established, every battle matters as the adversity, the pain, the blood, sweat, and tears is an act of someone’s attempt to dodge accountability. As in life when this comes to light, you realize that as it started off as a small offense, has turned into an offense that becomes a behavioral pattern everyone has done, is the reason why you need to put your foot down and since the principle of the matter and common sense has been neglected, reteach the class the examples and the basics of respect. The ugly truth, your not the only one they did that to, but now seen as the weakest link, the perception is you don’t have respect for yourself. If you don’t matter to them is the baby step on finding the courage to change.

I was naive to think that in a professional setting, these things don’t happen. Real talk I understand the logic behind it. It’s still wrong and once clearly visible, makes those a hypocrite. When I first stared at Sprint, I thought it was the employees I managed. Come to find out, it was the makings of a toxic work environment as with every store I had to prove I could be trusted. The one AE, I reference to as Basic Betty in my book, screamed insecurity from the day I stared. She couldn’t take a simple no, constantly deflective, always vain by the means of bragging about her weight lose, always envious as people mocked her when she never got the acknowledgment that she assumed, always took credit, and always perceived the staff for what they in the end nothing like she made them seem, and in her act of needing acceptance, always closed sales in unethical ways. When a female came on board, her face would show her fear and intimidation of that women, especially when she was attractive. I already knew what she was about but played dumb as everyone had something to say and the way she played dirty. One of those things was seducing a upper management staff and claiming it was sexual harassment. In every situation she was always the victim. The advantage she had was she had numbers. And the tactic she pulled was already coached by my mentor back at TMobile that things went south, but I don’t take it personal. I was still learning and growing. But how can we stop someone stop something if we turn the other way? Which once the execution is complete, just creates a gateway that just creates more fear which we now fall into a rabbit hole where change never happens and running away is the safest thing to do once unethical action begins.

One of the hardest thing to do on this journey is let people learn for themselves. It’s harder to not try to protect someone from the things that the effects of their cause bring. I’ve had to purposely walk away to avoid my self sabotage, but the emotional crutch that helped me get this point helped me master it in every experience. As going into the situations already has me knowing what to expect as regardless of the boundaries they continue to cross get crossed, you end up deciding that enough is enough. Same thing with romantic relationships, seeing it now, with every disappointment of not being the fairytale ending I use to perceive before the journey, I ended up drinking my sorrows away every day coming home to an empty home filled the traumatic events that took place. Changing the setting of my home didn’t change anything either, still using that crutch still didn’t take the pain away. With every change came a different crutch. Along the way I met people who genuinely cared who I ghosted with every threat of presumed feeling they thought they were better than me. Which also helped in my crutch of staying busy which in the current time turned into some sort of creative expression, which passive aggressively helped me come to terms what was happening at the moment and ended up turning into the domino effect that became The Journey of An Unraveled Road, which still a journey of constant growth within myself made me first started with an act of courage, the unconditional love from my dog Lucas, forgiveness within myself, and knowing that there was no right or wrong way. This domino ended up getting me through the beautiful disaster my life really was compared to what I perceive made was way more better than I gave it credit. It was not just my work, but the product of everyone who appeared in it, even if it was for a minute. Where strangers who cared shared a few gold nuggets and the ones who also struggling to find their true selves invested time in this nobody that I called myself pre journey. That because crutches, self preservation, and the life we tried to make some accomplished and some failing proved that happiness we perceived is just settling for what we settle for. And that the reason we feel hope is gone, because happiness through the media and culture is measured by the material you gain and how together you appear. Which like what was said by a few riders after hearing my struggle all admit that telling the truth about the trauma has done and the things they do to numb that pain, labels them as psychotic and mentally unstable as the value of perception has hid a families skeleton, it’s been hiding multiple to attain social norms.

The ugly truth is we all have an addiction that we can’t control. It’s the little white lies that we tell ourselves each and every day to not be guilty or be made out to be something that we are not. We are addicted to not facing confrontation. Even my grandmother, the saint who is prone to this too. It starts with something that’s already defected as in today’s case, my glasses that was already missing a screw and falls apart if you grab it from the eyeglass leg. Where asking her who broke my glasses made her say I don’t know how they work. This for a second upset me and just made me laugh in the end because after telling her they were already broken and just needed to tell me that it fell off, had her still covering the truth still. Telling her if she just told me it would help fix the issue. Then telling my aunt I must me in a bad mood and telling my aunt they were already broken and her now just smiling herself, saying she always does that. Just because we fib to dodge accountability doesn’t mean our behavioral pattern shows that it isn’t the things we are use to. Because my grandma in relief of not being judged. Because taking accountability and making an effort to change, instead of expecting people to adapt to us makes us guilty of being entitled. And with the examples I’ve experienced and my willing to change for the absolute better, starts breaking us out of the things that we do ourselves that were conditioned behaviors based on other people’s perceptions on what our lives should be. Because my experience, which in normal social norms would make me be deemed damage and broken has demonstrated that even the misfit of society can change behavioral patterns, gain control of her life, and like the ones trying to prove their worth to the world, always in the social norm mentality try to out do an accomplishment I never intended to complete that gives a powerful message. Without even intending not only sharing the stories that I experienced by those who knew better, never got help from the those same people. That the people who actually gave a shit were the same people that the world turned away and in the best case, afforded them the success they hold that no matter how many white lies they tell themselves. Always results to not truly being happy with their lives and uncomfortable with themselves thinking that in my moment of wrath that I have control of, will result to me being a liability that can expose who they really are. But with the lack of their own self control of not being able to control their emotions, avoid me as now being clear why the effects that occurred were only a consequence of their cause, disrespect me by disrespecting my boundaries. Because the only ones that helped me gain this logic, was the bad case scenario. Which crucified by their mistake due to so much grief, trauma, and the continued afflictions made by those same people who knew better deemed them worthless all because they had no emotional control to bottle up the things that they endured. The only thing different between the two, those people who deemed themselves more valuable end up in the end better liars. Which results to more and more damage and more and more trauma through, let’s just call it as it is verbal and emotional abuse. When faced with misfit who had an upper hand, start of commitment a fib that can lead to illegal activity. And in the moment of desperation a crime to preserve the assets they gained and the perception they lied to get. And because now, finally standing up to these wrong doers and sharing these experiences, calling bullshit to the ones that did them wrong, will always be deemed arrogant and vain because not only will they think that a published book will fill me with pride, another thing I gained control of, but those who think they know better that has done them wrong, will convince them and reassure them that because I don’t have the things they have, something must be wrong with me. And in that act, the misfits with no value to the world has sabotaged themselves in the worst way ever. Now under the wing, those people who started as good people are now the demons, caused by fear of losing their title, the assets, and the image they perceived, which is influence by someone on a higher tax bracket. Where originality is really your mindset, as the journey has proven, begs the question “Are we truly being brain washed” as many conspiracists believe. The truth is the only party that are guilty of brainwashing is ourselves. Because the influence we have on one another on the fantasy Wonderland that pushes us down the rabbit hole of our own demise. Being fearful of what is at stake. As Macklemore raps in the song “Glorious” the world is truly in our hands. And that in the end, I wrote this book because as he demonstrates in his personal and professional life, he always question one motive “did I look out for other people or did I do it all for fame?” Since this also has been told it’s very controversial and was warned that I would get kick back not because of the content, because it makes you reflect on your true self and the things you’ve done. Which is why everyone deserves a fair chance of redemption. This isn’t meant to shame people, it’s meant to keep honest people as honest as they allow themselves to be on their own terms. Because in this life where we feel like we have no control, the beauty is we do. Where thanks to my blogs and pointing out what I’ve done, face myself, and erase what I become like Linkin Park quotes, it helped a grieving mother begin to relive again, grieving in peace that the news refuses to update in her state due to the misjudgment they made and the lack of research they did which discredits their reputation. And a woman filled with grief of a broken childhood almost losing her job for her manager in a convenient store with unprofessional demeanor, almost got fired because after he seduced her and promised the world and a future which preyed on her vulnerability, retaliated against her because now finding someone else who he illegally gave alcohol to on the job, almost got fired after taking time to rationalize the pros and the cons of the whole situation, preserved her job as the 18 year old also was about to incriminate when she accidentally drank from the wrong cup and found out, there was alcohol. Which in both cases and what I made the mistake many times before waiting for something good to happen or someone to stand up for me, won’t happen in a dog eat dog world as everyone is trying to protect themselves. Where in each case after resentment begins to take a hold and wrath takes over, leads to consequences that won’t save us when we face our final judgement in the after life. And in each situation revealed a trend of bad behavior and a history of degrading the value of others, not only helped them gain courage to change, but now are convinced that this book has no pressure or no gimmicks. This book has nothing additional product to invest other than the book and any others to provide confirmation that it’s effective in the stories told from others of different races, demographics, and economical backgrounds. Because the investment they will invest is in themselves, finding out that the person they devalued is priceless. Because in the end, we are all priceless. And the only motive I’ve had from the day I started this project that started as a journal turned published book is not only seeing people happy but seeing people empower themselves to be greater. This always drove me as a manager. And without the help of my very first mentor who talked about their are things that drive people, concerned that since I showed not to be money driven, and I was driven by seeing empower themselves when they did things they never thought they could do, led me to a career path that now is limitless.

Starting with likes from around the world on blog post, to interactions with people including some celebrities that will be named nameless to protect their privacy and only reveal themselves on their terms, to long and deep conversations with psychologist asking for insight on how to handle a specific case to assure they help people even when emotions both on my end and their end because someone thinks they know better (I’m also prone to that at times) allows us to let the personal feelings go, and focus on what matters. The facts of the person, the scenario, the environment, the history, the triggers shown, and the what is causing the behaviors. Is it truly something they did or something we did? Thanking me for helping them eliminate bias behavior, keeping the situation anonymous, and encouraging me to go becoming a psychologist or life coach. Teaching me something and considering for material in my next book, that balance is not the only important in this journey, but what keeps us driven requires a healthy balance to. As my childhood developed a nature driver to help people, the driver that we develop in many cases conditioned at a early age is something that hinders ourselves that ends of being something we do to self sabotage ourselves in gaining something so many people never get the chance to feel. In my book I reference it as the greatest love all. The ability to find absolute and humbled, self love.

Courageous Act of Change

Warner Bros Pictures, DC Films 2017

I can’t take full credit for the things I have gained. It was a collaboration of work that was instilled by those whoI haven’t perfected their art in gaining their absolute individual power. I still love and respect them the same. It wasn’t for them and the time they invested, I wouldn’t be to the state of mind I’m in today. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know it all. I’ve made so many mistakes on this journey that I almost stayed at rock bottom. Happiness in my distorted perception seem farther and farther from my grasp and everything seemed hopeless. I will tell you now that in every disappointed in grief, I at one moment lost self control one way or another. Because I failed at mastering self control, I ended up self sabotaging myself whether it be emotionally, doing busy work, having excess friends, becoming a workaholic, whatever outlet, self control was in many times my Achilles heel to avoid dealing with my issues. Self control also comes in the form in the act of passive aggression, which I’m very familiar with. Not being able to control my passive aggressive nature in the same of being polite, I always in one way or another allowed people to take advantage of me thus not being able to control the lie I told to others thinking I was convincing them. Self control starts by controlling your own actions. As many people oppose of places opening up businesses as this shows a doubt in their own self control. Truth is, despite the warning already given as the virus can spread through not only sneezing, but breathing, taking, and lives for a few days with the threat of still getting contracted, people will disregard facts, get sick and then blame someone else for a risk they brought upon yourself. Fear will always make those afraid of the unknown and those reckless in nature due to self conflict as they dodge accountability. Which brings me to this ugly truth. The ugly truth, I was lying to myself and all they saw was a vulnerable person who in every situation manipulated me into things that I always knew. This began the ugly habit of enabling the bad behaviors of others not only allowing them to disrespect me, but disrespect others later on in life. Because I convinced myself that standing up for myself by standing up was rude, the reality was I deep down inside was scared of the unknown. Playing it safe wasn’t really safe because it just left hurt, alone, and even more vulnerable where. That when my wrath came out, began taking things out on people that never deserved it.

People will always say they know what they want. Even when they have choices and given what they want, it’s still something that’s missing. There is always something that maybe by tweaking it a bit, maybe I’d this was different, maybe if this person was in my life…the list goes on and on. And when that doesn’t work, we fall into the double life, which many of us have done. You don’t need to tell me or justify anything, it shouldn’t matter to me or anyone for that matter. The common thing I see is always trying to seek validation and expressing what makes that person better. It’s just a waste of time because I don’t care. Not that you don’t matter. Everyone matters. It’s because what you do or say will never be judged. We all want to feel validated and important. We all been there. The best way to practice self control is learning how to control your insecurities especially when someone has proven to you and shown you your in a safe space. But I understand very well why being vulnerable is the most scariest of them all. Because there has always been that one person that we did this with only resulting to them telling the world we are in the things that make us cry. Truth is almost everyone has experience the betrayal by those we trusted the most. This can hinder our progress by having uf take a few steps back. In a scenario when already struck with grief and stricken with post trauma, it’s only a matter of time that an act of self preservation towards that individual who because no compassion or empathy was afforded will make a person have to start all over again whether emotionally or financially. In that moment that someone feels like their is nothing to lose as their perception shows there is nothing left to do can end up having a person cause harm to themselves or in wrath cause harm to others, which after watching enough Discovery Crime will be the representation of those who pushed them to that point. And because a stranger made them feel worthless, will not only cause harm to themselves but the ones close, putting innocent people in danger because the only thing they really wanted was time.

The thing that I’ve found in this journey is that bravery and courage are two different entities. The two action have made leaders. Being brave is defined as courages behavior or character where as courage is the face of pain or grief. However, life isn’t about aiming to be a great leader. Brave is something I used for a long time. It was my crutch in many situations. For the longest time I was brave to change. I had to face many people with bravery and always ended up back at the same. With self doubt and haunted by the past that reinforced my insecurities, I never changed. I became a version of the person I am today. Truth is in this mindset, I turned my head in many situations and allowed others cause harm. Forgiving myself for that was a struggle. When I gained courage to change, not only did I stand up for myself in fear, but I had to turn away from the ones I loved to assure that I didn’t allow those who I cherished the most influence as their intentions for my best interest were only just for mine. Coming into a toxic environment in every retail store setting, I always after proving that I could be trusted and had the best interest of everyone involved was told of the many people that fell victim to the injustice of many. With the recoded call that had my boss threatened me with what my cause would only have me when he was done “shake my ass and give head for a living”, that bending wouldn’t change anything. That after now a third time after finally finding that the infections I was getting was stemmed by doctors release to return to work, and sending a return to work from the ER, which required on a phone call a hospital release was never asked until concerns I shared with started new boss who replaced my previous boss that stated the mess his was the way they were going to terminate me. And during an unemployment hearing even after sending a interim manager the new job changes was only adjusted for me when others were not doing as they were getting prepped for a executive position in the role we shared. But the thing is because opportunist will always take advantage of situations as everyone typically exaggerates the truth to dodge accountability, people will always question someone’s motive because of the things someone influenced someone to do with dark psychology. Keeping it 100% sociopathic tendencies were used on you which you used on someone else. Which ironically when people call me crazy for being transparent, letting them know boundaries, yelling them what to expect, and staying consistent of myself; a psychologist only having an hour session with the person you perceive, will not see what insecurities will present to me. Because the lies you tell them to presume your not crazy. Would diagnose you with multiple personality disorder. But it’s not because your crazy. It’s because the courage to change may jeopardize everything you worked towards. And without the reassurance of mine, that knowing myself and fearful of what was going to happen as he knew my benefits were ending and this would be the last session said I was very close to closure, to healing, and to being able to help me. And sharing pieces of his story said that once I was 100% sure of myself, I would be able to help people in a way I never expected. Fulfilling a purpose that I always wanted and backed with life experience, will be impactful because I mastered empathy, but sympathetic because I was able to identify the behaviors that self sabotage, but will not judge the person for the actions. Now that I gained true humbleness, will help identify those behaviors so a person can see the behavioral pattern and see that these are the reasons why they struggle with happiness. Because the person they perceive is not really the person they want to be, because it’s someone’s version of them. If interested here is the lyric video of the song.

There are so many things I should of been. During our current pandemic, microbiology as the science mentality I have and the understanding of how micro-organisms work has had me call how when it first began end up being exactly how it was . I told my inner circle and those who with their actions are no longer part of it as they are not ready to gain redemption. With people always wanting validation have to validate credentials, has the burning desire to go back to school to get a psychology degree. Of course since I’m still paying for MBA I am now using with the business, that is something I have to start saving up for. Truth is, even with this human perception will when a person is faced with the person they are not ready to face will have them perceive things that are absolutely not true. They will begin to demonize me into thinking no matter if I am relating with the person that I’m doubting them or think I’m better than them or whatever new feeling arises from that insecurity, will end up having them self sabotage them into doing things they normally wouldn’t do. With someone who knows the system, retaliating against making false accusations, and with the precautions that a psychologist takes once they identify the warning signs of dangerous psychological behavior, will end up coming to light a side of them that they weren’t ready to face. Criminalizing themselves and revealing what their life wasn’t what they thought it was and because of my worth they perceive as many people in normal settings. People give up, start self medicating, and dodge the truth about themselves in destructive behaviors, which a few people including a person I dated who always thought he knew better ended up doing. He ended up in the process of seeing his psychologist and telling me what he wanted me to know, went back to gambling with the sabotage committed in stealing my savings to gamble, began taking things out on me when he started deflecting that by his encouragement to start resolving my issues felt intimidated and threatened by me. Telling me the evil things my family who told was going to propose, also made it seem like I was an alcoholic, that I was drug addicted and still not knowing his intention, the history he had and the accountability he dodged, ended up after putting me in a situation of being homeless for a 18 hours in Houston but I had my girl Dal, the big sister she selflessly became, always was the one to get me out of trouble, that I still feel I never genuinely showed the appreciation that she wanted and totally earned.

Expecting something from someone is flat out entitlement, regardless of your justification. No ones problems or time is more important than yours. With every journey simple or catastrophic, someone’s pain is never bigger than yours . For me, when someone told me someone had it worst than me, I was compelled to take the selfishness I gained by that guilt which like many people I’ve crossed path with would just be callous sympathy that as long as the threat didn’t appear in my personal life I was fine. Prior to Sprint, my attempt to self preserve always ended up being retaliation. Regardless of the events that occurred, I always exaggerated the facts and with the lack of self control exaggerated the truth. When people use your history as a basis of your common behavior, showing bravery and only that will disprove your efforts and what was intended as good turns into ill intentions. But what happens when you get the courage to change? Stay tuned. As all my actions weren’t stemmed from self preservation. In P!nks song “Courage” it will always bring out a new kind of emotion, that even though I was wronged presents as a selfless emotion of grief. “I bury my heart hear in this dirt, I hope it’s a seed, I hope it works” for me is, through the adversity I’ve faced sailing into a unknown fate, I see so many people going to similar adversity. Where fear that I felt, is by everything we encompass through non verbal and verbal, visual and non visual that even though denied is easily identifiable by the actions done to you, everyone else, and myself. That regardless of what is done to me, redemption is always an option which dependent of those willing to work for it. Because the persona we mimic whether it be from a real life scenario or from art is something we all aspire to be, but truth is; it’s not genuine. Because it’s not your true self. Once comfortable with your own self, reveals the persona perceived by other that is much greater.

Where my personal persona which began as Lara Croft and now having no need for that beautiful disaster my scared self hid behind, to those wanting to gain the courage to become their true self has now in their eyes, Wonder Woman and although not needed is giving me way to much credit, will always be grateful for that compliment. Coming into my power, that I never knew I had surpassed every accomplishment I thought fulfilled my purpose. To them I am a hero, but because of a humbled heart will never have me resent someone who as long as they consistently show their willingness regardless of how many mistakes it takes for them to get it right, and without enabling the behaviors that turn them into someone else’s villain, will always have compassion and unconditional love for them. Because the selflessness I gained and courage I fought for reflects a persona that they see that has been portrayed by women with the same courageous spirit, in our reality will always be someone’s hero, without wanting to and without trying. Although continues to be struck by grief and by fear will always continue to be the person I came to be without falling into the trap. Because when what I learned may be done better. And with every mentor that has threw me off the nest so I can learn to fly, will always have them fly back relaying their triumphs and the things they did to succeed. Through consistency and mutual respect will give me the opportunity to improve my purpose as now, if not able to comprehend due to my inability to gain comprehension due to lacking that life experience, have gained an allí, with the characteristics gained that match mine, begin to start a ripple effect of hope just as those ancient philosophers did without expecting to, without wanting to. As their courage to change stemmed from a social flaw that if afraid of not fitting in, would never have gained the courage for their own change, would be the inspiration that their era wasn’t ready for, but was adapted in a era that truly needed it.

The Self Doubt of Self Preservation

So yes, I have been mia again. My bad. I’m okay. Nothing that hasn’t happened that I already have the experience to handle has occurred, but already identifying by taking accountability of the things I had control in the situation, how threats will only lead to remove myself from a situation where I am blamed for the consequences that was overseen by those who allowed the situation to occur, advising that scare tactics and shaming is only going to prove me making that first step as it’s a easy fix, the lack of gratitude for the sacrifices and willingness to step up to the plate to assure that everyone involved is secured, that transparency and the need to self preserve their worth has led to this choice, and reassured them that this is not a failure in the way raised. In the end, the pandemic has been the cause of many people around the world face adversities that they were prepared has caused many people to make sacrifices. Shit happens. But when the whole world is sacrificing along with you, you’re sob story means shit to me or many others who are facing the same fate. Since self preservation will make any honest person do un-honest things, I needed to prevent me from falling into a trap of pessimism and assure I am enabling my feeling that people are shitty people. That the things I’ve seen, the stories that have told to me about the ugliness in people, and the sabotage that has taken place during this situation to put ourselves first because we convinced ourselves that we are superior and capable of getting ourselves out of situations ourselves, because you are lying to yourself now. Because if you fucked over the people that helped you in a worldwide crisis, it’s more than likely you engaged in this evil act before. That your resume in behavioral patterns have now confirmed that the ones that helped you in their grief and their sacrifice, it was all for nothing. That the damage you have done now in your act of betrayal that you attained by someone who did the same thing to you, has shown now you will think that you are better than them. And in your act to self persevere an image you established yourself, the things you have gain has been the work of someone who felt sorry for you. And because you have done this to so many, has shown a pattern of your individual inconsistency in your professional life and now established a perception that you cannot be trusted and now truly face a situation that only by hard work and the willingness to admit your fault whether your ready. For those who haven’t reached this, will now be burdened with a reputation that everyone will be cautious to provide during the second phase of COVID19 pandemic, has the challenge of people not taking your word. You officially set yourself up for a tough situation because now showing the inconsistency and the entitlement and the act of self preservation will put you in higher risk as the only people you will be around are the ones with the same reckless behavioral pattern that in their desperate attempt to survive will fall into a situation where you may end up being the death statistic. And if a theory, that only will be revealed in time (which you will deny because of fear) will only find out as it develops all because of the lack of accountability and the unwillingness to put in the extra effort to establish a contingency plan that you control and is not dependent on how long the person your using tolerates.

The ugly truth is you have enabled yourself to be comfortable in a situation you really fear and the more you try to validate or justify the reasoning behind your unethical actions due to things of the things you caused and the doubts within yourself. Which is how we begin some things that I fell into based off the limited resources I now have to ration, the stigmas and perceptions used to demonize and discredit my efforts and the responses and reactions attempted on a failed attempt to self preserve themselves and how they now know that even in a desperate situation that presents itself uncertainty can only be determined by the work and the effort that you put in, and how being receptive to the advise of someone who shows a humbled confidence, that even in your act of self preservation cares enough about you to have empathy his the best resource you have after unwarranted attacks that in the end, continued to show you the compassion you still received after your irrational actions, since they immediately identify the triggers that you now realize they experienced with the only exception is to see you get passed a time that had them doubting their own self worth.

As this post is longer than I anticipated so I am not going to bore you with the story today. But in the past week, I have encountered many people and have impacted many of these positively. We all have defenses up based on to protect ourselves from getting hurt. The only problem the fear that comes with it, the inability to stand up for myself, and disregarding the emotional abuse they through at me has caused honest people to affect me which not only enabled my bad behavior which lead to many crutches to prevent myself from dealing with these issues. It was until in steps made me come to terms with what happened, stopped me from being taken advantage of, that once I started giving myself credit for the things that many have blamed me for, gave me the power to forgive them in a way that benefits both parties involved, to be able to prove to myself that regardless of what people said I wouldn’t accomplish has been accomplished, that once you value yourself humbly, that someone’s attempt to discredit you is their act of self preservation to convince themselves of their own worth, that in the end the shadows of the doubts you had can no longer be used against you, and that by doing this begin to respect yourself to a point that the materialistic things in life.