Silence of Our True Self – Conditioning in Bad Behavior

I always have said this and I will continue to say it but in this amazing and ever self discovering journey there is still a lot that I am learning, some about myself and so much more about the condition that we call human nature and the ripple we all cast into the universe. I owe a lot to the psychology adventure that I am embracing early as the woman that I am in keeping my word, will be going back to the classroom to in the fall of 2020. One of the many things that is constant in the human behavior is the social biology or the evolutionary psychology that we all play a role in all in the sake of our own self preservation and own survival. Many of us have conditioned our mind to focus on one thing and one thing only, ourselves. When I began this journey,

I began with the mindset that personal motive especially in self gratification was the only factor that in a common theory in study of psychology is a combination of both influence, personal choice, and material motive. One of the most important thing that I have been presented with is that the truth about the social norms we live with in America’s patriotic rose colored glasses on now getting distorted each and every moment in an individuals time of injustice, we all subconsciously live in a fight or flight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In the act of deflection in the lies we tell ourselves at the end of day the Achilles heel to the positive change we whether we want to admit it or not, is what we all engage in and still engage in our own presence of fight or flight; is in the end the reason why change and equality doesn’t occur.

Many will say it’s an act of inability or effort, some will debate its because humans don’t deserve mercy, and some will say in the sake of conspiracy theories that we are already brain washed to be sociopaths so we can destroy ourselves within our own social groups so those seeking absolute power can gain it without effort using the seven deadly sins as the weapons we arm ourselves with for survival made to be success and happiness. Regardless of these things, my mentality, my persona which I am most certain as each day passes regardless of the ridicule, the doubt, and the abuse that comes within my own social group, has remained and intact as the innocence that theoretically should have been lost in my early stages of trauma during my childhood, still remains less naive and now more aware and rational, that our nature which is good and pure has been set of the track in our constant fight or flight mentality. Which in many situations, the things that we willfully choose in the presence of entitlement in our selfish intent to give us that additional chance to redeem ourselves from those we demonize which is a combination of biased opinion conditioned by social norms, our social groups, and our personal life experience in hindsight turns honest people dishonest, making it more and more difficult to break away from the good we attempt to surface through faith, religion, and philanthropy just keeping us chained into the gray area that we can’t break away from, not because we can’t but because truth be told, no one has been able to successfully set a standard of how it truly looks like.

When I first started the journey I talk about in the “Journey of an Unraveled Road” there were a lot of perceptions when I started I realized were biased views of how the world appeared in other words how things are in the world. I started realizing that in the end we all want to fit in and the only way that we can achieve that is by success and happiness that the “social norms” deem appropriate. I believed that people needed to just get empowered and stop focusing on the things that don’t even matter in the end in order to gain true happiness for themselves and for others. Like always, you are not revealed things until you are finally emotionally ready to prepare for them. What I am about to say doesn’t change the hope and unconditional love I have for the human condition and although like I always say, I am not in the business of rescuing people, I will never meddle with free will as the act in egoism is ultimately the only thing that enables the need to feel unsatisfied. In a world where we want positive change and fairness, we will never get that as social norms which fueled by the Seven Deadly Sins is ultimately a world where in order for people to survive one must conserve their own worth and material values they have accrued to gain more and look down upon those who do not meet our caliber. The ugly truth is social norms are all narcissistic character.

Those who disagree with all the things I have mentioned or written and has demonized me, insulted me, or made me has engaged in egoism or what is referred to as “inflated ego” or grandiose which is a self belief in one’s evaluation of inferiority that makes them feel that “no one is greater” than them. Truth is even if you have people that you see as an “equal” you still look down to those who doesn’t meet your caliber or standard. Grandiose also correlates to a psychiatric diagnosis referred to as narcissism. Like all negative, I still will always see the positive or the light of the tunnel. Truth of the matter is, I still believe that this is unintended in many cases, but at the same time there are cases that although is in way to deep, but still have ways to disable a bad behavior that I also believe due to self preservation, is why these behavioral patterns began in the first place. At the end of the day, I feel that truth of the matter is, this behavior started to protect ourselves from the dangers of people and to shield us from the bad intentions or harm they might bring to us if we don’t find ways to prevent these individuals. Of course these characters come in all walks of life, but the most dangerous one’s are the ones we surround ourselves vulnerable, in our comfort zones, and unguarded as these individuals have already found ways to manipulate us, have poisoned us, has already hindered us. The worst part of all this, is that they live with us, they work with us, they sleep with us, and in the majority of the cases came from us.

One of things that many abusers will say “you shouldn’t let people affect you” is an enabling mechanism to allow you to accept this type of abuse. Which ultimately is psychological manipulation which is an acceptable common behavior in our social norm. The ugly truth is, this is why people become violent I believe. We tend to let people insult us, abuse us, and even intimidate us and the truth of the matter is that we let go. In a catastrophic scenario, where the effect of this particular cause affects the lives of innocent bystanders via school shootings, protests, and many other things that cost many lives. I also feel that after adolescence and going into adulthood, is why people who know better do horrible things, some in a selfish manner where children and spouses get murdered by at one point were model citizens and selfless such as terroristic attacks, where not knowing the backstory and not even caring as to where these motives stem from, leave those in pain and agony from more than likely a extremely traumatic past, where for the sake of fitting in and being accepted was the main motive, was manipulated along the way to do horrible things to innocent people that continue to do these things in their everyday life in a more passive aggressive way. Boundaries are the key to protecting yourself from this and being equal with everyone who violates those boundaries. You initially will do someone the favor as many severe cases leads to a person with an inflated ego and inflated self esteem that at that point is capable of causing harm to others in their moment of rejection. In hindsight, this is why I believe that positive change never happens. We don’t hold true to the boundaries, we aren’t sure of what is abuse and what isn’t, and even though our intuition tells us that something feels wrong, we talk ourselves out it. Many in their grandiose will immediately say “she isn’t perfect” and I will be the first to tell you, I am far from perfect. I am not aiming for perfection. I am aiming to continue to become the best me and choosing to be the outcast, as this is not the norm I want for myself. I don’t want to live my life in fear nor do I want to live my life second guessing myself. I’ve done it, I am doing, and I will continue to do it. One of the things I say in the book is that “regardless of the outcome and the treatment of others, when those in their own time are ready to take the courageous journey, I’ll be there” and I hold true to my word. I am nobody to those who will shun me, but I am a somebody to the those I have helped along the way. Because truth is, those who I am a nobody to, is a nobody to me. Truth is I am not going to manipulate you like many religous leaders do in the sake of “being saved” do as I am not going to control your free will. Ultimate power is not something I seek or want. I will not be held accountable for something traumatic that happens to you that is not your choice. Because in the end, when (and I truly hope you never do coming from the poster child of trauma) when your left alone because someone stole the self worth, in the end whether it be as a life coach or as a psychologist, or even through my books, I will be there to pick up the pieces so you never can stay silent again. Truth is, to stop silencing ourselves and protecting us from dangers, we have to identify the threats that are around us. The journey of being humble is admitting to yourself the things that have already happened and the the things you caused yourself.

Despite of all this doom and gloom, I know there is hope. Silencing ourselves from the mistreatment we accept is something that I feel is the key indicator of moving toward positive change. When you start standing up for yourself on the boundaries you establish that involve you earning from someone and vice versa empowers you in a way I can’t even explain. When you stand up for a mistreatment you would never cause someone intentionally (because you can’t help the way people feel) you feel almost superhuman. One of the things we omit in our everyday life is the common sense of respect. I’ve observed many people and due to my late post, I have been traveling around Texas and a few outside states to determine this truth. I have also dressed in various ways to see the type of reactions I would get. You would be surprised the reaction received by each perceived persona. In an attempt to be “right by God” many of them do a half ass attempt to do the right thing. There are only a very few good one’s out there who will invest time and actually do what they can to help someone, and that’s a win right there. When I asked them what compelled them to take the time, many of them all had a personal reason that affected them at one point in time, which I praised them for as many people who endure trauma become more narcissistic in the sake of protecting themselves. Many of those who admitted they did the bare minimum bought a copy of my book which I was gracious and happy to sign, writing a personal message for each that had the tone of “human nature is made to be imperfect, it’s what we do to become better people than we were” while those who were ugly verbally abuse me in their grandiose saying “you are a nobody” or “I will make sure you never get anywhere” and my response was a “oh your hurting my feelings with your inadequate and unimportant influence and existence” which in a few cases had them in handcuffs and majority of them being “religious”. But my question is if I am not that relevant then why do you have to react or result to violence? Truth is we all get judged and the perception we relay is how people view us. But because of that perception, we go to the extremes to self preserve the identity we made for ourselves. Which due to this my biggest wish and hope is that hopefully one day, we can live in a society that being you 100% you, in your beautiful imperfections not for the sake of us in the present, but for the future generations, which at the rate we are going I feel will be even more horrible a world to live in than today.

The Self Conflict of Good and Evil

The act of nurturing evokes of feeling of love, compassion, and importance to someone. We all want to be nurtured and we all at one point feel that we did not get this in our lives. This is a perception is biased as our version of nurture doesn’t match what is defined by society or by the people we surround yourself. The difference is that their are two versions of nurturing that we long for, through the need to validate and the need for justification comes from intentional and non intentional. Intentional, which comes from a selfish nature that afforded the resources to have nothing but time, intentionally neglects a child or individual in the act of self gratification. The unintentional, which comes from commonly my side of the tracks; is the limited time based on the cards they have been dealt, struggling to find the balance between providing necessities to upkeep the well-being of the household while struggling to keep up with the adversities of life, which in most cases requires two jobs and limited time to nurture kids. Don’t get me wrong, those in those situations still act selfishly but I truly feel it was unintended. As we constantly hear how worthless we are, why are you so stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, which comes from the own unresolved issues that with their regret and their struggle with their worth, is intended as tough love to prevent you from falling into the same trap. There is also the dark side of nurturing. This becomes a vendetta or a insecurity stemmed from a misperception stemmed from the childhood that they never had and will whatever they can to provide the life that they didn’t have perceived as better than theirs, still holding insecurities, enabling their kids and conditioning their children to use bad behavior as a manipulative tool to gain the life that they now feel you didn’t provide. Where because it was never enough for you with the insecurities that convinces one by the lies they tell their kids, you fall into a trap that you begin to vicariously live through your own child. It doesn’t mean your a bad parent, not at all. In fact I want to congratulate you for sticking it out. There is no right or wrong in the journey as long as you are sure of yourself. I don’t devalue anything you did as being a parent is tough as juggling your life and the lives you’re responsible for are tough. I say this as before taking the journey I felt like I could of had a better life with no understanding or empathy of the sacrifices my parents did. That being a parent is the cruelest of all titles to have, because your not only trying to follow the social norm in parenting, you face the judgement of so many people throughout the society, that due to their own struggle with self worth, they degrade the things that you can’t provide to your kids. As the social norm of parenting, is another rat race of misconception of lies, what you perceive, and in the bad cases demonizing a parent who did wrong by the actions a child’s misconceptions of the nurturing they are not receiving from you. Since behavior is always solely based on the upbringing of the child, makes you guilty by association, causing you to self preserve all in the sake of pointing out the real problem. Where courage, expressed in the best case scenario, turns dark when you and your child are outcast by society norms.

In my book I talk about balance. Getting to know both sides for me help me rationalize what the good versions and bad versions fit in. You can read the book about the effects that occurred when parents who devalued my upbringing, the trauma I faced, and my physical appearance that didn’t fit social norms and the effects it caused; when grown adults intentionally and purposely degraded me enabling my daily life in school. With that said, everyone tried to convince me as a teenager why my paternal family was such bad parents and why my entire life would be ruined if I continued to be raised by them. Of course due to self preservation, they attempted to make be the problem. But graciously, I had professional help that made me see at an early age due to being a low income family that what I perceived is not true. As the cards that my family was dealt, required my families limited time as almost everyone worked and in some cases two jobs, the life they provided. Yes they all had self sabotaging behavior, but truth is they knew with the trauma I faced, I had to grow up face and learn. As in my case, my trauma emotionally matured me as I gain self sufficiency on my own. I gained courage earlier writing about sensitive topics like abuse, molestation, and the emotional affects that suicide and how people’s lack of compassion plays a role in that. I was already a rebel early on and posed as a danger. What took the cake was when I talked about treating people differently is discrimination and that if we want to be unique, as everyone wanted to be in high school we had to love our parents, respect them, but be the person we are made to be. English teachers and debate teachers loved it, while parents demonized me as a threat. Now seeing the reason, a fucken teenager was calling them out for what they are and not what they perceived, which led to my parents transferring me schools three different times. One similar perception every teenage and parent had, establishing their own worth based on the things they did, what they wore, the car they had, and the achievements they established in high school. Thanks to a supportive network and the establishment of my maturity, I was back at my old high school which was the Nova Net program and completed my curriculum six months before I walked the stage, where the ones who saw my potential said I would do great things when I shake their hands as many nurtured the talent that I had and the ones who I posed a threat said whispered, your gonna amount to nothing. Again with the doubt that I would become nothing because someone who knew better ended up using their dark side to self preserve.

Self preservation has revealed the dark side of people that they all swear they don’t have most of the time. When insecurity and other factors I mentioned come into play, everyone who has has an upper hand or something you never could attain is out to get you. Well thanks to the dark psychology and the behavioral patterns we get conditioned for survival is absolutely the honest truth in most cases. Which made me touch back to basics to get a better understanding. I grew up catholic but I was drawn to Wicca. Not knowing why at the time but Wicca embraced nature and that like everything in nature good and evil or dark and light existed in everything the universe encompasses. Biology reinforced this with cell functions where protons and neutrons were the positive and negative electrical forces if I recall correctly. In my professional life, positive and negative behaviors determine the outcome of certain outcomes, and thanks to my metaphysical psychologist who Catholic by nature took the positive messages in religion as he also shared the love for one of humanities I shared Theology, has both the light and the dark in the messages it gives. If you don’t believe me, read the entire Bible. It doesn’t matter which one. There are some evil actions that it justifies the need for, that in our society would be deemed unethical, immoral, and potential a wrap sheet or potentially the death sentence.

In my journey one of the favorite foes I like to encounter are the self righteous. Although they appear consistent they are always betting on the insecurities you possess to be the way they manipulate you into believing what they believe in the sake of personal gain. Because the stereotype I perceive to them as being insecure, they always attempt to use first my insecurities as a scare tactic, then the traumas and my failures as way to shame, then God to scare me into obeying them as God is giving them an ultimatum that if I don’t obey I will be punished. What then happens is this. I tell ask them if their sure as God is telling me something else, then when they try to devalue me as God doesn’t talk to you cause your no one he would speak with, reply well are you sure your talking to God as my near death experiences have shown me a different description that you describe, follows justification of why things are different for me then them, which then has me asking why is he different if he’s suppose to be Universal, then by using another figure and questioning that characters moral standard, results to insults which then becomes the insecurities they really are concealing, then degrading me to the lowest form, where I call out the trauma that it stems, and finally when self preservation is used in the negative way, the real reason why they are truly not what they say they are pointing out not only the trauma they hold, but the sins they continue to commit today and the unforgivable sins of the past. And in their pride convince themselves of their worth, pointing out that if God truly spoke to them, why isn’t he correcting your sin of pride. This has shown wrath as I have had one get physical in their lack of self control, causing myself to physically defend myself and play a victim accusing me of causing the confrontation but always disproving the lie thanks to pedestrians, cameras, and the things they have done to others along the way. But it breaks my heart at the same time, because blinded by their pride, they never seem to find peace and just result to criminal behavior as many have now been convicted of hurting others.

Background and the past has so much to do with the way people feel. The truth is as everything in life always exist one common element, positive and negative. A rider told me something that I said YAAAASSSS to about the pandemic, that we lie to ourselves and when he admitted I like the other lies I tell myself I asked when I dropped him, permission to shake his hand. He asked he felt he was skeptical to say that because everyone he encountered always deflected what I told him in my book was self preservation. Telling him the content of the book, the trauma I experienced, taking accountability of the things I had control of and coming to terms with the things I couldn’t control which truly become the element of people. Thus turned to beginning the process to forgive myself of the things I did to others that I had control of, and started the closure to the negative events and being gracious of the positive it made me see just how beautiful life truly is. As simple as it sounds, it’s never that easy. Starting with my journey was just the basis, but sharing the journey of those willing to try, deceptive in the desire to try, the disappointments they endured during the journey, the milestones they reached in the story, and the positive places the journey took them. My hope which is the best case scenario, to see them reach which I am sure exist an improved version of the journey that with no doubt in my mind has gotten me to a happiness and love that I never thought I would ever find. And with all the hope in my heart learn something that I may have not attained as of yet. In the pursuit of hope, love, and happiness real talk, aside the ridicule of being psycho babble, cult talk, or whatever those who not ready to face themselves, is limitless universal, and at the end of the day uniquely you. Because you don’t have to change yourself or your beliefs when you take this journey. The only thing you need is an open mind, an open heart, and the courage to change.