Are Your Unresolved Pain and Issues Making You Into a Bad Person?


Psychologists and theorists have argued this subject since the beginning of time, which is the psychological theory of nature vs. nurture. There are many very complex theories that I won’t bore you with the details with, and of course, many haven’t been able to prove this theory for many reasons. To make a long story short. The reason is that in the end. The data collected in such a study would not be consistent as the person conducting the survey would die before the study is complete. Having someone else finish the study would be irrelevant due to the different ways that the study would be perceived. And with the person gone, would not be able to check the study to see if the data is still accurate. The only one that could do this effectively would be the one that conducted the study, which is why this lingering debate could never be accurately verified.

There used to be a time that I was highly insecure due to the unresolved pain I never took the initiative to resolve in my 20’s. The truth is stepping into the world and being advised by people who had a genuine concern for me. I never took the advice as young and naïve back then; I swore that the same result wouldn’t happen to me as I always felt that I was one step ahead of the game. But the truth was, shit always played out the same damn way swearing to myself that next time. Things would be different. But things never seemed to get better. They just seemed to get worst and worst as I attempted to try again. As the saying goes, “Same shit. Different smell.”

I struggled to find the solutions to these reoccurring problems throughout my life. It was seeming to make the same mistakes that I made and having the same outcome. It wasn’t until I turned back to writing that helped me start wanting to seek help from a psychologist to help me figure out why I was such a “hot mess” back then. The one thing that became my saving grace was journaling, as I was doing this as soon as I learned how to write. And the saving grace in this journey was that I kept every single journal. When I told my psychologist this, he suggested that I read the past journals. It had revealed something shocking at the time as a writer providing self-help and psychological advice, which now was passed down to me in my novels. I ended up finding one consistency. My insecurities and my unresolved pain were what were causing me to self-sabotage.

The truth was I was making similar mistakes, differently as life passed me by in the savior complex that I broke out of in my 30’s. I was allowing people to manipulate me all for the sake of taking advantage. Because in many of these cases, those people only wanted sympathy instead of empathy. All for the sake of getting what they needed to get by. In deflection and their denial, many of these people would always say they didn’t need me. But, “if they didn’t need me as they claimed. Then why did they have to use me?” Which in my late twenties had me doing all sorts of self-sabotaging things through defense mechanisms. Because the truth was, I didn’t know how to establish boundaries effectively—not having the help at the time.

The truth was I was making similar mistakes, differently as life passed me by in the savior complex that I broke out of in my 30’s. I was allowing people to manipulate me all for the sake of taking advantage. Because in many of these cases, those people only wanted sympathy instead of empathy. All for the sake of getting what they needed to get by. In deflection and their denial, many of these people would always say they didn’t need me. But, “if they didn’t need me as they claimed. Then why did they have to use me?” Which in my late twenties had me doing all sorts of self-sabotaging things through defense mechanisms. Because the truth was, I didn’t know how to establish boundaries effectively—not having the help at the time.

I didn’t know how to set boundaries. Reading my past journals and the insecurities I possessed at the time had me in a quest to satisfy my ego, which was the act of being accepted. Which no matter how much I lied to myself then, I didn’t know how to be alone and comfortable with myself. Which one thing that human nature also has us do is depend on other people and interactions to make me valued and appreciated. It was making me defenseless. Just like many of us do, that leads us into toxic rhetoric. My therapist said that if I didn’t get help after I went, I was discriminated against and sexually assaulted at the workplace. I would have probably made into a person I didn’t want or what was ever meant to be.

Unresolved issues and insecurities make us do so many self-sabotaging things. Not only does it instill self-doubt in us. It also stems from fear in many situations. We do this as a defense mechanism to avoid dangers from coming into our lives. Many times, as long as we get what we want. We feel safe and satisfied. Even if it’s only for a short time, an act of settling for something less than what we deserve. They say, “To get what you want. You have to work hard to get it.” This is why we allow ourselves to be taken for granted and taking advantage of us because we misinterpret hard work for tolerating toxic and abusive behaviors. The unfortunate thing with unresolved pain and insecurity is that we self-sabotage ourselves. After a while, we begin to settle because we don’t know what we are worth, which unintentionally and intentionally takes advantage of an easy target. As in this psychological state, we are easily influenced. To change our points of view and values, we have made ourselves accustomed to settling for what we can get.

What made me become a life coach and pursue psychology was my psychologist’s advice, which explained why I developed a savior complex. Which when he realized my empathy for others, I was taking accountability for my actions. He mentioned I would be an excellent fit for this as many psychologists didn’t possess the life experience. And if they did, they were in denial of it, which in their insecurities and how some sessions may trigger past unresolved traumas. It took a lot of work to do it but in the end. I learned my value and what I am capable of. I always wanted to be a writer, but the perceptions that others had about writing and me hindered me from even attempting to write. Thanks to the mentorship I gained in writing, I had many misconceptions about what writers should be, as writing is a business that needs to be grown like any other business. The same goes for personal growth.

Another thing insecurity and unresolved issues have us believe due to instant gratification is that we want things when we want them—losing one crucial factor that is a necessity in life, patients. But the irony of this is that we lose one critical quality in life that makes us become an immoral person in the act of denial, a defense mechanism we use to gain instant gratification of being vulnerable. A fear response that we get. Which, in my case, stemmed from the fear of failure. That is why I never attempted to become a writer, to begin with. As we avoid admitting to ourselves that we are triggered by the unresolved pains and traumas of the past, losing empathy, in the end, is what makes us a bad person. Why do you think Karen’s are being exposed in alarming numbers?

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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