People assume things, which is something we all know and have experienced. What we fail to see is the fact that people do this out of their own fears. Which one common fear that social norms have conditioned to conform, is this idealism that being single is a bad thing. Which in turn has a lot of people settling for toxic people in their life. Which is how I began to identify that people depend on statuses to determine their worth as well. As the first way to insult me is the fact that I am not surrounded by people in my life. Which telling them it’s a lifestyle choice is hard for them to believe. As this began to show that people were actually codependent on the need to be around someone. Which in addition showed the fear of being alone. Which at first was hard for me to do because I had the same fear. But truth of the matter is, I started getting really use to it. Which happened way more when shit hit the fan during my time in Houston. Where my best friend at the time to keep me company, which I appreciated. But it became a little tedious at time because he was sometimes a little selfish when it came to his needs. Which at the time he was dwelling on a break up he was experiencing, which also had him ghost a bitch when he would be in a a kinship. As he was one of those who put too much work in making others happy than himself. Which ended up becoming more of a burden at times instead of blessing. As now I had to figure out how to not only put food on the table for me, but now a burdening guest.
Often times, I was grateful he was there as he helped a lot. Most of the time I didn’t. As he would always bitch and complain about having to do something when I was paying the lights and bills to make sure we all where comfortable. I remember the first fight we had, when his entitled ass didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t rushing to go to San Antonio as I was still trying to grasp this getting it together act. Which if he would of waited, which was the cause of me working back to back handy woman gigs. Threw a temper tantrum and said he wasn’t’ going to leave. Using the “that’s why you’re always going to be alone cause you can’t let things go.” The rebuttal to that was “I’m not going to let someone take advantage. Which later on showed that he had “gaslighting” tendencies as well. Which only occurred when he was truly wrong. He’s not a bad person at all. He’s actually one of the greatest people I know. But one thing that he got conditioned to be was have a “condescending” mentality based on the things they had. Which came from a fearful mother who hides away and turns everyone from her home in the midst of COVID. Which is here say based on what my friend told me. Which she is also a good person as well. But in the face of threat or fear is when the act that we all engage in is the act of trying to “scare that threat and fear away” that we find in other people. Which just puts us in a predicament that we are full circle to the habits we don’t change. And having the fear remain.
When i was in solitude, I felt so much relief, especially in this time. Where now having emotional self control of the things that I was fearful of made me not believe the truths in the gaslighting “that I am being anti-social and going crazy.” Most of the times when I would engage, I started seeing that people wanted me around so they can see what was truly wrong with me. Where in intimidation and now knowing I am going to call out bad behavior, avoided me like the plague. Which checking up to see how they were doing would immediately respond to “I’m sorry I haven’t hung out with you,” which my rebuttal was “I don’t want to hang out, I’m just checking if your alive.” Which revealed that in the moment when people don’t feel important or valued, they get insulted. Which in some cases had people saying silly things like “You think you’re better than me” or “I see how it is. You wanted to see how miserable I was,” which I would get blindsided at first saying “Calm down drama.” Which then went to a whole array of the same thing in offense of something I genuinely did in concern. Which coin the phrase “Not today misery. I ran out of pendejadas for the day,” which then go into these emotional outburst (something that my boss Ernie would say) which my smart and sarcastic ass would reply with “Not today Satan.” Which I just stopped doing after a while all together. Another thing I picked up on this was the conformity of “comparing ourselves to others” as discussing my wins would bring up something to “win one up” on me. Which when I would call it out and after failed attempts in gaslighting I would be like “Bye Felicia. If it was a man, I would be like “Bye Felipe.”
Every time after that, I started recording these events and determining the things I could of controlled and where I was in the wrong. Which having people around would have someone putting their two cents in on things they had no intention of working on, which if they would give advise. Would show later that they fail at taking their own advice. Which revealed the bias and the justification as why we were justified in taking an unethical action. Which if we are going to be straight up about it, is entitlement. Which is a desire to gain special treatment. Which when given multiple times, ends up instilling the entitlement. Which made me see that in these acts, we are enabling this entitlement in some way shape or form. As we let people cross our boundaries, we are always justifying the gray area and why it’s okay for someone to get away with it, but not somebody else. Which the “you need to let things go” becomes a form of psychological manipulation as they didn’t earn that right for us to let that go. As “forgiving and forgetting” has them doing the same damn thing. And when we allow that, we end up not controlling the controllable. Which is maintaining the boundary fairly across the board. Which in turn becomes are our own fault in the end. Which we allow in the presence of our fear.
Respectfully, I attempted like always to give a fair amount of chances for someone to respect my boundaries. I don’t know where this came from, but another thing that this made me identify was that we conform to believe that “people over exaggerated their accomplishments.” Which those trying to impress people have also been conditioned to do so they can try to fit in. But what happens in that scenario is that your lying ass gets called out for the things you lied about “cause you have no way to prove it.” Which use to work Post-COVID was making excuses as to why you haven’t had time to show proof. Which those same people who lie about the thing tend to use the “prove it” conformal insult that when they asked about my book in mockery in Uber I said “I have one right here.” Which they responded with “Oh shit, you really wrote a book.” Which most times people will Google you to look up how valid your credentialing is. Which those who are already intimidated of you , will lie to themselves and find it offensive when you in their attempted shame and insults show them first hand all the accomplishments you’ve done. Which the gaslighting starts again with the lie they tell themselves in their insecurity is that “she thinks she’s better than me.” Then attempt to bandwagon people to believe that is the truth. Which if you have already fallen for this, you were “psychologically manipulated.”
Of all the things I did wrong with self development, I did something right. Which in the end was figure things out without emotional crutches, including the validation of others. The one thing that I realized is that the advise given was all based on a idealism stemmed from fear. All the behaviors all stemmed from the things that we were insecure about. And all the bad things, enabled by encouraged bad behavior from others. Which we still have to take accountability for if we want to improve. It was too often that I began seeing the another conformity of bad behavior, which was blaming others for the things we failed to do ourselves. Which my childhood ride and dies who are still my ride and dies all have shown me how to master. They knew they weren’t perfect, but they always had to answer. My entitled ass at the time thought I knew better cause of these accomplishments and degrees that I gained that never mattered in the end. The fucked up about it was that it was a scam. But on the bright side, in that scam they actually used University text books that was at the end just over priced and were forced to get it directly from the school. It wasn’t an option, it as a requirement. Which began to change a bit when the for profit school began to show signs of incrimination. And in the end, no one is to blame. As those who believed this was legitimate based off what corporate said. Which the only thing they can take accountability for was the act of continuing when they realized that it was a scam. Which making excuses for that bad behavior only put others in a compromising situation unwillingly. Which now, the only thing they can do is look in helping gain justice. As little do they know, hold a lot of information on inspiring justice in change.
For the longest time, I always believed in the power of numbers. As we always learned that we are stronger in numbers. In physical strength maybe, but not in mental strength. Where being attacked emotionally and mentally and having those surrender proved that their truly is power in the number of one. I began pondering the idea as DC began coming out with the origin stories, which Wonder Woman had the ball rolling and Captain Marvel just confirmed that idealism. As the undertone of both movies was women fighting against the belittling society subjects women too. Which in many cases we fall for it, having those in psychological manipulation using our fears against us. Which after gaining the super power of one did what Captain Marvel said which was her iconic line “I have nothing to prove to you.” Which shows the typical acts that occur in a trauma bond. Which is why I feel the woman power movement never stayed, as we were outnumbered by unethical men, who still saw us as accessories. Which in turn stemmed from insecurity of male ego’s entitlement stemmed from mommy issues. Which many men who feel this way have a history of mommy issues. Which why not expose the characteristics of mommy and daddy issues, shall we? https://www.talkspace.com/blog/mommy-daddy-issues-are-they-real/. At least this way it gives both sides an equal playing field.
One of the things that was hard for me to realize was that I was more capable than I gave myself credit. As waiting around for someone to save me or help in or do the right thing wasn’t happening. When the livelihood of others is being jeopardized in corruption, you have to either get on the train or get thrown off in motion. Where throwing me off didn’t work. Because this girl learned how to fly and scoop down at the those who once were predators. Being away from other opinions and influences did more good than those who used it as punishment ever imagined it would. As the self sufficiency I always had, made me do my own research and move forward. Which has me wondering if I should open my own publishing company locally and help the talent we have in San Antonio. As there is so much undiscovered talent waiting to be discovered. Because of this systematic bullshit, we might be losing sight of. As one of things that made Beethoven so famous, was people who appreciated his work after his time. Where Moonlight Sonata was something he wrote in his mourning when he lost the love of his life. As she was forced to marry someone in her own tax bracket. Which can you imagine what other amazing works he wouldn’t composed if he was in the limelight. We would have archived composers of music that is kept safe in a vault. Which systematics has been around for centuries, which they just failed to see it then.
No one knows the true struggle until they struggled, which reflecting alone helped me realize this without the opinion of others. As it helped me reflect on all cycles of my life from when I was the poorest of poor to the well off. Which going back to the poorest of poor, ended up being a walk in the park the second time. As “work like an immigrant” which also was told to me at Sprint, was the mantra I took in, which catching COVID in March-April had me save up cash to not only finish the newly added chapter, but get it published. As I told my publisher, if I die from this virus, I want this to be published as a reference guide for anyone who may needed it. Which in the worst case scenario, it helped people face and conquer some of the things they were afraid of. However if that was my fate, would leave people with so many unanswered questions. Which another thing I gained in solace was having appreciation for other’s people wisdom. As I become more open to feedback, eager to ask questions of the things I didn’t understand, and offer suggestions on how to make it better. Which when taken in insult would say “Well go fuck yourself then.” Which would follow why I forsee all the things wrong with it in a big picture mentality. Which another thing I embraced is that sense of mentality. Which my whole life was shamed for it based on the role I was meant to be in society. Or in my world, the person who wanted a relationship with me.
Every time someone offered help, I said I will take it if it’s selfless. Which my ex would always throw in my face when I didn’t appease his attempts of psychological manipulation in his fear of being alone. He attempted to make that fear mine, using scare tactics of the worst case scenario. But never to be found when it occurred. Which made me see him for the true sociopath he was. Which showed signs of always blaming others and showing behaviors of entitlement that if you look closely; could see past in his fake fuckery he swore by. You could see just how selfish he was which he ended up ghosting and reappearing again, trying to use my demise as leverage to make me feel bad about myself. Which sending me a pic through messenger saying “Look what you missed out on” had me saying “If it meant tolerating you’re bullshit, it wasn’t worth it.” Which is the last time I ever heard from him again. Something that he always said that I saw through was his cheap line of “If it doesn’t work out between us, I am done with dating,” which I wish I could see if he was a man of his word. Because either too things occurred. He’s jumping from relationship from relationship. Or he became a man whore. Which again is a conformed idealism brought by society if you look at your history of anyone who said that. Because the truth is, solitude helped me identify the behavior patterns of mine and the behavioral patterns of those who were deflecting the same thing. It gave me a a lot of time to put two and two together. Which made me see that in the end, we all respond the same way. Which is made me see, just how destructive social norms have become to us all.