Silence of Our True Self – Conditioning in Bad Behavior

I always have said this and I will continue to say it but in this amazing and ever self discovering journey there is still a lot that I am learning, some about myself and so much more about the condition that we call human nature and the ripple we all cast into the universe. I owe a lot to the psychology adventure that I am embracing early as the woman that I am in keeping my word, will be going back to the classroom to in the fall of 2020. One of the many things that is constant in the human behavior is the social biology or the evolutionary psychology that we all play a role in all in the sake of our own self preservation and own survival. Many of us have conditioned our mind to focus on one thing and one thing only, ourselves. When I began this journey,

I began with the mindset that personal motive especially in self gratification was the only factor that in a common theory in study of psychology is a combination of both influence, personal choice, and material motive. One of the most important thing that I have been presented with is that the truth about the social norms we live with in America’s patriotic rose colored glasses on now getting distorted each and every moment in an individuals time of injustice, we all subconsciously live in a fight or flight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In the act of deflection in the lies we tell ourselves at the end of day the Achilles heel to the positive change we whether we want to admit it or not, is what we all engage in and still engage in our own presence of fight or flight; is in the end the reason why change and equality doesn’t occur.

Many will say it’s an act of inability or effort, some will debate its because humans don’t deserve mercy, and some will say in the sake of conspiracy theories that we are already brain washed to be sociopaths so we can destroy ourselves within our own social groups so those seeking absolute power can gain it without effort using the seven deadly sins as the weapons we arm ourselves with for survival made to be success and happiness. Regardless of these things, my mentality, my persona which I am most certain as each day passes regardless of the ridicule, the doubt, and the abuse that comes within my own social group, has remained and intact as the innocence that theoretically should have been lost in my early stages of trauma during my childhood, still remains less naive and now more aware and rational, that our nature which is good and pure has been set of the track in our constant fight or flight mentality. Which in many situations, the things that we willfully choose in the presence of entitlement in our selfish intent to give us that additional chance to redeem ourselves from those we demonize which is a combination of biased opinion conditioned by social norms, our social groups, and our personal life experience in hindsight turns honest people dishonest, making it more and more difficult to break away from the good we attempt to surface through faith, religion, and philanthropy just keeping us chained into the gray area that we can’t break away from, not because we can’t but because truth be told, no one has been able to successfully set a standard of how it truly looks like.

When I first started the journey I talk about in the “Journey of an Unraveled Road” there were a lot of perceptions when I started I realized were biased views of how the world appeared in other words how things are in the world. I started realizing that in the end we all want to fit in and the only way that we can achieve that is by success and happiness that the “social norms” deem appropriate. I believed that people needed to just get empowered and stop focusing on the things that don’t even matter in the end in order to gain true happiness for themselves and for others. Like always, you are not revealed things until you are finally emotionally ready to prepare for them. What I am about to say doesn’t change the hope and unconditional love I have for the human condition and although like I always say, I am not in the business of rescuing people, I will never meddle with free will as the act in egoism is ultimately the only thing that enables the need to feel unsatisfied. In a world where we want positive change and fairness, we will never get that as social norms which fueled by the Seven Deadly Sins is ultimately a world where in order for people to survive one must conserve their own worth and material values they have accrued to gain more and look down upon those who do not meet our caliber. The ugly truth is social norms are all narcissistic character.

Those who disagree with all the things I have mentioned or written and has demonized me, insulted me, or made me has engaged in egoism or what is referred to as “inflated ego” or grandiose which is a self belief in one’s evaluation of inferiority that makes them feel that “no one is greater” than them. Truth is even if you have people that you see as an “equal” you still look down to those who doesn’t meet your caliber or standard. Grandiose also correlates to a psychiatric diagnosis referred to as narcissism. Like all negative, I still will always see the positive or the light of the tunnel. Truth of the matter is, I still believe that this is unintended in many cases, but at the same time there are cases that although is in way to deep, but still have ways to disable a bad behavior that I also believe due to self preservation, is why these behavioral patterns began in the first place. At the end of the day, I feel that truth of the matter is, this behavior started to protect ourselves from the dangers of people and to shield us from the bad intentions or harm they might bring to us if we don’t find ways to prevent these individuals. Of course these characters come in all walks of life, but the most dangerous one’s are the ones we surround ourselves vulnerable, in our comfort zones, and unguarded as these individuals have already found ways to manipulate us, have poisoned us, has already hindered us. The worst part of all this, is that they live with us, they work with us, they sleep with us, and in the majority of the cases came from us.

One of things that many abusers will say “you shouldn’t let people affect you” is an enabling mechanism to allow you to accept this type of abuse. Which ultimately is psychological manipulation which is an acceptable common behavior in our social norm. The ugly truth is, this is why people become violent I believe. We tend to let people insult us, abuse us, and even intimidate us and the truth of the matter is that we let go. In a catastrophic scenario, where the effect of this particular cause affects the lives of innocent bystanders via school shootings, protests, and many other things that cost many lives. I also feel that after adolescence and going into adulthood, is why people who know better do horrible things, some in a selfish manner where children and spouses get murdered by at one point were model citizens and selfless such as terroristic attacks, where not knowing the backstory and not even caring as to where these motives stem from, leave those in pain and agony from more than likely a extremely traumatic past, where for the sake of fitting in and being accepted was the main motive, was manipulated along the way to do horrible things to innocent people that continue to do these things in their everyday life in a more passive aggressive way. Boundaries are the key to protecting yourself from this and being equal with everyone who violates those boundaries. You initially will do someone the favor as many severe cases leads to a person with an inflated ego and inflated self esteem that at that point is capable of causing harm to others in their moment of rejection. In hindsight, this is why I believe that positive change never happens. We don’t hold true to the boundaries, we aren’t sure of what is abuse and what isn’t, and even though our intuition tells us that something feels wrong, we talk ourselves out it. Many in their grandiose will immediately say “she isn’t perfect” and I will be the first to tell you, I am far from perfect. I am not aiming for perfection. I am aiming to continue to become the best me and choosing to be the outcast, as this is not the norm I want for myself. I don’t want to live my life in fear nor do I want to live my life second guessing myself. I’ve done it, I am doing, and I will continue to do it. One of the things I say in the book is that “regardless of the outcome and the treatment of others, when those in their own time are ready to take the courageous journey, I’ll be there” and I hold true to my word. I am nobody to those who will shun me, but I am a somebody to the those I have helped along the way. Because truth is, those who I am a nobody to, is a nobody to me. Truth is I am not going to manipulate you like many religous leaders do in the sake of “being saved” do as I am not going to control your free will. Ultimate power is not something I seek or want. I will not be held accountable for something traumatic that happens to you that is not your choice. Because in the end, when (and I truly hope you never do coming from the poster child of trauma) when your left alone because someone stole the self worth, in the end whether it be as a life coach or as a psychologist, or even through my books, I will be there to pick up the pieces so you never can stay silent again. Truth is, to stop silencing ourselves and protecting us from dangers, we have to identify the threats that are around us. The journey of being humble is admitting to yourself the things that have already happened and the the things you caused yourself.

Despite of all this doom and gloom, I know there is hope. Silencing ourselves from the mistreatment we accept is something that I feel is the key indicator of moving toward positive change. When you start standing up for yourself on the boundaries you establish that involve you earning from someone and vice versa empowers you in a way I can’t even explain. When you stand up for a mistreatment you would never cause someone intentionally (because you can’t help the way people feel) you feel almost superhuman. One of the things we omit in our everyday life is the common sense of respect. I’ve observed many people and due to my late post, I have been traveling around Texas and a few outside states to determine this truth. I have also dressed in various ways to see the type of reactions I would get. You would be surprised the reaction received by each perceived persona. In an attempt to be “right by God” many of them do a half ass attempt to do the right thing. There are only a very few good one’s out there who will invest time and actually do what they can to help someone, and that’s a win right there. When I asked them what compelled them to take the time, many of them all had a personal reason that affected them at one point in time, which I praised them for as many people who endure trauma become more narcissistic in the sake of protecting themselves. Many of those who admitted they did the bare minimum bought a copy of my book which I was gracious and happy to sign, writing a personal message for each that had the tone of “human nature is made to be imperfect, it’s what we do to become better people than we were” while those who were ugly verbally abuse me in their grandiose saying “you are a nobody” or “I will make sure you never get anywhere” and my response was a “oh your hurting my feelings with your inadequate and unimportant influence and existence” which in a few cases had them in handcuffs and majority of them being “religious”. But my question is if I am not that relevant then why do you have to react or result to violence? Truth is we all get judged and the perception we relay is how people view us. But because of that perception, we go to the extremes to self preserve the identity we made for ourselves. Which due to this my biggest wish and hope is that hopefully one day, we can live in a society that being you 100% you, in your beautiful imperfections not for the sake of us in the present, but for the future generations, which at the rate we are going I feel will be even more horrible a world to live in than today.

Grimm Realism of our Distorted Optimism

I can’t tell you where I got my mantra of expect the worst hope and hope for the best. I freely shared this openly with many people on my journey and always was classified as being negative, regardless of the positive and bubbly attitude I expressed consistently. When someone made sense of it, someone always came along and with one opinion that was stemmed from insecurity, was proof enough to price that this truly was my character. Looking back at the process I realize that subconsciously truth be told, I been ready to heal from a traumatic childhood as I didn’t want to feel unsure of myself. I justified everything I did and always had to one up on someone. I expected things that I wasn’t willing to feel, I treated people different, disregarded the people that didn’t fit my convenience. At the end I never wanted to take accountability for the wrong I did that stemmed from an optimistic and distorted view that as long as I follow God, I still was a good person, and as long as I did things things, I could keep a clear conscious to not noticing my behavioral pattern, if faced with final judgement that since I dedicated myself to the church, seeing that everyone is desperate for redemption but still enabled my bad behavior by proving, justifying, and finding every reason why it’s justified I would enter the gates of heaven in the afterlife and live my best life. Which followed by people similar to me who reached the level of success that I thought would be the ultimate game changer. Not realizing that with every attempt in the next chapter, I was becoming more defensive, still wanting more to have an upper hand to the person that I subconsciously was intimidated myself, convincing myself why it’s justified, why they were wrong, and when consequences were about to hit convince myself that the real victim was demonized and to preserve the work that ended up in the Bible; an eternity of hell. I became what what I perceived myself as Red from the fairly tale version. I was the Grim version of that story. I was Red in Wolf skin doing harm to others with no redemption. And in the end, still missing something in my life as I got the what I wanted and even surpassed my expectations, but gluttony in more was the only thing that never happened. Gaining my self worth.

One thing that I’ve noticed is people always have something to prove. When faults or people who have struggled with getting out of those situations, gravitate and stay in that social class. Looking at the bigger picture, we always use the bird of a feather for the sake of self preservation and when that person starts not fitting the requirements, get kicked off the island and get banished until they can meet those shallow and petty requirements. If your justifying it, getting offended, or trying to justify why there’s something wrong with me, or are in denial, you’re afraid. Not of me specifically. I’m not one to be scared or intimidated by. I have no authority to judge anyone. I leave that 100% of powers to be. I truly empathize humbly. As a matter of fact I’ve been there as well as many of the people that I’ve met on my journey from all walks of life from homeless to the filthy rich as I never understood why people would be comfortable with me. But the truth is, it’s because I wad naive in the notion that I always felt that showing consistency would eventually make whether guard that was up, come down. But truth is, through fear of judgement from someone else along with an subconscious fear of having to face your own motives, those who weren’t ready would be forced to faced the self they been denying their whole life’s. In the catastrophic scenario which breaks my heart every time someone thinks they are better than me at whatever is going on in their head regardless of consistently showing them I’m not what they perceive, am forced after not respecting me by respecting my boundaries and after some attempts in intentional inflicted emotional pain, start little by little revealing what they resented this whole time. The dark side they possess.

Consistency showed through my light side while inconsistencies were revealed through my dark side. I’m not a psychologist so I can’t tell you exactly why that occurs. What I do know, which was an attempt to wrong the rights of the world, starting with saving people then started with the mantra of how are you gonna love anyone of your going to love yourself. This was the process of filling voids that my current chapter couldn’t fulfill. Maybe my salving grace was what I reference in the book as concrete angels. The rejects of the world who society deemed unworthy as they did not hold the material values or the scholastic credentials to get of society as back then passive aggressive tendencies were more made for those who couldn’t face face reality. With the cruelness of what was the people who have more value were openly vocal, causing those who tried give up on themselves. Truth is those same people that did that then, ended up doing that to me as a adolescent, having those kids from my concrete angels past, encourage their kids bullying by being a spectator, by being an enabler which the journey revealed in every situation that abuse is a conditioned behavior that ranges from mild to severe attempts which continues to follow the next generation. Continuing a ripple effect that instead of encourages individuality, fits the standards of the status, which admitting I don’t know everything, illuminating that the truth get conditioned to follow the status quo. Which the journey also reveals more than just playing it safe. It brings to light the regrets of a life why missed or never afforded.

After high school, change did occur and like always with good intention. I ended up finding out in my first year of college that participation awards were being given, which I still don’t get as for me, losing only made me learn. It made me work harder. It made me find alternative ways and made me better prepared if it occurred again. Little by little it seemed like immediately after 911 we became fearful of threats, now stereotyping not only one ethnicity but everyone who was showed characteristics of the category of people we didn’t approve. To the point that if they were weak enough, would humiliate intentionally to bend them into conforming to the standards we thought seemed fit. Which ended up having society take prayer away in school but now try to initiate another ban. Seeing it now the whole fucken nation began retaliating. School shootings were a norm and teenage suicide was starting to be an epidemic, and it was always that child who was demonized and it was that parent that was bad. And the really fucked up thing about it is, seeing that in these situation the absence of empathy and no one even reporting or writing about the regrets of what other parents or adults who knew better could of done to stop it and instead trying to find more validity to prove why the incident occurs only tells me one thing, accountability and the conditioned effect of you can’t control how people make you feel is another lie we tell ourselves in our deceptive acts of faking it to make it for the sake of the false identity we think we are portraying. Thus enabling the art of sociopaths and narcissist behavioral with intent to get ahead in live.

The quick come back after I reveal this truth is people will immediately think I’m on something, I’m an alcoholic, I’m a drug addict, or crazy, shows that when to je different and you are on another level of logic and because it goes against what they convey is the desperate attempt to shame you to conformity. I’ve called out relatives who assumed based on my ex fiancés sociopathic personality and the need to control and resolve everything and have an emotional abuse outburst to doubt myself said I was on drugs. If you care about someone, why let them follow that path. If you ask yourself cause l didn’t want to get involved and I didn’t want to make them do something they weren’t doing, why not change the approach instead of engaging in the way that has other people not even want to tell you why they don’t come to you. It’s in good intention but your being judgey. You’re without even knowing your making yourself seem your better than them, basically saying you don’t have time for them or for their own well being. That you could do it, they can too. Which is why many people make these identities, portray things that they really don’t mean, because of the things they are scared of and don’t admit. This world, now showing in media is that if you want to get what you want, you have to be a shitty and evil person. Where one moment of fame or fortune will make up for all the things that should of happen, because of what someone else did. But it’s never the truth. Perception is opinion. Where like many others who attempt to make up for lost time do and find redemption without any intent of attempting is this, you’re insecurities and fears have turned into selfishness in the pursuit of happiness that you think is what you want.

Those who fell victim to the real demons of the world now from trauma turned into insecurities and intentional acts of sin to hurt other in the sake of constantly attempting to gain happiness that you never fulfilled and struggle to find the void of what is now the life you lie to yourself daily is what you chose to those who already know the truth and really don’t genuinely care as they too are after the things that will do you one better all in this never ending competition in the game we call life, when do you admit to yourself the real truth? Because getting aquatinted with your dark side as my journey as proven, that having balance is the key determinate, as that void in the catastrophic moment of resentment, will make you after feeling like you got nothing to lose and those you love finally betray you, will begin a snowball effect of bad behaviors, that lead to self conflict, leading to self sabotage, leading to destructive behaviors, and finally a fate no matter how good you get take you to places where even though you lie to yourself your emotionally prepared for as you now set yourself up to not only face people who not only want to stop you from going deeper, but others who have a darker side than you do that even the smallest sigh of disrespect can cost you your life and the life of your love one. Which I’ve unfortunately met. And since I’ll never interfere with the powers that be, cannot intervene. As the behavioral pattern that you’ve shown has shown that the bed you made. Because karma is finally collecting what is due.