Blind in Rose Colored Glasses – The Absence in Empathy in a Blind Perception

I will be the first to admit that prior to writing “The Journey of an Unraveled Road” I was still had another pair of rose colored glasses on. I was woke but still not understanding the full meaning of this all. In the book, I also say “I’m still learning and open to getting the answers deemed emotionally worthy to get” which pre-journey I would of cried like an entitled child saying life is over like finding out that there’s no Santa Clause. People who truly get it say “Wait? There’s no Santa Clause?” and ends up in laughter telling me the story when they find out there was no Santa Clause. Some comedic and some tragic. But when we travel down the rabbit hole together, they share something far more intimate, the day they took off the rose colores glasses. Some I identified with in every detail. And in those I had no experience with, I just shut the fuck up and listened. That’s one thing I quote in the book. Sometimes you have to shut the fuck and listen.

Sometimes you have to shut the fuck up and listen.

Frieda Lopez – Journey of an Unraveled Road 2019

Spoiler alert. This blog will end up being part of the follow up book so you know, but far much more detail including the accounts of the stories of those that pre-journey I would of been a horrible cunt to. Devaluing their journey and compare theirs to mine, also quoting that the poor can be the biggest narcissist in the absence of the things life didn’t financially afford them. As the most injustice the people I come from can be capable of doing is perceiving that fortune and fame is the end all and solve problem in life. Where many who have experienced where Lady Luck acted prematurely and Karma is rushing her ass through the motions to make it as right as she can, leave those on top with the worst problems anyone can ever encounter, being absolute in their loneliness where having it all means not having it all, as finding genuine people who actually give a shit about you is as hard as finding sanitation supplies in our current era of COVID.

I first encountered the song “Anyone” by Demi Lovato before writing the book back in 2019. I don’t even remember how I ended up getting my hands on this song then. I want to say that it was a demo of this song that I ended up coincidentally hearing in my many pendejadas that was my self destructive ways dealing with the pains that I was desperately trying to come to terms with that I thought I resolved. When I first heard this song, I broke down and cried. As my lawsuit to try to fight for my lawsuit to get the self respect and the dignity I lost during the time that I was sexually assaulted, harassed, discriminated, and retaliation. Carrie Underwood said it best when the tears come down in “Cry Pretty”. The second time I heard it in the beginning of 2020 I said “damn Demi, you fucken get it”. Today hearing it yet again during my Uber driving after helping someone two rides ago that didn’t want to go through with reporting the sexual assault which I respected and gave them the information they needed and the encouragement that in their own time, they will do it. However giving her the message that try to gain the courage before the deadline to prevent the person from hurting someone else again. After driving my nurse passenger who confided in the pain she had and the fears she has that her family all works in the medical field, after my encouraging words and heading to find more rides, the song came on again on Apple Music Radio. In the middle of nowhere on the service road, I had to pull over as the tears came down yet again. Not because of pain I have. Child, I’ve resolved that most recently back ago. I cried because not only because of what happened in my previous rides, but because I could truly hear in Demi Lovato’s voice the pain that I neglected to hear in the mist of my own adversity. In that same moment, I texted to talked a Instagram post sent directly to Demi Lovato with the song saying the following. Why even quote it when you can actually read it:

Billie Ellish is another amazing talent that I admire. In my book I pay homage to all the artist both starving and thriving and thanking them for the vulnerability they exhibit through their form of expression (Billie Ellish, I see you. I discovered you pre journey but your fucken amazing by the way). To not be able to express yourself as communicative person but be able to express your pain in the form of painting, composing, music, architecture, and all the many ways artist express themselves is truly captivating. If you really notice any form of art work regardless if it’s visual or audio, you can decipher the raw emotion someone feels. Why do you think so many people get drawn to certain pieces, like certain music, express themselves in certain fashion styles, because this is the passive aggressive way we can communicate how we truly feel. Why do you also think so many artist are for the most part happy? But the truth is that when those amazing artist gain fame and fortune, those who admire them tend to forget that they not only put their pants one leg at a time, that they also feel pain in more ways we can ever imagine. Because like Billie Ellish when the parties over, no one who actually gives a shit about our wellbeing is ever around. Because in narcissistic tendency, don’t give a shit except for what benefits them directly.

The first thing that people feel when someone comes up is jealousy and rage. The first question that people ask themselves to determine their own self worth is “What makes her so special?” Coming from someone who is not even B rated yet will tell you exactly how it is. There is nothing special that separates me from you and I. Timing, determination, and consistency along with pain, struggle, heartbreak, tragedy, deception, rock bottom is the only thing that separates my come up as small as it may be to those who have the habit of degrading me already. The reward of getting my voice heard was not a cheap price to pay either. The lost of those who I valued the most was the most consequential price to pay as those who I valued that held a special place in my heart had to be left behind by their blind perception. Becoming toxic in their own envy and making me into a person that I truly wasn’t. Out of the pains that I still live with to this very day is the lost of the people I cherished the most that are still living. Little do they know is that they helped me get here, and even if they know it will never truly appreciate the gratitude I have for them if I let them back in. Selena Gomez expressed it best in the song “Lose You to Love Me” as in order for me to love myself I have to cut the ties with those who have selfish intentions as many people on the bottom that choose to stay on the bottom, will never be happy for you because they aren’t happy for themselves. This is why I stand true to my mantra “I am not in the business of being no ones hero. The only one that can save you, is yourself.”

“I am not in the business of being no ones hero. The only one that can save you, is yourself.”

Frieda Lopez – Journey of an Unraveled Road 2019

Those haters that still to this very day think they have some sort of affect on me (Narcissist much) talk shit in my writing style saying why are you talking to people like they are going to answer? You’ll never get an answer. The ugly truth to their misconception through their narcissistic perception is this is what in the communications that I personally get is what separates me from all other writers. In that moment that like Demi Lovato expresses in “Anyone” is the answers that those who feel like they aren’t being heard feel like they are finally being heard. When they read the thought process in my words turn to phrases they see the genuine understanding that I have been gifted to share, regardless if I don’t understand. Being empathetic or as others who give me too much credit reference me as an “empath” gifts me the ability to not only walk in someone’s shoes but genuinely feel their pain. Those who respect me get it. Those who are narcissist will tell me what they think I want to hear and when it’s time to face the mirror, deflect everything that I know they feel causing them to have an emotional outburst in their fear and their rage that someone is calling them out how they are. They also gain empathy when they show that they are done playing me like the violin they think I am and sincerely get the help they need. Another thing that people don’t realize is that I will always have empathy for people, I will never gain a complete attachment to people as I already know that in life people come and go. I am not being cruel or negative, but truth is human nature will always show otherwise. Human nature and the inability to respect someones boundaries is what keeps us as a whole separated. As with me letting people know what my boundaries are, where they stand, and when they cross them has repeatedly shown that in self motive, they will get away with as much they can to attain personal gratification. But the unfortunate thing about self gratification is that it’s the want we are trying to fulfill, never what we need. In this day in age we are always after what we want and never appreciative of what we need. And until then at that moment when you can appreciate the things that you need, happiness begins. And that is when the universe will begin giving you what you want, as consistency in being good person with no bias judgement is when you have earned it. Which today, is the day like One Republic expresses in their newest song “Wanted” in my favorite line in the entire song “She said, I’m counting up my Karma and I think it’s time to cash it in” with all the things that Ive done, I have to absolutely positively agree as well.

The Self Conflict of Good and Evil

The act of nurturing evokes of feeling of love, compassion, and importance to someone. We all want to be nurtured and we all at one point feel that we did not get this in our lives. This is a perception is biased as our version of nurture doesn’t match what is defined by society or by the people we surround yourself. The difference is that their are two versions of nurturing that we long for, through the need to validate and the need for justification comes from intentional and non intentional. Intentional, which comes from a selfish nature that afforded the resources to have nothing but time, intentionally neglects a child or individual in the act of self gratification. The unintentional, which comes from commonly my side of the tracks; is the limited time based on the cards they have been dealt, struggling to find the balance between providing necessities to upkeep the well-being of the household while struggling to keep up with the adversities of life, which in most cases requires two jobs and limited time to nurture kids. Don’t get me wrong, those in those situations still act selfishly but I truly feel it was unintended. As we constantly hear how worthless we are, why are you so stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, which comes from the own unresolved issues that with their regret and their struggle with their worth, is intended as tough love to prevent you from falling into the same trap. There is also the dark side of nurturing. This becomes a vendetta or a insecurity stemmed from a misperception stemmed from the childhood that they never had and will whatever they can to provide the life that they didn’t have perceived as better than theirs, still holding insecurities, enabling their kids and conditioning their children to use bad behavior as a manipulative tool to gain the life that they now feel you didn’t provide. Where because it was never enough for you with the insecurities that convinces one by the lies they tell their kids, you fall into a trap that you begin to vicariously live through your own child. It doesn’t mean your a bad parent, not at all. In fact I want to congratulate you for sticking it out. There is no right or wrong in the journey as long as you are sure of yourself. I don’t devalue anything you did as being a parent is tough as juggling your life and the lives you’re responsible for are tough. I say this as before taking the journey I felt like I could of had a better life with no understanding or empathy of the sacrifices my parents did. That being a parent is the cruelest of all titles to have, because your not only trying to follow the social norm in parenting, you face the judgement of so many people throughout the society, that due to their own struggle with self worth, they degrade the things that you can’t provide to your kids. As the social norm of parenting, is another rat race of misconception of lies, what you perceive, and in the bad cases demonizing a parent who did wrong by the actions a child’s misconceptions of the nurturing they are not receiving from you. Since behavior is always solely based on the upbringing of the child, makes you guilty by association, causing you to self preserve all in the sake of pointing out the real problem. Where courage, expressed in the best case scenario, turns dark when you and your child are outcast by society norms.

In my book I talk about balance. Getting to know both sides for me help me rationalize what the good versions and bad versions fit in. You can read the book about the effects that occurred when parents who devalued my upbringing, the trauma I faced, and my physical appearance that didn’t fit social norms and the effects it caused; when grown adults intentionally and purposely degraded me enabling my daily life in school. With that said, everyone tried to convince me as a teenager why my paternal family was such bad parents and why my entire life would be ruined if I continued to be raised by them. Of course due to self preservation, they attempted to make be the problem. But graciously, I had professional help that made me see at an early age due to being a low income family that what I perceived is not true. As the cards that my family was dealt, required my families limited time as almost everyone worked and in some cases two jobs, the life they provided. Yes they all had self sabotaging behavior, but truth is they knew with the trauma I faced, I had to grow up face and learn. As in my case, my trauma emotionally matured me as I gain self sufficiency on my own. I gained courage earlier writing about sensitive topics like abuse, molestation, and the emotional affects that suicide and how people’s lack of compassion plays a role in that. I was already a rebel early on and posed as a danger. What took the cake was when I talked about treating people differently is discrimination and that if we want to be unique, as everyone wanted to be in high school we had to love our parents, respect them, but be the person we are made to be. English teachers and debate teachers loved it, while parents demonized me as a threat. Now seeing the reason, a fucken teenager was calling them out for what they are and not what they perceived, which led to my parents transferring me schools three different times. One similar perception every teenage and parent had, establishing their own worth based on the things they did, what they wore, the car they had, and the achievements they established in high school. Thanks to a supportive network and the establishment of my maturity, I was back at my old high school which was the Nova Net program and completed my curriculum six months before I walked the stage, where the ones who saw my potential said I would do great things when I shake their hands as many nurtured the talent that I had and the ones who I posed a threat said whispered, your gonna amount to nothing. Again with the doubt that I would become nothing because someone who knew better ended up using their dark side to self preserve.

Self preservation has revealed the dark side of people that they all swear they don’t have most of the time. When insecurity and other factors I mentioned come into play, everyone who has has an upper hand or something you never could attain is out to get you. Well thanks to the dark psychology and the behavioral patterns we get conditioned for survival is absolutely the honest truth in most cases. Which made me touch back to basics to get a better understanding. I grew up catholic but I was drawn to Wicca. Not knowing why at the time but Wicca embraced nature and that like everything in nature good and evil or dark and light existed in everything the universe encompasses. Biology reinforced this with cell functions where protons and neutrons were the positive and negative electrical forces if I recall correctly. In my professional life, positive and negative behaviors determine the outcome of certain outcomes, and thanks to my metaphysical psychologist who Catholic by nature took the positive messages in religion as he also shared the love for one of humanities I shared Theology, has both the light and the dark in the messages it gives. If you don’t believe me, read the entire Bible. It doesn’t matter which one. There are some evil actions that it justifies the need for, that in our society would be deemed unethical, immoral, and potential a wrap sheet or potentially the death sentence.

In my journey one of the favorite foes I like to encounter are the self righteous. Although they appear consistent they are always betting on the insecurities you possess to be the way they manipulate you into believing what they believe in the sake of personal gain. Because the stereotype I perceive to them as being insecure, they always attempt to use first my insecurities as a scare tactic, then the traumas and my failures as way to shame, then God to scare me into obeying them as God is giving them an ultimatum that if I don’t obey I will be punished. What then happens is this. I tell ask them if their sure as God is telling me something else, then when they try to devalue me as God doesn’t talk to you cause your no one he would speak with, reply well are you sure your talking to God as my near death experiences have shown me a different description that you describe, follows justification of why things are different for me then them, which then has me asking why is he different if he’s suppose to be Universal, then by using another figure and questioning that characters moral standard, results to insults which then becomes the insecurities they really are concealing, then degrading me to the lowest form, where I call out the trauma that it stems, and finally when self preservation is used in the negative way, the real reason why they are truly not what they say they are pointing out not only the trauma they hold, but the sins they continue to commit today and the unforgivable sins of the past. And in their pride convince themselves of their worth, pointing out that if God truly spoke to them, why isn’t he correcting your sin of pride. This has shown wrath as I have had one get physical in their lack of self control, causing myself to physically defend myself and play a victim accusing me of causing the confrontation but always disproving the lie thanks to pedestrians, cameras, and the things they have done to others along the way. But it breaks my heart at the same time, because blinded by their pride, they never seem to find peace and just result to criminal behavior as many have now been convicted of hurting others.

Background and the past has so much to do with the way people feel. The truth is as everything in life always exist one common element, positive and negative. A rider told me something that I said YAAAASSSS to about the pandemic, that we lie to ourselves and when he admitted I like the other lies I tell myself I asked when I dropped him, permission to shake his hand. He asked he felt he was skeptical to say that because everyone he encountered always deflected what I told him in my book was self preservation. Telling him the content of the book, the trauma I experienced, taking accountability of the things I had control of and coming to terms with the things I couldn’t control which truly become the element of people. Thus turned to beginning the process to forgive myself of the things I did to others that I had control of, and started the closure to the negative events and being gracious of the positive it made me see just how beautiful life truly is. As simple as it sounds, it’s never that easy. Starting with my journey was just the basis, but sharing the journey of those willing to try, deceptive in the desire to try, the disappointments they endured during the journey, the milestones they reached in the story, and the positive places the journey took them. My hope which is the best case scenario, to see them reach which I am sure exist an improved version of the journey that with no doubt in my mind has gotten me to a happiness and love that I never thought I would ever find. And with all the hope in my heart learn something that I may have not attained as of yet. In the pursuit of hope, love, and happiness real talk, aside the ridicule of being psycho babble, cult talk, or whatever those who not ready to face themselves, is limitless universal, and at the end of the day uniquely you. Because you don’t have to change yourself or your beliefs when you take this journey. The only thing you need is an open mind, an open heart, and the courage to change.

The Ignorance of Perception

So have you ever encountered a people who emphasize on the material assets they have or had accrued while others emphasize the accomplishments through adversity? Have you ever taken the time to sit down with then to ask why they are happy? And if so, did you tell yourself that they are lying to themselves or assume they were taking something to make them feel that way? Well the ugly truth is perception is a personal biased standard you have made which going through my journey revealed that these were not my immediate standards but the standards everyone measured me by that never would be met as each peer had that would cause unnecessary self conflict that once coming into the self realization of happiness. It made people intimidated. It forced people to attack people. It made people engage in self sabotage. And in the end made people face the person they have became, were becoming, or sadly the person they swore they would never be.

In my book, I talk about a moment I faced a breaking point in my life that would determine what would make a “normal” person give up on life, that due to a chronic disease and my the effects caused by being over worked, being tormented by a manager that desperately tried ways of processing me out, along with a workers Compensation injury that occurred due to the 18 hour 7 day a week day I pulled to secure my job after someone’s else’s deception who if she wasn’t intimidated would make it believe I was committing sales fraud which resulted to an investigation that proved no fraud was committed but coincidentally appeared under her watch which got good people fired because of the way she would attain these sales. The same thing she attempted to have my reps do when I started at Sprint as Store Manager when I first moved to Houston. Setting the boundary that no small business transaction could not be conducted without my approval of the documents and lines activated to avoid churn rates at my store, which I experienced at T-Mobile as the offense would be way different as rumors of more layoffs arose, would get a person fired for activating lines even paperwork was legal. Having my own process in place to avoid being wrongly accused. Because in sales, the only way you get promoted is by the volume of sales you make. And since in the end it was her direction to attain sales and numbers in an unethical way, which during a lunch meeting tried to sway me into doing this as this is the only way we can get goal, requested another store that would comply. The result of not taking accountability of her actions, convincing herself by telling others that the person who cannot stop her anymore, will continue to tell herself this lie; now creating a toxic work environment if she makes it to regional management. But the worst of all is through her manipulation and her motive, made many others to play a part in making it impossible for me to make goal and have other people turn heads to not get involved so they don’t become the target. In the normal simulation, people disappeared and life moved on. Unfortunately for them after given the day I was going to die due to a condition that went terminal, this bitch made the decision if I’m gonna die I’m gonna fuck shit up. Already starting a journey where I unknowingly began the process of resolving unresolved issues because I was done with doubting myself, began the journey of a road that was beginning to unravel. What was use to be intimidating turned into powerful without having any intention to do so. Which made me stop confirming into someone else’s perception of happy into my version. And with the adversity I faced and the months I was told I had, make it a point to shine light to those who lost their way and fight for anyone who couldn’t fight for themselves

The Self Doubt of Self Preservation

So yes, I have been mia again. My bad. I’m okay. Nothing that hasn’t happened that I already have the experience to handle has occurred, but already identifying by taking accountability of the things I had control in the situation, how threats will only lead to remove myself from a situation where I am blamed for the consequences that was overseen by those who allowed the situation to occur, advising that scare tactics and shaming is only going to prove me making that first step as it’s a easy fix, the lack of gratitude for the sacrifices and willingness to step up to the plate to assure that everyone involved is secured, that transparency and the need to self preserve their worth has led to this choice, and reassured them that this is not a failure in the way raised. In the end, the pandemic has been the cause of many people around the world face adversities that they were prepared has caused many people to make sacrifices. Shit happens. But when the whole world is sacrificing along with you, you’re sob story means shit to me or many others who are facing the same fate. Since self preservation will make any honest person do un-honest things, I needed to prevent me from falling into a trap of pessimism and assure I am enabling my feeling that people are shitty people. That the things I’ve seen, the stories that have told to me about the ugliness in people, and the sabotage that has taken place during this situation to put ourselves first because we convinced ourselves that we are superior and capable of getting ourselves out of situations ourselves, because you are lying to yourself now. Because if you fucked over the people that helped you in a worldwide crisis, it’s more than likely you engaged in this evil act before. That your resume in behavioral patterns have now confirmed that the ones that helped you in their grief and their sacrifice, it was all for nothing. That the damage you have done now in your act of betrayal that you attained by someone who did the same thing to you, has shown now you will think that you are better than them. And in your act to self persevere an image you established yourself, the things you have gain has been the work of someone who felt sorry for you. And because you have done this to so many, has shown a pattern of your individual inconsistency in your professional life and now established a perception that you cannot be trusted and now truly face a situation that only by hard work and the willingness to admit your fault whether your ready. For those who haven’t reached this, will now be burdened with a reputation that everyone will be cautious to provide during the second phase of COVID19 pandemic, has the challenge of people not taking your word. You officially set yourself up for a tough situation because now showing the inconsistency and the entitlement and the act of self preservation will put you in higher risk as the only people you will be around are the ones with the same reckless behavioral pattern that in their desperate attempt to survive will fall into a situation where you may end up being the death statistic. And if a theory, that only will be revealed in time (which you will deny because of fear) will only find out as it develops all because of the lack of accountability and the unwillingness to put in the extra effort to establish a contingency plan that you control and is not dependent on how long the person your using tolerates.

The ugly truth is you have enabled yourself to be comfortable in a situation you really fear and the more you try to validate or justify the reasoning behind your unethical actions due to things of the things you caused and the doubts within yourself. Which is how we begin some things that I fell into based off the limited resources I now have to ration, the stigmas and perceptions used to demonize and discredit my efforts and the responses and reactions attempted on a failed attempt to self preserve themselves and how they now know that even in a desperate situation that presents itself uncertainty can only be determined by the work and the effort that you put in, and how being receptive to the advise of someone who shows a humbled confidence, that even in your act of self preservation cares enough about you to have empathy his the best resource you have after unwarranted attacks that in the end, continued to show you the compassion you still received after your irrational actions, since they immediately identify the triggers that you now realize they experienced with the only exception is to see you get passed a time that had them doubting their own self worth.

As this post is longer than I anticipated so I am not going to bore you with the story today. But in the past week, I have encountered many people and have impacted many of these positively. We all have defenses up based on to protect ourselves from getting hurt. The only problem the fear that comes with it, the inability to stand up for myself, and disregarding the emotional abuse they through at me has caused honest people to affect me which not only enabled my bad behavior which lead to many crutches to prevent myself from dealing with these issues. It was until in steps made me come to terms with what happened, stopped me from being taken advantage of, that once I started giving myself credit for the things that many have blamed me for, gave me the power to forgive them in a way that benefits both parties involved, to be able to prove to myself that regardless of what people said I wouldn’t accomplish has been accomplished, that once you value yourself humbly, that someone’s attempt to discredit you is their act of self preservation to convince themselves of their own worth, that in the end the shadows of the doubts you had can no longer be used against you, and that by doing this begin to respect yourself to a point that the materialistic things in life.