It’s Time To Stop Blaming Yourself And Take Back Your Life

black parents lecturing upset daughter at table
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Let’s be 100% real about one of the things that I can’t stand in today’s social norms. The blame game has become a normalized behavior in avoiding accountability. I take pride in being a humble person, so I will be the first to admit, at one point in time. I was no better than that entitled and the shitty person who blamed the world for things I allowed to happen for me. There were many times that some of those things were out of my control. But when I reflected on some of the things that occurred in my life. Many of those shortcomings were my fault. The reason being was that I was plagued with self-doubt and insecurity. Which, after some significant reflection that leads me into my writing career. One of the many things that I do to reach the goal that I have for myself is to gain the upper hand in inspiring others from where I came from. A world that is full of oppression and lost hope. Which many rely on each other to lift one another. But the only downfall to that is that many of those already plagued with lost hope. Have one mission in the misery that they have settled for in life. That brings to mine a metaphor that we all have heard once or twice before. I learned the ugly truth as people are biologically programmed to seek companionship, which is “misery loves company.”

I’ve made many mistakes in my life, which when I use to be insecure, I will blame myself for more than I should have, which in that insecurity which instilled a toxic sense of pride and misguided advice from those who also held the weight of the world on their shoulders. I learned how to not take accountability for the things that I did not have control of. This is more complicated than you think as these days, we live in a society where pointing fingers has become a part of social norm culture as many people avoid taking accountability to avoid being judged and stereotyped as being a wrong person. And thanks to normalizing another thing, entitlement. Which the Karen’s of the world have proven to be more common than we could ever imagine. Have this mentality that it’s okay to be an abusive little shit to people we look down upon. But studying psychology has taught me two things.

  1. That entitlement is an inferiority complex taken from narcissism to put to bay our insecurities about ourselves.
  2. The fear of not being liked and accepted.

But the catch twenty-two about this is that no matter how good or bad we genuinely are as a person. Somewhere out there, someone will perceive us as a villain. Regardless if it’s justified or unjustifiable based on the personal feelings and the insecurities that the individual has. The bottom line comes from the unresolved issues that put those insecurities and values in the first place. Which had me ask, why the hell do I care how people see me if they are going to make their conclusions about me?

The unfortunate thing is that insecurity makes us see things in a distorted way. One of the things that I truly believed for the longest time was that I was ugly outside. Which even when I modeled, I still had this insecurity. So, of course, I learned behavior from the people I associated with, to shit on someone before they shit on you. It became the go-to defense mechanism I used through my twenties. Turning my back on where I came from because of the judgment that followed, which I ended up breaking when I turned thirty. Which worked towards my advantage after time as when people stereotyped me, I played my stereotype and made them believe that I was stupid, naïve, and gullible. When they realized that I wasn’t and began calling them out on their shit, I became the villain. But the truth is, how the hell was I the villain when they already had premeditation to take advantage of me, which is when I started to take accountability for the things that I could control. In turn, I stopped blaming myself for something that I didn’t control, thus getting back control of my life.

After taking accountability for the things I could control, I gained a hard to explain empowerment. At first, it started with avoiding people altogether because the truth was I was prone to being walked over, as being a good person has its disadvantages at times, which came from giving people the benefit of the doubt and expecting the same things in return. Which one of the foolish things that I did was automatically have trust in people, when in the end, I should have had them earn my trust because I expected the same things that I gave back. The problem with that is any people have gone through so much adversity that people gave up on themselves a long time ago. Settling for the things that they had and not wanting anything more than to be comfortable. There is nothing wrong with that but at the same time. It makes you start believing that there is nothing else for you. I began accepting this as my truth. No thanks to my insecurity. But the more I did this, the more I blamed myself. It was making me feel like a worthless person. Despite everything that I already accomplished, I began settling because of one ultimate reason that held me back from the hell I have created for those who purposely took advantage of the less fortunate I have done in less than two years. The fact that I didn’t learn how to forgive myself.

You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it. But, to do that. You have to learn how to cope with past traumas, which was hard for me, mainly because I experienced some uncomfortable trauma in childhood and adulthood. It was hard at first, because of course. If you are used to blaming yourself for the world’s problems, you know why. But one thing that I started to realize was that in many of these situations where I didn’t know better. Someone else did, but they decided to take advantage of a vulnerable situation. Which the child molestation I endured was one of many traumas that had me blaming myself. Because many point the finger with phrases like “if you didn’t do this” or “if you didn’t do that, then it would have never happened.” Bu the thing is terrible things are not supposed to happen in this world that everyone says is rainbow and gumdrops, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give up hope on the change as many are ready to make it happen. This is why we shouldn’t hinder those with the desire to do so as they see opportunities that you haven’t seen yet, through their life experience.

Another thing that we normalize in today’s society is the act of “living in fear” is the situation of child trauma from molestation. Where the adult is supposed to know better and still took advantage of a vulnerable situation. I had to ask myself one question that I never thought to ask myself. “If I was a child and didn’t know any better. Then why the hell did the adult, the person who knew better, think it was okay to do such a shitty and unethical act like that?” Asking myself that same question made me question many of the other situations where the authoritative figure engaged in unethical and, in many times, cruel and abusive acts. How will I blame myself for someone else’s shitty demeanor when they should have known better.

multiethnic students having conflict on street
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When I began to realize that, I began to start forgiving myself. Now, feeling “stupid” and “naïve,” I had to learn how to forgive myself for blaming myself for other people’s shitty behavior. When we get framed and accused of doing things that we had no blame for, we stay quiet in fear that more trouble will come our way. But that is how they get you, through fear tactics and intimidation. That now, being sure of myself and the things I hold myself accountable for. I end up speaking up and fighting back, regardless of the trouble that may come my way. As many have threatened “my life,” I say, “I am a fucken writer. I will be damned if I shut the fuck up and not do anything about it.  Try me, regardless of the outcome I come up with. Because all well-known authors become famous when they die!”

Many get caught off guard with the response because they assume that I am just talking about their insecurity. Many who are insecure will make biased decisions based on their insecurities and shortcomings. This results in one thing that usually perceives them as a threat: anti-social behavior, with me having a burning need to make a difference for the world’s misfits and now having the power to do so through blogs and book publishing. The only person they hurt is themselves. As being humble, “I AM NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE!” Nor do I have the desire to be because the truth is. We all have experienced similar pains in life.

To take back control of your life and destiny, you have to learn how to forgive yourself. We are not made to be perfect, and we all make mistakes. The real question you have to ask yourself is, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO CHANGE THOSE MISTAKES!” Every one of us is hindered by limits that we put upon ourselves. As well as the limitations that those who stereotype us put in our way. We have been overly defensive at one point in time with someone, but we still have worked to redeem ourselves. Because of another hindrance, thanks to society, we normalize the rationalization of why we are better without the person, which turns into envy and hatred within us. When we see them rise the ranks because we underestimated their abilities and their progress, even if we completely burned the bridge with that resource, we engaged in the same mistakes. We continue to repeat the circle jerk of life by surrounding ourselves with negative people who tell us what we want to hear. Sometimes we have to listen to what we don’t want to hear to improve. But you can’t get there if you don’t forgive yourself. Because instead of taking steps forward, we begin to take steps back in self-sabotage. Living life in regret, lying to ourselves that we have no regrets losing hope, keeps us from fighting and, in the end, settling. Because to gain self-love, you got to learn how to forgive yourself first. Because you might see it yet, but you may be the change that people are in dire need of seeing.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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