The thing about toxic relationships is that it is not discriminatory as it's an event that happens to both masculine and feminine entities, binary and binary individuals. The primary reason that we end up becoming toxic ourselves is the act of denial. Which stems from pride to avoid feeling vulnerable or inferior. The effect is that it turns the victim of a toxic relationship into a toxic person. This is the act when the abused individual ends
up going through a process called "emotional rejection along with the threat of abandonment, which psychology professional Darlene Lancer explains in her article "The Truth About Abusers, Abuse, and What to Do | Psychology Today." The big picture reality of this is that it becomes a cycle that doesn't stop until denial vanishes from the equation.
The one thing that I began to see in the middle of my life awakening was that I began engaging in this behavior to stop the negative feeling of heartbreak and betrayal. What I learned only can vanish by taking accountability and finding peace in healing. In reality, life is a process of trial and error for a solution to eliminating unpleasant events and emotions. We depend on emotional crutches to remove inferiority, which serves as Vicodin for chronic pain that won't go away without treating the underlying issues. A behavior that is common as this is how we learn how to cope. We must acknowledge that we all make mistakes as we weren't made to be perfect. The goal isn't to avoid making mistakes to seek perfection. The goal is to identify an error and to prevent ourselves from doing it again. It takes practice, transparency, and consistency to perfect the destructive behaviors.
Wrath Of Heartbreak and repressed pain
The way that I can best describe my levels of heartbreaks is with music. I would start at the Toni Braxton feeling brought by the song "Un-break My Heart." That would lead to the feelings that Duffy's "I'm Scared" emphasizes in her breakup ballad. When I passed grief, and into anger, it became actions brought by Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats." To make clear, never acted on. Come on. I had my self-sabotaging ways of doing this, like sublimation, to gain a fitness goal. A motive used to make him realize what he lost out on. Which ended up in the feeling of Alanis Morrisette's "You Outta Know." Making sure he knew exactly what he did to me, regardless if he had no interest. What? I am a life coach who talks about being in denial after all. That would lead to me being in denial of being over the toxic relationship, an act of self-deception as the cycle repeated, which stopped after stopping self-deception. But in self-deception, it started making super defensive. That developed an assumption that the presents of a healthy relationship had me becoming abusive to protect my emotional well-being, often being a little paranoid and acting upon the paranoia even though the person showed a genuine interest in and unconditional love for me is true romantic love.
The truth is that in negative bias, something I mention in my post often. It is something as humans we do to avoid the adverse events and feelings from someone else's behaviors. In the act of denial and repression, our perception becomes misguided in self-deception. Okay, a lot after being hurt over and over. That we in denial wonder why or how this continues to happen. The thing we must realize is that it's ordinary in trial and error. It's a learning curve that we are trying to figure out in the end. It's nothing to be ashamed of. The goal, in the future, is to stop the negative behavior from happening again. The truth is that we must have empathy for ourselves. An act that in the psychology world is the act of self-compassion, being exactly how it sounds. Compassion for ourselves. In my journey had me feeling like Ed Sheeran's "Save Myself." Here is an excellent article from Dr. Christa Smith from Psychology Today titled "Self-Compassion: Why your relationships with you matter." Self-Compassion | Psychology Today
Heartbreak turn Cynicism
One of the things that I realized is that you can't force someone to be happy. That enforces the reality that you can't help someone who can't help themselves. The truth is that the
only thing you can do is lead someone to happiness as it's a personal choice that they have to make for themselves. As Daniel Fryer, Master In Psychology, emphasizes in his article "Happiness Is a Carrot | Psychology Today." When we try to play the hero with good intentions and the other person refuses, which is typical. Use the act of victimization; they tend to make us feel sorry for them. That has them compare why their situation is worst than ours. The truth is that often, we start using abusive behaviors in defense mechanisms that we begin to resent over time. Having these behaviors live in our personal lives and professional lives, many times a simultaneous occurrence. After those in entitlement and victimhood, we become more and more desensitized. That results in negative bias and the inability to set boundaries. Because it's people we hold close to our hearts, it makes us avoid these situations by engaging in toxic behaviors. In an "if you hurt me, I am going to hurt you" idealism. We continue to tolerate it because we end up keeping these people in family relationships and friendships in our lives. That has avoided relationships altogether. Because let's face it, we don't need any more toxic people in our lives.
When Negative Bias Takes Over
In a previous blog, I spoke about what this is and how we biologically do in negative bias in a general sense. But in a more elaborate sense, we avoid these negative emotions and events by dwelling on these events. A biological trait that we all use, and if you're transparent with yourself. You can admit that we do this when in heartbreaks when past events didn't end positively. One great example when you are willing to help others. However, the favor isn't paid back in return. In her article "Negative Bias: Why We're Hardwired for Negativity," Kendra Cherry elaborates on the effects negative bias has and what goes on in negative bias. Negative Bias: Why We're Hardwired for Negativity (verywellmind.com)
In my experience, it would hinder my decision-making as this negative mindset would have me expect the worst-case scenario from happening. Where behaviors or the way things would play had me expecting a negative result in various interactions. It prevented me from creating a plan of action to find solutions to the outcome. At the same time, many of these consistent occurrences happened because I didn't have an established set our boundaries. Even when I developed these boundaries, I never stayed consistent in enforcing these boundaries. Using stereotypes to make decisions on who would cause a negative experience in my life. The truth is, in the very last relationship, I dated what people deemed as the "ugly guy." The fact was, even the ugly guy was more damaged than I was. The reality was that he had self-conscious stigmas that had him living in the past. I believe made him become a true narcissist as this would ultimately be the way he rationalized his abusive behaviors. By having him attempt to make me feel sorry for his privileged and wealthy parents afforded him. That he never had appreciation and gratitude for.
I began to see that I wasn't the problem as some of the people he was involved with started reaching out for advice during and after the relationships he got involved in. I also sought advice in my darkest moments when gaslighting was used to make my family believe that my erratic behavior resulted from chemical dependency and not due to trying to cope with the discrimination I was facing at Sprint. That resulted in the statement, "you shouldn't let anyone make you feel inferior." I always had a defensive reaction when I asked, "if I felt inferior, then I would avoid confrontation and allow someone to violate me. Right? \When I share this advice to flight, I would never win against a big corporation, suggesting I must have done something to provoke the behavior. A behavior that is called victim-blaming. Another normalized behavior adapted to social and cultural norms. Dr. David B Feldman's article "Why Do People Blame the Victim is a must-read regarding this behavior? Why Do People Blame the Victim? | Psychology Today. In the end, it made me realize that sometimes you need help, and it's okay, especially when it's from someone who overcame the negativity that they no longer live in.
TURNING A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE
The one things important thing that we have to understand is that we all make mistakes. Self-compassion is the one thing we should all strive to gain. Mental and emotional self-help can help us take the steps towards this as it begins to help us get to the root of the problem. The cause of repression and denial prevents us from seeing the truth to the reality of the adverse events and emotions in our current environment, which becomes an act of self-deception. The action from defense mechanisms that we engage results in self-sabotaging our happiness. Dr. Neel Burton describes the consequences of self-deception in his article "Self-Deception Series: Repression and Denial | Psychology Today." The effects of self-deception begin to establish feeling ashamed of our situations and desire to change. The unfortunate consequence of this is that we never find happiness. No matter how much we stay in denial, it will always be insecurity that follows us through the rest of life. With the heartbreaking scenario, lying on our deathbed feeling that we wasted the life we lived.
We all are dealing with something through life, but there is a healthy way of dealing with it. When we adapt to victim culture and embrace the mentality that leads to entitled behavior, it begins a cycle of abuse that turns the abused into the abuser. Thru normalization and tolerating toxic behaviors, seeming like hope may be a pipe dream, which is hard to see with so many cynical people these days. They internalize and rationalize things out loud, demanding proof on things you gain in self-assurance to suppress their moral anxiety. In the end, it becomes the act of uncertainty through the conformity of social and cultural norms. That turns the victim in self-deception into an abuser, to feel for once that we are seen. That only stops when a person gains the courage to prevent their acts of conforming but the courageous act of being their true self. That to help those in the same pain they once felt, break the chains to help others rise in the face of darkness and adversity.
Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.
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