One of the lies I told myself pre-journey was that I didn’t care what others thought of me. The ugly truth is which started my need to resolve the internal conflict had people who in selfish intent as a way to come in and out of my life, using the fears and stigmas I would reconfirm with the “false intimidation” of acceptance. Those who judge to assure themselves of those convictions in the survival instinct of self reassurance, one instantly begins to belittle and degrade in envy (one of the seven deadly sins) or kindness (one of the seven heavenly has those who have
concern will always be in sight when they see you as an equal all in my experience with a internal motive in mind which have been both selfless and selfish. Altruism a rarity in our normal society. With time being measures as money, where people’s struggles comes from lacking the comforts in life, and if the help you need doesn’t benefit the person in some way shape or form is never given, has those faced in a situation that in a moment of injustice, has people now witnesses of a person or victim in distress not getting immediate help
need. This phenomenon is called the bystander effect. where those around them are figuring out if it qualifies to them as an emergency, if they want to assume responsibility, and determining the cost and benefits from their aid. Where in this event pluralistic ignorance has everyone waiting around to see who’s going to help first, those who step back a few step diffuse of responsibility, and those evaluating the cost and benefit of their aid. This event to the individual although in despair depending on the result will come out influenced with a perception based on witness action.
One of the things that I have been especially blessed with the ability to remain humble. One of the reasons I swear by is the kindness shown in my early ages, which in the book I reference as my concrete angels. These amazing and saving graces was the reason why I pay so much gratitude for. Looking deeper into the picture of my scheduled self reflection where I make sense of the fuckery of the world we live in to gain rationality based on the super human empathy people say I have to connect the dots on the negative behavior they display. Everyone is a critic when it comes to this always having some sort of negative response in their biased opinion which depending on the circumstance, a conviction of their own demise which is knowledge given out of respect and compassion for me, which if stuck in that mentality would have in my emotional protection made me become a modern day narcissist. Those in their narcissistic mentality stemmed by entitlement will say this to discourage me and intentionally inflict some sort of pain they can gain out of it to fulfill a purpose for themselves which those now needing aid in sorting out their life as the happiness they see which remains consistent and in temporary grief see a characteristic I failed to see within myself. The strength and the persistency to no matter the result beat the odds, which a consistency I felt wasn’t there in those time. Now wronged by those who they thought “knew better'” and a life plan that did not work in their favor trying to find absolution in their world they lost hope in. Some walk away when they expect to gain instant solutions that already warned in advanced and out of respect for their time eliminating their unrealistic expectation where more creditability I attain that’s genuinely voluntary will not be jeopardized in the inability to remain consistent that I will not sacrifice for no one as this is the reward I gained by my adversity. All thanking me with the actual reason that is their personal conflict admitting the false perceptions they had of me which makes me respect them way more than I did.
Perception is something that hinders us personally that effects the changes we feel never change. The reason why I stand firm of the belief of positive and negative effects is that even good deeds become a debate of moral in the eyes of those who deem it as such. In the mist of black lives matter, I bring up the contradictory personas the Black Panthers were perceived as in my studies from elementary through college. There have been different options when it comes to the telling of the Black Panther movement that has been demonized as a black supremacy movement and others who glorify the efforts made at the time. I feel this was much needed as the injustice we see that continues is why we continue to fight for justice. In the war of good and evil, we neglect to see the overall morality of good acts and the overall intention of those involved to make change happen. Personal motive is something that goes unquestioned as the majority of the action is for the greater good in change. White Supremacy was made for the same intention where those fighting for biological altruism becomes a movement to protect from the fears made by other races. In the Enron scandal, those who for the greater good of those involved also caused an action of selfish altruism that ended with not only the company to die, but those fearful of the repercussions of the consequence they made to maintain a well known establishment that earlier was a beacon of hope for the community and opportunity, voluntarily committed suicide for something they never questioned. Which for in a crusade for the greater good, which the concern of what my big picture plan and the association of an attempt to gain fame became an interrogation to find out what drew the conclusion that was assumed and insulted with “terrorist” made me assume that they were discriminatory and narcissistic as their lack of probing and interest based on my biological perception they perceived made them identify me as many depend on as it is consistent in financial stability, which I also added has been leverage to gaining a more accurate insight as that same conclusion is the reason why in Houston I was embraced by a small humble community that shared the reasoning why they fear Americans, in our spoiled perception and the ignorance we have on our personal security don’t know the true dangers we face daily. That the things we take for granted are the things that some grew up seeing as a luxury and that in the event when we are presented with a proposition to get everything we want in life will be quick to submit to as entitlement makes those the easiest targets. Where the acts of leaving their home land was a desperation to freely be themselves, which homosexuality when caught in the act was a death sentence.
Perception and personal motive is what I feel is part of the problem where change seems hopeless. The radical ideas I had on how things would of played out, why it should of played out, and why I was not worthy all came from a personal perception that started as hope and ended with a perception that I believed to be true which the never should of happened, happened. With that came personal conflict that the fear to work for a company and having the the untold incidents that kept me quiet as a adult was the same sexual assault I stayed quiet as teenager by the scare tactic an empty threat told to me by the individuals who made that decision that they had the right to do this and say is the only way for me. In that act of empowerment I gained courage for myself. Self reflection which started as finding the things I gained in negative situations, injustices, and unfairness in my life made me see the errors of my ways and the false perception I had. That is a selfish act from those who wronged me that willingly wiping the slate clean continue to pain me in the act of self preservation, thus led me to a revelation that sharing the stories through Uber rides when after asking “are you okay” had those share an ugly truth. The things that we say should never happen continue are happening in a greater scale. Where in situations where those wronged by others victimize those in personal motive stay silent losing a part of them that they feel they can’t get back due to the fear of losing what they gained. Which returning back home as a failure became my fight song out of tragedy which Moonlight Sonata became a emotional non vocal piece of movement that felt so relatable. Come to find out Moonlight Sonata was composed by Beethoven in grief of the loss of love due to his social status. Which what he didn’t attain was in the end the reason why he was deemed unworthy which a classical piano piece well known inspired by defeat. Which makes me see the beauty that comes from rejection, which played randomly in a radio station I always listened to that same day now being introduced to this song “Not a Damn Thing Changed” by Lukeas Graham that made me look back at those that I once saw as leaving behind in guilt, chose to stay behind by their biased perception which uses Moonlight Sonata as inspiration to the music composer. Where those who in their perception they perceive through their entitlement feel that the small part in my journey that had no relevance is payment enough to get credit for what they already see as success, , that the hope for change that now lost as once beacons as children for the hope of a better tomorrow withered away because of the people that deemed them unworthy was the reason why I deserved the cruelty, that in their act of punishment in their resentment hurts me because of the things they refuse to resolve, that the happiness they think stems from money and acceptance is fighting for your self respect where it’s impossible for them since they were crucified by the mistakes of the path that those who already deemed them as unworthy will always see them that way as they are the example they avoid that in our world is getting close to the bottom of the barrel, that those same people looked the same way by a higher tax bracket, that this attempt to make change was not inspired by the things that I fought in my injustce assuming the reasons why that are far from the reality of how things played out, that in their self preservation in the attempt to emotionally protect themselves are the same things from those monsters we faced together both fearful but with the hope to become heroes that became villains in their attempt to just put food on the table by those not willing to give them a chance. That those who died by self infliction that communities keep silent is the things we don’t want to admit to, because being ignorant keeps us safe is the reason why stereotypes are the injustices used in abuse of power. That the emotional pain I now have isn’t because of what they believe which is the hurt they inflict in me, because in their act of self preservation from the nothing they feel that they were believed to be is pain the grief that we shared in the death of one of those we were close to. Because the place I cherished so much regardless of the stigmas, continued to save me in the kindness, the compassion, the hope that due to social norms will never be enough for those who kept me going now defeated wait for better days, which in death unknown is the only way they will ever escape their heartbreak and pain. Which is why regardless of the result is the altruism most needed today is the selfless act of compassion and forgiveness all in the sake of those who in pain gain peace and confidence to fight for another day.