We all have conformed or still conform in our everyday lives just to fit in. Whether it be betraying a friend because of what are faved group of people think about the odd ball of the group. Or broke up with someone because of what our family or friends thought of what they thought of someone. Or rocked a high end designer bag or even bought a vehicle for the brand. Or the most degrading of them all, put on a brave face to the world and put an act that would win an academy award for the things that happens behind closed doors, leaving you in a situation that has you self medicating and crying from the mistreatment, emotional abuse, and/or physical abuse you conceal with makeup. The ugly truth is your confirming to individual social norms that are associated in the social group who are all trying to get ahead in life to reach the regular social norms that gain success and a happy life. Ugly truth is, you may with drive and persistence reach a success that is may surpass your usual social group, but you’ll never go above that social level because truth is, there is a crowd with the same ideas, same perception, and the same expectations in this burning world we live in. Ignoring the danger and truth you refuse to see through a distorted pair of rose glasses.
Think back to high school and the group of friends you use to hang. Now let’s add a college experience if you had one. Where you in the same social group? Let’s factor in the first job you had. What social group did you associate with then? What about every job after that? Now factor in the groups you associated with out of work? Let’s now factor in the social settings that are social organizations like churches, country clubs, fraternities or sororities? What were the perceptions you gave to each one? Where they different or similar? Were the odd balls of the group accepted or where they caste out of the group and your life?Statistically speaking only 20% of those groups will be similar based on the small study I’ve been gradually getting for the last 5 months. When funding allows, to assure the current percentage is truly accurate to make this theory truly accurate. How were you treated when you were the odd ball? Did your old friends stop being your friend in current and past ground? Survey says 95% of those people now the odd ball were not accepted and caste out themselves. To be true to science, these surveys will be redone by a third party entity to eliminate bias.
We subconsciously conform and we don’t even know it. Subliminal advertising is a business practice used by marketing and is an actual part of curriculum in marketing in college. Have you been able to give a genuine reason why a brand is your favorite brand of clothing? Vehicle? Bag? What made you buy these luxury brand items or even want them? That’s a question for you and only you to come to terms with as once again you do not need to justify this for. I’m not hear to judge, I’m here to help only when you are ready for it. The same subliminal messaging in advertisingis why I believe subconscious thinking comes into play within ourselves on the actions we engage in, the purchases we buy, and the feelings we get in certain situations. Subconscious trauma, even if we say is something we come to terms with is something we lie to ourselves about because seeing in my own actions that I use less fight or flight intimidation and take more action, has me convinced that, although in unknown situations is when I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach, still engage in action when I need to make it a point that my boundaries are crossed in a 2nd non physical aspect that has me assure both parties are responsible to take accountability and assure that if this is a continued behavioral pattern that is consistent, depending on that individual they don’t attempt to offend you with their irresponsible actions or blame you for the actions they themselves had control of.
People since I’ve found my unique path have always said something similar to “not everyone is genuinely happy” or “you’re the one not happy with yourself” always saying actually I am. When they ask why am I so sure comes the coined phrases in my book “I’m good with my own pendejadas” which in English translates “I’m good with my own fuck ups” as I have control and admit to the consequence of my actions. I’ve been dragged in the bus, been thrown under the bus for too long by people who knew better and people who didn’t know better all in the sake of their own self preservation, seeing them get away with it and seeing them engage in more problematic and illegal activity. Like Enron, being a well respected company turned tragedy. When I use this example on business professionals, lay down the history and start one by one piecing the puzzle, it scares them, it worries them, it shames them because seeing the one match that light the fire is getting dangerously close , causing one of my accounts from my previous job bring me in as a Training Consultant and in one day let go as the suggestions given where taken as personal attacks, which now is shut down and under federal investigation. Because the person who knew better took a suggestion of good faith into a personal attack that had no undertone of it. Like trauma, guilt of something takes a toll and clouds your perception. Revealing that guilt is another subconscious demon your also being influenced by in subconscious mind that’s influenced by others around you and those who you haven’t made amends with. With this revealed, yes I’m sincerely happy, because people who are dealing with issues that they deny become a distraction turned to liability. Because when it’s all said and done, when the chips are down and everyone disappears for what ever reason as they are just keeping their head above water, the only person that can save you, in the end is you.
David Getta’s song “Titanium” is the song that was the power to begin my metamorphosis of rising out of the ashes. The lyric “I’m bulletproof nothing to lose. Fire away” is what made me emotionally prepare for what was about to happen. “You shoot me down, but I get up. I am titanium” which made me realize I was starting to rise above the ashes. This has afforded many compliments saying I they needed a sign deeming me in one ride the Angel of Mercy. She also said I was the poster child of the quote that deserves a fist bump saying “Be the girl that when your foot hits the floor, the devil says: Oh shit she’s awake.” But during my morning commute, I saw a marque road sign that said “Thank You Essential Workers. There’s Your Sign” proving that we all want a sign but we take them for granted, as the consensus of all the essential workers that enter my ride share saying that everyday people have been acting shitty to them and that post quarantine hasn’t change anyone’s behavior but be more shittier than they use to. Asking myself, what is it gonna take for people to change their ways, a zombie apocalypse?
One thing I had to do first was save myself as Ed Sheeran expresses in his song “Save Myself” which the lyric that made me emotional to this day now filled with a bittersweet happiness remembering the grief I was stricken with when disappointment set in. Post journey it’s made me be able to speak up, but for others along the way., as today’s example takes us to Firestone in Balcones Heights. The only offense what seems like a new employee committed was being disrespectful of my time and the young lady in lines time. Where he went outside after completing the order and who seemed like the boss being disrespectful of his. Trying to get back on the road to get the rush hour my initial response saying “thanks for respecting my time” being nervous that the appointment I had was not entered correctly. Reassuring him it’s not his fault, and sorry for the rudeness as the young woman behind me was probably trying to be somewhere to. Girl on fire came from my injustice at work when someone who has seen this happen on her years of service with the company, which she warned what was about to happen and in the end said, I was doing a noble thing and an angel. Let’s not get it twisted all, I ain’t no angel. I am just an everyday person tired of seeing people be shitty to others asking myself why isn’t there any change.
Rising above the ashes started with me first, working on perfecting my boundaries and perfecting enforcing my boundaries. Yes, you lose people along the way, but how the hell you gonna help someone else if you you can’t help yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, humble yourself…the list goes on and on this. Now like use to, are a hypocrite. The truth is no one knows themselves more than yourself. Rising out of the ashes doesn’t mean holding on to your past life or the materialist things you accrued along the way. People always say I am bitter and unhappy well they can go fuck themselves because truth is that deflection would be nothing but celebrating my wins instead of trying to fix me. I fixed myself with the help along others along the way. My publisher who is more like family in my journey called me out the first day she approached me with my opportunity of being published which we conversed at the end of the day. She passed on the wisdom my now late grandmother her mom said to her “When your at your darkest moment, it’s time to reinvent yourself. This helps you find your invincibility and no matter if they beat you down like a water, as you know you can take more than you can take more than you ever dreamed as Kelly Clarkson says in “Invincible”. Once you find yourself through the wreckage you have self reflect and see if this is the person you want to be.” And it’s absolute truth, as in my darkest moment afraid and overwhelmed with the feeling of being alone, she helped this woman when no one else could help me find myself, the Universe providing, gave me my dear friend and publisher. Sharing the same words that she was shared in her own journey, which now is the beginning of what is going to be “The Journey of Other’s On The Unraveled Road, helping many in the short time I have with them find faith. Because as the legend of the Phoenix, with all it’s scars and flaws, ended becoming a mystical creature that we have no business trying to understand. Instead of finding the answers or the logic behind it, we have to just trust our instinct and intuition. Because when you finally find the fire deep inside you, you sometimes have to say fuck and like Ellie Goulding says in “Burn” just throw your hands in the air and say “We’re gonna let it burn. For those facing adversity remember this “I’m a survivor, I’m not gonna go give up. I will survive. Keep on surviving.”
I start this blog off with Imagine Dragons “Thunder” as the lyric “I was lighting before the thunder” because this was the absolute truth. Telling those who’s ability I underestimated telling them the passive aggression action that I lied to myself that I would do. But still allowed the shit to happen, which made me foot my down when those who thought would cross them knew I meant it. Leaving them caught off guard deflecting things they knew were the reason into guilting me into thinking I had a problem. Now that my loan forgiveness application submitted, I’m a semester away from going back to school for a degree psychology, I am on the way to credentialing myself to those who continue to doubt my logic to better equipped myself with the training to enhance my knowledge further. And I have no resentment or hate either. Haters are gonna hate even after I get my credentials. Hoping that I don’t complete my studies and knowing that I will, will day things to discredit me when I’m passing them up. That’s always going to be the case. Because it has nothing to do with me, cause truth is I broke the chains. And the bitterness comes from being left behind in their unethical character. But as long as they show sincerity to change, will give them the opportunity to still in the end gain redemption.
Breaking the chains is a a self powering moment anyone can experience in life, it not only presents the opportunity to empower yourself for better, it gives those in their errors learn from their mistakes. Which accountability is learning tool to improve one’a self. In lighter days with time I spent my mom, something she doesn’t have to admit to me. She saw the power I had to influence when she would sing Bananarama’s “Venus” which all the good memories that brought so much happiness to my life will never be forgotten. No matter what I will always love her which is why the American Idol in this last goodbye, Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” as I only enabled her bad behavioral patterns in my insecurities. Because those who truly value in their misperception and their guilt will in the end alway make you the person that you are really not. Because your when you know what you need to get yourself right and already proving that you can perceiver. A misconception that lets face it, will alway be the way they perceive you throughout life, with a false perception that they knew you better. Will end up being as when they enable you in the bad behaviors in their guilt and sympathy will be the excuse in the end you will win with in justifying the attempts you really didn’t give your all as the excuse why you never succeeded. Another ripple that decredits the character you gained in your initial struggle.
So before I started my day of rideshare driving I ended up of course, holding the couple accountable of their emotional outburst that put me abs others in danger by trying to side swipe me, that car cam showed they did after saying that they threatened them, which showed their flicking me off and erratic behavior in their actions. And after they avoided me in traffic by going the opposite way I was, wasn’t even important to me which hopefully manipulating the truth as the officer said would not be tolerated, only proves what I’m about to say next. I’m only proving a point because of my theories in a book I wrote. That after it’s done and you serve no purpose, I will walk away as the importance you shown of your self and your actions is going to be the disrespect. I I need to walk away from you till you prove otherwise. And in that lesson, that couple learns not to play with fire as there is always someone who will always show us a lesson on accountability.
Brie Lawson plays the perfect Captain Marvel. In the epic fight scene she has in her solo debut in Captain Marvel, she holds everyone accountable to the very end of the movie, putting hope and faith in everyone that valued the most including herself, stopping a behavior she showed in the beginning, the conflict she had within herself. This is the ripple we do to ourselves conditioned to be afraid of certain threats. Like Macklemore raps “Legend is exodus searching for euphoria” in “Glorious” making me realize that I another lyric sings “I’ve made it through the darkest of the night and I will see the sun rise” as my next example shows my conditioned bad and comprising behavior ended being excuses for my half ass efforts before.
Today was a way to keep myself accountable on the psycho babble I talk about in my blogs and my book. While seeing a elder lady attempting to pass a busy intersection that she almost got hurt as everyone honked at her to move, and looked while they felt bad stopped to ask if she needed a ride. Already convinced she was taking my time, stopped and looked for her in a grocery store that she left as she said to come back in an hour. Telling a rider who said girls can’t find things after he said he was near a tree with a stone base that had multiple trees with the same base st the complex. And in the same ride getting insulted by my response after he demanded in confidence to hang out still told him he was a good person. And when he said your crazy to care stand up for others said, that’s why we never see things change and said in a minute silence, your right. And my dad who after saying the rest that I knew I needed to feel better said it was me being lazy, had a broken heart crying and said you pulled my head out of my ass and thanked him as he knew I was having a flare up of systems said it’s not his fault. If someone first did the right thing at Sprint, I would of had FMLA and benefits to get her care I needed. But it was my fault as well. I knew the warning signs as I was told by so many people before. That even though I hold myself accountable, they didn’t hold themselves accountable. That in their act of underestimating me, I have a bigger purpose. To say the things that we never want to admit. And the hoe Basic Betty made me out, as in Gwen Stefani’s “What you Waiting For” quotes “take a chance you stupid hoe” cause if I didn’t, I would never saw how great life could be now, if I kept waiting. Brings my question to you the reader, What you waiting for? Now as she also says “I know it’s so messed up on how society thinks. So go rewrite your journey.
I’ll be the first to admit, I was never good at saying good byes. One the rising artist I’ve seen start at the bottom and work his way to the top is the miraculous man who’s name Post Malone. Excuse my French when I say “I fucken love this man” and regardless of those people who think his brand is of poor taste can fuck off. Because Post Malone keeps himself 100% authentic is his lyrics, the mood that matches the lyrics, and in his song “Goodbyes” is the basis is how I begin this blog. Which to avoid bias judgement for those who haven’t heard this song, include just the lyric version of this video.
This journey has afforded many blessings. It’s afforded me the ability to gain knowledge and get insight on how to deal with problems better than I use and many cases effectively than I did before. Counselor Brandon, who I encountered in my blogging journey, after reading some of his blogs can see the inspiration that comes out the writing he expresses. I’m not gonna say it was all me. Truth is it just wasn’t my input as some ways he expresses his words have a bit of my message but has his originally. It’s a collaboration of many things like my blogs include. I start with this because mastering my ability to let go was also a process of trial and error and when discovered, mastered the art of saying goodbye by identifying my own triggers that kept me in bad situations that just caused more grief and the things I needed for myself to heal.
I know I’m long winded in writing and when I talk, that’s one of my flaws. Truth is I don’t know when to shut up sometimes 🤷🏼♀️, which is why I cone across a know it all, but truth is I’m not. But saying that won’t work for me just set me up for failure, because in my deflection the disservice I did to myself was that I was convincing myself and saying out loud that since I thought I knew myself well enough was the reason why I knew better. I always knew myself well enough but the guilt I wasn’t in tuned with kept me from growing. Because the people around me and the constant doubt it would provoke, that the decisions I made were of selfishness and that because of this, I’m causing people to suffer, which my first DM who I wanted to work with so well as he shared the same leadership style told me in my guilt of leaving San Antonio and leaving both my families in worry and hearing their adversities from the effect of my cause, almost had me prematurely move back to San Antonio, as the fear that I started getting which was how my ex almost got his way in getting rid of me so he can have his cake snd eat it too, which perceived that he wanted to do what he wanted to do. If he only could be transparent with telling me what he wanted, would have made it much more easier after he had a history of jumping from relationship to relationship and giving bad advice cause he knew better, wound have more genuine people in his life that he always expressed that their was someone who wanted to wring him. Well there is always an underlined reason as to why. In his pride thinking people were envious, only was in his case righting they wrongs that he did, and once again the ripple effect of those actions is revealed.
Ke$ha’s learn to let go was the anthem in the start of the healing process. In Houston, I taught myself woodworking, which being a beginner DIYer afforded me a paying gig that pre journey fed my dog Lucas and I in the beginning. This song as we know I’m a crier made me break down when I heard it because of the one lyric “I think it’s time to face all my demons” as this was the thing that I knew I had to do as “the past won’t haunt me if I don’t let it” would be the only way I could get my life back. And as the Universe provides always and after the fight of others who were wronged, as writing this blog has afforded me to apply for the loan forgiveness program to free from my debt of my MBA. And as this is a sign that I’m on the right track now affords me after submitting the application, will take me to what I was meant to truly be, be a psychologist.
To have the talent to evoke human emotion is a super power all in its own. Like many great expressionist in the form of art is an amazing gift any artist can have. Have you ever heard a song that makes you cry? Or a movie that fills you with love? Or feel the wrath in a choreographed dance? Or identified a human condition in a painting? These are all ways that empathy in the form of humanities that the artist communicates to the audience. Which is why I give props to the artist both starving and known around the world and throughout history. To make yourself vulnerable in a burning world is the bravest thing anyone can do regardless of what is said. This was pointed out to me in a ride today. Mesmerized as she said by my story and being an artist herself asked if she could get the web address to my blogs and reading one of the most recent blogs, began the dialogue of the emotions it made her feel and the pain she previously had, said you have a gift. Relating to this it takes me back to the days I felt this way but it gives me hope for a better tomorrow. Adding that if it was a regular person, it would get them pissed off because of the things we all refuse to see and lie about the person we are. Like always in a humbled manner and thanking her for her kind words, like always say, it’s not meant to do anything but say the things we all want to say. But for whatever reason feel we can’t. There are many greats in our today’s world and so many throughout history. Before the book release I want to thank all of those artist starving, rising, and established an applause for the sincerity they put in their work. Many of these artist have confidence in their work and themselves in each new piece they release showing growth in every aspect. Even singers express this in their vocals and my audition venture in American Idol made me realize that when you are sure of yourself has a different impact and range than it did that reflects in your speech as someone also mentioned I have a memorizing voice, which although I don’t think it, thanked them for the comment.
Music has always been my writing, betting at a young age that this was journey. We all were positive in one way shape or form about how things would play out, which also reflected in us as whole. But disappointment always changed that, potentially if afraid to take the journey would have made me jaded. Although it wasn’t my life still was part of my existence. When my parents were fighting for custody in my childhood, the first song that made me realize I had the power to empathize was from an American Tale Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram’s “Somewhere Out There” that gets me emotional to this very day. Torn between two parents who adversity and trauma plagued them, couldn’t understand why both parents felt that I didn’t love them. I loved them both very much. I go on in more detail in the book about this and how I only wanted to see them both happy. In the Disney mentality happy with me together. Madonna with so many others made me explore that more as a teenager. Still plagued with adversity, made “The Power of Goodbye” the song that made me realize the losses I invested in people had to be cut no matter how heavy my heart would be. Which “Ray of Light” would be my swan song not realizing what the song meant until now. I added both links to both songs which is necessary to understand the differences of the moods and help you realize my next point.
The effects of a positive confidence will keep people humble and since we are not perfect, in the moment of mistake make them rationalize the accountability they had in the part attempting to make things right by apologizing for the things they had control of. Where in a negative confidence will justify their actions, blame others for the effects of cause, and never deliver a confidence. They go into a downward spiral of sin, unintentionally and in most cases intentionally because they are confident they will get away with it. Those unsure of themselves in positive confidence will doubt themselves and slowly but surely become more and more jaded. Which believes that the domino effect, turn circle jerk, turn ripple effect is the never ending chain. Although I never had a relationship, understanding behavioral patterns, is why so many connections break. In my love life both short and long term have never worked out because both of the emotional baggage we carried that we collected in everything life throw. You’ll be lying to yourself that when you say you can be friends is not genuine because we all were positive that this next time around the ex lover will realize what they are missing. Sometimes it occurs at the same time at both parties, which is why you both hate each other now. You both fucked up. Why lie I did this too many times 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️. It doesn’t devalue you one bit. If you admit it 👏🏼👏🏼. You’re ahead of the game. But after reflecting on it with no influence, no bias, and taking away the devaluing we do to make ourselves look like we were not in the wrong, makes you see the things they could of done different. With the desire for changing for the better, see the triggers that we caused. Then seeing that in their enabled behavior, that in the words of Selena Gomez “I needed to hate you to love me”. Which post journey, again since I’m a crier, overwhelmed with happiness, cried when I realized this. That not only did I have to lose the romances I had, I needed to lose the life I had that never really made me happy.
When I hit this new level of thinking, I started thinking of the beautiful souls, the guys and one woman (yes bitches a woman) knowing after that one experience I was strictly dickly introduced me to so much. Like many I’ve encountered who remained mutual friends with their ex’s, as my Las Vegas Puerto Rican mamasita shared that in that experience, she began multi-cultured and selflessly helped my ex giving me things to look for that helped me later in life. Rumor had it that they got back together, which I hope wasn’t true as he wasn’t willing to change. Not that he isn’t any less worthy, in his unwillingness to change, deserved someone who was willing to earn her respect as she has so much to over that she doesn’t realize. Where even my friends with benefits situation turned into the stepping stones of my evolution. Where one beautiful man on my way to graduate school touched me in a way he will never understand when The Flogging Molly’s “If I Ever Leave This World Alive” May have turned into the anthem of wanting to give up to be with my late relatives, but my late second attempt to walk down the isle after his death in the military post 911. Turned into the song with his beautiful persona, the song that gained perseverance to be someone to remember. And a drunken night with a guy I always envisioned to be with, turning me onto The Florence Against The Machines wouldn’t realize that in a dog eat dog world, that happiness hit me like a bullet to the head in the song “The Dog Days Are Over”. Because the strength I gained now is better expressed in David Getta and Sia’s “Titanium”. And the ray of light I wanted to be was I then didn’t realize I was becoming, with so many others needing help to be able to shine there light.
Life is full of many moral slogans. Let go and let God, or Karma is a Bitch. But that Confucius quotes is best said when it comes the act of revenge, you dig two graves. And in the act of righting the wrongs, you end up wronging they rights at the same time. Pre journey I almost fell into the same trap, I called out everyone who had a positive effect and also the ones who did me wrong. Using both the summarized the back story. Reaching mid ending learning something very valuable lesson. That we all have a similar beginnings and that we all made similar mistakes that we all were crucified at one point and due to self preservation. I was about to do what I called everyone else, I was about to be a hypocrite. As I’m a huge Jennifer Lopez which is no secret. Post journey, I ended up being presented with her song “Limitless” which said everything that I identified that I was doing in the act of self preservation which could of turned into self sabotage. The beginning starts “ I couldn’t fight anymore. I wouldn’t lie anymore. All of truths that I couldn’t ignore. I wouldn’t fight in this war” was the self conflict that I with myself pre journey, confirming that everything I did, which has me rewrite the book now keeping everyone anonymous and using some backstories of others making them mine and using mine as some of there. To assure as I mention everyone deserves the right to redeem themselves as long as they earned it. Which in the process made me limitless. People will always debate that is not truth cause of the things that I have. Things are just things. They don’t make you who you are. But the reality is, with my writing, I ended up getting a opportunity of a published book that people discredited, which lead to a blog page, which ended up earning my strips, that afforded me an audience that I never expected. Those who see what I refuse to see is a writer with the ability to bring down every person who’s done her wrong down. This in the end defeats the purpose. Although now I talk about the settings where it took place. And those only involved would know the events as they were part of that moment in time. Which in the end, the crimes and injustices that were committed, should not be something that should crucify those who still haven’t done wrong, would still gain there moment of mercy as I too would without judgement defend them in the moment of shame when those as those willing to change deserve a voice, would allow them with their own leg work and effort to work towards their redemption with just being a voice of reason. As I’m only there to rationalize walking away when they show no appreciation or mutual respect , will allow them on the bed they made, still in a additional attempts after they work toward redemption until fate takes over. As in the journey shows with power comes responsibility regardless of the heartbreak I leave. As the game of revenge shows, that more than one person is affected by the acts of treacherous gain. And that those people are the ones that need to pick up the pieces you unintentionally left behind.
In this journey, as everything you come across those who perceiver and those who want things handed to them. Those with selfish motive which is a conditioned behavior of what social norms, the people on their lives, and what people think play a vital key what happens next. Those who devalue those individuals will always in their guilt dodge the feeling of guilt they held by saying I’m not responsible for actions that they have caused. The positive effects who perceiver become the makings of an inspiring tale, while those on the negative path will become a villain. In this positive form this characteristic, the person will push themselves to the absolute limit. Disregarding their overall emotional and physical well being. It always starts like this. But when you have a ticking clock that fate has nothing to do with, because those who endure this treatment driven now my vengeance or revenge, will do anything in their power to stop those from hindering their progress. Now playing victim, demonizing the person wrong, and in their desperation commit what I reference pull a Judas, only come around to see their progress just to use their unusual behaviors that they present which when not having a rational mind will end up being the tool that helps us pull in our self preservation defamation of character through their act to perceiver, what they perceive because already shown in prior interactions when someone they held close to their heart was degraded and devalued by the insecurities you have, and now faced with the person you unintentionally became, have been the villain that the reality with sincerity and transparency could of helped stop a bad thing from occurring. And based on other elements occurred and the time they have can determine if their struggle, which those passive aggressively hope more harm so they don’t make it, now in the form of envy and greed, the progress they made secretly hoping that they fall on their ass because the person you devalued proved to have more value than you under estimated, wishing they would just die (we all said that at one point about someone on our lives whether a child or adult) would of envious wrath. Some who gain negative courage will take action and stop.
The thing about someone who gains the power to perceiver will not stop. With nothing to lose they keep fighting. Which brings me to what I’m about to prove. That those who devalue others who prove to perceiver will use absolute power, which now mimicking the higher power will show a corrupt intent on stopping the character that everyone envy’s is perceiverence. It’s what separates people from being ordinary into being great, which in the form of artistic expression reveals in an inspiring story. The thing is we all have the ability to perceiver. In our small world, that when allowing the fates or higher powers to be,to do their job. Stepping into the different chapters in life, greater than the last one, the power to perceiver always had me misjudged by those who devalued it. At one point I’m time I took it personal. But now, being able to see the disappointments that came with their journey, it only makes me empathize even more. Those who devalue, even the almighty and powerful will reveal something when they meet their judgement. When death is knocking at your door, ready to take you with them, brings out the true fear and doubt of their live they lived to surface. And once the left for dead, bring the true character where family feuds start and those self righteous showing what they really think as greed and immoral intent surfaces having everyone sabotage each other in gaining materialistic values that were left behind. My ex-best friend told me that funerals were made for the living. It’s absolutely true. Grief is the overwhelming product of those guilty morn the lost of the ones they left behind. I’ve seen through history and through the deflecting during these first time interactions. As emotions cloud your judgement and reveal things that you won’t realize. I won’t go into the my personal loses that came in my maternal grandmothers loss and my paternal uncle and Godfathers loss and the characters I’ve seen at their funerals. Let’s just say this is what had me question people’s integrity. When being a attendee at a funeral, I can’t help but break down giving my condolences as empathy provides me the same grief their given. After these interactions, later on brings questions they have and some telling me I might have the powers of an empath. Maybe, who knows. That’s something that if it exist will be revealed. In the journey we meet many people, those who doubt and those who admire. But what happens when the works of the people we admire go unfinished. Both my maternal and paternal grandmother endured struggles that were left unfinished. Both being immigrants, they endured so much adversity that they stopped fighting saying it was too much.
My late uncle had unfinished business, always seeing the good in everyone and being knocked down by grace with health conditions his employer also preyed on, ended his life early. This also happened in my work life. I’ve seen so many people be pushed to the limits, showing signs of health complications being told that those were excuses, those were the lack of whatever behavior the boss tried to spin, and their own doing. When the truth was it was the pressures given tal those who didn’t want to get an understanding of. They were to important to care. Writing this book, I say I stress I don’t want to know what is gonna happen next. I’m leaving up to the fates. But what if through the collaboration of stories in my journey but others inspired someone, reveals a harsh reality, and in my power to perceiver ends my fate on things, someone refused to do the right thing, ends my fate. Because toxic mold syndrome, Lyme disease, and other complications left untreated will be diagnosed on the things that Medicaid and Medicare will get compensated for. And what those slowly and surely I’m shining an unintended light, will being a chain of events that starts as a domino effect tuned circle jerk, turn ripple effect will misconstrued my initial intention where everyone has the right to redemption and begin a game of revenge. Triggered by those who knew better, degrading those who see the truth. And those who neglect to see it out of self preservation, will end up playing victim. As the effect to their cause may be so catastrophic, someone who in good intention may possibly take someone’s life. And that hope for positive change that we all really want to see. As once again, in the act of self preservation victimizes those who do wrong, are now enabled in their bad behavior stemmed by fear from someone’s misinterpretation of what the morals of my writing are meant to reveal. Where accountability meant as a tool for improvement because in the flawed imperfect world when because of the mistakes we made is our end game and because not fitting social norms is not perfect. In the end, your adversities and flaws make you fucken perfect to me.
Holding myself accountable for the things I did helped me forgive myself. Holding accountable for the actions that resulted to effect from their cause eliminated. Setting boundaries with both my expectations with adding that I also expect those to hold me accountable and as long as open communication that was both safe for all involved would open dialogue that the reasons to why someone felt based on The Who, What, When, Where, Why, How, which in the end is scientific theory, I ended up being able to hold myself to true accountability, provide if the opposing party was in the wrong, paint a scenario putting them in my shoes made me identify my friends, my foes, and those who in the end had selfish intent. Which made the perceptions that people believed which initially as a coverup since they the stereotyping was what they convinced that I truly was, and how the emotional crutch that I used in every scenario made me realize something I never could clearly see. In a world where we surrender ourselves in the sake of gaining the things that is perceived to be success, a strong support system, we in the end as shit hits the fan are left alone in their own self preservation without intent, revealing those who check up to see how far you fell from grace. In a world where we are told to pick and choose your battles, only applies to the battles that are personally not yours. When you matter and establish not only material items, but the characteristics you established, every battle matters as the adversity, the pain, the blood, sweat, and tears is an act of someone’s attempt to dodge accountability. As in life when this comes to light, you realize that as it started off as a small offense, has turned into an offense that becomes a behavioral pattern everyone has done, is the reason why you need to put your foot down and since the principle of the matter and common sense has been neglected, reteach the class the examples and the basics of respect. The ugly truth, your not the only one they did that to, but now seen as the weakest link, the perception is you don’t have respect for yourself. If you don’t matter to them is the baby step on finding the courage to change.
I was naive to think that in a professional setting, these things don’t happen. Real talk I understand the logic behind it. It’s still wrong and once clearly visible, makes those a hypocrite. When I first stared at Sprint, I thought it was the employees I managed. Come to find out, it was the makings of a toxic work environment as with every store I had to prove I could be trusted. The one AE, I reference to as Basic Betty in my book, screamed insecurity from the day I stared. She couldn’t take a simple no, constantly deflective, always vain by the means of bragging about her weight lose, always envious as people mocked her when she never got the acknowledgment that she assumed, always took credit, and always perceived the staff for what they in the end nothing like she made them seem, and in her act of needing acceptance, always closed sales in unethical ways. When a female came on board, her face would show her fear and intimidation of that women, especially when she was attractive. I already knew what she was about but played dumb as everyone had something to say and the way she played dirty. One of those things was seducing a upper management staff and claiming it was sexual harassment. In every situation she was always the victim. The advantage she had was she had numbers. And the tactic she pulled was already coached by my mentor back at TMobile that things went south, but I don’t take it personal. I was still learning and growing. But how can we stop someone stop something if we turn the other way? Which once the execution is complete, just creates a gateway that just creates more fear which we now fall into a rabbit hole where change never happens and running away is the safest thing to do once unethical action begins.
One of the hardest thing to do on this journey is let people learn for themselves. It’s harder to not try to protect someone from the things that the effects of their cause bring. I’ve had to purposely walk away to avoid my self sabotage, but the emotional crutch that helped me get this point helped me master it in every experience. As going into the situations already has me knowing what to expect as regardless of the boundaries they continue to cross get crossed, you end up deciding that enough is enough. Same thing with romantic relationships, seeing it now, with every disappointment of not being the fairytale ending I use to perceive before the journey, I ended up drinking my sorrows away every day coming home to an empty home filled the traumatic events that took place. Changing the setting of my home didn’t change anything either, still using that crutch still didn’t take the pain away. With every change came a different crutch. Along the way I met people who genuinely cared who I ghosted with every threat of presumed feeling they thought they were better than me. Which also helped in my crutch of staying busy which in the current time turned into some sort of creative expression, which passive aggressively helped me come to terms what was happening at the moment and ended up turning into the domino effect that became The Journey of An Unraveled Road, which still a journey of constant growth within myself made me first started with an act of courage, the unconditional love from my dog Lucas, forgiveness within myself, and knowing that there was no right or wrong way. This domino ended up getting me through the beautiful disaster my life really was compared to what I perceive made was way more better than I gave it credit. It was not just my work, but the product of everyone who appeared in it, even if it was for a minute. Where strangers who cared shared a few gold nuggets and the ones who also struggling to find their true selves invested time in this nobody that I called myself pre journey. That because crutches, self preservation, and the life we tried to make some accomplished and some failing proved that happiness we perceived is just settling for what we settle for. And that the reason we feel hope is gone, because happiness through the media and culture is measured by the material you gain and how together you appear. Which like what was said by a few riders after hearing my struggle all admit that telling the truth about the trauma has done and the things they do to numb that pain, labels them as psychotic and mentally unstable as the value of perception has hid a families skeleton, it’s been hiding multiple to attain social norms.
The ugly truth is we all have an addiction that we can’t control. It’s the little white lies that we tell ourselves each and every day to not be guilty or be made out to be something that we are not. We are addicted to not facing confrontation. Even my grandmother, the saint who is prone to this too. It starts with something that’s already defected as in today’s case, my glasses that was already missing a screw and falls apart if you grab it from the eyeglass leg. Where asking her who broke my glasses made her say I don’t know how they work. This for a second upset me and just made me laugh in the end because after telling her they were already broken and just needed to tell me that it fell off, had her still covering the truth still. Telling her if she just told me it would help fix the issue. Then telling my aunt I must me in a bad mood and telling my aunt they were already broken and her now just smiling herself, saying she always does that. Just because we fib to dodge accountability doesn’t mean our behavioral pattern shows that it isn’t the things we are use to. Because my grandma in relief of not being judged. Because taking accountability and making an effort to change, instead of expecting people to adapt to us makes us guilty of being entitled. And with the examples I’ve experienced and my willing to change for the absolute better, starts breaking us out of the things that we do ourselves that were conditioned behaviors based on other people’s perceptions on what our lives should be. Because my experience, which in normal social norms would make me be deemed damage and broken has demonstrated that even the misfit of society can change behavioral patterns, gain control of her life, and like the ones trying to prove their worth to the world, always in the social norm mentality try to out do an accomplishment I never intended to complete that gives a powerful message. Without even intending not only sharing the stories that I experienced by those who knew better, never got help from the those same people. That the people who actually gave a shit were the same people that the world turned away and in the best case, afforded them the success they hold that no matter how many white lies they tell themselves. Always results to not truly being happy with their lives and uncomfortable with themselves thinking that in my moment of wrath that I have control of, will result to me being a liability that can expose who they really are. But with the lack of their own self control of not being able to control their emotions, avoid me as now being clear why the effects that occurred were only a consequence of their cause, disrespect me by disrespecting my boundaries. Because the only ones that helped me gain this logic, was the bad case scenario. Which crucified by their mistake due to so much grief, trauma, and the continued afflictions made by those same people who knew better deemed them worthless all because they had no emotional control to bottle up the things that they endured. The only thing different between the two, those people who deemed themselves more valuable end up in the end better liars. Which results to more and more damage and more and more trauma through, let’s just call it as it is verbal and emotional abuse. When faced with misfit who had an upper hand, start of commitment a fib that can lead to illegal activity. And in the moment of desperation a crime to preserve the assets they gained and the perception they lied to get. And because now, finally standing up to these wrong doers and sharing these experiences, calling bullshit to the ones that did them wrong, will always be deemed arrogant and vain because not only will they think that a published book will fill me with pride, another thing I gained control of, but those who think they know better that has done them wrong, will convince them and reassure them that because I don’t have the things they have, something must be wrong with me. And in that act, the misfits with no value to the world has sabotaged themselves in the worst way ever. Now under the wing, those people who started as good people are now the demons, caused by fear of losing their title, the assets, and the image they perceived, which is influence by someone on a higher tax bracket. Where originality is really your mindset, as the journey has proven, begs the question “Are we truly being brain washed” as many conspiracists believe. The truth is the only party that are guilty of brainwashing is ourselves. Because the influence we have on one another on the fantasy Wonderland that pushes us down the rabbit hole of our own demise. Being fearful of what is at stake. As Macklemore raps in the song “Glorious” the world is truly in our hands. And that in the end, I wrote this book because as he demonstrates in his personal and professional life, he always question one motive “did I look out for other people or did I do it all for fame?” Since this also has been told it’s very controversial and was warned that I would get kick back not because of the content, because it makes you reflect on your true self and the things you’ve done. Which is why everyone deserves a fair chance of redemption. This isn’t meant to shame people, it’s meant to keep honest people as honest as they allow themselves to be on their own terms. Because in this life where we feel like we have no control, the beauty is we do. Where thanks to my blogs and pointing out what I’ve done, face myself, and erase what I become like Linkin Park quotes, it helped a grieving mother begin to relive again, grieving in peace that the news refuses to update in her state due to the misjudgment they made and the lack of research they did which discredits their reputation. And a woman filled with grief of a broken childhood almost losing her job for her manager in a convenient store with unprofessional demeanor, almost got fired because after he seduced her and promised the world and a future which preyed on her vulnerability, retaliated against her because now finding someone else who he illegally gave alcohol to on the job, almost got fired after taking time to rationalize the pros and the cons of the whole situation, preserved her job as the 18 year old also was about to incriminate when she accidentally drank from the wrong cup and found out, there was alcohol. Which in both cases and what I made the mistake many times before waiting for something good to happen or someone to stand up for me, won’t happen in a dog eat dog world as everyone is trying to protect themselves. Where in each case after resentment begins to take a hold and wrath takes over, leads to consequences that won’t save us when we face our final judgement in the after life. And in each situation revealed a trend of bad behavior and a history of degrading the value of others, not only helped them gain courage to change, but now are convinced that this book has no pressure or no gimmicks. This book has nothing additional product to invest other than the book and any others to provide confirmation that it’s effective in the stories told from others of different races, demographics, and economical backgrounds. Because the investment they will invest is in themselves, finding out that the person they devalued is priceless. Because in the end, we are all priceless. And the only motive I’ve had from the day I started this project that started as a journal turned published book is not only seeing people happy but seeing people empower themselves to be greater. This always drove me as a manager. And without the help of my very first mentor who talked about their are things that drive people, concerned that since I showed not to be money driven, and I was driven by seeing empower themselves when they did things they never thought they could do, led me to a career path that now is limitless.
Starting with likes from around the world on blog post, to interactions with people including some celebrities that will be named nameless to protect their privacy and only reveal themselves on their terms, to long and deep conversations with psychologist asking for insight on how to handle a specific case to assure they help people even when emotions both on my end and their end because someone thinks they know better (I’m also prone to that at times) allows us to let the personal feelings go, and focus on what matters. The facts of the person, the scenario, the environment, the history, the triggers shown, and the what is causing the behaviors. Is it truly something they did or something we did? Thanking me for helping them eliminate bias behavior, keeping the situation anonymous, and encouraging me to go becoming a psychologist or life coach. Teaching me something and considering for material in my next book, that balance is not the only important in this journey, but what keeps us driven requires a healthy balance to. As my childhood developed a nature driver to help people, the driver that we develop in many cases conditioned at a early age is something that hinders ourselves that ends of being something we do to self sabotage ourselves in gaining something so many people never get the chance to feel. In my book I reference it as the greatest love all. The ability to find absolute and humbled, self love.
The act of nurturing evokes of feeling of love, compassion, and importance to someone. We all want to be nurtured and we all at one point feel that we did not get this in our lives. This is a perception is biased as our version of nurture doesn’t match what is defined by society or by the people we surround yourself. The difference is that their are two versions of nurturing that we long for, through the need to validate and the need for justification comes from intentional and non intentional. Intentional, which comes from a selfish nature that afforded the resources to have nothing but time, intentionally neglects a child or individual in the act of self gratification. The unintentional, which comes from commonly my side of the tracks; is the limited time based on the cards they have been dealt, struggling to find the balance between providing necessities to upkeep the well-being of the household while struggling to keep up with the adversities of life, which in most cases requires two jobs and limited time to nurture kids. Don’t get me wrong, those in those situations still act selfishly but I truly feel it was unintended. As we constantly hear how worthless we are, why are you so stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, which comes from the own unresolved issues that with their regret and their struggle with their worth, is intended as tough love to prevent you from falling into the same trap. There is also the dark side of nurturing. This becomes a vendetta or a insecurity stemmed from a misperception stemmed from the childhood that they never had and will whatever they can to provide the life that they didn’t have perceived as better than theirs, still holding insecurities, enabling their kids and conditioning their children to use bad behavior as a manipulative tool to gain the life that they now feel you didn’t provide. Where because it was never enough for you with the insecurities that convinces one by the lies they tell their kids, you fall into a trap that you begin to vicariously live through your own child. It doesn’t mean your a bad parent, not at all. In fact I want to congratulate you for sticking it out. There is no right or wrong in the journey as long as you are sure of yourself. I don’t devalue anything you did as being a parent is tough as juggling your life and the lives you’re responsible for are tough. I say this as before taking the journey I felt like I could of had a better life with no understanding or empathy of the sacrifices my parents did. That being a parent is the cruelest of all titles to have, because your not only trying to follow the social norm in parenting, you face the judgement of so many people throughout the society, that due to their own struggle with self worth, they degrade the things that you can’t provide to your kids. As the social norm of parenting, is another rat race of misconception of lies, what you perceive, and in the bad cases demonizing a parent who did wrong by the actions a child’s misconceptions of the nurturing they are not receiving from you. Since behavior is always solely based on the upbringing of the child, makes you guilty by association, causing you to self preserve all in the sake of pointing out the real problem. Where courage, expressed in the best case scenario, turns dark when you and your child are outcast by society norms.
In my book I talk about balance. Getting to know both sides for me help me rationalize what the good versions and bad versions fit in. You can read the book about the effects that occurred when parents who devalued my upbringing, the trauma I faced, and my physical appearance that didn’t fit social norms and the effects it caused; when grown adults intentionally and purposely degraded me enabling my daily life in school. With that said, everyone tried to convince me as a teenager why my paternal family was such bad parents and why my entire life would be ruined if I continued to be raised by them. Of course due to self preservation, they attempted to make be the problem. But graciously, I had professional help that made me see at an early age due to being a low income family that what I perceived is not true. As the cards that my family was dealt, required my families limited time as almost everyone worked and in some cases two jobs, the life they provided. Yes they all had self sabotaging behavior, but truth is they knew with the trauma I faced, I had to grow up face and learn. As in my case, my trauma emotionally matured me as I gain self sufficiency on my own. I gained courage earlier writing about sensitive topics like abuse, molestation, and the emotional affects that suicide and how people’s lack of compassion plays a role in that. I was already a rebel early on and posed as a danger. What took the cake was when I talked about treating people differently is discrimination and that if we want to be unique, as everyone wanted to be in high school we had to love our parents, respect them, but be the person we are made to be. English teachers and debate teachers loved it, while parents demonized me as a threat. Now seeing the reason, a fucken teenager was calling them out for what they are and not what they perceived, which led to my parents transferring me schools three different times. One similar perception every teenage and parent had, establishing their own worth based on the things they did, what they wore, the car they had, and the achievements they established in high school. Thanks to a supportive network and the establishment of my maturity, I was back at my old high school which was the Nova Net program and completed my curriculum six months before I walked the stage, where the ones who saw my potential said I would do great things when I shake their hands as many nurtured the talent that I had and the ones who I posed a threat said whispered, your gonna amount to nothing. Again with the doubt that I would become nothing because someone who knew better ended up using their dark side to self preserve.
Self preservation has revealed the dark side of people that they all swear they don’t have most of the time. When insecurity and other factors I mentioned come into play, everyone who has has an upper hand or something you never could attain is out to get you. Well thanks to the dark psychology and the behavioral patterns we get conditioned for survival is absolutely the honest truth in most cases. Which made me touch back to basics to get a better understanding. I grew up catholic but I was drawn to Wicca. Not knowing why at the time but Wicca embraced nature and that like everything in nature good and evil or dark and light existed in everything the universe encompasses. Biology reinforced this with cell functions where protons and neutrons were the positive and negative electrical forces if I recall correctly. In my professional life, positive and negative behaviors determine the outcome of certain outcomes, and thanks to my metaphysical psychologist who Catholic by nature took the positive messages in religion as he also shared the love for one of humanities I shared Theology, has both the light and the dark in the messages it gives. If you don’t believe me, read the entire Bible. It doesn’t matter which one. There are some evil actions that it justifies the need for, that in our society would be deemed unethical, immoral, and potential a wrap sheet or potentially the death sentence.
In my journey one of the favorite foes I like to encounter are the self righteous. Although they appear consistent they are always betting on the insecurities you possess to be the way they manipulate you into believing what they believe in the sake of personal gain. Because the stereotype I perceive to them as being insecure, they always attempt to use first my insecurities as a scare tactic, then the traumas and my failures as way to shame, then God to scare me into obeying them as God is giving them an ultimatum that if I don’t obey I will be punished. What then happens is this. I tell ask them if their sure as God is telling me something else, then when they try to devalue me as God doesn’t talk to you cause your no one he would speak with, reply well are you sure your talking to God as my near death experiences have shown me a different description that you describe, follows justification of why things are different for me then them, which then has me asking why is he different if he’s suppose to be Universal, then by using another figure and questioning that characters moral standard, results to insults which then becomes the insecurities they really are concealing, then degrading me to the lowest form, where I call out the trauma that it stems, and finally when self preservation is used in the negative way, the real reason why they are truly not what they say they are pointing out not only the trauma they hold, but the sins they continue to commit today and the unforgivable sins of the past. And in their pride convince themselves of their worth, pointing out that if God truly spoke to them, why isn’t he correcting your sin of pride. This has shown wrath as I have had one get physical in their lack of self control, causing myself to physically defend myself and play a victim accusing me of causing the confrontation but always disproving the lie thanks to pedestrians, cameras, and the things they have done to others along the way. But it breaks my heart at the same time, because blinded by their pride, they never seem to find peace and just result to criminal behavior as many have now been convicted of hurting others.
Background and the past has so much to do with the way people feel. The truth is as everything in life always exist one common element, positive and negative. A rider told me something that I said YAAAASSSS to about the pandemic, that we lie to ourselves and when he admitted I like the other lies I tell myself I asked when I dropped him, permission to shake his hand. He asked he felt he was skeptical to say that because everyone he encountered always deflected what I told him in my book was self preservation. Telling him the content of the book, the trauma I experienced, taking accountability of the things I had control of and coming to terms with the things I couldn’t control which truly become the element of people. Thus turned to beginning the process to forgive myself of the things I did to others that I had control of, and started the closure to the negative events and being gracious of the positive it made me see just how beautiful life truly is. As simple as it sounds, it’s never that easy. Starting with my journey was just the basis, but sharing the journey of those willing to try, deceptive in the desire to try, the disappointments they endured during the journey, the milestones they reached in the story, and the positive places the journey took them. My hope which is the best case scenario, to see them reach which I am sure exist an improved version of the journey that with no doubt in my mind has gotten me to a happiness and love that I never thought I would ever find. And with all the hope in my heart learn something that I may have not attained as of yet. In the pursuit of hope, love, and happiness real talk, aside the ridicule of being psycho babble, cult talk, or whatever those who not ready to face themselves, is limitless universal, and at the end of the day uniquely you. Because you don’t have to change yourself or your beliefs when you take this journey. The only thing you need is an open mind, an open heart, and the courage to change.
I can’t take full credit for the things I have gained. It was a collaboration of work that was instilled by those whoI haven’t perfected their art in gaining their absolute individual power. I still love and respect them the same. It wasn’t for them and the time they invested, I wouldn’t be to the state of mind I’m in today. I will be the first to admit that I don’t know it all. I’ve made so many mistakes on this journey that I almost stayed at rock bottom. Happiness in my distorted perception seem farther and farther from my grasp and everything seemed hopeless. I will tell you now that in every disappointed in grief, I at one moment lost self control one way or another. Because I failed at mastering self control, I ended up self sabotaging myself whether it be emotionally, doing busy work, having excess friends, becoming a workaholic, whatever outlet, self control was in many times my Achilles heel to avoid dealing with my issues. Self control also comes in the form in the act of passive aggression, which I’m very familiar with. Not being able to control my passive aggressive nature in the same of being polite, I always in one way or another allowed people to take advantage of me thus not being able to control the lie I told to others thinking I was convincing them. Self control starts by controlling your own actions. As many people oppose of places opening up businesses as this shows a doubt in their own self control. Truth is, despite the warning already given as the virus can spread through not only sneezing, but breathing, taking, and lives for a few days with the threat of still getting contracted, people will disregard facts, get sick and then blame someone else for a risk they brought upon yourself. Fear will always make those afraid of the unknown and those reckless in nature due to self conflict as they dodge accountability. Which brings me to this ugly truth. The ugly truth, I was lying to myself and all they saw was a vulnerable person who in every situation manipulated me into things that I always knew. This began the ugly habit of enabling the bad behaviors of others not only allowing them to disrespect me, but disrespect others later on in life. Because I convinced myself that standing up for myself by standing up was rude, the reality was I deep down inside was scared of the unknown. Playing it safe wasn’t really safe because it just left hurt, alone, and even more vulnerable where. That when my wrath came out, began taking things out on people that never deserved it.
People will always say they know what they want. Even when they have choices and given what they want, it’s still something that’s missing. There is always something that maybe by tweaking it a bit, maybe I’d this was different, maybe if this person was in my life…the list goes on and on. And when that doesn’t work, we fall into the double life, which many of us have done. You don’t need to tell me or justify anything, it shouldn’t matter to me or anyone for that matter. The common thing I see is always trying to seek validation and expressing what makes that person better. It’s just a waste of time because I don’t care. Not that you don’t matter. Everyone matters. It’s because what you do or say will never be judged. We all want to feel validated and important. We all been there. The best way to practice self control is learning how to control your insecurities especially when someone has proven to you and shown you your in a safe space. But I understand very well why being vulnerable is the most scariest of them all. Because there has always been that one person that we did this with only resulting to them telling the world we are in the things that make us cry. Truth is almost everyone has experience the betrayal by those we trusted the most. This can hinder our progress by having uf take a few steps back. In a scenario when already struck with grief and stricken with post trauma, it’s only a matter of time that an act of self preservation towards that individual who because no compassion or empathy was afforded will make a person have to start all over again whether emotionally or financially. In that moment that someone feels like their is nothing to lose as their perception shows there is nothing left to do can end up having a person cause harm to themselves or in wrath cause harm to others, which after watching enough Discovery Crime will be the representation of those who pushed them to that point. And because a stranger made them feel worthless, will not only cause harm to themselves but the ones close, putting innocent people in danger because the only thing they really wanted was time.
The thing that I’ve found in this journey is that bravery and courage are two different entities. The two action have made leaders. Being brave is defined as courages behavior or character where as courage is the face of pain or grief. However, life isn’t about aiming to be a great leader. Brave is something I used for a long time. It was my crutch in many situations. For the longest time I was brave to change. I had to face many people with bravery and always ended up back at the same. With self doubt and haunted by the past that reinforced my insecurities, I never changed. I became a version of the person I am today. Truth is in this mindset, I turned my head in many situations and allowed others cause harm. Forgiving myself for that was a struggle. When I gained courage to change, not only did I stand up for myself in fear, but I had to turn away from the ones I loved to assure that I didn’t allow those who I cherished the most influence as their intentions for my best interest were only just for mine. Coming into a toxic environment in every retail store setting, I always after proving that I could be trusted and had the best interest of everyone involved was told of the many people that fell victim to the injustice of many. With the recoded call that had my boss threatened me with what my cause would only have me when he was done “shake my ass and give head for a living”, that bending wouldn’t change anything. That after now a third time after finally finding that the infections I was getting was stemmed by doctors release to return to work, and sending a return to work from the ER, which required on a phone call a hospital release was never asked until concerns I shared with started new boss who replaced my previous boss that stated the mess his was the way they were going to terminate me. And during an unemployment hearing even after sending a interim manager the new job changes was only adjusted for me when others were not doing as they were getting prepped for a executive position in the role we shared. But the thing is because opportunist will always take advantage of situations as everyone typically exaggerates the truth to dodge accountability, people will always question someone’s motive because of the things someone influenced someone to do with dark psychology. Keeping it 100% sociopathic tendencies were used on you which you used on someone else. Which ironically when people call me crazy for being transparent, letting them know boundaries, yelling them what to expect, and staying consistent of myself; a psychologist only having an hour session with the person you perceive, will not see what insecurities will present to me. Because the lies you tell them to presume your not crazy. Would diagnose you with multiple personality disorder. But it’s not because your crazy. It’s because the courage to change may jeopardize everything you worked towards. And without the reassurance of mine, that knowing myself and fearful of what was going to happen as he knew my benefits were ending and this would be the last session said I was very close to closure, to healing, and to being able to help me. And sharing pieces of his story said that once I was 100% sure of myself, I would be able to help people in a way I never expected. Fulfilling a purpose that I always wanted and backed with life experience, will be impactful because I mastered empathy, but sympathetic because I was able to identify the behaviors that self sabotage, but will not judge the person for the actions. Now that I gained true humbleness, will help identify those behaviors so a person can see the behavioral pattern and see that these are the reasons why they struggle with happiness. Because the person they perceive is not really the person they want to be, because it’s someone’s version of them. If interested here is the lyric video of the song.
There are so many things I should of been. During our current pandemic, microbiology as the science mentality I have and the understanding of how micro-organisms work has had me call how when it first began end up being exactly how it was . I told my inner circle and those who with their actions are no longer part of it as they are not ready to gain redemption. With people always wanting validation have to validate credentials, has the burning desire to go back to school to get a psychology degree. Of course since I’m still paying for MBA I am now using with the Friedathewriter.com business, that is something I have to start saving up for. Truth is, even with this human perception will when a person is faced with the person they are not ready to face will have them perceive things that are absolutely not true. They will begin to demonize me into thinking no matter if I am relating with the person that I’m doubting them or think I’m better than them or whatever new feeling arises from that insecurity, will end up having them self sabotage them into doing things they normally wouldn’t do. With someone who knows the system, retaliating against making false accusations, and with the precautions that a psychologist takes once they identify the warning signs of dangerous psychological behavior, will end up coming to light a side of them that they weren’t ready to face. Criminalizing themselves and revealing what their life wasn’t what they thought it was and because of my worth they perceive as many people in normal settings. People give up, start self medicating, and dodge the truth about themselves in destructive behaviors, which a few people including a person I dated who always thought he knew better ended up doing. He ended up in the process of seeing his psychologist and telling me what he wanted me to know, went back to gambling with the sabotage committed in stealing my savings to gamble, began taking things out on me when he started deflecting that by his encouragement to start resolving my issues felt intimidated and threatened by me. Telling me the evil things my family who told was going to propose, also made it seem like I was an alcoholic, that I was drug addicted and still not knowing his intention, the history he had and the accountability he dodged, ended up after putting me in a situation of being homeless for a 18 hours in Houston but I had my girl Dal, the big sister she selflessly became, always was the one to get me out of trouble, that I still feel I never genuinely showed the appreciation that she wanted and totally earned.
Expecting something from someone is flat out entitlement, regardless of your justification. No ones problems or time is more important than yours. With every journey simple or catastrophic, someone’s pain is never bigger than yours . For me, when someone told me someone had it worst than me, I was compelled to take the selfishness I gained by that guilt which like many people I’ve crossed path with would just be callous sympathy that as long as the threat didn’t appear in my personal life I was fine. Prior to Sprint, my attempt to self preserve always ended up being retaliation. Regardless of the events that occurred, I always exaggerated the facts and with the lack of self control exaggerated the truth. When people use your history as a basis of your common behavior, showing bravery and only that will disprove your efforts and what was intended as good turns into ill intentions. But what happens when you get the courage to change? Stay tuned. As all my actions weren’t stemmed from self preservation. In P!nks song “Courage” it will always bring out a new kind of emotion, that even though I was wronged presents as a selfless emotion of grief. “I bury my heart hear in this dirt, I hope it’s a seed, I hope it works” for me is, through the adversity I’ve faced sailing into a unknown fate, I see so many people going to similar adversity. Where fear that I felt, is by everything we encompass through non verbal and verbal, visual and non visual that even though denied is easily identifiable by the actions done to you, everyone else, and myself. That regardless of what is done to me, redemption is always an option which dependent of those willing to work for it. Because the persona we mimic whether it be from a real life scenario or from art is something we all aspire to be, but truth is; it’s not genuine. Because it’s not your true self. Once comfortable with your own self, reveals the persona perceived by other that is much greater.
Where my personal persona which began as Lara Croft and now having no need for that beautiful disaster my scared self hid behind, to those wanting to gain the courage to become their true self has now in their eyes, Wonder Woman and although not needed is giving me way to much credit, will always be grateful for that compliment. Coming into my power, that I never knew I had surpassed every accomplishment I thought fulfilled my purpose. To them I am a hero, but because of a humbled heart will never have me resent someone who as long as they consistently show their willingness regardless of how many mistakes it takes for them to get it right, and without enabling the behaviors that turn them into someone else’s villain, will always have compassion and unconditional love for them. Because the selflessness I gained and courage I fought for reflects a persona that they see that has been portrayed by women with the same courageous spirit, in our reality will always be someone’s hero, without wanting to and without trying. Although continues to be struck by grief and by fear will always continue to be the person I came to be without falling into the trap. Because when what I learned may be done better. And with every mentor that has threw me off the nest so I can learn to fly, will always have them fly back relaying their triumphs and the things they did to succeed. Through consistency and mutual respect will give me the opportunity to improve my purpose as now, if not able to comprehend due to my inability to gain comprehension due to lacking that life experience, have gained an allí, with the characteristics gained that match mine, begin to start a ripple effect of hope just as those ancient philosophers did without expecting to, without wanting to. As their courage to change stemmed from a social flaw that if afraid of not fitting in, would never have gained the courage for their own change, would be the inspiration that their era wasn’t ready for, but was adapted in a era that truly needed it.
Religion is one of those most beautiful pieces of literature that man has documented throughout history. In college after being struck by disappointment through a perception that I didn’t consider as I disregarded the affects of human nature, the medical industry so full of good is also inflicted with bad as in a real world scenario is deemed as the pros and the cons. After that chapter of my life, I struggled with what career path I was attempting next which led me to the major of Liberal Arts. Back in the early 2000, Liberal Arts was the major you choose when you can’t decide what to do after college. Rideshare has shown revealed while driving in San Marcos, Liberal Arts it’s a major of its own. Truth is Liberal Arts was my favorite major as it introduced to this journey where, theology, philosophy, sociology, and creative writing, which although coached that my grammar is a sign of rebellion as I never followed the status quo, had an act of making the reader feel like they were the character and could feel the emotions portrayed as my descriptive detailing stimulates the senses to the point of feeling the sensations told. To me, I’m okay. I don’t boast about it or elaborate my talent because everyone is different. Individuality is what sets us apart from everyone else.
Philosophy taught me different ways Lf thinking and introduced me to the brilliant minds of ancient great thinkers of their time who had nothing to prove, gained an audience, and never buckled down no matter how dangerous the threat. Socrates, given a death sentence for what the government deemed as insubordination, showed no fear or no regret as when he talked about as I interpreted as his greatest achievement was finding his true self, inspired other great thinkers that paved the wave for what we now see as quotes that we perceive as self gratification to convince ourselves that we deem appropriate in our social circles. Like everything else, human nature can taint even the holiest and purest forms of good in self gratification, which makes the greatest leaders, people with great intentions, and turns the purest of people into the demons that they once feared. As fear along with sin turn a power that was gained abs earned by good intention into someone now with power obtain an absolute power they refuse to control. Which those fallen from perceived absolute power into something that in a slippery slope is all for the greater good.
I was told that during the first set of book previews that I spoke like a true philosopher, others said that I had the makings of a messiah. It’s flattering but that was never my intention as I feel like I still have a lot to learn and lot more to work on. People will say otherwise, but because I know my flaws and faults I am not ready for that kind of power yet. I was even told I was on my way into politics. When I shared this with a few of my peers from college, I was told why this wasn’t true and would always be interrupted when I tried to share why this was said and why I wasn’t ready. The same reaction occurred once they heard my side which was a way to end the call. I never get why this happened, but they check on me and send me links to things to consider. Some show that they see a potential and some send me things that appear as why I’m lying to myself. It’s okay and don’t take it personal. I know myself well enough to control myself and practice that self control. I still love them non the less. People hate being wrong. As those who take accountability for being wrong after they earned their way back into my life as they now sincerely want guidance in gaining the same strength I gained ill share this happily as sharing the knowledge gained and seeks someone happy is the gratification I gain when they see themselves the way I saw them. And since everyone’s journey is different as their own individuality, can’t take it personal when it doesn’t work for them.
The Secret is an amazing piece of literature but never worked for me. I’ve seen this work be effective to others both in the best case scenario where they don’t result to immoral behavior and the worst case where they get what they thought they want by resulting to immoral behavior only wanting more and still with the same result of being unhappy. This was something that I felt was missing as I always claimed that I was the master of my own sail, and after reading some self help books that made me loath reading not so much. Don’t get me wrong they are all great pieces that I won’t name as perception will taint the truth that it just wasn’t effective for me. Possibly because this was written by people who didn’t have unresolved issues, maybe it was someone who had it all, but mine filled will a dark childhood, trauma, and a gateway to a life not my own as I did not find my self or close the wounds of my childhood. Was made for those rough around the edges that society deemed the damage and broken find peace and love within themselves to begin the journey to their best life. As the damage was the emotionally wounded inflicted with emotional abuse, physical abuse, self sabotage, sexual assault, child molestation which brought to light that those who perceive normal have just been condition to fake it to make it in life as their journey reveals a dark past that has occurred in their life and their family history. That because society will use this as a way to demonize a family legacy, has the victims of childhood trauma living in torment by the individual who stole their innocence and a family that enabled this behavior by demonizing the victim and not holding that action accountable, leaves others children prey and potentially already victim to protect the family reputation, now living in fear for their children and the children of others. Which if you dig deeper, find that because everyone in denial never addressed the problem, now have generations of victims because they were conditioned to live in silence, never gain peace because they never got justice for the innocence they lost.When the molestation I faced started surfacing, my paternal family felt guilty. When I had episodes and became open about it, teachers who cared in elementary school intervened and defended me when parents who tried to devalue my worth as afraid of infecting their children and actually making it a point to obnoxiously say this loud enough for me to hear, someone stepped in to put them in their place. Based on observation, that doesn’t exist anymore. You have teenagers and kids suicide rates increasing, parents committing murder against their children and no one looking into the back story. You have license workers with no life experience deeming what should be appropriate for recovery of this and in their failed attempt deeming them as unrepairable, it makes those who have pain give up. Shame on you shit heads. I feel that if you are going to let emotion get in the way of your better judgement and allow yourself to get easily influenced by peers, you have no business helping people. Truth is you haven’t helped yourself since your collecting a paycheck and not having passion in your job. It’s these same people who exaggerate situations to gain something in return using intimidation to scare people into getting what they want. Now your on the slippery slope of manipulation and if you don’t stop now, who knows what your bad behavior will lead you to.
It amusing at that moment when someone attempts manipulation when I already know fact off their demeanor, body language, and usually someone who already betrayed their trust to tell me their real intentions. In the book I reference that at pulling a Judist. Let’s keep it real you are. I know that their is good in everyone as even the darkest people I’ve encountered have shown it to be. As the molestation followed me, I prevented someone in their moment of darkness stop them by subconsciously saying in fear, don’t punish me for someone else who hurt you. I was a teenager then and I was scared. While running out of the situation I could hear the agony they held throughout their life. I guess the blessing in trauma is that you stay aware, survey your surroundings, and gain a photographic memory. You don’t remember names but you always remember faces. When an attempt happened in my adulthood, let’s just say they never expected to gain any consequence as fear I had made me receptive to the mixed martial arts training my USMC uncle felt was necessary for my future after I told him what happened after it occurred. I don’t know what happened, but let’s say he avoided me like the plague. Which is why he felt that I had to be strong and learn how to not only protect myself physically but protect others from walking never me. The same as my maternal grandmother taught me, where I learned more than I ever expected. With the two not knowing how much of a bad ass they were, taught me the tactics of surviving. It’s natural to want to know as we all want to be a threat. I’m not in the business of talking. I don’t need credibility but as long as I’m not pushed then it won’t be an issue. As if I don’t feel like I need to protect myself, it’s something that no one will ever have to endure as all I care about is your closure and your happiness.
Self gratification can be from many things, which is something you have to find what it is. I won’t explain or tell you everything about the subject because I don’t know enough about it yet. Like a void, this I will say shows to be the act of consistency someone attempts to show their tainted worth. Which is why absolute power is something I never want. To have control of things can sway in different ways. To each is own. One of the songs that I reference is Elton Johns, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. The one thing I will always hold true is that I will never interfere with free will. I’ll be quick to separate myself from someone on a destructive path because I’m not going to be guilted by association. I’m good with my own pendejadas. Because doing a good thing doesn’t involve saving everyone, it starts by saving yourself. Without life experience, you set yourself up for bias. Because if you enable someone who doesn’t know how to save themselves, you set yourself up for risks you can’t even imagine. Because someone who’s gotten away with things, will continue the act that links to a past that due to family pride, painting a perfect picture that skin deep, resulted from people who should of known better and never did anything to stop it from repeating, will only be blamed for someone else’s destructive path to fitting the social norm. Because with the wrong person, insecurities, and the desire of chasing the American Dream, may never come out of a situation and now being responsible, put others in jeopardy as you taking accountability are lying in the bed you made in refusing to change. In the end, when you turn your head for the sake of self preservation. Everyone deserves fair redemption and fair forgiveness. My question is what are you doing to forgive yourself for that? What are you doing to gain forgiveness from those you hurt? What are you doing to gain forgiveness from yourself?
Believe it or not, I am grateful everyday for another day. Aside from the problems and the things that are not going right, I know that eventually things will change because I’m empowered to change. That things might not go the way I planned, but my as long as I stay consistent, stop making excuses for why things are not happening I’ve done everything I could. Pre pandemic, Uber was the perfect present example. When I started, I found a reason why it was a waste of my time when I first started in Houston. But thanks to someone who took time to mentor me, I learned how to in less time that I invested working between 50-70 hours as in sales your passive aggressively told what the consequences are if you want to keep your job, but made more working the same amount and being willing to take al trips, which in my attempt to pick up rides using the trip planning tool to go to Houston now living in San Antonio, turned what was a moment of reminiscing into a money making opportunity that earned me triple my daily goal as with effort and humbled pride that I put into my customer service skills into a tip opportunity and an opportunity to meet someone who could potentially change my life. Which at first glance seemed to be no one of importance.
I’ve learned that when you try to prove your worth you begin to act sloppy which just shows you have no respect for yourself. You begin to start using the people you know as an attempt to prove your worth. And to one who’s busted their ass to get to where they been and the sake of now guarding the things they earned as the consistency on their success only has shown opportunistic and deceitful people who have no personal interest in their well being, will end up putting you in their place hitting you harder with the things that you don’t have and wish you had, the things that you say you are but don’t do, with the things they earned that won’t have, and in the most extreme using the people they know. In a prideful situation, the person will go to the extreme immediately cause they can. A humble person will warn you. Needless to say the repercussions I’ve seen pack a punch and just having a better understanding of my dark side, understanding triggers, coming to terms with my past, and showing the respect to the homeless crazy lady the same respect I show everyone else, has revealed without saying what happens when someone who is capable of those resources will afford you resources to assure that their journey, which they only were provided will be discredited because knowing themselves, those people who will push them to the edge will stay silent on purpose because other people take it upon themselves to do things and play victim. Because someone who knew better that never was held accountable for the sins they committed that resulted in the consequences that occurred. All in the sake of self preservation. Where no church, no religion can save you, that those who belong in the same organization just enable your bad behavior or prey on those vulnerable individuals. Because in the end, if you still cannot comprehend wrong is wrong and still confuse this to protect the things you been blessed with in the pursuit of needing more to prove your own individual work, the executive decision of what is right won’t redeem you when it comes to your final judgement.
When people ask what I do, not taking Uber seriously since they don’t take it as a serious profession, will always try to win one up. It was brought to my attention yesterday when I was googled, I popped up on a Google search with my book Journey of an Unraveled Road. I disregarded it and said it was probably because of my website. She corrected me and no, it’s your press release. I confused this for being genuinely happy for me, because me wearing shorts not appropriate in her eyes, talked about she had enough respect to not be a whore. I mentioned that writing the book helped me be more receptive of other journeys and more compassionate to people. She made it seem like in my eyes and if she volunteered to validate her rationality on the comment instead of validating herself in what she does, brought a point that made her uneasy, scared, and afraid of me which was I have to give women in the adult industry props. The best case scenario resulted to an amazing woman who saved money and opened a high end adult store in Texas that offered only the luxurious French lingerie and has a private list of clientele with A class celebrities. The way I see it we put up with men. She then which I can’t tell if it was thinking out loud or not replied, we put up with being degraded and disrespected only to be intimidating when we build a life for ourself. Exactly right. She said after all these guys who took advantage of me for free, she build a business from men paying her so they can degrade her and built a business of that. Yup and the most greatest success story of them all, my girl Cardi B, as beautiful as she is and as successful as she’s become, only makes me want to hear her story and have her when I’m being out of line cause o don’t know when to shut up, actually be told to do so transparently. I know my flaws and I know my triggers. My boundaries are stemmed from that. Everyone one deserves a fair chance and a fair second chance as we are only human. People who deem themselves better always have something missing, one thorn is relationships. If you aren’t in a relationship you surround yourself with friends. That’s okay use your crutch, I did to. But there comes a time when you need to determine if those people are holding you back. Not that they intend to, but because it’s change. People will always believe what they want to believe and make decisions without understanding. One demographic people become cruel to is drug addicts. I’ve learned to be empathetic but very direct with them. The reality is we demonize those that take action to the extremes as evil and avoid them as they are dangerous.
People who have chemical dependency are numbing the pain from the sins they committed from the pain they never resolved. I never can get a straight answer but my observation is they only get attention from sympathy and never genuine empathy. We all take our situations for granted. If we can’t be kind as we always do things and tell ourselves I did my good deed for the day or say that’s his fault for letting it happen to him, stop saying that. Yon don’t know since your not willing to take the time because you think your better. Shut the fuck up because your trying to justify your shitty tendencies as lying is a sin. Justify that with the powers to be. You can justify them when you realize and admit to yourself that you weren’t a good person. I was there and when I forgave myself the rest fell into place. As crutches which in this form is chemical dependency comes from wanting to numb pain. Because truth is when you show they matter you see a hope. For me that moment is a beautiful thing. I saw this in real life my first day ridesharing when someone wanted to order food and no one paid no mind, he asked for a cigarette and asked him what he wanted. He said he had money and when i saw it wasn’t enough, made an excuse. I said can we stop waisting time and tell me what you want cause I need to get back to it. Don’t worry, I got you. Once I knew what he wanted I took it upon myself to get him a gift card for 20.00 and a cash tip my last passenger gave me. Got out the car and sat with him on the curb, got two cigarettes, one for me and one for him and said tell me your story. The tears that rolled from his eyes in that moment said all I needed to do. He admitted his faults and said where he went wrong but kept beating himself up. When I shared mine, I told him my situation is no different. I could of been there. We all have crutches but the crutch we use doesn’t make us any different. It’s things we do to get back up. That no matter what anyone thinks because we all are scared little bitches, we will always talk ourselves out of facing our fears by degrading those in that situation. If you can’t adapt, you won’t survive. And emotional crutches if we lose control, can eventually catch up as the things we get can be easily taken by someone else who knows the game better. Do what you can and assure you did what you can. If you need to write it to keep track, do it. It helped me measure my own progress and made me see what I needed to do different.
Today he’s in a way better place since I met him a year ago. We connect very often and to protect himself from those sketchy judgey people his success has gained him, will always bring me into his circle, give warning of the talents I gained on the journey, and tell them why I haven’t met the success they perceive a writer success is as I’m still learning, will always defend me by saying, she told you, I told you. You think you’re better than she is? Hey she’s legit, she’s a saint because I never seen anyone care enough to empathize in a way where she’s kind but doesn’t tell you what you want to hear as she gives what she expects and doesn’t take anything less. Which is true. Even when he feels bad for me because he got success before I did (in a legal legit way let me add for you assuming judgey bitches) knows not to feel sorry for me as I won’t take anything I didn’t earn myself. Because everyone will say I’m stupid in jealousy, I’m being ungrateful in pride, doubtful in gluttony, requesting identities in greed, wanting to seduce me in hopes they will meet him in lust, will make excuses in sloth, will be verbally abusive on jealousy, say that there was a short cut in sloth, and start self sabotaging by attempting to stop my progress in wrath. Because I hate to say this as this is the ugly truth is we live in a society that has conditioned us to use the seven deadly sins. As today in a interaction that someone assumed I needed saying in her attempt of inflicting self doubt pointed out, envy which she repeated your lying to yourself about being happy pointed out the sin that resulted to playing victim which said her gluttony is the reason why you don’t accountability. And in her wrath tried to hurt me in every way you can saying shaming me to kingdom come and why she has validation because of her looks and her credentialing told her, wow this is the first time I ever see a religious person use all the seven deadly sins in an encounter with a stranger. What church do you go to? And when she told me said, I’ll definitely avoid that one, because your emotional outburst shows the environment your religious leaders have in your church, I’ll make sure to avoid that one for sure.
I’m not in the business of getting recognition. I’m in the business of helping people gain true redemption as everyone deserves it. Because without having a fair chance at redemption without judgement, how can we make a difference if those who society doesn’t value, which have the life experience to help heal when they learn their self worth, would make this world true to realism instead of a simulated reality deemed proper by those who in the end have bad intention that never held accountable, have the delusion of absolute power. Which is why when people will insult my grammar and doubt my credentials and it won’t phase me, as since they need validation, leave my blogs authentic as possible and have an editor for my book, who also is also capable of missing certain things as we both wanted to leave my book The Journey of an Unraveled Road which is ready to be unvailed, will reveal why as crazy as I sound, is why the things we don’t have an effect that we are at fault for as purposely triggering people as the now post journey realize is resulted not only from unresolved issue, but thanks to the self righteous, the seven deadly sins. And why perceived with nothing am grateful for the things I come, and why I continue to learn daily and live through example because even with mistakes, I take accountability and why stepping into the next chapter of life is the one I’m uneasy on and unsure I’m ready to face, what comes with popularity, accomplishment, and if it’s meant to be financial gain from this journey. As breaking the chains from a world I never thought I would conquer am stepping into another world that although emotionally aware of what to expect, have no clue. As like you my perception, which this book began as a journal entry that I never thought would be published, can have something that will catch me off guard and possibly back to where I was. It’s not doubt it’s reality. The reality we don’t like to admit we are in.
Nonverbal queues say a lot about the things a person is thinking or feeling but can’t say. I once was told I was a people pleasure. For the longest time I thought was that case, but coming to realize it wasn’t a act of satisfying someone’s ego. It was to even if it was for that time I was part of a persons journey even if it was for that moment, it was that one moment that they had someone sincerely understand them with no judgement, support, and already based on their behavioral pattern and their non verbal queues could already determine what was about to happen. This turns up being something that ends up being accurate in the hopes that I would misjudge something. As human nature will always take place in the act of self preservation.
We all stereotyped someone once in our lives, but we also get stereotyped more than we think. Just with the things we wear is what people will use as a basis. What we say in conversation tells someone everything they need to know about you. Truth is you’re not hiding you’re insecurities well, like me I made this mistake too often. On this journey, I found something that most people want, to let go of the past, to heal from hurt, to resolve our unresolved issues. Truth is that is what I wanted closure of so I can be the best person I could be. Because of this, I’m a open book. When I talk about some of the things in the journey, I immediately get stereotyped. Oh she’s paranoid. She’s playing a victim..always follows why I mentioned that. But truth is everyone assumes that I’m insecure, hearing what they perceived and trying to give me sympathy or comfort me. Then when I expressed it no longer effects me, it becomes an attempt to tell me what they think I want to hear. Even though you are transparent and let people know what they need to do to just shut you up (one of my many flaws to be respectful to them) a passive aggressive attempt will be made, which is really rude and degrading as it shows your arrogance and your insecurity and fear of confrontation just with that one action. Once a boundary that they crossed of mine is presented, this turns to deflection followed by an attempt to gain back value they feel I devalued and finally when the things that you were passive aggressive about finally can’t be controlled…..the emotional outburst that because of silence due to your passive aggression which is triggered by fear of a threat. Which in my case since I’m truly content with myself as I’m still not finished in my journey, just needed honesty. Which brings a good point. Even the most greatest of moral people will lie and result to other desperate attempts to rid a threat all in the sake of self preservation. The common reason why, because they didn’t want to be rude.
I was told a long time I needed to pick and choose my battles. I’m not scared to confront people. In the best case scenario it always revealed that a misjudgment was just that and things would go back to normal. Which is why I wear what I want when I want because it doesn’t matter to me as I’m not trying to get acceptance. It actually has revealed the evils of human nature. I myself start preparing myself with every encounter expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Because childhood trauma that I’m confident to say is finally a thing of the past, has taught me that bad things will happen by someone who knew better. Because we all are entitled shits. Don’t admit it to me and those who immediately are denying or justifying this keep it to yourself. You really don’t have to prove anything to me. Keep it that way. I would love to truly hear when it’s your time and when your willing (as most people will force it) to share with me when you started seeing the behavioral patterns of your entitlement. You’ll be surprised what happens when you stop being passive aggressive.A passenger made a good point to me that I neglected to overlook as earlier that day I was overcome by disappointment. As she was the first genuine person who even though she assumed what she assumed, didn’t attempt to degrade me as she treated me like I was like her. Although we came from the same neighborhood and were the same age, we always forget to consider what has happened before and the journey already treaded. Hers starting with her dad getting deported, which led to a fathers fight for something better resulted to upon his return moving up in social class. Which if herself and her parents weren’t receptive to, would have not afforded the life she’s living post pandemic. Is she happy with her life, I absolutely feel she is. Although there are things she’s working toward, there was no deflection, no attempt to dig deeper when I said it’s just part of my story, and didn’t force her personal beliefs on me. Yeah she might be skeptical or cautious of me and that’s okay.
I don’t take it personal. We live in a society where we make excuses for others and justify their wrongs. That we are that afraid of the world that we end up depending on other people to fight for us. We expect people to react in a certain way. We expect the treatment and respect from others. If you expect anything from someone material or non material, your entitled. My disappointment came from a person I gave a chance to already knowing what to expect. Who defended his friend who immediately saw me as stuck up as most people who come from my side of the tracks identifies people that wear Victoria Secret Pink as a come up. And because people who aren’t sure of themselves will always become abusive and degrading in validating their worth. That because of his influence he now believed what was said. It doesn’t only happen in personal life, it happens in our professional lives, which when it happens is hard to overcome. Truth is toxic people, although they are able to gain it will never feel it’s worth gaining. Because they lost hope that their are truly good people. Because someone thought they could treat someone differently in the sake of finding their self worth. Because they to that person had no value was discriminated as treating someone differently is just that. Maybe because they don’t know better still is taking advantage of a vulnerable situation. Because a grey area doesn’t exist because wrong is wrong no matter what the reason is. If you justify why, you’re being biased. Because while the worlds burning, we feel helpless as to why their ain’t no good people and with things like COVID19 we just get more selfish. Human nature will always convince us we know better, which is why the second phase of this pandemic will not be a concern until people start dying again. And even when scientist say that we are entering an era of regular pandemics we say it’s bullshit regardless that climate change is melting the icecaps, because of our stubbornness of entitlement where we refuse to adapt to change since things are comfortable and just wanting more validation and believe those who we aren’t discriminatory to, the only ones at fault is ourselves. Because balance will separate the paranoids of the worlds from the ones aware. Because a stereotype will make the aware paranoid. But because we struggle to find balance, we rather not know due to how we know how we are will end up putting ourselves, our family, our children at risk. Because of my naive optimism, I got caught off guard when I moved to Houston. But it was the best time of my life as yes bad shit happened, but so much great came out of it.
Those that hate Houston share one trait, they don’t like change. But Houston revealed the worst case scenario that happen to someone I encountered where due to stereotyping those who fall victim to human trafficking, now grieved the lost of her 3 children. Because no matter if you tell yourself whatever you want to yourself, I see people with children always trying to show the world they are the perfect mom. And from their insecurities and their misjudgement will allow a dangerous person into their lives. They come in all social classes now thanks to entitlement and dodging accountability. That things like sexual harassment, sexual assault, and human trafficking are happening everyday even in San Antonio. That because we turn our head and disregard those dangers as we swear it will never happen to me is the reason why you become the easiest prey. In your attempt of intimidation reveals your vulnerability. Which is why when I recognized the signs of trauma on a rideshare when I started, is what compelled me to converse with the college girl and assuring that the her no wasn’t miscommunicated, turned into a situation that I encouraged her to make the decision and pointed out that not only will she be able to have someone who violently intimidated her to keep her mouth shut, she had a stranger who sharing her experience and why in the end no matter what took place wasn’t her fault as she doesn’t control someone else’s action. Which revealed that she’s glad I was her driver, cause no one else would of cared or would want to get involved. Which the female police officer who was called to the scene thanked me which I responded with it’s what any decent human being would of done. What she replied with after really scared me which was, you’d be surprised how many rape victims don’t get justice and closure. No one deserves to go through that. People don’t take action because they don’t care or are scared to get involved. Because silence is what not only separates us, but opens us up to being someone else’s next victim. Which brings my next mantra, never say never cause never always happens. And with almost every conversation and interaction reveals never always eventually happens.
I can’t tell you where I got my mantra of expect the worst hope and hope for the best. I freely shared this openly with many people on my journey and always was classified as being negative, regardless of the positive and bubbly attitude I expressed consistently. When someone made sense of it, someone always came along and with one opinion that was stemmed from insecurity, was proof enough to price that this truly was my character. Looking back at the process I realize that subconsciously truth be told, I been ready to heal from a traumatic childhood as I didn’t want to feel unsure of myself. I justified everything I did and always had to one up on someone. I expected things that I wasn’t willing to feel, I treated people different, disregarded the people that didn’t fit my convenience. At the end I never wanted to take accountability for the wrong I did that stemmed from an optimistic and distorted view that as long as I follow God, I still was a good person, and as long as I did things things, I could keep a clear conscious to not noticing my behavioral pattern, if faced with final judgement that since I dedicated myself to the church, seeing that everyone is desperate for redemption but still enabled my bad behavior by proving, justifying, and finding every reason why it’s justified I would enter the gates of heaven in the afterlife and live my best life. Which followed by people similar to me who reached the level of success that I thought would be the ultimate game changer. Not realizing that with every attempt in the next chapter, I was becoming more defensive, still wanting more to have an upper hand to the person that I subconsciously was intimidated myself, convincing myself why it’s justified, why they were wrong, and when consequences were about to hit convince myself that the real victim was demonized and to preserve the work that ended up in the Bible; an eternity of hell. I became what what I perceived myself as Red from the fairly tale version. I was the Grim version of that story. I was Red in Wolf skin doing harm to others with no redemption. And in the end, still missing something in my life as I got the what I wanted and even surpassed my expectations, but gluttony in more was the only thing that never happened. Gaining my self worth.
One thing that I’ve noticed is people always have something to prove. When faults or people who have struggled with getting out of those situations, gravitate and stay in that social class. Looking at the bigger picture, we always use the bird of a feather for the sake of self preservation and when that person starts not fitting the requirements, get kicked off the island and get banished until they can meet those shallow and petty requirements. If your justifying it, getting offended, or trying to justify why there’s something wrong with me, or are in denial, you’re afraid. Not of me specifically. I’m not one to be scared or intimidated by. I have no authority to judge anyone. I leave that 100% of powers to be. I truly empathize humbly. As a matter of fact I’ve been there as well as many of the people that I’ve met on my journey from all walks of life from homeless to the filthy rich as I never understood why people would be comfortable with me. But the truth is, it’s because I wad naive in the notion that I always felt that showing consistency would eventually make whether guard that was up, come down. But truth is, through fear of judgement from someone else along with an subconscious fear of having to face your own motives, those who weren’t ready would be forced to faced the self they been denying their whole life’s. In the catastrophic scenario which breaks my heart every time someone thinks they are better than me at whatever is going on in their head regardless of consistently showing them I’m not what they perceive, am forced after not respecting me by respecting my boundaries and after some attempts in intentional inflicted emotional pain, start little by little revealing what they resented this whole time. The dark side they possess.
Consistency showed through my light side while inconsistencies were revealed through my dark side. I’m not a psychologist so I can’t tell you exactly why that occurs. What I do know, which was an attempt to wrong the rights of the world, starting with saving people then started with the mantra of how are you gonna love anyone of your going to love yourself. This was the process of filling voids that my current chapter couldn’t fulfill. Maybe my salving grace was what I reference in the book as concrete angels. The rejects of the world who society deemed unworthy as they did not hold the material values or the scholastic credentials to get of society as back then passive aggressive tendencies were more made for those who couldn’t face face reality. With the cruelness of what was the people who have more value were openly vocal, causing those who tried give up on themselves. Truth is those same people that did that then, ended up doing that to me as a adolescent, having those kids from my concrete angels past, encourage their kids bullying by being a spectator, by being an enabler which the journey revealed in every situation that abuse is a conditioned behavior that ranges from mild to severe attempts which continues to follow the next generation. Continuing a ripple effect that instead of encourages individuality, fits the standards of the status, which admitting I don’t know everything, illuminating that the truth get conditioned to follow the status quo. Which the journey also reveals more than just playing it safe. It brings to light the regrets of a life why missed or never afforded.
After high school, change did occur and like always with good intention. I ended up finding out in my first year of college that participation awards were being given, which I still don’t get as for me, losing only made me learn. It made me work harder. It made me find alternative ways and made me better prepared if it occurred again. Little by little it seemed like immediately after 911 we became fearful of threats, now stereotyping not only one ethnicity but everyone who was showed characteristics of the category of people we didn’t approve. To the point that if they were weak enough, would humiliate intentionally to bend them into conforming to the standards we thought seemed fit. Which ended up having society take prayer away in school but now try to initiate another ban. Seeing it now the whole fucken nation began retaliating. School shootings were a norm and teenage suicide was starting to be an epidemic, and it was always that child who was demonized and it was that parent that was bad. And the really fucked up thing about it is, seeing that in these situation the absence of empathy and no one even reporting or writing about the regrets of what other parents or adults who knew better could of done to stop it and instead trying to find more validity to prove why the incident occurs only tells me one thing, accountability and the conditioned effect of you can’t control how people make you feel is another lie we tell ourselves in our deceptive acts of faking it to make it for the sake of the false identity we think we are portraying. Thus enabling the art of sociopaths and narcissist behavioral with intent to get ahead in live.
The quick come back after I reveal this truth is people will immediately think I’m on something, I’m an alcoholic, I’m a drug addict, or crazy, shows that when to je different and you are on another level of logic and because it goes against what they convey is the desperate attempt to shame you to conformity. I’ve called out relatives who assumed based on my ex fiancés sociopathic personality and the need to control and resolve everything and have an emotional abuse outburst to doubt myself said I was on drugs. If you care about someone, why let them follow that path. If you ask yourself cause l didn’t want to get involved and I didn’t want to make them do something they weren’t doing, why not change the approach instead of engaging in the way that has other people not even want to tell you why they don’t come to you. It’s in good intention but your being judgey. You’re without even knowing your making yourself seem your better than them, basically saying you don’t have time for them or for their own well being. That you could do it, they can too. Which is why many people make these identities, portray things that they really don’t mean, because of the things they are scared of and don’t admit. This world, now showing in media is that if you want to get what you want, you have to be a shitty and evil person. Where one moment of fame or fortune will make up for all the things that should of happen, because of what someone else did. But it’s never the truth. Perception is opinion. Where like many others who attempt to make up for lost time do and find redemption without any intent of attempting is this, you’re insecurities and fears have turned into selfishness in the pursuit of happiness that you think is what you want.
Those who fell victim to the real demons of the world now from trauma turned into insecurities and intentional acts of sin to hurt other in the sake of constantly attempting to gain happiness that you never fulfilled and struggle to find the void of what is now the life you lie to yourself daily is what you chose to those who already know the truth and really don’t genuinely care as they too are after the things that will do you one better all in this never ending competition in the game we call life, when do you admit to yourself the real truth? Because getting aquatinted with your dark side as my journey as proven, that having balance is the key determinate, as that void in the catastrophic moment of resentment, will make you after feeling like you got nothing to lose and those you love finally betray you, will begin a snowball effect of bad behaviors, that lead to self conflict, leading to self sabotage, leading to destructive behaviors, and finally a fate no matter how good you get take you to places where even though you lie to yourself your emotionally prepared for as you now set yourself up to not only face people who not only want to stop you from going deeper, but others who have a darker side than you do that even the smallest sigh of disrespect can cost you your life and the life of your love one. Which I’ve unfortunately met. And since I’ll never interfere with the powers that be, cannot intervene. As the behavioral pattern that you’ve shown has shown that the bed you made. Because karma is finally collecting what is due.
Even though this occurs in both sides males and females people will cut someone down to make them feel worthy. This was conflicting for me because I didn’t know my self worth. From kid to adulthood, I always was made fun of because of my uniqueness. Throughout life I always felt I was ugly, which ended up my search to attain a net price for myself. As pathetic as it sounds, every single person in this world is trying to find their worth through some sort of outlet, even those who think they know their self worth. You don’t have to justify or admit to anything to me. As a matter of fact I want you to keep this to yourself. It’s no ones business. But if anyone tries to call you out because they think they know, tell them to shut the fuck up and worry about themselves. Their ignorant asses are struggling with the same damn thing thing with their deflecting ass. The reason why I say this is because in one way or another we did ourselves an injustice and haggled our own self worth. To keep your head above water, sometimes you need to sell yourself short. Shit, I should of done that too. If I would of done it, the book writing journey would of been easier. But knowing myself, I would of been easily trapped if I stayed in a toxic work environment. But knowing myself I would of settled and never been able to break free. The truth is when you realize your absolute true worth, you start seeing things in a totally different way.
Throughout this journey I have measured my worth through many different outlets from materialistic, the positions I’ve held, the cars I’ve drove, the clothes and shoes I wore, the experiences I’ve held, the people I had around me, and even the organizations I’ve been involved in. In the end none of this shit matters because when shit hits the fan, none of these things or these people were around to dig me out the door. One of the most heart breaking things I’ve had to do is sell the things that I busted my ass for, putting my blood, my sweat, and tears and all just to eat and stay as healthy as I could because truth is the first thought that popped in to my head is I haven’t even fulfilled my purpose yet. The ugly truth is that I still haven’t proven my worth.
Many people who have secured the life they have gotten comfortable with end up still missing something in the end. The amazing thing about my journey is those who realize that my happiness is literally isn’t a act, they begin to ask me how I ended up achieving that state of happiness. My answer is different with everyone based on the insecurity they hold. Funny thing is the ones that hold one of the deadly sin of vanity, it’s hard for them to even fathom the thought of doing something that may hinder their appearance and I don’t have the heart to tell them that the only reason they have gained their life is by the insecurities of those that have given them as truth is their outer appearance doesn’t match the social standard. The uglier truth is that if the person that possess this standard with no makeup, no surgical enhancement, and without prosthetics, that life will disappear just like Thanos did in Avengers End Game. Thanks to this journey, I’ve met these individuals and they are nothing like the world would perceived. You want to know why? As they have experienced this treatment their whole life and what to me more than just what they perceive, as this perception with someone’s else’s pride has put them through the most toughest situations due to the retaliation of someone’s misjudgment.
In those journey believe it or not, the seven deadly sins play an essential part in completing this journey. We all are indulgent in one way or another. Denying that already shows that one of many of those sins you currently possess. Pride is probably the one that is common in all of us. Pride is the easiest trap to fall into. Because through not knowing yourself, it has you doing the most unreal things that when you reflect think, why was I so pendeja. You laugh at your self in the end and when around someone who has conquered this, will laugh with you talking about the stupid shit you did together. But pride is the one that if your not emotionally ready to handle, will make you underestimate the wrong person.
Of course we know the pride of men, as I explained this yesterday. But let me tell you how the pride of women looks like to another woman in this specific and common real life scenario when pride and insecurities get in the way of our better judgement and perceived when your not emotionally ready. Because truth is with the wrong person, could of put her and her male counterpart who probably is abusive was told to take his hand off me cause I fight back when he tried to intimidate me. And let me just tell you this was a couple who perceives to have class and home training.
While passing by to find a Wonder Woman T-shirt, this damaged individual probably caused by her counterpart sees me walking. I’m glancing their way in search of finding the item. I saw the husband glancing (I’m not gonna assume why) and while he glanced the woman glanced immediately and laughed and I gave her the universal resting bitch face. I went into the adjacent isle, as I didn’t want to put her in a situation that already dressed in destructed denim shorts and a cotton tee while she was in a summer dress (which if she wasn’t so defensive would of told her how fabulous it was cause it really was) to do something because she felt she was better than me. As she tried a failed attempt to intimidate me, she yelled “what are you looking at”. I immediately responded “you, since you assumed I was looking your way.” Real talk I didn’t know what she said since her voice was shaky and her tone was nervous. I told her “if you have something to say, I’ll give you the chance to tell me in my face”. I started coming their way and when I pushed the cart aside and walked into their comfort zone, is when her companion made his move. That’s when I told him “you need to let go of my arm cause I fight back. The last guy that tried that, my ex, thought twice about doing that when I gave him a right hook for also saying that he was gonna teach me a lesson”. As he changed his tone and politely asked me to leave and while walking off, and while I walk away this proper woman starts getting brave again and rambling some more gibberish I can’t even understand. I look directly at both of them and said “Can you tell your insecure woman to shut up since she doubts herself probably because of you? You’re lucky I’m rational because someone who’s been pushed is on the edge thanks to personalities like you would of has nothing but joy to cause physical harm to you or rid the world of two less shitty people who should of know better”. What happened next, the victim mentality, where thanks to cameras and me being in the line to check out, proved my statement of letting someone know that I will show people how to respect me and love on with life, because once I made my point they don’t matter after that.
My self worth is priceless. The reason why I say this is because there is no price tag to change the way I feel or look at myself. In many situations I have had people attempt to use there material items, there abilities, their resources, their background, and even what they are capable off. In addition when the aftermath of what happens after or when you are able to show what you are really capable of doing, pride will also make you perceive the truth that you want to perceive, the things that you want to believe, still convincing yourself that after deep down you crossed a person who is capable of the things you aren’t or wish you had, you use the group of numbers to try to back you up to try to intimidate more. The unfortunate thing is that it really has no effect, because in the end just like how misery likes company, you bring more people into the mix and just have them attempt to do the work you couldn’t finish. The power of one is the most powerful of all numbers when you find your self worth. People immediately assume that they have no friends or something is wrong. I get that l the time. It has absolutely nothing to do with this. It’s because truth is, I am not easily influenced. As a matter of fact, it makes you see people for who they are. It makes you see the behavioral patterns. It shows the person that they are. And they always interfere with the things you are doing for yourself. Because there comes a point when you leave them abandoned as they are not at the same level, and get complacent. They end up self sabotaging themselves as since you refuse to enable their behavior and feel sorry for them, they end up demonizing you for things they want to believe. Because truth is they always come back. Because you have something they don’t have. The journey has afforded me to meet and associate with people of all walks of life which those who have the same value, have become friends. And as me, have no group of people they flock to. Because they stopped using that crutch, have goals they are trying to accomplish, have goals they want to climb, have enemies coming that have to take care of. Because they refuse to be devalued as we all have before. Making a individual accomplishment that someone wants to take credit for. And will always have those mock their accomplishments thus following someone’s authority and intention (sometimes good and sometimes bad) and gained their worth by things that will always be measured and always cut down the adversity that happens. Because the ugly truth is if I’m not worth it, why are you waisting your time. And if you cared, why haven’t you invested time to check on my emotional well being because you didn’t have time and assumed I wanted money. Because I might not have a lot friends and I lost it all because someone knew I had something that could take that all away. And because when though trouble found me in the past, obviously I had something they wanted. And because if I really wasn’t worth anything, why do they come back. And now that I know what I’m capable of, no matter what society or someone says is what value means. I’m not bending the knee, I’m not lowering my standard, I’m not settling for nothing less than the values I gained, the respect I earn, and the love for the human condition. I may have been rented or lease but I was never owned as I was able to leave people behind because I was unappreciated and disrespected for the things I’ve done to genuinely care and because they didn’t respect my boundaries. And because everyone has a story, I respect and show the same compassion for the crazy homeless bag lady with the same respect I would a CEO out of want and not guilt. Because life has shown, nothing is guaranteed. And at the end of the day when I take my final breath, I will be confident to know that I gave it my all. Not because I sold my soul for the things I have. But because I did 100% authentically me with 0 doubt in my mind and with the hope that everyone finds happiness and I’ll have no guilt of hurting someone else or for my personal gain. In the words of Frank Sinatra, “yes it was my way” till the end.
For the longest time I doubted myself, I tolerated unnecessary bullshit. This stemmed from the identities that I was conditioned to have the one I had at work, the one I had in college, the one I had with friends, the one I had with family, and the one I had with my extra curricular group (the one we feel is our most selfs as It offered a false perception of freedom). During my service in healthcare I was molded to be a specific way after people who assumed things that looking at it now was the perception they developed but never held truth which enabled a lot of retaliation. I was young, I was naive, I didn’t know any better. Up until entering the wireless industry I decided to be half of the real me, which included me embracing my San Antonio West Side roots. I was quick to defend my origin but still hesitant to defend myself. When someone said tone it down to make people more comfortable, I told my district manager at the time that he knew what he got when hired me, and I wasn’t going to be someone I wasn’t. I earned my keep by making a store that had a reputation for making zero sales to being the top store in the district. When he left the store to go to another company, I followed now proving my rough around the edges persona, which as a kid has been consistent until punished for inappropriate behavior made me be the person of obedience and conformity. As we spend most of our lives at work, it’s inevitable that we gain a work family, which was the culture Amtel had. This is where I began my journey of leading by example and maintaining my originality. For me, after the incident, I made the decision to be me, now armed with self respect and humbled self love, I decided to be the version of me that was 100% authentic. Coming to terms with my unresolved issues and forgiving myself for the things I’ve done to cause harm, I gained compassion for everyone with the understanding you can’t interceder with their free will. I became transparent with my boundaries, immediately confronted those who did, expressing the consequence of such action, and getting a true understanding call out the reason unresolved issue associated, which I struggled with. If you’re in the wrong, I’m gonna tell your wrong and once the aftermath is calm, apologize for the confrontation however I’m refuse to be told something I’m not as I’m sure of myself. In the best case I’m asked how did I accomplish it, in other cases I’m told what they think I want to hear as they can’t believe my confidence.
False confidence which I see everyday entails someone attempting to intimidate, someone seeking attention, or someone who just humiliates themselves to be noticed in the sake of engaging in destructive behavior just to be accepted. People always use the you’ll be alone forever scare tactic, which is the time I take advantage to reflect, empathize, and learn because even if I don’t get anywhere and I don’t ever recover from the chronic illness I’m inflicted with that I reached something not many achieve. Funy thing is everyone will always second guess my confidence for some underlying issue. I don’t give a fuck. You want to know why, because I love hearing the stories of other people and their journey. It’s a beautiful thing to hear how people got to where the got today. Everyone from all walks of life have one thing in common, they all experience some sort of emotional trauma at an early age. Those who are ready to heal are curious on how I achieved it begin to share a descriptive account and want to know where they should start. I tell everyone to take small steps as it takes emotional courage to face yourself. Those who have an arrogant confidence has always shown to make it a point to compare their confidence as they always trying to prove to themselves a higher worth with intentionally taking a jab expecting to get away with it as everyone has done in the past. Before the showdown I let them know they aren’t prepared for it, and with the record they have as their false entitlement has proven always wins with intimidation and fear, I reveal the person that they are, not only revealing the event but the offenses they committed now, being empathetic about the trauma and telling them you were wronged, but that his fear and resentment with their perception of confidence now as an adult will put them in a bad situation their whole lives and that even though I can care less about the bad things that occurred, there is no reason to make someone feel what they believe they become. Because your not important to anyone in this world and that people who one day if they showed consistency of positive behavioral pattens because in the end, people see the real person they are, that people will never take you serious as he is toxic. And that he will not have consistent happiness because of their self sabotage and living in a fake reality. That they will never have genuine friends, never have the respect that they want, and the partner they desire. That those insecure don’t stay around because they know their worth.
Revealing to light that the insecure person they get on keeping will start realizing that being insecure about someone who has nothing other than the lie they tell themselves is quick to get over. And that in the end, due to the choices they made and eliminate fear, will always be that one person that when the person breaks away from the abuse, will begin their journey as life always gets better after we leave them. With empathy they deserve a chance, they deserve the things they never had, but starts with work on them. And when they take that as a sign of insecurity, walk away with no response or word as before the conversation as they always tell you what you want to hear as all opportunist who build a false sense of confidence by manipulation and once they get in, control of the life that they wanted. Many things made sense after my journey and some things even post journey that I find myself finally saying to myself, why didn’t I see this sooner as some things get revealed when others point it out to you. The one thing is that men are almost always insecure. And that rejection, even if a he disrespects women and sexually exploits women are scared of one entity that makes them uneasy, a truly confident women, which was revealed by friending some really amazing people who pointed out that I had no desire or idea. A beauty that radiates balance, accomplishment, empathy, and humbled expectations, and known my self worth. I have to empathize with men and the social normal standards but men have shown just how insecure and scared that they go to extreme lengths to catch a woman’s eye and attention of a woman. My expectation socially is that if you want me to engage with you, it starts by approaching me and starting a conversation. Blinded by their false confidence and inflated egos, they do things that are not only embarrassing, but shows their fear of rejection. When you step out and they find you attractive,they will do whatever they can to grab your attention in ways of lights, horns, and super embarrassing and degrading ways. In their most desperate attempts which end up getting a bit uncomfortable. Back then I would be a little freaked out, but now I see what has been a modern day issue that struck the Me2Movement. When l I was conditioned to believe my whole life, men are probably the worst when it comes controlling their emotions. Because when it’s all said and done have been made to fit a standard of society norm that is reinforced by ego. And when scared of losing what they had, in their ego and their lack of confidence will use emotional abuse to maintain dominance in a relationship and in the extreme case result to physical violence. Which when I temporarily stayed at a hotel even on day 4 still had the same men attempt the silly smoke signals, which they engaged in asking ridiculous questions, damaged egos when they realized that I wasn’t signaling to follow me would attempt an insult that I had to ask to repeat twice and he mumbled and had to get closer to him to find out he said are you a man and me saying you couldn’t say that to me in my face, so you like dudes? That in every opportunity they had a chance to tell me face to face, they would pass me by and attempt the same way. And because as emotional as they claim not to be, if they read this post, will say I’m crazy, I’m lonely as all the guys that grouped together in the parking lot assumed and felt shame when I said is this normal to guys? Not even girls talk this much shit about men, attempted to engage in a conversation that had condescending questions in the matching tone cama my response, when a guy expects a girl to come up to him your scared, if you put down a woman your intimidated, if you have the same mentality and have the same opinion your trying to fit in. And since I’m such a stuck up bitch it’s because you expected me to come to you, expected me to be affected by an opinion that doesn’t matter to me for various reasons, and that at the end of the day when you expected me to not confront you after your insecure ass is talking so loud to make sure that I heard your trash talk in your group because you all to scared to say it to my face, why would I even want to engage in a conversation with you when all you had to do is come up to me and talk to me like a regular person. You can call me a slut or a bitch but I’m the slut that you can’t get cause of your fear, you ego, and your inability to handle rejection. Which is why I suggest changing your approach and be more respectful because the woman you talk about is sure of herself, accomplished, and confident, which seems like assuming that I’m crazy is a deflection of your fear of a challenge. If you are going to be respectful and not tell me what I want to hear let’s talk, and if you aren’t, don’t waste my time. Because truth is you haven’t seen crazy yet. Wait until you see a woman go crazy when she doesn’t have feelings for a man, I hear it’s deflection from the many men that fucked her over and pushed her to the breaking point that she made her want to get back at all the men in her life. Hey after the passive aggressive joke they started, I thought they would appreciate that. 🤷🏼♀️. I mean my dad always roll with punches when you roll with guys. Glad I left The Who’s your daddy now joke out. But real talk, can we end gender roles because some women exhibit the same behavior which in the end becomes a never ending cycle of surrendering our true self with an role you gained that still blessed with so much, still feel incomplete.
This week is a very special week for me. This is the month that based on the beginning of the journey. This was originally the day I was meant to die based on the terminal status. This month was also the month that I made the decision to be the change back in 2019, this was the month that I put boundaries up and standing up for myself in a toxic relationship and stopped having a partner manipulate my worth and question my success when he failed to justify a ethical and logical reasoning why his emotional abuse and holding him accountable for the things he did to lose my trust and the unconditional love I gave in my 8th attempt of giving him the benefit of the doubt thughout my life, many disappointments occurred in my life. Throughout my life of avoiding transparency which resulted in the feeling of feeling trapped and in every great escape engaged in destructive behavior. I was an immediate fan of Lady Gaga which through her song “Born This Way”’made me receptive to being different as then I was trying to resolve my childhood trauma that was never successful that had me struggling through college. I was requested to see someone else when her visits were ineffective, became defensive when I ended up asking how many success stories had she attained, and insulted me when I told her she had no business treating people if she doesn’t have the life experience or success rate to back her up. One thing that has always been genuinely is wanting to get as much information as I could find to make my own decision.
Reflecting on it now it may have been a result stemmed from the trauma when I realized they the people that should have known better are capable of doing things to cover there ass, thus preventing the act of human nature. A million made a huge impact in my life in her album Joanne first with Perfect Illusion followed by Million Reasons. These orchestrated musical pieces started off as an anthem of self doubt and self resentment for then self pitty, then started a journey that ended in the greatest and most amazing milestone I ever experienced, in the form of absolute self love, self respect, and the respect for the beautiful disasters we all truly are. Which made me realize that even though I never had an addictive personality, my addiction was to make everyone who was damage heal and live their best life. The problem with that was that I had no business helping anyone as I couldn’t even succeed in helping my own damn self. Still inflicted with ghost of my past, stigmas from the ones that took advantage of my vulnerablilty, and most importantly was deflecting things and convincing myself that my bad behavior was justified. Realizing that the unhappiness I had was because I was trying to fit a standard that is constantly changing with the trends, the life hacks that involved deception, manipulation, which currently is referenced as dark psychology which when it’s all said and done learning how to influence people through sociopathic tendencies. Thus revealing that even though I said I wouldn’t be the people that came at me sideways, that I would never be a basic bitch, that I would never conformed and be original. And like all the abusive relationships all I did was find the million reasons why I was always the problem and a million reasons to deny that all I did was enable those to continue the bad behavior that they commit against themselves and to others. Because truth is I depended on things and people to justify my self worth.