Embarking on a journey on an unfamiliar road is always an uneasy and menacing task for everyone. I first thought when I sacrificed the life that I thought I wanted. I was blessed with being my father’s caretaker from the life I was blessed with. But one of the things that I would find to be the most challenging hurdle in my life was when my dad came back home from hospice. Just four days ago, after I swallowed my pride to respect my father’s wishes. One is that he would never be put in a nursing home. The other is dying in a death bed away from home. The two most brutal wishes that anyone will ever have to face in their life. But through that, I eliminated the bias I once had for those who chose that care of plan. Because to do this takes nerves of steel. Seeing your loved one in a way that is both scary and full of uncertainty. All while dealing with your grief and the grief of others. In the end, I am glad to be the level-headed person in the family dynamic, despite the abuse that comes from those in denial.
I reflect on the grief I experienced and my grief when losing two other close family members. There are two parts of grief; coming to terms with the acceptance in his journey. That there are two parts of grief. This is why it’s tough to overcome tragedies because there is a demise process. We feel we lose when things don’t go according to our plan. Which proved to be even more difficult because I am a person who sees the glass half full.
Another thing my dad made sure I conserved in this crazy thing has life. And reminiscing the talks he had with me throughout my dad. My dad always reminded me that there was always a silver lining. Even if it doesn’t seem like it. Which, for my dad, was when I swallowed my pride and surrendered control. And for me was courage that I continued to show. This was hard when I was the only one willing to administer his comfort meds. Because despite the grief and the pain that I feel. As I struggle to prepare for our “till we meet again.” I was able to make it about my dad and the act of honoring his wishes. It’s the most heartbreaking thing I have ever faced in my life.
In my grief, I confused denial with bargaining. Second-guessing myself and the plan we moved forward with because the truth is. I am scared to imagine dad physically with me. But the bittersweet feeling is that in this pain and grief. Ironically a sense of peace fills me. Thanks to my two friends Jenna a hospice nurse, and my best friend, Cristina. Because the truth is in remembering the great times we had. Most recently, the early birthday celebration I had with him for a few moments. I will always cherish and remember him because I begin to find many other great moments through that. And all I want to do in the last moments of my dad’s life. Not only have him die in peace, but knowing just how incredible and inspirational he indeed was.
In his transition to the great beyond, I remind him that he is my hero. Showing the selflessness and bearing the grief, he would be feeling overprotective of him. Always pointing out my toxic behaviors, despite him having them. Wanted something more for his daughter. Which he proved through the sacrifices he made being a single father. The great thing is that my dad taught me how to take pride in earning my own stuff versus depending on others. Both emotionally and physically. Something he always reminded me about every day before all this. I’m making my dad proud wherever he will be. Because not only did I break the family curses, we were all trapped under. I became the girl that he could be proud of. And despite the grief, that’s all that matters.