The one thing drilled in my head; as a child, “The devil finds work for idle hands,” which is common in a strong religious upbringing. Another I began to identify early on with a child psychologist that my dad had me see was that emotional triggers. Which, as an adult, I ignored. As the rebel in me used risk perception swore, my family was trying to control my life. Which is one of many people who thought they knew better disregarded. I didn’t realize it was with this ”idle hand” logic, and avoiding facing the demons I told myself I did a lie I continued to say to myself my entire life. When shit hit the fan, I started reflecting; I began to notice a constant behavioral pattern that I was keeping busy on purpose to avoid going through the emotions of the things that were genuinely bothering me. When the busy work took me down a workaholic path of burnout, it led to side projects when I wasn’t in school. That led to multiple projects that would lead to drinking to relax. Which, if the antidepressants wouldn’t work, binge drinking. Or I was treating myself as a reward, which led to overpriced pedicures that led to luxury items. It was not realizing that when I felt pain, I began crunching on other things, which led to writing, which I loved doing as a kid. I was told my sophomore year of real college. I had a talent for it and should pursue it. But in my head, I wanted to change the world and felt I couldn’t do it through writing. Who knew that it would not only become a career. But also would change my life.
One of the thing that I realized during my reflection was that I would purposely more than I can chew in excess. There were times that I am not going to lie, I procrastinated on a lot of things and waited to the last minute. Since I work better under pressure, it seemed like the best thing to do. But procrastinating too much made me get behind on a lot of things. During the dark times when I wasn’t making money from being purposely revisited and reinstating my job responsibilities that my now fired boss stripped off, it began to look like an intentional act. As calling my old boss in the field, my director of my department; followed with no call back. What I began doing while I made the calls I was told everyday, which average would be about 40 max from 8 AM to 5 PM which consisted of about 8 no answers and 10 hangups. Even when I ended up landing activations, truth of the matter is I was told I couldn’t go into the stores, which how am I going to activate phones if I can’t step into the store, right? Truth of the matter is this was ultimately why it felt like retaliation. Which showed a huge history of that with the Sprint Houston office. The one reason why it wasn’t a big deal, was the assumption was that the problem will go away. This is where the undermining, stereotyping, and discrimination does. As most of the people who would be fired were minorities. The worst part, Basic Bitch Betty was white and with her track record, had many minorities fired. Which the word in the office was she was a snake in the grass. For a no name nobody that my boss told me I was, not bad hun. Truth is, in the Houston office. Now seeing it, before the merger of T-Mobile, corporate consisted of white men. Only for the exception of my boss Ernie Douglas. Which even in the district manager rankings in Houston showed to be relevant.
Right now, thinking about this, I am like damn. Truth is the only way someone would get to the top in the office is through sabotage, which made the Houston office a toxic environment. But armed with the mindset of “work hard to get everything back,” I became a handywoman. Which one of my favorite projects was building an old school cabinet. My favorite boss in the team, Boyd, got me interested in an obsession with Cowgirl boots, which woodworking in a small apartment is what I think made my condition worse. Where mold was growing, more than likely infecting the wood, which the disinfectant treatment is why it wreaked havoc on me as it was going in me in all ways. I began to do after the attempted sexual assault, and the vulgar recording was overworking myself in projects. That also revealed I was now enabling the trigger of not dealing with the realness of the event. In my head, the idea that “How can a man ruin my entire likelihood,” which the MeToo Movement that happened simultaneously was something I didn’t want to face the grim reality of what happened. Which following the same behavioral patterns of keeping busy, just ended up catching up to me.
The day that I lost hope was the day that my Godmother assumed that I wanted money from her and then stereotyped me based on letting her know that I didn’t need her money and I was prepared to do what had to do to fight back. Which in the moment of not thinking rationally, I was a bit suicidal. The reason being was after all the blood, sweat, and tears that it took me to get my degree, it was all going to be in the hands of a unethical man. Who saw me as a threat. As the reason for this was because he was national trainer that trained many other companies. Which I saw the good he possessed. But in the mist of fear, he was going to do whatever he could to protect his stability. Which began the domino effect of beginning the see what was really happening. Which was the fear of “retaliation,” which he was forced to do by his boss to get rid of the problem I felt. Which his boss, from the very start could tell was fake as fuck. Something about him always had me cautious for some strange reason. Which later, I could tell as the minion that he sent after they found a replacement had the qualities of a gullible ass kisser. Which in his retaliatory act and the way he fired me, played a similar pattern, that in his fake kindness could tell it was fear that was embodying him. Part of me and part of the guilt he had in the actions he was doing. Which I can say he felt was wrong. The funny thing about people who are afraid, they ignore the problems and the victims that are being harmed. Hoping that they don’t see the same fate, as long as they remain subordinate and in conformity. Which if you look at the bigger picture, is mostly the reason why we stay busy in these moment of others getting hurt. We find ways to occupy our time to ignore what’s really going on.
In graciousness, I was able to get back home and recovery from the trauma. Where coming home, it opened my eyes to how the world really was. It triggered something in me that I never imaged that it would. I began to stand up for others in injustice or unfairness. From entitled women who treated the cashier disrespectfully and looking at me with this disapproval look. Then bragging about using the child support to buy a designer bag. Which now being an automatic response being “So you mean to tell me that the only skill you acquired in your adult life is laying on your back and keeping up with the Kardashian’s when you should be keeping up with the bills. Great job slugger!” Which talking with my long life friend said I was always like this. Which I have to thank my dad for that as he busted his ass to help me emotionally heal. Which his systematic racism he faced as a single dad was the biased view that “Men shouldn’t raise little girls,” which him being a workaholic is probably a way he dealt with that stigma as an emotional crutch. Which I must say, no matter how much my dad beats himself up for this. He did a amazing fucken job.
Going back and reflecting on my life, I began to look at the moments of trauma I began to see something similar, was the actions of using behaviors as emotional crutches. From spending money on things that I didn’t need, keeping appearances up with the idealism of “dressing the part” will make me gain respect, using labels to determine myself worth, going out and acting reckless, engaging in relationships with unhealthy people. All because I doubted myself and wanted to fit in to society. But at the same time, it had me deflect the reality of things. That things were not as fair as I perceived it to be. Because the lie that if I climbed up the social ladder a little further, I would get the fair chance to make it. Where the “fit in to get in the “shake hands with the devil” and “it’s a dog eat dog world” made me begin to realize that the things society promises becomes an empty promise in the end. It’s who you know and how much you fluff their ego. Which all of us have been in a situation like that. Where we do the most degrading things and then get stereotyped and shamed to protect those with ill intentions. Which the consensus was “I was stupid for not taking short cuts.” And why should I do that. It would only attracted people who didn’t believe me and make me into a person I wasn’t. All for the sake of appearances. Which when told, it’s the only way. My rebuttal was “You got me fucked up.”
Getting to where I hope to get to in the motive of inspiring change for the greater good hasn’t been easy. But consistency and dignity were key in this journey. Which not realizing I applied a lot of the business logics I was gifted by many amazing leaders. Shanon, Frank, Ernie, Armando, Linda, and Margaret. Which they saw something me I couldn’t see at the time. They never gave up on me, even when I acted like an entitled shit, which I was grateful. One of the things Frank, who was like a work father figure said “I spread myself too thin,” which I am not going to lie. I took offensively and personally. But looking back at it, I am glad he was the way he was with. He had high expectations on me and during a lunch told me “I am trying to make you a better leader than I am,” which I have to thank him for. As he made me a leader that I never imagined I would be. Always telling me to “not underestimate my ability” to “never have doubt in the decisions you make” and “always take accountability,” which then not being able to use cause and effect I have to say I mastered. In the end it made me realize that things don’t happen for a reason. The people we meet, the things we experience, and the things we do. In human nature it’s said that we are biologically programed to make mistakes. But it’s not about dwelling on them, it’s about how you fix them. Which in every time I fell flat on my ass, I stood back up stronger and more determined.
Graciousness is also what I gained after I stopped relying on emotional triggers, which beating myself up began to fade more and more. I was the worst critic of myself, and now I don’t criticize my faults I fix them. Where being grateful of the mistakes also occurred. As which each and every mistake, I learned something new every time. Which the feedback I get is that “I’m overly grateful” which the way I see it. It’s not a bad thing. From the workers who even though being forced to work to put food on the table, am sincerely grateful for their services. The charity I get from those who don’t want to see me struggle , grateful for their kindness and keeping my hope alive. And those who donate to help me get to the place where I can truly inspire change, grateful for the faith they have in me. Because for the longest time, I thought I was not capable of it. But which every single battle win or lose, I find solace in it as it’s something I never would do when I was living in fear that I didn’t want to admit to to pride. That stopping the emotional trigger of keeping busy, led me back to the writing venture that I was told had a talent for. That my sword being the pen or keyboard and the shield being my dignity; made me into a woman I never imaged I would ever be in this lifetime. Attempting to maintain the boundaries that people with the lack of mutual respect, try to disengage. When it’s proven that this is not the case, release the kraken. As something that becomes relevant is that their emotional crutch is engaging in bad and toxic behavior. That is stereotyping and discrimination.
Everyone has a story that seems hopeless of ever seeing good coming. Which is why I began writing my story. Which knowing that it wasn’t my truth, would not listen when people said “I was feeling sorry for myself.” Truth is stoicism is what was the main determinant as to why this wasn’t my truth. I took everything with my head held high in courage of conviction and never complained about the adversity I was facing. In fact it just enabled me more in my need for change. Because in this society, the thing that also came to light was the things we get conditioned to do that just makes us and others feel shittier about. Which is why I had to expose the bad behaviors that are told to us gets us somewhere. Because in order for that to happen we get shamed and degraded with a possibility that we were given false promises. Which you think about it is kind of modern day slavery. Which if you don’t have power or money, will always be part of this grim reality of things.
Respectfully, I don’t think it’s an intended act. When it becomes intentional is when those who act on it in personal choice has lost all hope in people, themselves, and in life. Which is why I feel drug addicts turn to chemical dependency because they rather not face the reality that we refuse to see. As this is their reality. At the same time it doesn’t justify the intentional wrong doing that they do. But what if hope was instilled or attempted. Those who are truly gracious will show it. Those who won’t will show it. But why stereotype all addicts based on a few bad habits. And why shame them as well. We all are addicts when pained which behavioral addiction is a thing. Which caused by an emotional trigger. Which becomes a bandaid for temporary relief of a deeper problem. Which being a workaholic is a behavioral addiction if we are going to be transparent. Which began the mentality of “I’m tired of running and I’m tired of hiding,” which became the motivation to fight against my company which you won’t be told of the second battle to keep appearances of power. Because what fueled in my heart was “It’s time for this David to face the Goliath’s of this damn world.”