I use a saying, "You can't help those who aren't willing to help themselves," that serves as truth in many situations. But the things that I forget, as it's been four years since I have been in a toxic case, come from someone very close to me dealing with their poisonous situation. "You can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved." I neglected that many people who are toxic people have already made their decision not to help themselves.
After having this heart to heart with a friend a few weeks back, I began to recall the feelings that occurred in this situation. The constant unhappiness that I felt when I was walking on eggshell. Not being able to have complete control of my life because it was always our situation when it came to the things that would make life better for me at the end, where ultimately it was his insecurities that made him feel that in my come up. I would leave him behind, which my ex-husband confessed a long time ago when we crossed paths again. That had him say something I never expected him to say, "No matter who gets in your way. You always have a way of breaking through the barriers that people put in front of you." After the crap we both put ourselves through in our last attempt to fix one another, it gave me the additional muscle in battling the situation that would lead to a career that I always dreamed of doing, writing. That is our last and final conversation, which made me gain even a more defined feeling of empathy as one of the things he shared with me was that he never knew or was taught how to cope with his emotions instead of becoming someone that would help just women. I decided to help both men and women as his desire to change for the better was hindered by many stigmas that, in the end, confined him into believing the lie about gender roles and why men are not men when they get the help that they need to have a much more fulfilled life. As his past toxic relationships, the one he had before the relationship with me. It was ultimately what made him feel like he didn't have control but often lost control. Something that I could relate to.
the helplessness may not be yours specifically
The insecurities that we gain from the dynamics of the standards we have accepted. As our own, through the interactions, we engage in. From family interactions to social interactions. That causes a snowball effect on our mental health. This article from "The Light Program" goes into further psychological detail on how this
In many cases, it is about having nice things. In other cases, it's how much we are loved and liked. In other cases, it's the ability to maintain a relationship. The feeling I know all too well about proving to someone else that you are worthy of being loved. For some, it's all of these things, which if you noticed in other's behaviors. It's the constant stress of feeling you are doing too much or too little in maintaining the balance. That leads to the conduct of tolerating things we don't want to feel—all to maintain a security blanket of being seen as worthy.
The truth is that we never are in complete control as we are always appeasing others versus focusing on our genuine happiness. When we feel like we gain power, it never fails to follow the guilt of being selfish and wrong. For those who are good people, it becomes our weakness that we give in to. As this an enabling behavior, those toxic entities have already been conditioned to do, something my ex elaborated on and how he ended up using my doubts against me and my insecurities. To avoid losing something he valued but didn't know how to maintain or lose healthily. As the truth was, it was the behaviors he learned in keeping things for as long as he could. It was interesting to discover that he always knew he would eventually lose me, which made him fight harder to keep me. Which resulted in toxic behaviors and abuse, another thing he learned in his experiences as a child. Which makes you question "negative bias" for a moment, that you begin to see why things escalate when you are defending yourself. The truth is that if you have overcome adversity in the past, you subconsciously know you can get out of it. The reason why many tolerate it is to secure the value they perceived proved their self-worth. Already one factor that already has you feeling like you don't have control of your life. Tolerating the behavior confirms a feeling of not having control of your life. And depending on the struggle that you perceive coming if you leave, the unknown eventually makes us feel like all the hope we had is completely gone. Not realizing or seeing what we are already working with and what we can do when we put our mind into it as we have done before successfully. Dakota Geduld has a great article on reminding yourself that you do have control in the end. Read This When You Feel Like You Have No Control Over Your Life | Thought Catalog
The unhappiness that becomes denial
The one thing I remember feeling, something that many of my clients think. Both being men and women is the feeling of truly not being happy. You can convince yourself all you want, but deep down inside. You already know as you can lie to the world all you want. But, you can't lie to yourself. This is why I feel depression occurs in us. If you read the first article I posted, you can see the correlation between insecurities and mental health. One of the things that stop us in many situations is the hopelessness you feel that makes you lose your motivation to push for something more. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy sometimes, but you have to be willing to put the work in and fight to gain something impossible. One thing I began to realize when I settled for things is that it just put me in the worst predicament the more I began to settle. Telling myself that I was okay with the way things were, but I was lying to myself at the end of the day. I wasn't happy because I wasn't exceeding my expectations and just settling for someone else's insecurities.
One thing that we both discussed in our last interactions, as I desired to help people. That was contradictory to what he believed. As he genuinely was a good person, he was burnt by others before becoming the person he didn't want to be. As with him not having boundaries, he had him being used and ended up being taken advantage of. Instead of taking accountability for the things he had control over, he blamed everyone else for the things he allowed when people disrespected him and his kindness, which gave me some insight into why toxic people are toxic. It's the fear of not having control. That leads to some crappy and ugly behaviors in self-assurance and personal gain that we begin to feel as they drain the positivity out of us. Going to various extremes to get what they want and self-preserve an image they are attempting to prove to others instead of themselves.
The million dollar question - how do i get control back
So for the million-dollar question, how do you get control back of your life? One of the things that I learned that is of the utmost importance is knowing what you value, regardless of whether it's materialistic or not. This is done through finding your core values, something that is unique to every one of us. Something that not even a life coach will or shouldn't tell you is right or wrong that with the "wheel of life" marks how satisfied you are in this part of your life five or below something that needs improvement on, 5 to 7 being satisfied but may need goal attainment furthermore. Eight or above is a good range of happiness that can only lead to more. This helps map out what and develop a plan through reflection and things that a life coach will help you determine the steps you have already taken, what worked or didn't work, and help guide you in attaining those goals. It sounds easy enough, but it can be a challenge when you are emotionally invested in situations that may be stopping you from achieving the goal. The goal is for the life coach to guide you and to point some of the things that we don't see ourselves that are stopping us in our life awakening. Often, a coach may also utilize creative thinking strategies to help find solutions and help with coping with the fears that stop us.
One thing that always was helpful in my journey was self-care. When you reflect on things from the past, the goal isn't to beat yourself up on the things you didn't do but to see past mistakes and avoiding them in future interactions. Self-compassion is a key indicator that will help us move towards the next steps towards success as naturally and biologically as "creatures of habit." We tend to make the same mistakes repeatedly—not realizing this at first, as when we do learn, the lack of self-compassion and realizing that we make mistakes becomes why we remain in denial. In finding my core values, I began to ween myself. That stopped a need for anti-depressants: the lack of self-compassion and hopelessness and self-doubt if I can be honest. The truth is it's about growing, and unfortunately, those who are afraid of the unknown hinder themselves from succeeding. That feeling of not having control becomes a fear response in those who don't have confidence in themselves to overcome challenges. I wish them the best in many interactions if they use defense mechanisms to rationalize why I am not the person I say I am. The truth is, I don't live to anyone else's standards other than the ones I set for myself. The irony of this action is that until they are ready, they will never see that the happiness they are after. It comes down to a specific factor. They need to find happiness within themselves.
Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.
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