Not a Damn Thing Changed – The Ugly Truth of my Realizations

One of the lies I told myself pre-journey was that I didn’t care what others thought of me. The ugly truth is which started my need to resolve the internal conflict had people who in selfish intent as a way to come in and out of my life, using the fears and stigmas I would reconfirm with the “false intimidation” of acceptance. Those who judge to assure themselves of those convictions in the survival instinct of self reassurance, one instantly begins to belittle and degrade in envy (one of the seven deadly sins) or kindness (one of the seven heavenly has those who have

concern will always be in sight when they see you as an equal all in my experience with a internal motive in mind which have been both selfless and selfish. Altruism a rarity in our normal society. With time being measures as money, where people’s struggles comes from lacking the comforts in life, and if the help you need doesn’t benefit the person in some way shape or form is never given, has those faced in a situation that in a moment of injustice, has people now witnesses of a person or victim in distress not getting immediate help

need. This phenomenon is called the bystander effect. where those around them are figuring out if it qualifies to them as an emergency, if they want to assume responsibility, and determining the cost and benefits from their aid. Where in this event pluralistic ignorance has everyone waiting around to see who’s going to help first, those who step back a few step diffuse of responsibility, and those evaluating the cost and benefit of their aid. This event to the individual although in despair depending on the result will come out influenced with a perception based on witness action.

One of the things that I have been especially blessed with the ability to remain humble. One of the reasons I swear by is the kindness shown in my early ages, which in the book I reference as my concrete angels. These amazing and saving graces was the reason why I pay so much gratitude for. Looking deeper into the picture of my scheduled self reflection where I make sense of the fuckery of the world we live in to gain rationality based on the super human empathy people say I have to connect the dots on the negative behavior they display. Everyone is a critic when it comes to this always having some sort of negative response in their biased opinion which depending on the circumstance, a conviction of their own demise which is knowledge given out of respect and compassion for me, which if stuck in that mentality would have in my emotional protection made me become a modern day narcissist. Those in their narcissistic mentality stemmed by entitlement will say this to discourage me and intentionally inflict some sort of pain they can gain out of it to fulfill a purpose for themselves which those now needing aid in sorting out their life as the happiness they see which remains consistent and in temporary grief see a characteristic I failed to see within myself. The strength and the persistency to no matter the result beat the odds, which a consistency I felt wasn’t there in those time. Now wronged by those who they thought “knew better'” and a life plan that did not work in their favor trying to find absolution in their world they lost hope in. Some walk away when they expect to gain instant solutions that already warned in advanced and out of respect for their time eliminating their unrealistic expectation where more creditability I attain that’s genuinely voluntary will not be jeopardized in the inability to remain consistent that I will not sacrifice for no one as this is the reward I gained by my adversity. All thanking me with the actual reason that is their personal conflict admitting the false perceptions they had of me which makes me respect them way more than I did.

Perception is something that hinders us personally that effects the changes we feel never change. The reason why I stand firm of the belief of positive and negative effects is that even good deeds become a debate of moral in the eyes of those who deem it as such. In the mist of black lives matter, I bring up the contradictory personas the Black Panthers were perceived as in my studies from elementary through college. There have been different options when it comes to the telling of the Black Panther movement that has been demonized as a black supremacy movement and others who glorify the efforts made at the time. I feel this was much needed as the injustice we see that continues is why we continue to fight for justice. In the war of good and evil, we neglect to see the overall morality of good acts and the overall intention of those involved to make change happen. Personal motive is something that goes unquestioned as the majority of the action is for the greater good in change. White Supremacy was made for the same intention where those fighting for biological altruism becomes a movement to protect from the fears made by other races. In the Enron scandal, those who for the greater good of those involved also caused an action of selfish altruism that ended with not only the company to die, but those fearful of the repercussions of the consequence they made to maintain a well known establishment that earlier was a beacon of hope for the community and opportunity, voluntarily committed suicide for something they never questioned. Which for in a crusade for the greater good, which the concern of what my big picture plan and the association of an attempt to gain fame became an interrogation to find out what drew the conclusion that was assumed and insulted with “terrorist” made me assume that they were discriminatory and narcissistic as their lack of probing and interest based on my biological perception they perceived made them identify me as many depend on as it is consistent in financial stability, which I also added has been leverage to gaining a more accurate insight as that same conclusion is the reason why in Houston I was embraced by a small humble community that shared the reasoning why they fear Americans, in our spoiled perception and the ignorance we have on our personal security don’t know the true dangers we face daily. That the things we take for granted are the things that some grew up seeing as a luxury and that in the event when we are presented with a proposition to get everything we want in life will be quick to submit to as entitlement makes those the easiest targets. Where the acts of leaving their home land was a desperation to freely be themselves, which homosexuality when caught in the act was a death sentence.

Perception and personal motive is what I feel is part of the problem where change seems hopeless. The radical ideas I had on how things would of played out, why it should of played out, and why I was not worthy all came from a personal perception that started as hope and ended with a perception that I believed to be true which the never should of happened, happened. With that came personal conflict that the fear to work for a company and having the the untold incidents that kept me quiet as a adult was the same sexual assault I stayed quiet as teenager by the scare tactic an empty threat told to me by the individuals who made that decision that they had the right to do this and say is the only way for me. In that act of empowerment I gained courage for myself. Self reflection which started as finding the things I gained in negative situations, injustices, and unfairness in my life made me see the errors of my ways and the false perception I had. That is a selfish act from those who wronged me that willingly wiping the slate clean continue to pain me in the act of self preservation, thus led me to a revelation that sharing the stories through Uber rides when after asking “are you okay” had those share an ugly truth. The things that we say should never happen continue are happening in a greater scale. Where in situations where those wronged by others victimize those in personal motive stay silent losing a part of them that they feel they can’t get back due to the fear of losing what they gained. Which returning back home as a failure became my fight song out of tragedy which Moonlight Sonata became a emotional non vocal piece of movement that felt so relatable. Come to find out Moonlight Sonata was composed by Beethoven in grief of the loss of love due to his social status. Which what he didn’t attain was in the end the reason why he was deemed unworthy which a classical piano piece well known inspired by defeat. Which makes me see the beauty that comes from rejection, which played randomly in a radio station I always listened to that same day now being introduced to this song “Not a Damn Thing Changed” by Lukeas Graham that made me look back at those that I once saw as leaving behind in guilt, chose to stay behind by their biased perception which uses Moonlight Sonata as inspiration to the music composer. Where those who in their perception they perceive through their entitlement feel that the small part in my journey that had no relevance is payment enough to get credit for what they already see as success, , that the hope for change that now lost as once beacons as children for the hope of a better tomorrow withered away because of the people that deemed them unworthy was the reason why I deserved the cruelty, that in their act of punishment in their resentment hurts me because of the things they refuse to resolve, that the happiness they think stems from money and acceptance is fighting for your self respect where it’s impossible for them since they were crucified by the mistakes of the path that those who already deemed them as unworthy will always see them that way as they are the example they avoid that in our world is getting close to the bottom of the barrel, that those same people looked the same way by a higher tax bracket, that this attempt to make change was not inspired by the things that I fought in my injustce assuming the reasons why that are far from the reality of how things played out, that in their self preservation in the attempt to emotionally protect themselves are the same things from those monsters we faced together both fearful but with the hope to become heroes that became villains in their attempt to just put food on the table by those not willing to give them a chance. That those who died by self infliction that communities keep silent is the things we don’t want to admit to, because being ignorant keeps us safe is the reason why stereotypes are the injustices used in abuse of power. That the emotional pain I now have isn’t because of what they believe which is the hurt they inflict in me, because in their act of self preservation from the nothing they feel that they were believed to be is pain the grief that we shared in the death of one of those we were close to. Because the place I cherished so much regardless of the stigmas, continued to save me in the kindness, the compassion, the hope that due to social norms will never be enough for those who kept me going now defeated wait for better days, which in death unknown is the only way they will ever escape their heartbreak and pain. Which is why regardless of the result is the altruism most needed today is the selfless act of compassion and forgiveness all in the sake of those who in pain gain peace and confidence to fight for another day.

The Perception of a Bind Eye – The plague of Emotional Social Disease Called Narcism

There is a lot of things that I realized post journey are distorted views of things. I also am convinced that the reason a blind eye is turned is due our distorted perceptions on what we perceive to be truth that in that attempt to gain a better life. There are too many to count and their are so many ways this can go, but one thing that everyone assumes to be truth is the interminable variables the situations can go in our own view of what success of what success looks to us. In entitlement and border line narcism which characters in narcissist show a distorted value of how they view themselves which is inferior and what they do when the truth is revealed. They know how to manipulate people based on their insecurities and know how to play people perfectly, which normally is associated with drug addicts and people in low income situations that in end results to an absence of gratitude. Another things that is a misperception is self reflection which is confused with the act of living in the past” is the inability to let go of the life and happiness that once was. Rationally speaking, I understand why this is told in that sense. Those who reflect their journey so far say this acknowledging a flaw they have, self control. As when one reflects, in the unresolved emotion of lose and grief of leaving those behind that we couldn’t save, is the deterrent always of what held us back, as those now thinking in good intent as arrogant, selfish, forgetting where we came from. Which makes the community we loved and embrace our enemy as in our moments when we thrived up in the most darkest moments of our lives, lack the want to work for it. As the rise to greatness is never an easy one. Those who can’t see the bigger picture tend to be those who lose hope, as the inability is a can’t due to the hope that in those moments of hardship seem impossible. Those confuse this way of thinking as unrealistic, which becomes a personal bias that comes from the fear of failure that those unsure of themselves, which now is belittling someone’s hope, which is a undetermined variable based on the actions the individual takes to make it their truth in turn results to the undeterminable variable of the characterstics through the journey to their life imagined, due to the inflictions, the biased views of those along the way, the deceptions, the traumas, and even the bullying which all comes from those who shoot’s own unresolved demons, that another distorted act in achieving success is having it together involves not being emotional and seeming like nothing can hurt you. In the bigger scheme of things, has made those who looking down on those who see things different and find hope in the little things, become targets of those insecure, jaded, and bitter people to take things personal as the person they look down on has been underestimated which the undeterminable variables in the act of self interest have a bigger effect on how things play out in the Universe. If you really think about it, those who have admit to not having hope that are quick to get offended when you disagree with them or say something have all shown in the rapport you have had with them and the passive aggressive personal acts they have made, makes me feel that through entitlement and the distorted way we see ourselves, which some of you all regardless of how you have is an act of ungratefulness as some of you all aren’t as pretty or as special. As I want to know people’s stories and the people that I am putting in the book have all one common theme. In the moments where darkest hit and they were told by those around them they would always be in the same situation, usually the friends they gained by chance where they never reveal things about themselves to avoid judgment When someone brags about things they did or the people they rolled with I ask “What have you done that you did by yourself that was credible? Why do you think you’re incredible? Why should I be impressed by you? Which always in these now moments of their own distorted perception and their act to belittle me with the financial gains and the luxury items that they have get told “well good for you, I am happy you attained that. If you need to depend on these things to make you feel important then do you” begin to accuse me of jealousy say you are nobody either and say all this other things that at first where annoying but now comedic tell them this “I am not here trying to get validation by the things that make me important, I don’t need validation or people to make me feel valued” then start telling me why I should just kill myself for my stupid idea then hit them with their own medicine. Some will ignore me, still underestimating that I am not what I say I am and still demanding proof say assertively “if your not helping me help others or making me better” you have no use to be told what I am doing. When one final attempt to bring me down is failed I will tell them this “its obvious your a narcissist. In attempting to make me feel bad, which now I see you as desperate for attention will not phase me or stop me. That’s why your a nobody. My comeup is not based on selfish intent that you assumed based on your crappy character. My comeup helps others come up and gain understanding, a fair chance, and insight on how those I still have empathy for can’t deal with real life as their act to feel inferior is caused by someone who did the same. You haven’t affected me anyway to stop. You have no influence to change your mind. And the only reason why this ugly fat peasant isn’t affected by your ignorance, because while your too busy trying to hurt me, I am using this experience which helps me help people like you that will never admit they need help can have comfort on their own time frame, gain understanding. And while you are insulting me, I only tell you what I observe to rebuttal your insults with the actions. In your codependency in things and people and how not having these things that hurt you when you don’t get has people being your friend out of their convenience.” While you think you’re the coach, you’re really just the player which I am not choosing to be right or wrong. In the attempt to justify why I am wrong I just say “why are you justifying this if your not this as you made it clear I am nothing? Your embarrassing yourself in the nobody by forcing me to hear why your not that person you claim?

There is a lot of things that I realized post journey are distorted views of things. I also am convinced that the reason a blind eye is turned is due our distorted perceptions on what we perceive to be truth that in that attempt to gain a better life. There are too many to count and their are so many ways this can go, but one thing that everyone assumes to be truth is the interminable variables the situations can go in our own view of what success of what success looks to us. In entitlement and border line narcism which characters in narcissist show a distorted value of how they view themselves which is inferior and what they do when the truth is revealed. They know how to manipulate people based on their insecurities and know how to play people perfectly, which normally is associated with drug addicts and people in low income situations that in end results to an absence of gratitude. Another things that is a misperception is self reflection which is confused with the act of living in the past” is the inability to let go of the life and happiness that once was. In the bigger scheme of things, has made those who looking down on those who see things different and find hope in the little things, become targets of those insecure, jaded, and bitter people to take things personal as the person they look down on has been underestimated which the undeterminable variables in the act of self interest have a bigger effect on how things play out in the Universe.


Rationally speaking, I understand why this is told in that sense. Those who reflect their journey so far say this acknowledging a flaw they have, self control. As when one reflects, in the unresolved emotion of lose and grief of leaving those behind that we couldn’t save, is the deterrent always of what held us back, as those now thinking in good intent as arrogant, selfish, forgetting where we came from. Which makes the community we loved and embrace our enemy as in our moments when we thrived up in the most darkest moments of our lives, lack the want to work for it. As the rise to greatness is never an easy one. Those who can’t see the bigger picture tend to be those who lose hope, as the inability is a can’t due to the hope that in those moments of hardship seem impossible. Those confuse this way of thinking as unrealistic, which becomes a personal bias that comes from the fear of failure that those unsure of themselves, which now is belittling someone’s hope, which is a undetermined variable based on the actions the individual takes to make it their truth in turn results to the undeterminable variable of the characterstics through the journey to their life imagined, due to the inflictions, the biased views of those along the way, the deceptions, the traumas, and even the bullying which all comes from those who shoot’s own unresolved demons, that another distorted act in achieving success is having it together involves not being emotional and seeming like nothing can hurt you.

If you really think about it, those who have admit to not having hope that are quick to get offended when you disagree with them or say something have all shown in the rapport you have had with them and the passive aggressive personal acts they have made, makes me feel that through entitlement and the distorted way we see ourselves, which some of you all regardless of how you have is an act of ungratefulness as some of you all aren’t as pretty or as special. As I want to know people’s stories and the people that I am putting in the book have all one common theme. In the moments where darkest hit and they were told by those around them they would always be in the same situation, usually the friends they gained by chance where they never reveal things about themselves to avoid judgment When someone brags about things they did or the people they rolled with I ask “What have you done that you did by yourself that was credible? Why do you think you’re incredible? Why should I be impressed by you? Which always in these now moments of their own distorted perception and their act to belittle me with the financial gains and the luxury items that they have get told “well good for you, I am happy you attained that. If you need to depend on these things to make you feel important then do you” begin to accuse me of jealousy say you are nobody either and say all this other things that at first where annoying but now comedic tell them this “I am not here trying to get validation by the things that make me important.

I don’t need validation or people to make me feel valued” then start telling me why I should just kill myself for my stupid idea then hit them with their own medicine. Some will ignore me, still underestimating that I am not what I say I am and still demanding proof say assertively “if your not helping me help others or making me better” you have no use to be told what I am doing. When one final attempt to bring me down is failed I will tell them this “its obvious your a narcissist. In attempting to make me feel bad, which now I see you as desperate for attention will not phase me or stop me. That’s why your a nobody. My comeup is not based on selfish intent that you assumed based on your crappy character. My comeup helps others come up and gain understanding, a fair chance, and insight on how those I still have empathy for can’t deal with real life as their act to feel inferior is caused by someone who did the same. You haven’t affected me anyway to stop. You have no influence to change your mind. And the only reason why this ugly fat peasant isn’t affected by your ignorance, because while your too busy trying to hurt me, I am using this experience which helps me help people like you that will never admit they need help can have comfort on their own time frame, gain understanding. And while you are insulting me, I only tell you what I observe to rebuttal your insults with the actions. In your codependency in things and people and how not having these things that hurt you when you don’t get has people being your friend out of their convenience.” While you think you’re the coach, you’re really just the player which I am not choosing to be right or wrong. In the attempt to justify why I am wrong I just say “why are you justifying this if your not this as you made it clear I am nothing? Your embarrassing yourself in the nobody by forcing me to hear why your not that person you claim?


“In the moment of self preservation and protection from the unknown dangers of others on the things we fight to keep, make us forget where we came from as we refuse to go back to a place that we felt unheard”

One of the most popular things in self help is having gratitude. This is a great concept and helps tremendously those who struggle to see this becomes a difficult task. I use to be the martyr that said, you have to look on the bright side of things which was a lie I told myself when I started losing hope and lost it in a false perception as the things I felt I need became what I wanted. And the things I got where the things I expected as it was always automatically given. It was always about what I felt, what was wrong with me, and burnt the bridges of some blast from the pasts that at one point they tried to point out my negativity as they were truly positive finds us back reflecting and picking the pieces of where they went wrong as those who gave me the chance, who I was the player in an attempt to get coached into positivity became adapted version as one of their flaws they always told me to be receptive to is the ability to adapt as this will put you in situations that in a humbled situation bring you to light to those with power. They were right. Which is why they apologized for the unknown resentment and jealous they gained which made them turn their back when I really needed. As their personal judgment and stereotypes of my perceived persona seemed to be of negative results turned luck, which told them this was the point where I began to find the courage to be comfortable with myself. Where people telling me your perceiving yourself as whatever negative association they claimed, which some came in to be the misery that loves company, which make it a point to everyday take a jab at bringing me down which in their false perception of their true existence and insults and the things they feel is true, that it’s wasted energy because they have no effect on me. And because they are deemed a nobody to society get used by those who think they are better than them and leave them when they have no need. Those who lost hope completely in their efforts of intended pain, regardless of what happens makes me already knowing they are way too deep, pray that they one day see reality for what they are as pre journey when are paths met, already where not liked by their friends and blamed their downfalls on others where their stories never matched and the excuses they swore I believed even when I called bullshit, never believed that I didn’t believe them saying off the wall things to gain creditability like using lineage and importance of their ancestors. Which I was like, why does it matter if your not living that lifestyle now and living in the past of someone else’s comeup? Almost falling into the trap before gaining this logic, I realized that what makes me side in reflecting is that those that chose to be left behind through their downfalls and misperceived realities of what my intention was, that was made to be true by those who wronged them in those other parties who used them for self gratification and selfish intent that they swore they wouldn’t be. Some went to the extreme both in the lost of hope and those who in self inflicted made them get a false inferiority. Regardless of the what took place, I cry because of things we hoped in childhood. Where we called out the sins of the worlds swearing we would never become those people and in biased psyche made me into something I wasn’t out of jealousy and ignorance as they only focused on the things that happened in the past that should of been that they deemed undeserving to me, as the attempt to gain acceptance was the trap that had them believe the same crap that their circles believed where all in fear have one thing they all do, avoid confrontation. As when presented with the simple solution of being firm with your boundaries and the treatment that they expect which selfish intent benefits them and jeopardizes my own wellbeing. As anyone who cares and not in desperation will never ask you to sacrifice your life for theirs. That’s what it is. Because we neglect when people put us in harms way to stop it in it’s tracks and tell them why this was wrong of them. Because when they come back, in our moment of loneliness tolerate them in as we are not comfortable with ourselves. Which results to protect ourselves degrade their situation. Which then evokes entitlement. Which through personal choice, in the entitlement the world shows, where those we look down on deserve the pain, we degrade them for our own self gratification. Because as long as it doesn’t affect us, it shouldn’t matter. And when they prove their worth to the world, we hate them for it due to our own judgments. As everything we thought was underestimated. And now making it, already assume their character as they denied our plea. Where when those chosen to make a difference, now affected by the one person who stopped change for good said fuck it. Which those who don’t affect me should be happy I am not affected. As now a self help that was general has the potential to become a rehabilitation service for those who really want to change will already have the behavioral patterns identified, the visuals of how these behaviors look, and why they never received empathy. In a world where we have little hope is when it’s revealed. They in this downfall lost themselves and became part of the problem.

The Best and Worst Case Scenario of Determination to Survive


In my life I’ve seen a lot of things occur. One of the most amazing things I’ve seen those undermined and underestimated beat the odds. At the same time I have seen to cruelty that comes when those with inflated egos full of narcasstic character and in the most dangerous sociopathic tcharacter, have seen those same individuals be taken advantage, where vulnerability is tankn advantage and those in ill intent come into the arena of life and fight fair, where in their blind perception play God and take that powerful’s force life.

Looking back at my life, I honestly have to say that I am completely happy with my life. I did a lot in the short time I lived. I have professional experience to fill up a resume with the modeling, the fashion designing, the public speaking, the painting, the furniture making, the interior design, the syling, the training, along with the professional experiences I have been blessed with in my lifetime that actually paid the bills. Shit writing is one that is slowly but surely taking off.. Even MMA fighting would of been one that paid the bills, if my family didn’t take me out of it if I didn’t get my ass whooped by a bigger bitch. Shit we were friends for a quiet a long time until her demise. Which is what inspired this blog to begin with. One of the things I’ve learned in this new psychology venture that I am excited to start classes in the fall with is that once you mastered the psychology within yourself, theories that other known psychologist talk about is the metaphysical psychology that those meet. If it wasn’t for that discovery most recently, I would see my dreams as just that. Where last nights dream, one that made me relive some of my days prior to my college journey as teenager introduce me to my ride or die that started off as an enemy with. As her family requested to have her annonymous as they are still after 15 years are still attempting to get justice back for her slain daughter by a man who started with great intention, killed her in the act of jealousy, insecurity, and an inflated ego. Where because of his family roots, backed up by money and good name, leaver her death still unjustified. And had me in a dream take it as a sign to let it out to the Universe again so Karma can catch up with the unfinished work she hasn’t completed.


I still practice like I was still training for MMA. It helps gather my thoughts and organizes the cluster fuck of thoughts in my head. Driving does the same thing, which is why I choose to Uber. One of the many things that I think about when I spare alone is the many guys in my life who resulted to physical intimidation that played victim when their effect of their cause was an asskicking that deflated the ego they once had. Which brought me to the idea that I know my fate will end up coming in that moment that someone feels they are God. That’s the reality in the world we live in. One of the lessons I learned from my coach, my beloved late Uncle Mike , was that “you must be aware and prepared as best you can for the threats that come your way” which doesn’t surprise me as he was a United States Marine Corp at one time. Unfortunately he got dishonorably discharged for something he never talked about. An action that he was instructed to do that he refused to sell his soul to the devil for. That’s another thing, there are bad apples and corrupt souls in organizations that we tend to turn our heads on and follow blindly. Which is why the “do your research” from those biased ignorant minds don’t phase me at all. Little do they neglect to realize is that everyone has a public record, even the elite. In being a rational truth seeker, those resources are given in the sake of fighting justice. Just because it doesn’t come out on a police report or a credit report, the two things we as a society count on to gain acceptance, doesn’t mean that the rest of what happens is not public. Everything these days is public. Depending on the purpose self ratified preservation or the the act of justification, the backstory will tell you exactly where those intentions of a individual lie.


While evoking my MMA spirit animal, Rhonda Rowsey, which I am a huge fan of by the way. Made me think back to some of my poor yet glory days when I started at 16 years old as a way to protect myself from the bullies a out of the box child brings their way. What could of started as an ill act to protect myself the only way I thought and be introduced to an invigorating art that made me become more humble (as many do this to inflate their ego more) made me think about my slain friend. Which started as a romance from a fairy tale to the manipulation of his family, then in his moment of narcissism turned socialpathic behavior, killed my friend because of the upbringing that she came from, making her noble family still in grief and in more conflict as this family used all their power to prevent this family from rising from the ashes a unfair fight for their survival. Although they at the bottom of the barrel fight for survival, I have to admire them; they played the cards that were handed to them phenomenally. Talking to my slain sister (as everyone close becomes family) brought so many great memories and a grieving session on both parts. She was a remarkable woman. She would of been someone who would of made it when MMA actually became a sport. We also talked about the unfair fight that was her last moments in life. Where her then husband drugged her with a date rape drug and when she fought her way through the affects and began to fight back, in his desperation stabbed her and drowned her when she still fighting for her life, hit her in the head with a object and then still fighting, drowned her in the bathtub of their home where I visited a year prior. And his family with their wealth wiped their hands clean to make their prodigal son look like she went crazy and attempted to attack him. My thought was how could she? She wasn’t that kind of person. And for a gluttonous prick now resulting to cosmetic surgery to give him the body he has now, is all a gimmick to the righteous person he claims to be.


Her family told me how proud they were of me and my sister would of been even more prouder, where if she was alive we would get back in the ring and spare having her say “don’t forget bitch, your still human. Never forget that your not invincible” which is a mantra I carry with me to this very day. You see, the determination to survive has two sides, the positive and the negative. Self preservation from the perceptions others see us can turn even the most noblest of people evil in their moment of pride. I pray for my sister’s killer till this very day as the empathy that I have for him doesn’t go away. To be proven by the world, which he lives off of his parents because of an inflated ego has to be the worst prison anyone can ever live in. Trapped by those who enable your bad behavior and the constant fight within yourself, when are you going to stop and empower yourself to rise up, before it’s too late. Because those situations of intimidation are more frequent than we want to admit. With the absence of respect and morals, it’s only a matter a time when someone will provoke you betting that your going to crack. But if you don’t care as much as you say you do, then why are you thinking about it as you read this? Every time I hear this song I think of her. We use to be deemed the “party girls”. This one is for you my female Torro. Hope your swinging from the chandelier of heaven with that smile I miss so much. How does it feel to see your seeing your little sister in this big bad world swinging from the chandelier with these tears as they dry. XOXO


Blind in Rose Colored Glasses – The Absence in Empathy in a Blind Perception

I will be the first to admit that prior to writing “The Journey of an Unraveled Road” I was still had another pair of rose colored glasses on. I was woke but still not understanding the full meaning of this all. In the book, I also say “I’m still learning and open to getting the answers deemed emotionally worthy to get” which pre-journey I would of cried like an entitled child saying life is over like finding out that there’s no Santa Clause. People who truly get it say “Wait? There’s no Santa Clause?” and ends up in laughter telling me the story when they find out there was no Santa Clause. Some comedic and some tragic. But when we travel down the rabbit hole together, they share something far more intimate, the day they took off the rose colores glasses. Some I identified with in every detail. And in those I had no experience with, I just shut the fuck up and listened. That’s one thing I quote in the book. Sometimes you have to shut the fuck and listen.

Sometimes you have to shut the fuck up and listen.

Frieda Lopez – Journey of an Unraveled Road 2019

Spoiler alert. This blog will end up being part of the follow up book so you know, but far much more detail including the accounts of the stories of those that pre-journey I would of been a horrible cunt to. Devaluing their journey and compare theirs to mine, also quoting that the poor can be the biggest narcissist in the absence of the things life didn’t financially afford them. As the most injustice the people I come from can be capable of doing is perceiving that fortune and fame is the end all and solve problem in life. Where many who have experienced where Lady Luck acted prematurely and Karma is rushing her ass through the motions to make it as right as she can, leave those on top with the worst problems anyone can ever encounter, being absolute in their loneliness where having it all means not having it all, as finding genuine people who actually give a shit about you is as hard as finding sanitation supplies in our current era of COVID.

I first encountered the song “Anyone” by Demi Lovato before writing the book back in 2019. I don’t even remember how I ended up getting my hands on this song then. I want to say that it was a demo of this song that I ended up coincidentally hearing in my many pendejadas that was my self destructive ways dealing with the pains that I was desperately trying to come to terms with that I thought I resolved. When I first heard this song, I broke down and cried. As my lawsuit to try to fight for my lawsuit to get the self respect and the dignity I lost during the time that I was sexually assaulted, harassed, discriminated, and retaliation. Carrie Underwood said it best when the tears come down in “Cry Pretty”. The second time I heard it in the beginning of 2020 I said “damn Demi, you fucken get it”. Today hearing it yet again during my Uber driving after helping someone two rides ago that didn’t want to go through with reporting the sexual assault which I respected and gave them the information they needed and the encouragement that in their own time, they will do it. However giving her the message that try to gain the courage before the deadline to prevent the person from hurting someone else again. After driving my nurse passenger who confided in the pain she had and the fears she has that her family all works in the medical field, after my encouraging words and heading to find more rides, the song came on again on Apple Music Radio. In the middle of nowhere on the service road, I had to pull over as the tears came down yet again. Not because of pain I have. Child, I’ve resolved that most recently back ago. I cried because not only because of what happened in my previous rides, but because I could truly hear in Demi Lovato’s voice the pain that I neglected to hear in the mist of my own adversity. In that same moment, I texted to talked a Instagram post sent directly to Demi Lovato with the song saying the following. Why even quote it when you can actually read it:

Billie Ellish is another amazing talent that I admire. In my book I pay homage to all the artist both starving and thriving and thanking them for the vulnerability they exhibit through their form of expression (Billie Ellish, I see you. I discovered you pre journey but your fucken amazing by the way). To not be able to express yourself as communicative person but be able to express your pain in the form of painting, composing, music, architecture, and all the many ways artist express themselves is truly captivating. If you really notice any form of art work regardless if it’s visual or audio, you can decipher the raw emotion someone feels. Why do you think so many people get drawn to certain pieces, like certain music, express themselves in certain fashion styles, because this is the passive aggressive way we can communicate how we truly feel. Why do you also think so many artist are for the most part happy? But the truth is that when those amazing artist gain fame and fortune, those who admire them tend to forget that they not only put their pants one leg at a time, that they also feel pain in more ways we can ever imagine. Because like Billie Ellish when the parties over, no one who actually gives a shit about our wellbeing is ever around. Because in narcissistic tendency, don’t give a shit except for what benefits them directly.

The first thing that people feel when someone comes up is jealousy and rage. The first question that people ask themselves to determine their own self worth is “What makes her so special?” Coming from someone who is not even B rated yet will tell you exactly how it is. There is nothing special that separates me from you and I. Timing, determination, and consistency along with pain, struggle, heartbreak, tragedy, deception, rock bottom is the only thing that separates my come up as small as it may be to those who have the habit of degrading me already. The reward of getting my voice heard was not a cheap price to pay either. The lost of those who I valued the most was the most consequential price to pay as those who I valued that held a special place in my heart had to be left behind by their blind perception. Becoming toxic in their own envy and making me into a person that I truly wasn’t. Out of the pains that I still live with to this very day is the lost of the people I cherished the most that are still living. Little do they know is that they helped me get here, and even if they know it will never truly appreciate the gratitude I have for them if I let them back in. Selena Gomez expressed it best in the song “Lose You to Love Me” as in order for me to love myself I have to cut the ties with those who have selfish intentions as many people on the bottom that choose to stay on the bottom, will never be happy for you because they aren’t happy for themselves. This is why I stand true to my mantra “I am not in the business of being no ones hero. The only one that can save you, is yourself.”

“I am not in the business of being no ones hero. The only one that can save you, is yourself.”

Frieda Lopez – Journey of an Unraveled Road 2019

Those haters that still to this very day think they have some sort of affect on me (Narcissist much) talk shit in my writing style saying why are you talking to people like they are going to answer? You’ll never get an answer. The ugly truth to their misconception through their narcissistic perception is this is what in the communications that I personally get is what separates me from all other writers. In that moment that like Demi Lovato expresses in “Anyone” is the answers that those who feel like they aren’t being heard feel like they are finally being heard. When they read the thought process in my words turn to phrases they see the genuine understanding that I have been gifted to share, regardless if I don’t understand. Being empathetic or as others who give me too much credit reference me as an “empath” gifts me the ability to not only walk in someone’s shoes but genuinely feel their pain. Those who respect me get it. Those who are narcissist will tell me what they think I want to hear and when it’s time to face the mirror, deflect everything that I know they feel causing them to have an emotional outburst in their fear and their rage that someone is calling them out how they are. They also gain empathy when they show that they are done playing me like the violin they think I am and sincerely get the help they need. Another thing that people don’t realize is that I will always have empathy for people, I will never gain a complete attachment to people as I already know that in life people come and go. I am not being cruel or negative, but truth is human nature will always show otherwise. Human nature and the inability to respect someones boundaries is what keeps us as a whole separated. As with me letting people know what my boundaries are, where they stand, and when they cross them has repeatedly shown that in self motive, they will get away with as much they can to attain personal gratification. But the unfortunate thing about self gratification is that it’s the want we are trying to fulfill, never what we need. In this day in age we are always after what we want and never appreciative of what we need. And until then at that moment when you can appreciate the things that you need, happiness begins. And that is when the universe will begin giving you what you want, as consistency in being good person with no bias judgement is when you have earned it. Which today, is the day like One Republic expresses in their newest song “Wanted” in my favorite line in the entire song “She said, I’m counting up my Karma and I think it’s time to cash it in” with all the things that Ive done, I have to absolutely positively agree as well.

Growing Into Rational Power – Retrospective

One of the many Marvel films which is one of my favorite is “Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse” for various reasons. Critics will say otherwise, but fiction is the most relative forms of storytelling anyone can relate to. The reason is because it’s fiction. Taking a stab at fiction writing in The Rideshare Chronicles has made me understand why. Now that you understand my logic, let me go back to the reason why this animated movie is my favorite. We all identify Spider-Man as the one and only. but Miles Morales is just part of a contradiction to the one and only Spider-Man as an alternate universe version of Peter Parker comes into the picture along the various versions like Gwen, Peni, Peter Porker, and Spider-Man Noir all with a different back story, but the same purpose. With the ending message that anyone can wear the mask, which although we don’t come from alternate universes, we all came from a different backstory some with a similar purpose. In hindsight, working together and learning from one another, could make the the change we feel hopeless in seeing, can ultimately become a reality.


Marvel 2018

There are many that will take my journey as me trying to prove a biased point without taking any interest of reading the piece of literature that I wrote. I can’t blame them. After all, we all have read pieces that force a bias point of view to the reader. In the intent to question my own purpose I’ve also had close friends say “I can’t believe people listen to your psycho Babel” which I take no offense. It doesn’t hurt me at all. It evoked empathy as this is proof that a glimmer of hope I saw in them vanish through adversity. I realize that narcissism is the way we as society have been conditioned to turn to in order to protect our emotional wellbeing. Contrary to what they believe I perceive them as, my changed state of mind makes me see the power they possess is being put to waste in being part of the wedge between the change we want in a world that needs it the most. My book talks about my journey and the domino effects and the ripples others pains and adversity has presented in their lives that has affected mine. Truth is we all have an effect on one another. If you reflect a time where you were wronged where someone could have stopped or prevented it from unfolding, you also will recall the iconic deflective statement “there’s nothing I could have done” which might not prove true in a bigger scale, but false in a smaller one. That if we humble ourselves and stop putting our defenses up, would realize in adversity, we are never alone. We might come from different origins, but some of us if not all of us share the same pain. Which if you truly think about takes the “we are in it together” for a whole other level.

Today’s author interview for a local publication made me realize something that after hearing every other persons backstory and how they came to success brought out one important similarity, they all possessed humbled intent. Knowing some of them pre journey and being blessed to meet them post-journey not even realizing their adversity shed something that I realized we all shared, coming to terms with adversity within ourselves. We all struggled through knowing ourselves as the perceptions we saw for ourselves contradicted what life threw at us. Another thing we all did is we stopped living g in our past and the perceptions that unfolded our current situations and truly started playing the cards we were dealt. One of the most inspiring stories was a classmate who ended up being an amputee which resulted him losing both legs and the life he made from himself post journey. I always said that as long as I was mobile I’d be fine. Which makes me look up to him as a person for beating the ultimate odds and fighting the big fight. We always take for granted things until their gone. But it’s okay, it’s human nature. We always have a choice in life. It’s up to the person themselves to make the choices for themselves. It’s not easy I know this. But it’s worth it cause your worth it. I get a lot of criticism about my positive outlook. I can give two shits. Those who see it that way are the real pessimist in this world. Because if you think any form of positivity that people have that doesn’t fit your standards says that maybe your the toxic person. That maybe just maybe you might be a narcissist.

The Fall of Humanity – The Deception of Our Own Demise



We all get involved in our own worlds. In the rat race that we all engage in, it’s easy for one to think that the world is rainbow and gumdrops. Sure we all have our own problems. As long as it doesn’t affect us, we don’t tend to flinch. But what if I told you there is something that has the ability to hinder the existence of humanity and life on the planet. Yeah, you will say I’m crazy, but truth is as we sit back and ride out COVID, there is a bigger threat to us as we speak, climate change. As the melting ice caps have just led to the discovery of 28 new ancient viruses and the ice that melts in Alaska has a means to cause a worldwide mercury poisoning that can end life on the planet as we know it.

https://www.popularmechanics.com/science/health/a30643717/viruses-found-melting-glacier/


https://www.adn.com/arctic/2018/02/06/the-arctic-is-full-of-toxic-mercury-and-climate-change-is-going-to-release-it/


Many of us don’t recognize this as this was made to not be an important matter in the current Presidency. I don’t have nothing against Trump at all, but the lack of the ripple that biology plays in our existence is a danger more catastrophic that could ever be omitted. Seeing behavioral patterns within people all in the sake of self preservation is a fate that we as people shouldn’t fall in. It makes you wonder if those behaviors shown to be traits of a narcissist is something that is truth. I’m not saying that anyone’s a narcissist, but in the sake of protecting ourselves, narcissism is a conditioned behavior that becomes the gateway to bad behaviors that omits the accountability one has caused an entire population. Lying to ourselves, demonizing someone’s good intent isn’t going to make a problem go away. It’s those who bring it to our attention peacefully is the allies that hold our best interest. To be ahead of the game, we have to be proactive of those threats. It doesn’t take one person, it takes a group truly being in something together peacefully is what makes change. I’ll never give up in having hope but it takes more then a few of us to help make positive change in the world. To the Grettas and others who courageously attempt to make that change, I commend you. At the rate we are going, who knows how our fate will end? I will say this? I have the faith that change for the greater good will occur sooner than we expect.

Silence of our True Self – Testing Your Inner Self


Today I was asked two important questions after selling a book to a Motivational Guru which ultimately was the reason why he bought my book “Journey of an Unraveled Road” which were the following:

Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good right at this moment regardless if you knew right now the hope for change in mind kind didn’t exist?

Would you have compassion for someone who against your own beliefs and in their attempt to purposely cause you harm in the sake of inflicting you pain and doubt?

To both, I answered confidently, yes with the reason that in the attempt of no hope, the domino effects that caused me to gain this insight with gratitude, would hope the ripple of my actions despite of fate I would face, would someday give those in the moment of lost despair would give them the courage to rise in a rational mindset, the ability to stand up for others fairly and equality without allowing personal opinion interfere with the act of doing what’s right for the greater good. He said I reminded him of a super hero that he couldn’t put his finger on. For 15 minutes on a 22 minute ride to airport, he looked up at me and wept and confessed something that I’ve heard from one of my closest friends, I know refer to as Oz and said “I thought I forgave my parent for the pain they caused, but I have to learn how to forgive them the noble way” which I replied “I’m still learning my friend as there is always a better way to go about it, I’m just sharing what I learned to help me get to where I am at currently.” When I helped him get his luggage from the trunk and as he looked down at my custom Converse he said “you’re the real life Wonder Woman” and my reply simply was “I’m no hero, I’m just someone in the pain of life was made to see the pain as beauty as the most beautiful stones that show their layers and colors have been beaten by the rapids through time” which he said “there so much I still need to learn.”

DC 1997

Wonder Woman is my favorite DC character for many reasons, ultimately because she puts her moral strength to the test and stands up for all regardless of her personal judgement. When people compare me to her, I feel I’m being “over glorified” as I never meant to be labeled a hero. The main Wonder Woman theme called “Wonder Woman’s Wrath” is a beautifully orchestrated piece. When we think of wrath, we think “all the hate” one feels. In many cases that’s the truth. In this piece, it’s the justices of the voices she defends as in the first movie, was the motivation she used to beat Hates due to the psychological manipulation he caused to create the war. “Journey of an Unraveled Road” was Frieda’s Wrath. Through my story, reflects the pieces of others pains and the ripples those pains caused within the people that were directly involved in my life. To be able to see this has truly been a blessing.

People have taken offense to some of the things that I’ve mentioned about narcissism. Taking it personal means you need some work. I truly feel that everyone is good, just off track. I feel people deserve redemption as long as they are making an effort to gain it. I feel that people don’t mean to be narcissistic, it’s the only way to protect yourself from others. But there is always a way, an easier way which is holding those accountable when they cross your boundaries. Respect is something that’s shifted through time. Getting back to basics is something I feel society needs. If we made the effort to just put personal feelings aside, I feel that ultimately we could learn from one another. Another favorite movie of mine is Breakfast at Tiffany’s and the theme song “Moon River” as it says one thing that holds true to real life “we are all after the same”. In my opinion what that same is, is to be happy and to be loved. And being receptive to others instead of taking things personal, we all have that chance to get there. We just got to try.

Growing Into Rational Power – Self Improvement


When I was kid, I remember I was asked in many different situations to see the type of character I was developing was “what do you wish for people both people you know and people that are strangers” and my answer was “I everyone to be happy and have good things happen to them.” Many called me a dreamer and many others call me a dreamer. As an adult, I still feel the same way, however not the naive little girl I was I realize that the only ones that can achieve that are each and every individual. In a world perceived to be a place of equal opportunity and what you put into it has only partial truth. As social norms have deemed “perception” to be the key indicator of any opportunities that come our way. “Journey of an Unraveled Road” both gaining positive feedback and negative feedback is just that book. It says the things we want to say that we can’t say. It paints the picture of motives and actions by the people who knew better with only one difference that most people who “victimize themselves” doesn’t include. It contains the forgives, the compassion, and the empathy I continue to have for those trapped in the pursuit of perfect self perception. One of the things that I been talking about in my personal post is the act of “abusing power” and the entitlement that comes with it. In hindsight, seeing this action play out in real time and seeing these individuals become something much more dangerous than when it occurred in the past “bullying” along with “self involvement” is the gateway to one of the two deadliest sins that can affect both parties. Pride and wrath. Which leads me to a glimpse of a much more serious situation that we tend to assume righteous intent. The perception that in “pride” and “abuse of power” can make the most noblest of religious leaders become a devil in a Sunday hat.

We live in a world where we accept everything in face value and for the sake of our own protection, we cannot continue this type of behavior, especially in the world we engage in. I always say to take into consideration to gain compassion in someone’s background. But on the flip side, you must also do this for the protection of yourself and the protection of the ones you love. The most destructive guilts to carry is the guilt that many have when they allow these dangers in only to prey on those innocent, which is why guilty by association is a conviction that we cannot omit. The outcome of this which I know many of you say as I’ve said this to myself many times “how can anyone omit the compassion they have for their own blood” and ultimately the result I have observed is this specific guilt that burdens their utmost existence. Which makes them even more self involved to avoid the pains it come with, making those in blood suffer even further, infecting them with the same character. Leaving them in much more guilt and conviction of the things they neglect to take action on. Coming into the path of a well respected Pastor’s daughter was the most toughest pill to swallow. As my own perception’s of this were put to rest and the truths that are hard to take in (even post journey) are hard to swallow. In the presence of pride, entitlement, and the abuse of power, it can make someone dedicated to know better and act on it not only cause emotional pain, but physical pain and jail time. It makes those commit adultery and in the presence of unresolved emotional traumatic conflict, even sexual assault to both adults and to children. But in light of pride and entitlement, those traumas can never be resolved due to the Super Ego stating otherwise.


I am going to be the first to say that in most recent events I was deemed a racist regarding the opinion of the image on the Quaker Oats label Aunt Jemiama represented. People said do your research, I have. People said change your thought process, I cannot. The underlying truth is I get it. It’s offensive. It pisses me off too. It’s not right and it’s degrading. However to remove a ethnic figure, which Uncle Ben is the only one remaining which if made to be offensive will also be removed in this era. Do what makes you feel comfortable. No one can take away your feeling and has no right to do so either. But the truth is in a world where the actions of prejudice, stereotyping, and discrimination is still actively present in a Corporate American where biased backgrounds and other non-ethic norms are pre-dominate, it’s hard to not believe this is an intention through another social behavior caused by unknown parties to intentionally cause conflict referred to as “brick and protest” where going deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole reveals the intent of “psychological manipulation” where those parties bet on self involved individuals to push for something that turns to a movement of justice with the interior motive for power is the main indicator. Which in the busiest week of Uber, was again brought to my attention by a politician (may be existing and may be previous) that shared some concerns of what the cataclysmic impact this would have as they also pointed out that minority representation is slowly but surely being removed in many American branded advertising, media, and other American coined representation that having a minor in psychology says is a tactic for subliminal messaging of America being all White based.

Worrying about this prior to the revelation, I was deemed a conspiracist and starting to sort of believe and accept it as my truth. The reality is, it’s not far fetched and if you recall interactions with people who have proven to be manipulators, always have a way of making you believe your in the wrong only to find out the hidden intention. I reference this action as “pulling a Judas” which if you really stop and think about it, serves to be truth. Because the Judas of the world have a way of making it seem like a bigger cause, celebrate you when you agree, and when you pull out of that mindset, are never to be found again. Why I know I am not a Judas? Because at the end of the day, I am not going to crucify you for finding out an outcome on your own terms. Free will was made for us to make our own choices and learn from them. I celebrate opinions and other points of views. It helps me see things differently and gives me far much more insight of the things I have no understanding of due to my own life experience. How do I determine if your not pulling a “Judas” on me? I will be open to feedback, ask you questions, present my rebuttals, and work to show you my true character leaving insult out of the picture. Pointing out behaviors will be my course of action omitting insult and Super Ego. If I have committed these actions, I will take accountability. Where I stop the rapport is when you immediately demonize me to make me into someone I am not, trying to manipulate me into thinking that this is who I am. I know myself well enough to know I have no negative intention. I make mistakes. But unlike those who crucify and demonize those mistakes, there is always redemption when I see that self interest is out of the picture.

I reuse this quote as I feel this is most appropriate, especially in this time in the Black Live Matters Movement. In my life experience as a child I was always told to never say you are nothing but “Mexican” growing up. Being nothing but Mexican brought internal racial segregation within the Latin community. In my lifetime, it’s always been who’s the better Latin decent where the face off against Mexican, Cuban, Brazilian, Puerto Rican, amongst every other Latin heritage on which culture is the best has been a conviction I lived with my whole life in a big city with a small town feel like San Antonio is. Houston, TX was the first time I could embrace the many faces of my ethnic background including my French heritage. After doing a DNA analysis to determine my background, I am more diverse than I gave myself credit for. It’s a beautiful thing if you stop and think about it, which is why skin color is just a perception of what we identify with. At the end of the day, we all come from immigrants, where in America, Native Americans or as history refers to all indigenous people as “nomads” were the original G’s to be truly American. This is our base of existence. When did we become so disrespectful to our greatest of great grandparents. If you deny that, then you need to either do your “research” and get on Ancestory.com so you can become more intone with yourself. One of the most ironic moments I encountered with a love interest after my ex-fiancee who screamed “machismo and sociopathic (sociopathic tendencies are also part of social norm self preservation by the way) ended up attempting to make me feel stupid for saying we all come from immigrants. Why this passive aggressive white power persona would be attracted to a strong a proud Latina? I am not even going to try to figure that out, it’s irrelevant at this point. Since he bragged about money and what he had, I convinced him in his pride if he claimed this, he shouldn’t have a problem paying for the inquiry and fee associated with Ancestory.com, which he paid for. In his moment where he was positive that he was all Caucasian decent, revealed the same reaction I had when I found out there was no Santa Clause. Which showed that in his perception of what African American, Cherokee, and Arabic should be perceived as, showed that almost 48% of his DNA was all the races he resented due to conditioned stigmas of his lifetime. The most heartbreaking was when he realized that his ancestory only included 22% Irish decent which at that moment in his rage caused him to learn what happens when you attempt to physically harm a third degree black belt with special forces combat training my late Uncle Mike taught me just in case I ever was in danger. My heart broke more for him that day. The perceptions he had for himself all disappeared that day which I had no gratification of. He’s had a tough life as it was. Truth of the matter is I was hoping to be proven wrong. But I also believe things happen for a reason. Things happen depending on how you see things, come to light to help us move forward, to make us better, to humble us. That’s what my journey was all about. We still talk and coming into power, he’s getting his life together and pursing the things he doubted himself about. The call came from the backlash of my Facebook post. Where when I answered the phone he said “I told you you were low key racist” which we both laughed about. He reassured me which only a little of that was needed, made me get back on track. After we caught up and made plans to see one another for dinner when time and this pandemic permits said “please make sure you stay away from these fucktards” which I said “don’t be a judgey dick.” One of the things that made me emotional was when he said “that is what makes you different. That is what makes you original. That is why you saved me in a way no-one else could, not because you have the desire to be right. Because you actually give a shit about the pain people hold.” Truth is I never intended it to be that way. When we live in a world where the world where life hands us an array of sad songs, we can either take it in face value or making a sad song better. The utmost Swan Song for me in this journey is non other than The Beetles “Hey Jude” as no matter what comes my way and how hard it comes my life purpose is to make those things that we take bad, take that sad song and make it better. Not just for me, but for the sake of the human condition. Because maybe one day, all the things that I’ve done will help those in a bigger scheme. Where those that it”s already helped has proven that my job has already been accomplish.

Apathy from The Silence of Other’s True Self



My dad always told me never to cry in front of people as it is a sign of weakness. On the flip side, when my dad would acknowledge I was at the brink of breakdown, regardless of his personal feelings, he would sit down to ask me what was wrong and in encouraging me to talk it out, would say in the midst of tears “it’s okay to cry it out. It cleanses the soul my dragonfly.” Today I cried not because of what’s happening in my life. Mind you, my dad is recovering and attempting to gain back his emotional strength to get somewhat back to his hold self post stroke, my great aunt in physical pain found ended up finding growth in areas of her internal body that she neglected to consider, my grandmother figuring out how to help both of them without feeling remorse or guilt, and I just trying to keep their spirits up while finding ways to help out more in this family financially. These are challenges I gladly accept that empathetic, doesn’t deteriorate me personally. These are not my battles regardless of what they may perceive in their grief. I can offer emotional support, I can be empathetic, but I cannot take full accountability for what they are experiencing. In the end, they each have to gain the empowerment to battle their own fight. They got this, I know they do.

In hindsight, the pain, the regret, the resentment, the grief, and everything that comes with it is what breaks my heart initially.The fortunate thing for them is they have someone living with them that can help them rationally figure things out, weight the options, and rationally overcome the negative feelings that comes with these situations. The reason why I cried was because these emotions that come with when the chips are down is what I have seen throughout my return home from the big city of Texas; Houston, TX. What caused the water works were a few rides I transported to their destinations in a moment of defeat and a moment of shame, that caused them to beat themselves up. Ignoring the underlying issues of the current events of our COVID era, the violence happening around the country, and the pains they carry that they don’t realize makes them feel they never will gain redemption as this COVID era as my earlier passenger brought up that I realized “it’s a luxury to make it as an elder in this time of age”. Feeling this sorrow in people already pre pandemic and now feeling it more and more in everyone, like Sam Fischer’s “This City”, the city feeling more and more lonelier as death knocks on random doors more frequently, my home, this city really has broken my heart.



I have mentioned before that we neglect to look at things in hindsight and that we disregard the journey others have endured amid ours. Self involvement is one of social norms worst qualities gained that hinders the emotional evolution of each individual. In the assumption that we gain, based on the stereotype and the background we grow up with, we neglect to acknowledge that some of us began in hardship. We assume the persona of those who have made it and those who haven’t yet. We ignore economical factors that each individual had to work with, quoting my book “we play the hand that we are dealt to the best of our ability”. Some of us are able to go “all in” and bluff our way through life, while other’s can’t even if they tried. Not everyone has it easy. Their are some who work harder, fight harder, and were conditioned to be stronger. Many of these people are the individuals who come to America as immigrants and work hard, putting blood, sweat, and tears into building a better life. The thing that we don’t even bother to ask when we are self involved is their story. Truth is in doing just that, we can find so much to already be grateful for. America based on stories from both American born and immigrants is probably one of the most entitled and unappreciative countries the world has ever encountered. Why do you think so many countries don’t like us? With the social norm of “self-involvement” and the “if it doesn’t affect me, it doesn’t matter” is probably one of the most ignorant qualities we can have as people. I am not going to blame anyone for having this mentality because we are fortunate enough not to have experience some of the things others have, but doesn’t mean that other countries have the same mentality.

Those who rise up are in jeopardy of gaining this mentality no matter where you are. It takes the individual to change that mentality. Like many who have been kind enough to share, running water, hot water, electricity, and the many fast and convenient food choices are a luxury for Americans. Even attending school is a luxury as many immigrants depending on financial status are lucky enough to make it past elementary school. COVID shined some light on the realities of our existence, where safety supplies are scarce and hard to come by. As nature begins to show it’s fury and heaven forbid another pandemic, which history has shown get worst and worst occur, what if these become luxuries to us? What happens if things become so scarce that only a certain tax brackets can afford this? What if corrupt power gains the oval office able to psychologically manipulate the minds of those in Senate? What if the things we take for granted and the things we overlooked become something that happens in post apocalyptic scenarios on screen and in literature? With the discrediting, the underestimating, the devaluing, the degrading, the stereotyping we do to survive a world where we can’t determine people’s intentions; what if we burned so many bridges that in a more grimm world, we are truly left to fend for ourselves? Those who deny this neglect to know that living on the grid, it only takes one person in power to flip the switch and leave us left to fend for ourselves. Which brings me to the journey of someone left anonymously for many valid reasons which even has them under an alias associated with a government employer that in a irrational and emotional outburst from powers above, can happen at any given moment as our technology based world can be turned off by one switch.



Some of the things that we take for granted is some things that are within ourselves. This is probably one of the biggest injustices I have committed to myself throughout my lifetime. Intuition, something that we all possess is one of the most important things that we can’t ever take for granted. How many of us have been in the situation that something tells us to do something and we talk ourselves out of doing it? These are the things that we will never get back into finding out how things might have turned out. We can’t live in regret when we do this. The reason being is that it already happened, it’s time to move forward, but ultimately it’s because we were not emotionally ready to deal with the outcome that could of occurred. If you think about it, organic fear is something that is something we cannot ever deny. Organic fear is an animal instinct that we have that protects us from the things we know is going to go wrong. On the flip side, inorganic fear which is the fear that is ruled by our own bias based on life experience, the outcomes, and the feeling we gained within those experiences. It also includes the fear that others have conditioned us to have that are not from our own decision making, but the fear from others who have experienced the outcome. This holds true to everything we encompass within ourselves. We underestimate ourselves way too often based on someone else’s grandiose opinion. Truth of the matter is, when we do gain that power it’s in the most negative form we can ever possess, filled with rage, anger, and resentment. We all are in jeopardy of doing this and in the end, we come at ourselves sideways. Everything I gained in this journey came in trial and tribulation. Does it mean it was easy, hell no. Does that mean I should share it with the world? You’re damn fucken right! Life was hard but not harder than others have had.I worked hard, but not harder than others. Did my pain matter? Not to those who I didn’t directly affect, but it did matter to those who were more pained.

 

Truth is when you’re faced with adversity and you take for granted the things you have, you fight desperately to keep it, leaving self respect and self love out the door. You result to irrational acts to gain the things you’re about to lose. I did that a couple times in the past which resulted in my own revolution. When you evolve into something powerful than those who underestimate you it’s thrilling. Where you realize that every attempt to get rid of you is their desperate attempt to get rid of a problem all in the sake of self preservation. Because those foolish enough to think they made you, realize that they contributed to something far more greater than them. That in their efforts to have you engage in their grandiose with “you need to worry about you” turned into something that can be best described in AC/DC’s Thunderstruck. “I was caught in the middle of a railroad track. I looked round. And I knew there was no turning back. My mind raced and I thought what could I do? And I knew there was no help, no help from you. Sound of the drums, beating in my heart. The thunder of guns tore me apart. You’ve been Thunderstruck”. Which through my life pre and post “Journey of an Unraveled Road”, the same feeling is something I relive everyday of my life. As more and more people stop taking themselves for granted and start seeing the bigger picture, it’s a great feeling to see as I was able to witness on my last trip just what someone who gains their power in empowerment is able to do. Again as I am a crier, the most amazing thing in life, is seeing them achieve the impossible they never imagined they could do. What that is you ask? For now, this is something between me and my rider that those in doubt will have to wait and see. I will say this, once you stop taking things for granted, including yourself humbly and selflessly is a feeling I hope everyone in life is able to experience.


Silence of Our Own True Self – Engaging In Positive True Self


I start off with a quote by one of my favorite psychologist as his ability in self reflection is impeccable. One of the things that I truly admire about him is while given the opportunity of presenting a speech during his graduation, made a last minute change that expressed his hope in humanity. While doing some searches for a table or something to copy and paste his “theory” in “The Characteristics of the Persons of Tomorrow” to be authentic to the original as they only indicate 7, which can be interpreted as biased, here are the 12 characteristics he identifies as a full functioning person and in a full functioning society:

1. An openness to both inner and outer experience

2. Rejection of hypocrisy, deceit, and double talk. Desire for authenticity.

3. A skepticism toward the kind of science and technology that has its goal the conquest of nature or the control of people

4. A desire for wholeness – Equal recognition and expression of the intellect and the emotions

5. A wish for shared purpose in life or intimacy

6. A tendency to embrace change and risk-taking with enthusiasm

7. A gentle, subtle, nonmoralistic, nonjudgmental caring

8. A feeling of closeness to, and a caring for, nature.

9. Antipathy for a highly structured, inflexible, bureaucratic institution. (He believes this should exist for the people)

10. A tendency to follow the authority form their own organic valuing process

11. An indifference toward material comforts and rewards.

12. A desire to seek a meaning in life that is greater than the individual

Unfortunately we are far from what the full functioning individual should be. I feel that in the end, social norms and the perception of worth is to blame for this.

I am very empathetic to the human condition. In my moments of reflection and the questions of what could I’ve done differently, many in their moments of “psychological manipulation” would always say “your living in the past”, which ultimately was a misperception on their part. What the motive was? If I was still in narcissistic tendency, I would be quick to say “they were hindering my progress” but now I feel it’s due to “pain and guilt by the things they caused others unintentionally” and I understand completely. Living in the past is totally different for everyone, which has many examples in my follow up book. This grief of what life use to be like keeps us from attaining true happiness as we never gain back the life we use to have and those who do tend to live a fearful life in the worst case scenario, becoming full fledge narcissist where their inferiority will never allow anyone to have a healthy relationship. Living in the past also applies to the characteristics of people. We see woolen how they use to be but people constantly change. Change happens through many factors in their life experience such as hardships they endure, adversity, milestones, treatment, love received, compassion they gain, forgiveness they receive, as well as biological and physical factors. To complicate this much less, all of the positive and negative experiences someone endure in their lifetime affects a person psychologically. Even the things we feel shouldn’t impact someone has an effect on them. The things that we do and don’t do for them, especially those in our personal life has an effect on them. Enabling behaviors also has an effect on them as well. For someone to say “people shouldn’t affect you is an ignorant statement as the human brain process everything when it comes to engaging with other human beings.

Just because you can hide it well, doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you and even if you don’t feel the effect of it now still gets stored subconsciously.Why do you think that ex of yours comes back and in those who experienced domestic violence gets worst each time you took him back. Which the fear you had for them gradually increased each time you left regardless of the emotional and physical abuse he or she used. The ripple that you experienced is a domino effect of somebody else’s treatment, which the victimized state they used to gain along with those in the same emotional state or moral standard the circle jerk of egos, that in his personal choice due to an unresolved emotional issue caused by trauma made them believe that the treatment not earned is something you owe them. Which in my small world typically results to the biased denied help by the professionals in their self righteous mindset, not being able to identify those who make the effort to change and those who make excuses to their bad behavior if with compassion would give not only the behavioral help but that psychological help needed to become fully functional. Which through their refusal to help, just engaged a loaded weapon, that in their inability to engage with adults, engages with minors with the intention of fulfilling a need they can’t attain through adult socialization. And when we live in the past of someone’s persona, will defend them in the unforgivable act of child molestation where the victim is made to be the evil one and the adult the victim. Which 2.9 million cases reported each year, which doesn’t include those cases that don’t get reported and continue throughout the child’s life. This holds true to many American households and many cases still continues as the child now losing hope early on in life will never speak up in a true traumatic case, which in my interactions through Uber and other venues that this comes up, 75% of the adult interactions have shown.

I’m sure your asking where is the positive of that scenario? The reason why I bring this example up is to paint the picture of not only what happens in living in the past, but what happens when we live in the past with people. How things ripple in the actions that we do or don’t do. Self reflection is not made for you to beat yourself like many people do, like a guy I met who would of been probably one of the besets friends I could of ever asked for. Determined, dedicated, and fought for an opportunity to do something bigger than the demographic that he was (which would of been the perfect success story of the things someone is capable of when they serve time for a mistake they made in the past), always assumed a unintended motive, always says things that they think I want to hear, and when they realize I am not easily able to get what they want from me, pulls away in their personal feeling. Who knows, he may come around. But one of the things that is so hard to fathom is, how can someone be the person they say they are. Self reflection. Looking at the past failures, the past wins, and the past mistakes helped me re-evaluate so many things, in my case painting a bigger picture on the social norms and people in it. With the knowledge I possessed, the knowledge I gained the knowledge I was willing to take in, helped me get not only my self respect back from a incident at the workplace, but also gain my self worth. Knowing your worth prevents you from getting into the bad things we allow ourselves to get into. Knowing that same worth doesn’t have me compare my accomplishments to others as we both ventured on totally different paths. Being able to identify my ability and my obstacles at hand has prevented me from allowing those intentional in the conflicts and the influences in their current state of mind, affect them for the negative. Comparing yourself to someone else is not fair to you or the person that has gained their success. You devalue your own progress as well as underestimate the journey they took. Truth is if you would stop focusing on other people and their persona, you would have a lot more time to focus on you, define your boundaries, and develop yourself into the person that is destined for great things that I know you are. Life is a bitch, we all know that, but why add to the negative ripples when you are destined to make a difference. Conformity to me is the path of least resistance that perceives a better tomorrow with a little to no work. This perception of the easy way out and the materialistic gain made in the journey is never what it’s made to be.

Somewhere along the line, there is a selfish motive that started as good. That the laser show of their existence shows people who admire them, seek their advice, glorify them, even mimic them in hopes they could be them one day. But in every noble character, you will not be told you may be them one day. That is egoism at is glorified finest. What you’ll get is the advice that it’s a tough journey filled with trials and tribulations and that without a doubt you will get there. You will get there with as the truest form of you that you can’t even imagine. And when you get there, you’ll be able to teach me a few things and who knows maybe make me better since I will be slacking by then. I will never forget that day that I met Selena Quintanilla and the talk she had with me. She said I had talent, but never get disappointed if the music venture ever comes as music is something misunderstood by those who hear it. Depending on their mood, they may take a beautiful song and make it into something that it’s not. Which is why you my dear are destined for something bigger than music. Something that will not only touch the hearts of many but heal the pains that they hold on to. Maybe just maybe, you’ll finally get people to understand the real meaning of “Baila Esta Cumbia”? The day she passed was heart breaking to me. In that one connection that felt like I was talking to a sister I never had, affected me in some sort of way. It made me realize that life is too short and that we can die at any age due to the motive of people’s personal feeling. Which is what led me to writing. Since music, fashion, and working for the man didn’t help me make a difference, maybe writing would. And it has. When your experiences and triumphs help someone, with more and more feedback coming in both email and in my small world, helping someone begin to take control of their life on their own terms has been far more beautiful than I could ever ask for. It’s a blessing that when my time comes, I’ll die with a smile on my face. Because in a world where hope feels lost, I was able to give hope to those who felt lost in the world we live in today. And even if it’s that handful of individuals, I ultimately at the end of the day fulfilled my purpose. Which to those in their grandiose will say it was a small scale, which I will say you can go fuck yourself, but to me because they matter the most and have the a bigger effect than those who underestimate them think, is big scale for me. Who knows, if you ever let that pride go, maybe you’ll be able to make a difference in social normality too.

Silence of Our True Self – Conditioning in Bad Behavior

I always have said this and I will continue to say it but in this amazing and ever self discovering journey there is still a lot that I am learning, some about myself and so much more about the condition that we call human nature and the ripple we all cast into the universe. I owe a lot to the psychology adventure that I am embracing early as the woman that I am in keeping my word, will be going back to the classroom to in the fall of 2020. One of the many things that is constant in the human behavior is the social biology or the evolutionary psychology that we all play a role in all in the sake of our own self preservation and own survival. Many of us have conditioned our mind to focus on one thing and one thing only, ourselves. When I began this journey,

I began with the mindset that personal motive especially in self gratification was the only factor that in a common theory in study of psychology is a combination of both influence, personal choice, and material motive. One of the most important thing that I have been presented with is that the truth about the social norms we live with in America’s patriotic rose colored glasses on now getting distorted each and every moment in an individuals time of injustice, we all subconsciously live in a fight or flight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In the act of deflection in the lies we tell ourselves at the end of day the Achilles heel to the positive change we whether we want to admit it or not, is what we all engage in and still engage in our own presence of fight or flight; is in the end the reason why change and equality doesn’t occur.

Many will say it’s an act of inability or effort, some will debate its because humans don’t deserve mercy, and some will say in the sake of conspiracy theories that we are already brain washed to be sociopaths so we can destroy ourselves within our own social groups so those seeking absolute power can gain it without effort using the seven deadly sins as the weapons we arm ourselves with for survival made to be success and happiness. Regardless of these things, my mentality, my persona which I am most certain as each day passes regardless of the ridicule, the doubt, and the abuse that comes within my own social group, has remained and intact as the innocence that theoretically should have been lost in my early stages of trauma during my childhood, still remains less naive and now more aware and rational, that our nature which is good and pure has been set of the track in our constant fight or flight mentality. Which in many situations, the things that we willfully choose in the presence of entitlement in our selfish intent to give us that additional chance to redeem ourselves from those we demonize which is a combination of biased opinion conditioned by social norms, our social groups, and our personal life experience in hindsight turns honest people dishonest, making it more and more difficult to break away from the good we attempt to surface through faith, religion, and philanthropy just keeping us chained into the gray area that we can’t break away from, not because we can’t but because truth be told, no one has been able to successfully set a standard of how it truly looks like.

When I first started the journey I talk about in the “Journey of an Unraveled Road” there were a lot of perceptions when I started I realized were biased views of how the world appeared in other words how things are in the world. I started realizing that in the end we all want to fit in and the only way that we can achieve that is by success and happiness that the “social norms” deem appropriate. I believed that people needed to just get empowered and stop focusing on the things that don’t even matter in the end in order to gain true happiness for themselves and for others. Like always, you are not revealed things until you are finally emotionally ready to prepare for them. What I am about to say doesn’t change the hope and unconditional love I have for the human condition and although like I always say, I am not in the business of rescuing people, I will never meddle with free will as the act in egoism is ultimately the only thing that enables the need to feel unsatisfied. In a world where we want positive change and fairness, we will never get that as social norms which fueled by the Seven Deadly Sins is ultimately a world where in order for people to survive one must conserve their own worth and material values they have accrued to gain more and look down upon those who do not meet our caliber. The ugly truth is social norms are all narcissistic character.

Those who disagree with all the things I have mentioned or written and has demonized me, insulted me, or made me has engaged in egoism or what is referred to as “inflated ego” or grandiose which is a self belief in one’s evaluation of inferiority that makes them feel that “no one is greater” than them. Truth is even if you have people that you see as an “equal” you still look down to those who doesn’t meet your caliber or standard. Grandiose also correlates to a psychiatric diagnosis referred to as narcissism. Like all negative, I still will always see the positive or the light of the tunnel. Truth of the matter is, I still believe that this is unintended in many cases, but at the same time there are cases that although is in way to deep, but still have ways to disable a bad behavior that I also believe due to self preservation, is why these behavioral patterns began in the first place. At the end of the day, I feel that truth of the matter is, this behavior started to protect ourselves from the dangers of people and to shield us from the bad intentions or harm they might bring to us if we don’t find ways to prevent these individuals. Of course these characters come in all walks of life, but the most dangerous one’s are the ones we surround ourselves vulnerable, in our comfort zones, and unguarded as these individuals have already found ways to manipulate us, have poisoned us, has already hindered us. The worst part of all this, is that they live with us, they work with us, they sleep with us, and in the majority of the cases came from us.

One of things that many abusers will say “you shouldn’t let people affect you” is an enabling mechanism to allow you to accept this type of abuse. Which ultimately is psychological manipulation which is an acceptable common behavior in our social norm. The ugly truth is, this is why people become violent I believe. We tend to let people insult us, abuse us, and even intimidate us and the truth of the matter is that we let go. In a catastrophic scenario, where the effect of this particular cause affects the lives of innocent bystanders via school shootings, protests, and many other things that cost many lives. I also feel that after adolescence and going into adulthood, is why people who know better do horrible things, some in a selfish manner where children and spouses get murdered by at one point were model citizens and selfless such as terroristic attacks, where not knowing the backstory and not even caring as to where these motives stem from, leave those in pain and agony from more than likely a extremely traumatic past, where for the sake of fitting in and being accepted was the main motive, was manipulated along the way to do horrible things to innocent people that continue to do these things in their everyday life in a more passive aggressive way. Boundaries are the key to protecting yourself from this and being equal with everyone who violates those boundaries. You initially will do someone the favor as many severe cases leads to a person with an inflated ego and inflated self esteem that at that point is capable of causing harm to others in their moment of rejection. In hindsight, this is why I believe that positive change never happens. We don’t hold true to the boundaries, we aren’t sure of what is abuse and what isn’t, and even though our intuition tells us that something feels wrong, we talk ourselves out it. Many in their grandiose will immediately say “she isn’t perfect” and I will be the first to tell you, I am far from perfect. I am not aiming for perfection. I am aiming to continue to become the best me and choosing to be the outcast, as this is not the norm I want for myself. I don’t want to live my life in fear nor do I want to live my life second guessing myself. I’ve done it, I am doing, and I will continue to do it. One of the things I say in the book is that “regardless of the outcome and the treatment of others, when those in their own time are ready to take the courageous journey, I’ll be there” and I hold true to my word. I am nobody to those who will shun me, but I am a somebody to the those I have helped along the way. Because truth is, those who I am a nobody to, is a nobody to me. Truth is I am not going to manipulate you like many religous leaders do in the sake of “being saved” do as I am not going to control your free will. Ultimate power is not something I seek or want. I will not be held accountable for something traumatic that happens to you that is not your choice. Because in the end, when (and I truly hope you never do coming from the poster child of trauma) when your left alone because someone stole the self worth, in the end whether it be as a life coach or as a psychologist, or even through my books, I will be there to pick up the pieces so you never can stay silent again. Truth is, to stop silencing ourselves and protecting us from dangers, we have to identify the threats that are around us. The journey of being humble is admitting to yourself the things that have already happened and the the things you caused yourself.

Despite of all this doom and gloom, I know there is hope. Silencing ourselves from the mistreatment we accept is something that I feel is the key indicator of moving toward positive change. When you start standing up for yourself on the boundaries you establish that involve you earning from someone and vice versa empowers you in a way I can’t even explain. When you stand up for a mistreatment you would never cause someone intentionally (because you can’t help the way people feel) you feel almost superhuman. One of the things we omit in our everyday life is the common sense of respect. I’ve observed many people and due to my late post, I have been traveling around Texas and a few outside states to determine this truth. I have also dressed in various ways to see the type of reactions I would get. You would be surprised the reaction received by each perceived persona. In an attempt to be “right by God” many of them do a half ass attempt to do the right thing. There are only a very few good one’s out there who will invest time and actually do what they can to help someone, and that’s a win right there. When I asked them what compelled them to take the time, many of them all had a personal reason that affected them at one point in time, which I praised them for as many people who endure trauma become more narcissistic in the sake of protecting themselves. Many of those who admitted they did the bare minimum bought a copy of my book which I was gracious and happy to sign, writing a personal message for each that had the tone of “human nature is made to be imperfect, it’s what we do to become better people than we were” while those who were ugly verbally abuse me in their grandiose saying “you are a nobody” or “I will make sure you never get anywhere” and my response was a “oh your hurting my feelings with your inadequate and unimportant influence and existence” which in a few cases had them in handcuffs and majority of them being “religious”. But my question is if I am not that relevant then why do you have to react or result to violence? Truth is we all get judged and the perception we relay is how people view us. But because of that perception, we go to the extremes to self preserve the identity we made for ourselves. Which due to this my biggest wish and hope is that hopefully one day, we can live in a society that being you 100% you, in your beautiful imperfections not for the sake of us in the present, but for the future generations, which at the rate we are going I feel will be even more horrible a world to live in than today.

THE SILENCE OF OUR TRUE SELF IN SOCIALIZATION

PART 1: The Act of Conditioning

“Perception was my Achilles heel, followed by assumption which always turned out to be demise” This is how I start off the introduction for my following book “The Journey of Others on An Unraveled Road that is currently being written as we speak. I feel that this is truth for everyone living, fighting to survive. In my life, the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is continue to have the same unconditional love for the humanity and to forgive both people I hold close to my heart as well people not close to me since they in the end have no direct impact in how my life is directly, as my journey that I chose on my own terms and not one made by those who directly influence me. Through all the lies I told myself, the lie about my individuality was the hardest pill to swallow, because truth is the perception of the authentic me, was not me at all, but version of me that was easily manipulated, wasn’t sure of herself and the choices she made, always second guessing herself, and always letting herself get walked on and always serving someone’s best interest instead of hers. I as just a piece on someone’s chess board. Ultimately In the end, being easily dispensable in someone’s sacrifice in their sociopathic chess game. Always leaving me left behind to solve my own issues after being mistreated and left out to fend on my own, almost every time with almost nothing.


Truth of the matter the COVId19 had put people in the mind set of fight or flight, and the way people have expressed their fear in fight or flight has varied with one common similar action, intimidation. When called out on the act, many have shown different behaviors from denial, self sabotage in engaging in reckless behavior, and even attempted to inflict physical destructive behavior as the intended peaceful protest turned violent in San Antonio became Saturday. Truth or the matter is the ugly truth even if we don’t want to admit to ourselves that the world and the people around is starting to lose hope more and more adversity hits not just a specific demographic, but the threats are hitting to the point that it’s affecting the population as a whole. A way to deal with these threats is by acknowledging the threat and being proactive.


So it’s no secret that I am an Uber driver and it has helped my intention to reveal the ugly truth based on theories that those who always discredit my logic due to lack of credentials to assuring that the ideologies I provide are valid. Eventually i am sure that someone’s going to take it upon themselves to stop this as anyone in fight or flight will attempt. but truth is, it’s not going to stop me from revealing this truth. Naturally people will assume it’s cause I’m not happy or some bullshit, but truth is thanks to the mindset of think about yourself before you think about others may put you in a predicament that will cost you your life. Like my dads stroke that spared his life as the front line my family didn’t take his fall seriously and would of not seen the symptoms that could of cost him to potentially be paralyzed or even life, but with my assertive nature and the ambulance in their own fear of catching COVID19, could of had the EMS team drag their ass in trying to validate their own safely first which per the doctors that day told me, if you didn’t react the way you did, he would of been another non-COVID19 death this year.


Condition is the act of enabling a bad behavior. One of the acts in human nature is to condition ourselves to lie about the threats around us. A modern conditioned behavior is out of sight out mind to avoid the dangers that surround us that at any given moment have the potential to strike. But how do we recognize a threat? The only threat human nature in the modern world only recognizes is other people. An interesting fact that a psychiatrist confirmed is that the human brain has to stare at something for 10-30 seconds to compute the information given. To identify a threat in a human, it takes 30-60 seconds to analyze a human threat. Id no threat is identified, the human brain will automatically stereotype the individual and is conditioned to treat the person like everyone that is identified as such. Ugly truth, we have all stereotyped someone having us treat them like the people they have worked hard to become. If you say you never have done this, your full of shit and once again are conditioned to think such nonsense. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s human nature for us to make mistakes, it’s what you do to correct it. Which is where the entitlement that isn’t intended to be becomes. I bring this point up not to scare people, but in this era of COVID and other threats we neglect to see that springs from the forces of nature, we don’t know where everyone is in their fight or flight stage. Where if that one moment we degrade someone in our act of fight or flight might trigger something in someone to have an act occur in the effect of our cause, costing innocent people’s lives. And no matter how amazing you are at lying about the accountability you played a part in, will not excuse you on your judgement day, where if your religious will not dodge your fate in eternity. Thus why I’m in the business of not shaming, but keeping good people honest.

Journey of An Unraveled Road Official Release

Absolute Authors Publishing House

Official News: Journey of unraveled Road will be available for purchase paper back effective May 20, 2020 on Amazon.com. Special thanks to Melissa Caudle and absolute authors publishing house, my family, my readers, and above are the higher powers for giving me the courage to change myself in hopes of helping others gain the courage in their time. ❤️❤️❤️

The Second Lesson Must Always Hurt

Mortimer Dempsey w/ Saatchi Art “A Lesson Lesrned Through Lies https://www.saatchiart.com/print/New-Media-A-Lesson-Learned-Through-Lies/283932/4406795/view

They say the Nile is not a river in Egypt. Ugly Truth is almost everyone has tubed this river like it was Labor Day on the Guadalupe River in Texas. Some of us stay on this content until you fall off and get pulled down by the current until you can’t breath anymore giving up the fight to break free and staying there till they turn blue. In this analogy, my role is to play EMS in hopes that instead of waking towards the light you fight to live and start living. This continued even post journey, as my hope that COVID19’s worldwide pandemic scared everyone my death thinking that this as I referenced on a previous blog that with nature taking the lives with the “gaslighting” CNN interview said about the actions taken to protect the people, we are given false hope that the virus would disappear with a warning given by the same entity, the CDC has been publicly warning about the virus against the request from the President, it got worst and claims more lives each day. As those who followed on blind faith and no understanding of the biology and chemistry it takes to make these treatments effectively safe by chemist who measure the quantities and after testing, has literally poisoned some to the point of suicide stemmed by the fear of dying. Which the lies they my essential workers on rideshare consensus having people who treat them with less respect, and misperceived ideologies that some organizations preach, making these people have a sense of Godly protection, which has me worried that with the warnings no one seems to acknowledge stated that this second wave is going to be far more fatal due to flu season and as we are conditioned to not cares until it affects us, which by the info being reported in scientific news that there may now be interact with other microorganisms, will only be reported until it starts affecting us directly, which by then it will be too late to stop it, as the man still shows behaviors of a “out of sight out of mind” approach, will not make it a big deal until it becomes worse and possibly be too late as he has proven time and time again. That not only nature will continue to allow it to get stronger and until it officially jeopardizes him personally and depending on if higher powers (from any religion intervention) may have be what could maybe be the end of humanity. Reading that itself, making excuses just proves my point. We as people don’t like to be scared as it causes panic, which when fear hits, makes people do the most erratic things to protect themselves from unknown doom. Those who give up don’t care about what happens and continues to self indulge, while others go to extremes to the points that they do things to harm themselves. Because for whatever reason, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. Some of those who don’t see the light, live on a day by day basis. Neglecting the bigger picture with the lost of hope just finding a way to survive another day whether it be self medicating ghosts from the past. Then you have those big picture thinkers which in adolescence starts as the big dreamer. Those who only want great things for everyone they love. Then those from broken homes have hope of having of having a better life, for their kids, things their parents never were able to have; something to give back for their parents efforts, to be something that their family is proud of and something their future kids will be proud of.

As adults the big picture is being proactive, being prepared, and planning for the worst and hope for the best. And you have those who are cautious, protective of their status their persona as in today’s age, perception is the only thing that will get you anywhere. But why even try, if with the things we have, the things we protect, the things we value mean if we see nothing changing, nothing improving, no one to do the right thing. Why even try when change never happens? This is what I thought every time I get used, abused, and mistreated. Ironically enough, those that face adversity say similar or exactly the same thing. Why try? Why even bother? Ugly truth is that we settle. When things get good. We settle. When things get great. We settle. When things are it best. We settle. One thing we don’t settle is status that’s motivated through personal motive. The triggers being social norms stemmed by culture and heritage, by the ghost of our pasts and by the ghost of others. Saying the little people never get ahead? Why the value one perceives on the outside. But my journey blessed me with one thing, being presented with the truth I was wanting to see. Which we all have seen, not personally but through art and history. Where future of the rich and powerful give it all up in hopes of finding happiness away from the stability and security money can buy as hardships develop a persons character in hopes to find their true identity. And the poorest of the poor hit rock bottom and rise above the ashes. This is what I neglected to see driven by my ghost, by the ghost of others, and what that social norms perceive as accomplished, where my modeling, my designing, my resilience was never enough because I wasn’t known, I wasn’t rich, and I wasn’t desired. Making me want more and getting good, better, best at things I desired was never happy. I was content in every milestone, I settled to the point of comforting myself saying if this is good as it gets I’m good, raising a standard on everything but my own needs and raising standards to the wants I was missing. Even attaining that. I never was truly happy. I was good at perceiving this but never genuine. Which once denial is eliminated that those who see call out, but in my insecurities and trust issues always waited for “I’ll be rewarded one day on my good deeds” which became the absolution that never came which denial eliminated that my insecurities fueled by someone else’s was something that I tolerated and after isolating myself began to evaluate the rational pros and cons of the situation that lead to a journey that in self realization, people affected me to the point of holding my true self hostage out of the fear of things that I actually enjoyed. That the consistencies that in childhood changed by adults in my life where things that as an adult were shared with me started adjusting to things that they personally felt. Ugly truth is in childhood, we have been conditioned to listen to those that appeared to know better, but were battling things they hid, following blindly into the path of un-genuine happiness that disappeared at the signs of unappreciation and “insubordination.” And when you disobeyed, they take it all back, including the image you gained by them. Why? Because of the unknown fear of your own abilities. That if you matched them, you become equal or rival. And if you succeed, become better. That after taking you in, you might be better and leave them behind.

One thing I’ve been asked by essential workers is “Why do they mistreat us if we are sacrificing out lives and family when it’s hard to get employees to come in and people who say need jobs but don’t want to even apply?” I will tell you I don’t know, I have ideas, but I know it’s out of fear of COVID19. What I do know is we don’t know how to genuinely appreciate people. That because the things we appreciate are not the same, so since we can’t provide you the material aspect in the “I wish I could help you” comes from what we don’t have for ourselves yet stems, but it’s the small acts of kindness that service people in the front lines want. In all honesty, for me it perceives as being safelessly reckless is the lie society says as we are convinced since we think we know ourselves, our better judgement in circles that provide us what we want when we want even if it’s for a moment and regardless of it’s a lie. Which seeing the behavioral patterns and the defensive response from every day people is that my stock went up because you survived the pandemic. Whether it be a false perception of higher intervention, kissed by an Angel, given the luxury of not having to work, or whatever it may be turns into false entitlement and the rationalization of why your life is not as important to mine as I was blessed with the ability to not have to work, in some out of genuine necessity but n many working the system, which now has gradually getting more difficult as those workers begin to gain after a 8-12 shift dealing with the same sob story they have heard over and over from another opportunist trying to get a free ride by excuses after excuse turned to verbal abuse of nit getting what they don’t deserve.

Pre-Journey I almost became the same person, over and over dealing with the same people, doing the same thing, and getting the same result was discouraging. Nothing changed within me, my character was the same but had different outer perceptions. We do this everyday of our lives from being one person at work, one person, and school, being a different person to fit in every social circle we associate with. Defensive? Only if your guilty of it? Are you justifying to yourself why I’m wrong and all the things wrong with me? Why? If you don’t care about yourself why should I? Truth is we invest so much time to those who aren’t willing to do things for your virtue or at least take a chance on doing something that may lose a security blanket that they settled for is just a form of fear that through the idea of letting go of the things that don’t get the change we can expect means change will be something you expect or thrive for. You expect it to be given to you on a silver platter that everyone is in line for waiting for the same silver platter. Where the advice given for free doesn’t matter since it’s free and has no worth other other than the temporary confident boost you get with no intention to do anything but only come back around when your security blanket runs out of bleeding you dry of hope and drive, having you blame me for the things you don’t take responsibility and accountability for. Does this sound familiar? Have you been told or said that before? Well lovelies those are the people that truly cared about you that you left you in the moment you needed the most and you to said less likely “shit on them” after exhausting their resources and kindness out of your own selfishness and haven’t apologized yet due to your pride. Or in your grief, as you may be reflecting back on a day that you had to walk away and the guilt of “I should of done something more” is something you have to forgive yourself for and let go as the hardest love to give someone is tough love as in life, it’s takes physical and/or emotional pain to learn our lessons. In my day I was spanked. Not because of my parents inner demons that’s what drinking was for within my dad who one day I hope and feel he will come to peace with what haunts him, it’s cause I did something extremely shitty that if conditioned to adulthood would throw me into jail or worst. We live in a society that people want something to be fair and across the board. However, it’s skewed when perception is just a disguise to make us fit in. Which the traumas people face seem to become far worst than the traumas from previous past generational traumas begin earlier than the past generations of self sabotage and self medicating, where I am shocked when I hear young adults at 19 saying they started at early 5 years old. Where social norms make these trending items of luxury that are impossibly attainable become the light started at the end of the tunnel now just gets dimmer and dimmer with each each passing generation, where self mutilation and humiliation is the only way you will be noticed as with each conspiracy theory is a rumor of biased untruth made to turn each other against one another, where because a child now made to be the outlet to their parents continued attempt to be an example turned into a traumatic existence that had some e willingly degrade themselves hoping that this was the only chance to have a better life, and through those willing to forget where they came from with the fear of potentially losing what they think brings them joy is the anti-conformity those born into inflicted with the traumas we can’t understand that we gain by the power of forces to be, is why lacking the ability to empathize, show gratitude, and omit the sincerity, as temper tantrums of not getting what we want and work with what we need at the time, just might be when the power to be deems that those higher power resources are exhausted, be the lesson that if fearful of losing the things that perceive the vanity of accomplishment may be the lesson that human nature just might need, all because we thought we knew better. And seeing this genuinely me is why I had stop turning my head. Knowing that no one will listen, but why not try. As the priest before packing away back home in a church I prayed in, overwhelmed by fear, agony, and the question, why have you forsaken me, had the priest say that sometimes the blessings we want actually hurt as someone pained who come out of adversity is a reminder that we are human. Being able to out of it with a different perspective, resurrection, and those who come out of it still with love and compassion for not only people, but those who have inflicted them with scaring power, but those with the pain turned love baring the scars in a burning world is the most greatest gift one can ever be given. Being kind and cruel leaving rationality is a blessing, it encompasses compassion and mercy that today’s world can’t even understand. It’s a divine power blessed to those that deserve. My question to him “why does it have to be so full of trial and tribulation?” He gave me a answer I didn’t understand at the time, until today. Being a human, has us always questioning our logic, even at the most happiest. Asking myself the same question of “trial and tribulation.” Having compassion from the human condition and coming to a truth I finally was able to see made me question it today “as empathy who think they hide it well” plus things that in a normal environment (business environment) as an incident to help a friend turned brother at the Days Inn at Downtown Riverwalk has the night desk clerk give me an explanation talking to me if I never ever traveled out of San Antonio, speaking to me like many women get spoken in the city of San Antonio that i loved, resulting to retaliatory behaviors after revealing his condescending tone, degrading me, and ignoring me entirely which in s business environment would not be acceptable, having to reach customer service also mocking me when I asked what I did and told them writer, could hear the the call center outsourced that the first representative said they all worked at, had the supervisor think out loud “oh shit” after looking up my webpage that the blog stats showed a view as stats appear in real time. Having more views that same day, still being underminded by a non returned call made by the Wyndham Corporation that thanks to the respect that these employees choose to give, has hindered the perception of a once glorified perceived notion, that has demonstrated something we tolerate in our place of work, a toxic work environment that bleeds into the treatment. That begins to infect the personal lives of the majority that like a virus mutates/evolves with the ghosts of everyone’s past. Which true be told, ifs you have the courage to wear the armor in unknown territory, will see just how unfair the world can truly be. Prove me wrong by physically walking in someone else’s shoes for a 24 hours to its entirety, being the raw and vulnerable version of you. But the beautiful thing is you see those amazing people who do for everyone out of necessity and start seeing those who do it out of being unhappily comfortable, which was revealed by the priest in my speaking to the higher power I was raised on. The ugly truth that I was given, to have a gift of insight and don’t persevere through the abyss of doubt, there really isn’t hope after all. People may not understand now or ever, but many souls are willing to sacrifice themselves which is why we have free will. Which the reasons behind the advice given is unique as it was meant specifically for me, played the undertone of Elton Johns “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” as every conquered chapter in life is another yellow brick road left behind.

Those Phoenix Wings Were Meant to Fly

When you rise out of the ashes, you earn your wings every time. Where the people who care about you always hope that your not wasting your life, will prove to not only you and them, that the wings you always earn where meant to fly. When I was first presented with this song was on Dancing with the Stars when Amber Riley, Mercedes on Glee performed “Wings” as her song. Everyone who said she was overweight, braced us with her presents with a mesmerizing performance. Girl got it and those who doubted her got got. It happens more than we want to admit, where people who commit crimes and get away with it leave those hinders in grief and irrational states as many hate crimes occur that get spinned as hate crimes when ugly truth is, its a an act of devaluing someone. No one wins because no justice is gained and the act of conditioned devaluing begins a slippery slope in believing this behavior is okay and to social norms, normal.

This is what created the toxic work environment that I was subjected to. Conditioned behavior becomes a culture where this behavior is welcomed in not only work environments, but social and family environments as well. Which is why I applauded the ending of revenge, where Amanda Clark’s father David Clark stopped the slippery slope that he stopped, where her daughter was able to find peace in her happily ever after, where money wasn’t her motive in her journey. It was the need to seek justice for her father.

https://youtu.be/cQ31mMvJBo

Rising from the ashes had me let go two things the materialist aspect of the life I gained and the perception that others who wouldn’t understand was going to leave of me. But in a world where we feel justice is never met, it was necessary. It would be on those who didn’t understand and wouldn’t try as they didn’t invest time to find out, was their responsibility and as long as it doesn’t affect them, it didn’t matter. The journey has also shown, it will eventually affect you later, as words don’t mean a thing when it’s all said and done. And learning to fly, seeing those who thought they were nobody has always shown them as it showed me that you may have a match, but capable of making an explosion when taking back your life, as Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” recites. As you just moved mountains for those also in the same boat. As your effects from your cause just rippled to everyone in the same battle. Which is why I believe we are never on it alone. Which has truth to “we are in it together.”

Rising from the ashes also showed me that no matter how dark it is, I’ll go hard with it. Miles Morales in into The Spider-Verse shows that even regular people who come into power need to perfect their skill to make it effective. Being a rideshare driver has helped perfect it and also has bit me in the ass when people assume my blogs are a rant of complaints on the things I feel that I’m gonna humiliate them. I hate to break it to them, some of them are not that important or interesting. It’s those looking for change and receptive are the ones that their stories featured in my post, anonymously of course. Today I was deemed the love doctor and “Hitch” amazing character that Will Smith plays who like me, gives advise so people can find happiness, admitting his mistakes. Momma, poppa, abuelas, tías, and tíos all told me not to waste my life, and it might not pay the bills now, will eventually, where the wings, a dragonfly that my first ex destroyed, was the gift my dad gave me one birthday which was a glass and swavorski crystal ornament that I yet still can’t find a replacement of. In a world where everyone was a butterfly deemed me his dragonfly, which Swift and confident flying with a purpose, is both beautiful and cunning in its purpose. Which is my next tattoo. And where people say I’m looking for danger has me saying “What’s Up Danger” now has been to proven to myself that as in the song by Blackway and Black Cavier say in the same song “can’t stop me now.”

The Motives of A Journey Unraveled by the Ripples Of Others

Bananarama’s “Venus” is the victory song I jam out to now that post quarantine traffic presents my new examples of the everyday people capable of both good and ill intentions in the sake of self preservation. Those who admire the song for whatever reason will show props while others will show disappointment or in extreme ways humiliate. The consistent expression who have me blurting our “She got it, yeah baby she’s got it, I’m your Venus I’m your fire your desire” which those praising it will sign along and show their appreciation, while those in a failed of humiliation in stray sad puppy face look of disappointment. The only living creature I will save are stray animals when it’s all said and done. Bringing me back to the happy moments with my mom saying to myself, mom we did it.” There are so many greats that exhibit this Venus persona. From Lady Gaga to Lizzo who is feeling “Good as Hell” after facing adversity regardless of what to come which coined my “pull a Lizzo” quote. Regardless of what other see her as is 100% comfortable in her own skin at the end of the day.

“Piece by Piece” by Kelly Clarkson hearing this song for the first time was another American Idol song I wanted to perform as it expressed the pain the I had about an event I fully didn’t understand. Which is why I have so much forgiveness, the missing element being a love I still haven’t gained only the love a father who did evening he could to give me the life he felt, but still was not true to my story. I didn’t need someone to save me because I saved myself. And although a family in their act of self preservation thinking I blame them for all the bad or the things they didn’t do is not the truth to my story either. Because in a collaborate effort, they played a huge role collaboratively. In their struggles, gave me the power to save myself, with no intention helped saved others save themselves on this beautiful disaster I call my unraveled journey.

P!nks “So What” is the anthem to this journey. As in this journey, I was always told I was a bad ass, and even when denying the comment, have proven more ways than one that my irratic behavior was just the makings of a rebel, who had fun in the process as I was being me 100% of the time. Funny thing is those who actually genuinely see this in all walks of life, bringing me to the advice of seeking a life coach career from a collective consensus from all walks a life, made me take it more serious from someone falling from grace, someone living in a gated community needing id verification before entering, a gated community residence, and someone now homeless due to COVID19 quarantine made me think that before the psychologist credentialing is the way to stay grounded in the venture to being a psychologist. I’m a huge Sinatra fan and express my love for him in my book as his song “My Way made me come to terms with the unknown fate of the unknown fate I was about to face, with the doubt that I repeated in my head is I should of listened to the advise and worried about me. The same from the honest people knowing I lived in a mole infested apartment being told by my friends, their children “be careful with her, you don’t want to get what she has” which in their ignorance would of research was done that it’s not contagious, unlike COVID19, which their fear turned ignorance. Which we all are guilty of in one point in life. But the things left unsaid and the lyric that in powered me the most even those I was being a voice for unknowingly by their injustices life gave made “I did what I had to do without exemption” was the result of me turning my head in silence. Not getting involved even though doing nothing made me just as guilty. And that no matter what is said about me “the record shows I took the blows and did it my way”. Which in the process, as the universe provides and with the agreement that I would be their forever life coach after exchanging numbers and saying, they would get me the credentials to get the credentialing I need to begin my life. Thus from a rider, who I helped see the errors of their ways and helped make his wife feel like the diva she is in Austin, TX. And after swapping childhood trauma stories with someone who made a great name for themselves, telling me that I found my calling, having someone who came from the wrong side of tracks like me and being the representation of all of my close childhood friends who I’ve lost physically looking down and feeling in my heart saying “this bitch is doing it”. Brave and bruised, well bitches look out cause here I come. Regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, I gained an unbiased perception that no one can take away. In the end like “This is Me” says, “I’m not scared to be seen, this is who I’m meant to be. This is me.” Because little do you know, when you find your power, you too will be someone’s like my new friend says, be the preacher the world needs. Unapologetic and calling out the bullshit that we don’t the change we want to see. Finally in your act of courage, being the hero you always wanted to be. In the end also saying “this is me”.