We all have conformed or still conform in our everyday lives just to fit in. Whether it be betraying a friend because of what are faved group of people think about the odd ball of the group. Or broke up with someone because of what our family or friends thought of what they thought of someone. Or rocked a high end designer bag or even bought a vehicle for the brand. Or the most degrading of them all, put on a brave face to the world and put an act that would win an academy award for the things that happens behind closed doors, leaving you in a situation that has you self medicating and crying from the mistreatment, emotional abuse, and/or physical abuse you conceal with makeup. The ugly truth is your confirming to individual social norms that are associated in the social group who are all trying to get ahead in life to reach the regular social norms that gain success and a happy life. Ugly truth is, you may with drive and persistence reach a success that is may surpass your usual social group, but you’ll never go above that social level because truth is, there is a crowd with the same ideas, same perception, and the same expectations in this burning world we live in. Ignoring the danger and truth you refuse to see through a distorted pair of rose glasses.
Think back to high school and the group of friends you use to hang. Now let’s add a college experience if you had one. Where you in the same social group? Let’s factor in the first job you had. What social group did you associate with then? What about every job after that? Now factor in the groups you associated with out of work? Let’s now factor in the social settings that are social organizations like churches, country clubs, fraternities or sororities? What were the perceptions you gave to each one? Where they different or similar? Were the odd balls of the group accepted or where they caste out of the group and your life?Statistically speaking only 20% of those groups will be similar based on the small study I’ve been gradually getting for the last 5 months. When funding allows, to assure the current percentage is truly accurate to make this theory truly accurate. How were you treated when you were the odd ball? Did your old friends stop being your friend in current and past ground? Survey says 95% of those people now the odd ball were not accepted and caste out themselves. To be true to science, these surveys will be redone by a third party entity to eliminate bias.
We subconsciously conform and we don’t even know it. Subliminal advertising is a business practice used by marketing and is an actual part of curriculum in marketing in college. Have you been able to give a genuine reason why a brand is your favorite brand of clothing? Vehicle? Bag? What made you buy these luxury brand items or even want them? That’s a question for you and only you to come to terms with as once again you do not need to justify this for. I’m not hear to judge, I’m here to help only when you are ready for it. The same subliminal messaging in advertisingis why I believe subconscious thinking comes into play within ourselves on the actions we engage in, the purchases we buy, and the feelings we get in certain situations. Subconscious trauma, even if we say is something we come to terms with is something we lie to ourselves about because seeing in my own actions that I use less fight or flight intimidation and take more action, has me convinced that, although in unknown situations is when I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach, still engage in action when I need to make it a point that my boundaries are crossed in a 2nd non physical aspect that has me assure both parties are responsible to take accountability and assure that if this is a continued behavioral pattern that is consistent, depending on that individual they don’t attempt to offend you with their irresponsible actions or blame you for the actions they themselves had control of.
People since I’ve found my unique path have always said something similar to “not everyone is genuinely happy” or “you’re the one not happy with yourself” always saying actually I am. When they ask why am I so sure comes the coined phrases in my book “I’m good with my own pendejadas” which in English translates “I’m good with my own fuck ups” as I have control and admit to the consequence of my actions. I’ve been dragged in the bus, been thrown under the bus for too long by people who knew better and people who didn’t know better all in the sake of their own self preservation, seeing them get away with it and seeing them engage in more problematic and illegal activity. Like Enron, being a well respected company turned tragedy. When I use this example on business professionals, lay down the history and start one by one piecing the puzzle, it scares them, it worries them, it shames them because seeing the one match that light the fire is getting dangerously close , causing one of my accounts from my previous job bring me in as a Training Consultant and in one day let go as the suggestions given where taken as personal attacks, which now is shut down and under federal investigation. Because the person who knew better took a suggestion of good faith into a personal attack that had no undertone of it. Like trauma, guilt of something takes a toll and clouds your perception. Revealing that guilt is another subconscious demon your also being influenced by in subconscious mind that’s influenced by others around you and those who you haven’t made amends with. With this revealed, yes I’m sincerely happy, because people who are dealing with issues that they deny become a distraction turned to liability. Because when it’s all said and done, when the chips are down and everyone disappears for what ever reason as they are just keeping their head above water, the only person that can save you, in the end is you.
They say the Nile is not a river in Egypt. Ugly Truth is almost everyone has tubed this river like it was Labor Day on the Guadalupe River in Texas. Some of us stay on this content until you fall off and get pulled down by the current until you can’t breath anymore giving up the fight to break free and staying there till they turn blue. In this analogy, my role is to play EMS in hopes that instead of waking towards the light you fight to live and start living. This continued even post journey, as my hope that COVID19’s worldwide pandemic scared everyone my death thinking that this as I referenced on a previous blog that with nature taking the lives with the “gaslighting” CNN interview said about the actions taken to protect the people, we are given false hope that the virus would disappear with a warning given by the same entity, the CDC has been publicly warning about the virus against the request from the President, it got worst and claims more lives each day. As those who followed on blind faith and no understanding of the biology and chemistry it takes to make these treatments effectively safe by chemist who measure the quantities and after testing, has literally poisoned some to the point of suicide stemmed by the fear of dying. Which the lies they my essential workers on rideshare consensus having people who treat them with less respect, and misperceived ideologies that some organizations preach, making these people have a sense of Godly protection, which has me worried that with the warnings no one seems to acknowledge stated that this second wave is going to be far more fatal due to flu season and as we are conditioned to not cares until it affects us, which by the info being reported in scientific news that there may now be interact with other microorganisms, will only be reported until it starts affecting us directly, which by then it will be too late to stop it, as the man still shows behaviors of a “out of sight out of mind” approach, will not make it a big deal until it becomes worse and possibly be too late as he has proven time and time again. That not only nature will continue to allow it to get stronger and until it officially jeopardizes him personally and depending on if higher powers (from any religion intervention) may have be what could maybe be the end of humanity. Reading that itself, making excuses just proves my point. We as people don’t like to be scared as it causes panic, which when fear hits, makes people do the most erratic things to protect themselves from unknown doom. Those who give up don’t care about what happens and continues to self indulge, while others go to extremes to the points that they do things to harm themselves. Because for whatever reason, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. Some of those who don’t see the light, live on a day by day basis. Neglecting the bigger picture with the lost of hope just finding a way to survive another day whether it be self medicating ghosts from the past. Then you have those big picture thinkers which in adolescence starts as the big dreamer. Those who only want great things for everyone they love. Then those from broken homes have hope of having of having a better life, for their kids, things their parents never were able to have; something to give back for their parents efforts, to be something that their family is proud of and something their future kids will be proud of.
As adults the big picture is being proactive, being prepared, and planning for the worst and hope for the best. And you have those who are cautious, protective of their status their persona as in today’s age, perception is the only thing that will get you anywhere. But why even try, if with the things we have, the things we protect, the things we value mean if we see nothing changing, nothing improving, no one to do the right thing. Why even try when change never happens? This is what I thought every time I get used, abused, and mistreated. Ironically enough, those that face adversity say similar or exactly the same thing. Why try? Why even bother? Ugly truth is that we settle. When things get good. We settle. When things get great. We settle. When things are it best. We settle. One thing we don’t settle is status that’s motivated through personal motive. The triggers being social norms stemmed by culture and heritage, by the ghost of our pasts and by the ghost of others. Saying the little people never get ahead? Why the value one perceives on the outside. But my journey blessed me with one thing, being presented with the truth I was wanting to see. Which we all have seen, not personally but through art and history. Where future of the rich and powerful give it all up in hopes of finding happiness away from the stability and security money can buy as hardships develop a persons character in hopes to find their true identity. And the poorest of the poor hit rock bottom and rise above the ashes. This is what I neglected to see driven by my ghost, by the ghost of others, and what that social norms perceive as accomplished, where my modeling, my designing, my resilience was never enough because I wasn’t known, I wasn’t rich, and I wasn’t desired. Making me want more and getting good, better, best at things I desired was never happy. I was content in every milestone, I settled to the point of comforting myself saying if this is good as it gets I’m good, raising a standard on everything but my own needs and raising standards to the wants I was missing. Even attaining that. I never was truly happy. I was good at perceiving this but never genuine. Which once denial is eliminated that those who see call out, but in my insecurities and trust issues always waited for “I’ll be rewarded one day on my good deeds” which became the absolution that never came which denial eliminated that my insecurities fueled by someone else’s was something that I tolerated and after isolating myself began to evaluate the rational pros and cons of the situation that lead to a journey that in self realization, people affected me to the point of holding my true self hostage out of the fear of things that I actually enjoyed. That the consistencies that in childhood changed by adults in my life where things that as an adult were shared with me started adjusting to things that they personally felt. Ugly truth is in childhood, we have been conditioned to listen to those that appeared to know better, but were battling things they hid, following blindly into the path of un-genuine happiness that disappeared at the signs of unappreciation and “insubordination.” And when you disobeyed, they take it all back, including the image you gained by them. Why? Because of the unknown fear of your own abilities. That if you matched them, you become equal or rival. And if you succeed, become better. That after taking you in, you might be better and leave them behind.
One thing I’ve been asked by essential workers is “Why do they mistreat us if we are sacrificing out lives and family when it’s hard to get employees to come in and people who say need jobs but don’t want to even apply?” I will tell you I don’t know, I have ideas, but I know it’s out of fear of COVID19. What I do know is we don’t know how to genuinely appreciate people. That because the things we appreciate are not the same, so since we can’t provide you the material aspect in the “I wish I could help you” comes from what we don’t have for ourselves yet stems, but it’s the small acts of kindness that service people in the front lines want. In all honesty, for me it perceives as being safelessly reckless is the lie society says as we are convinced since we think we know ourselves, our better judgement in circles that provide us what we want when we want even if it’s for a moment and regardless of it’s a lie. Which seeing the behavioral patterns and the defensive response from every day people is that my stock went up because you survived the pandemic. Whether it be a false perception of higher intervention, kissed by an Angel, given the luxury of not having to work, or whatever it may be turns into false entitlement and the rationalization of why your life is not as important to mine as I was blessed with the ability to not have to work, in some out of genuine necessity but n many working the system, which now has gradually getting more difficult as those workers begin to gain after a 8-12 shift dealing with the same sob story they have heard over and over from another opportunist trying to get a free ride by excuses after excuse turned to verbal abuse of nit getting what they don’t deserve.
Pre-Journey I almost became the same person, over and over dealing with the same people, doing the same thing, and getting the same result was discouraging. Nothing changed within me, my character was the same but had different outer perceptions. We do this everyday of our lives from being one person at work, one person, and school, being a different person to fit in every social circle we associate with. Defensive? Only if your guilty of it? Are you justifying to yourself why I’m wrong and all the things wrong with me? Why? If you don’t care about yourself why should I? Truth is we invest so much time to those who aren’t willing to do things for your virtue or at least take a chance on doing something that may lose a security blanket that they settled for is just a form of fear that through the idea of letting go of the things that don’t get the change we can expect means change will be something you expect or thrive for. You expect it to be given to you on a silver platter that everyone is in line for waiting for the same silver platter. Where the advice given for free doesn’t matter since it’s free and has no worth other other than the temporary confident boost you get with no intention to do anything but only come back around when your security blanket runs out of bleeding you dry of hope and drive, having you blame me for the things you don’t take responsibility and accountability for. Does this sound familiar? Have you been told or said that before? Well lovelies those are the people that truly cared about you that you left you in the moment you needed the most and you to said less likely “shit on them” after exhausting their resources and kindness out of your own selfishness and haven’t apologized yet due to your pride. Or in your grief, as you may be reflecting back on a day that you had to walk away and the guilt of “I should of done something more” is something you have to forgive yourself for and let go as the hardest love to give someone is tough love as in life, it’s takes physical and/or emotional pain to learn our lessons. In my day I was spanked. Not because of my parents inner demons that’s what drinking was for within my dad who one day I hope and feel he will come to peace with what haunts him, it’s cause I did something extremely shitty that if conditioned to adulthood would throw me into jail or worst. We live in a society that people want something to be fair and across the board. However, it’s skewed when perception is just a disguise to make us fit in. Which the traumas people face seem to become far worst than the traumas from previous past generational traumas begin earlier than the past generations of self sabotage and self medicating, where I am shocked when I hear young adults at 19 saying they started at early 5 years old. Where social norms make these trending items of luxury that are impossibly attainable become the light started at the end of the tunnel now just gets dimmer and dimmer with each each passing generation, where self mutilation and humiliation is the only way you will be noticed as with each conspiracy theory is a rumor of biased untruth made to turn each other against one another, where because a child now made to be the outlet to their parents continued attempt to be an example turned into a traumatic existence that had some e willingly degrade themselves hoping that this was the only chance to have a better life, and through those willing to forget where they came from with the fear of potentially losing what they think brings them joy is the anti-conformity those born into inflicted with the traumas we can’t understand that we gain by the power of forces to be, is why lacking the ability to empathize, show gratitude, and omit the sincerity, as temper tantrums of not getting what we want and work with what we need at the time, just might be when the power to be deems that those higher power resources are exhausted, be the lesson that if fearful of losing the things that perceive the vanity of accomplishment may be the lesson that human nature just might need, all because we thought we knew better. And seeing this genuinely me is why I had stop turning my head. Knowing that no one will listen, but why not try. As the priest before packing away back home in a church I prayed in, overwhelmed by fear, agony, and the question, why have you forsaken me, had the priest say that sometimes the blessings we want actually hurt as someone pained who come out of adversity is a reminder that we are human. Being able to out of it with a different perspective, resurrection, and those who come out of it still with love and compassion for not only people, but those who have inflicted them with scaring power, but those with the pain turned love baring the scars in a burning world is the most greatest gift one can ever be given. Being kind and cruel leaving rationality is a blessing, it encompasses compassion and mercy that today’s world can’t even understand. It’s a divine power blessed to those that deserve. My question to him “why does it have to be so full of trial and tribulation?” He gave me a answer I didn’t understand at the time, until today. Being a human, has us always questioning our logic, even at the most happiest. Asking myself the same question of “trial and tribulation.” Having compassion from the human condition and coming to a truth I finally was able to see made me question it today “as empathy who think they hide it well” plus things that in a normal environment (business environment) as an incident to help a friend turned brother at the Days Inn at Downtown Riverwalk has the night desk clerk give me an explanation talking to me if I never ever traveled out of San Antonio, speaking to me like many women get spoken in the city of San Antonio that i loved, resulting to retaliatory behaviors after revealing his condescending tone, degrading me, and ignoring me entirely which in s business environment would not be acceptable, having to reach customer service also mocking me when I asked what I did and told them writer, could hear the the call center outsourced that the first representative said they all worked at, had the supervisor think out loud “oh shit” after looking up my webpage that the blog stats showed a view as stats appear in real time. Having more views that same day, still being underminded by a non returned call made by the Wyndham Corporation that thanks to the respect that these employees choose to give, has hindered the perception of a once glorified perceived notion, that has demonstrated something we tolerate in our place of work, a toxic work environment that bleeds into the treatment. That begins to infect the personal lives of the majority that like a virus mutates/evolves with the ghosts of everyone’s past. Which true be told, ifs you have the courage to wear the armor in unknown territory, will see just how unfair the world can truly be. Prove me wrong by physically walking in someone else’s shoes for a 24 hours to its entirety, being the raw and vulnerable version of you. But the beautiful thing is you see those amazing people who do for everyone out of necessity and start seeing those who do it out of being unhappily comfortable, which was revealed by the priest in my speaking to the higher power I was raised on. The ugly truth that I was given, to have a gift of insight and don’t persevere through the abyss of doubt, there really isn’t hope after all. People may not understand now or ever, but many souls are willing to sacrifice themselves which is why we have free will. Which the reasons behind the advice given is unique as it was meant specifically for me, played the undertone of Elton Johns “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” as every conquered chapter in life is another yellow brick road left behind.
When you rise out of the ashes, you earn your wings every time. Where the people who care about you always hope that your not wasting your life, will prove to not only you and them, that the wings you always earn where meant to fly. When I was first presented with this song was on Dancing with the Stars when Amber Riley, Mercedes on Glee performed “Wings” as her song. Everyone who said she was overweight, braced us with her presents with a mesmerizing performance. Girl got it and those who doubted her got got. It happens more than we want to admit, where people who commit crimes and get away with it leave those hinders in grief and irrational states as many hate crimes occur that get spinned as hate crimes when ugly truth is, its a an act of devaluing someone. No one wins because no justice is gained and the act of conditioned devaluing begins a slippery slope in believing this behavior is okay and to social norms, normal.
This is what created the toxic work environment that I was subjected to. Conditioned behavior becomes a culture where this behavior is welcomed in not only work environments, but social and family environments as well. Which is why I applauded the ending of revenge, where Amanda Clark’s father David Clark stopped the slippery slope that he stopped, where her daughter was able to find peace in her happily ever after, where money wasn’t her motive in her journey. It was the need to seek justice for her father.
Rising from the ashes had me let go two things the materialist aspect of the life I gained and the perception that others who wouldn’t understand was going to leave of me. But in a world where we feel justice is never met, it was necessary. It would be on those who didn’t understand and wouldn’t try as they didn’t invest time to find out, was their responsibility and as long as it doesn’t affect them, it didn’t matter. The journey has also shown, it will eventually affect you later, as words don’t mean a thing when it’s all said and done. And learning to fly, seeing those who thought they were nobody has always shown them as it showed me that you may have a match, but capable of making an explosion when taking back your life, as Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” recites. As you just moved mountains for those also in the same boat. As your effects from your cause just rippled to everyone in the same battle. Which is why I believe we are never on it alone. Which has truth to “we are in it together.”
Rising from the ashes also showed me that no matter how dark it is, I’ll go hard with it. Miles Morales in into The Spider-Verse shows that even regular people who come into power need to perfect their skill to make it effective. Being a rideshare driver has helped perfect it and also has bit me in the ass when people assume my blogs are a rant of complaints on the things I feel that I’m gonna humiliate them. I hate to break it to them, some of them are not that important or interesting. It’s those looking for change and receptive are the ones that their stories featured in my post, anonymously of course. Today I was deemed the love doctor and “Hitch” amazing character that Will Smith plays who like me, gives advise so people can find happiness, admitting his mistakes. Momma, poppa, abuelas, tías, and tíos all told me not to waste my life, and it might not pay the bills now, will eventually, where the wings, a dragonfly that my first ex destroyed, was the gift my dad gave me one birthday which was a glass and swavorski crystal ornament that I yet still can’t find a replacement of. In a world where everyone was a butterfly deemed me his dragonfly, which Swift and confident flying with a purpose, is both beautiful and cunning in its purpose. Which is my next tattoo. And where people say I’m looking for danger has me saying “What’s Up Danger” now has been to proven to myself that as in the song by Blackway and Black Cavier say in the same song “can’t stop me now.”
Bananarama’s “Venus” is the victory song I jam out to now that post quarantine traffic presents my new examples of the everyday people capable of both good and ill intentions in the sake of self preservation. Those who admire the song for whatever reason will show props while others will show disappointment or in extreme ways humiliate. The consistent expression who have me blurting our “She got it, yeah baby she’s got it, I’m your Venus I’m your fire your desire” which those praising it will sign along and show their appreciation, while those in a failed of humiliation in stray sad puppy face look of disappointment. The only living creature I will save are stray animals when it’s all said and done. Bringing me back to the happy moments with my mom saying to myself, mom we did it.” There are so many greats that exhibit this Venus persona. From Lady Gaga to Lizzo who is feeling “Good as Hell” after facing adversity regardless of what to come which coined my “pull a Lizzo” quote. Regardless of what other see her as is 100% comfortable in her own skin at the end of the day.
“Piece by Piece” by Kelly Clarkson hearing this song for the first time was another American Idol song I wanted to perform as it expressed the pain the I had about an event I fully didn’t understand. Which is why I have so much forgiveness, the missing element being a love I still haven’t gained only the love a father who did evening he could to give me the life he felt, but still was not true to my story. I didn’t need someone to save me because I saved myself. And although a family in their act of self preservation thinking I blame them for all the bad or the things they didn’t do is not the truth to my story either. Because in a collaborate effort, they played a huge role collaboratively. In their struggles, gave me the power to save myself, with no intention helped saved others save themselves on this beautiful disaster I call my unraveled journey.
P!nks “So What” is the anthem to this journey. As in this journey, I was always told I was a bad ass, and even when denying the comment, have proven more ways than one that my irratic behavior was just the makings of a rebel, who had fun in the process as I was being me 100% of the time. Funny thing is those who actually genuinely see this in all walks of life, bringing me to the advice of seeking a life coach career from a collective consensus from all walks a life, made me take it more serious from someone falling from grace, someone living in a gated community needing id verification before entering, a gated community residence, and someone now homeless due to COVID19 quarantine made me think that before the psychologist credentialing is the way to stay grounded in the venture to being a psychologist. I’m a huge Sinatra fan and express my love for him in my book as his song “My Way made me come to terms with the unknown fate of the unknown fate I was about to face, with the doubt that I repeated in my head is I should of listened to the advise and worried about me. The same from the honest people knowing I lived in a mole infested apartment being told by my friends, their children “be careful with her, you don’t want to get what she has” which in their ignorance would of research was done that it’s not contagious, unlike COVID19, which their fear turned ignorance. Which we all are guilty of in one point in life. But the things left unsaid and the lyric that in powered me the most even those I was being a voice for unknowingly by their injustices life gave made “I did what I had to do without exemption” was the result of me turning my head in silence. Not getting involved even though doing nothing made me just as guilty. And that no matter what is said about me “the record shows I took the blows and did it my way”. Which in the process, as the universe provides and with the agreement that I would be their forever life coach after exchanging numbers and saying, they would get me the credentials to get the credentialing I need to begin my life. Thus from a rider, who I helped see the errors of their ways and helped make his wife feel like the diva she is in Austin, TX. And after swapping childhood trauma stories with someone who made a great name for themselves, telling me that I found my calling, having someone who came from the wrong side of tracks like me and being the representation of all of my close childhood friends who I’ve lost physically looking down and feeling in my heart saying “this bitch is doing it”. Brave and bruised, well bitches look out cause here I come. Regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, I gained an unbiased perception that no one can take away. In the end like “This is Me” says, “I’m not scared to be seen, this is who I’m meant to be. This is me.” Because little do you know, when you find your power, you too will be someone’s like my new friend says, be the preacher the world needs. Unapologetic and calling out the bullshit that we don’t the change we want to see. Finally in your act of courage, being the hero you always wanted to be. In the end also saying “this is me”.