The Ghost of Insecurity Past

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The Ghost of Insecurity Past

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How I avoided the act of self-sabotage from a conditioned trigger response

One of the things that I realized when writing the book is that we are all creatures of habits. I know that we all have heard the saying "you never learn your lesson" or "why do you like doing things the hard way." Which, to be fair, as we are creatures of habit and ego. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over. In some cases, we learn from the mistake and move along, assuring that we don't make the same mistake again, which is an unfortunate circumstance. We experience a situation that leaves an impression that begins to instill doubt and triggers a past trauma that instills fear and self-doubt. Humans are creatures of habit and avoid the feeling of vulnerability and with the help of survival instinct. Avoid the perceived danger to avoid re-enacting these events that kept us in a vulnerable and traumatized state. Lying to ourselves every time, this feeling comes back to haunt us again.

In the "Journey of an Unraveled Road," I began to acknowledge my behavior patterns, thank the help of always journaling. I referenced back to many of the entries that helped me realize that I was no exception to being a "creature of habit." Allowing very degrading things, all for the sake of being loved and accepted. But it wasn't obvious in the words that I used, but in a passive-aggressive manner that leads into phases of anti-social behavior. Identifying one common behavior. The inability to set boundaries and stand up for me. Upon a thorough review and memory recollection, I began to see that I experienced the traumas through life. Which, in return, established the basis I personalized my survival instinct. All in the sake of being a victim in someone's attempt to take advantage of a vulnerable situation. That had me see something I was in denial of almost my entire life. The emotional crutches that took me into the worst situations that I avoid assuming accountability for. Developing excuses for the self-sabotaging and toxic ways, I attempted to protect myself from the fears that resulted from unresolved feelings and issues that were left by the traumas I desperately wanted to forget, which is what began to live awakening that led to gaining self-efficacy and the ability to once and for all. Stand up for myself, which started with the occurrences of discrimination, an attempted sexual assault, and the attempt for my employer to take advantage of my vulnerability in the moment of helplessness and lost hope, which proves to me that I was capable of standing on my own. Which is gaining self-respect and self-love, ended up fulfilling my dream that I never thought I would ever reach, becoming a writer.

the moment of truth

As a hybrid writer, things haven't been going as I planned. As one of the values I aim for, inconsistency, sales began one of the concerns as book sales tend to lose speed after about six weeks and getting SMB aide, which I am grateful for receiving. Which looking four months ahead had I begin to wonder about the what if's. And why am I not getting the same results that my brother in publishing gained? I am extremely proud of his book "The Dead Soldier," not only getting a book deal but also a movie from his story. Following his advice, along with advice from others precisely. As best as I could under my personal limitations that I came into as a writer. Living on unemployment gained during the discrimination situation, the self-doubt and insecurities began to come back. Not realizing that the helplessness loss of hope resulted from my insecurity began to process as a failure. Evoked the trauma that I experienced previously. Perceiving in irrationality that I was being taken advantage of because I wasn't getting the results I had hoped for. Resulting in distractions that almost had me assume the worst and give up altogether. The emotional crutching had me waste time being unproductive and going on a dating site to interact with people and grab a drink with someone to distract me from the feelings I was starting to feel. Which was failure and fear of the unknown.

what changed from the past incident to now?

After spending some wasted time on this dating app, I began to see the toxic and manipulative behaviors that seemed like a norm on this platform. Guys messaging like I should be lucky that they showed interest, asking me if I was "DTS" and/or "DTF," which followed with a reply that just sounded manipulative. Playing victims when they would be rejected and having guys using the same phrases when they tried to tell me what I want to hear, which followed them, would block me after they attempted to belittle and shame me for not allowing myself to lose the self-respect. All for the sake of the company of a person who is consistent on spending time on a dating app, pretending to be someone they aren't. Which kind of felt sorry for one of the guy after he tried to make me feel sorry for him, which ended up a way of attempting to manipulate me into spending time with him. During all this, I began researching the literary publishing industry and preparing for a potential rejection from a booking agent that I hoped to work with. I also found the guidelines required in traditional publishing, finding out that I am not a self-published author but a hybrid author. Feeling like I gained control and was originally a celebratory drink alone, I ended up being a night hanging out with my Uber driver. That became a life coaching session that followed with encouragement and ways to begin healing from an emotional and abusive relationship he had a year ago. After a few more drinks and positive reinforcement, we ended up staying out the whole night. Ready to tackle the tasks on my plan of action, I created three different scenarios to ensure that the same thing happened the last time. Didn't happen happened again.

The three scenarios that would result from the outcome

The power of peace, self-efficacy and self-reassurance

One of the things that were a common thing that I would hear is that I never learned my lesson. This also followed with people already anticipating that I would make the same mistakes. The truth is that at one point, it bothered me so much when I let my insecurities consume me. I realized that I was always seeking approval because of the things that occurred in my past. I was lying to myself that I was okay when it was clear as day that I was a creature of habit. Telling myself, I was doing things differently when I was trying to prove my worth to everyone else. This is what changed. I started to prove my worth to myself. After the book, many already predicted that I would go back to the same person I used to be. The person who pretends to be someone she's not attempted to instill the doubt that they assume they can instill. What they don't know is that they can never do that to me again. I may have a slight moment of weakness, but you can always count on me. Because in self-efficacy, you can reassure yourself. But at the same time, be humble enough to ask for help. Because the ghost no longer haunts you as they use to.

in tomorrow's blog, we will discuss the psychological development that creates our motives and actions through our survival instinct and share how I got escaped from self-doubt

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Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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