The truth is, we all seek to find a place where we fit in. It’s something completely normal in human development as in the wake of quarantine has proven to be fact. Many of us begin attempting to feel this feeling as early as childhood. Depending on the home you grew up in, it might that motivating force that fuels our future requisites as we reach adulthood. Many of us find the places we fit in well in, based on the perception we see the world in, which structures our core values as we begin to embark on the journey from childhood and adulthood. With one thing we start to overlook. Which, in a sense, becomes something we begin to tolerate to fulfill that aching desire we never were given early on in our childhood development.
Like in many of my blog posts, I speak of this from experience. Which not only did I feel like I was the black sheep of the family, but I also was a former high school reject. Which when entering college, I vowed to myself that I would never be the person that people deemed back in high school. I was living in denial about the traumatic high school experience I faced. The truth was that everything changed when I left high school, as the world and the people I began to engage with. Saw myself differently than my former peers that I grew into adolescence. Which part of the high school experience made me braver when I left the uncomfortable situations in high school. They were praising me for a brilliant thought process, which I never could accept, which was part of the insecurity that I gained and the self-doubt that haunted me from the voices of my past. Because the truth was, I refused to accept the person that I was because is the stigmas gained about my appearance that was constantly ridiculed. Which, when embarking on the model journey, became even more hypocritical of my appearance—allowing the opinions of others to continue to dictate the self-destruction that I would later face in life. Letting those around me determine who I was as a person, which in the passive-aggressive slander others would deflect, allowed me to eat away at my self-love slowly because no matter how I acted like the comments didn’t phase me. It would be the reason why I would cry at night, praying why I couldn’t be blessed with beauty and intelligence. Even after gaining my MBA and being a model in the past. Which in my life awakening, I began to see where I went wrong.
One of the things that I began to realize is that I got too comfortable with the idealism that I would “never become that person I was when I was a reject.” Which, in pride, made me do the same thing that other people do in vain and arrogance when tormented with unresolved childhood trauma. Using status, milestones, and materialistic gains that I obtained. Not fully seeing the error in my way at the time was belittling others to me feel better about myself. I learned in the moment of adversity and when I lost it all that we all not only have struggles. But that Karma will come back and bite us in the ass. Which made me more conscientious of the things that I do.
Karma is a bitch let me tell you, as she doesn’t make any exceptions for anyone. Even when we have convinced ourselves that we are in the right for doing wrong to others in self-preservation. When bad things happened, and no one helped me, it made me think about the times I turned a blind eye in my past entitled idealisms. Which made me realize that I was a kind of shitty, entitled person while going through life’s lessons. The lesson karma taught me was this “How can you expect to gain help if you are unwilling to help others.” If you think about it, Karma is always a reference when someone does something terrible to us. But did you ever think that the bad things that happen to us are paying back the wrong that we have done to others? In that lesson, I learned that Karma is a teaching tool to correct our bad behavior. When those fixated on seeking acceptance through the things that don’t really matter, unfortunately never see the things that occur. Not realizing that maybe the key to the happiness they pretend to have is the inability to take accountability. Although they may never see the errors in their ways, from others’ stories at their most vulnerable moment, Karma collects her debt. And at the moment you are supposed to learn, you have been too codependent on the life you use to have.
This goes hand in hand in the never-ending struggle of gaining unauthentic acceptance, which is in many moments, occurs in the attempt to maintain an image of self-preservation. The lives we leave behind becomes of constant fear of “what if someone finds out my beginning.” When those people from the past come into our lives, we tend to avoid them and avoid bringing them into our new lives. Especially when we don’t want those to find out the dark past that we endured getting to where we are. This is why transparency and self-love are crucial determinants of the journey that took us to get there. It’s a badge of honor, in my opinion, because of the treacherous road we took to get to where we are now. Which is the fear of “what other people think.” Make us seem unauthentic when those truths we have been dodging for years come to light. In many cases. Those who become critical and judgmental about our struggles and what we had to do to get there.
Becomes the ugly truth that the people we spent our time to impress that really never accepted us, to begin with. In my experience, it became a shaming session that had those who aren’t as innocent either. Attempted to break me down completely. I gained through high school the experience and gratitude for everything I had to do to stay afloat. I took accountability as the God-forsaken truth is that “I played the cards the best way I could that life dealt me.” It’s true what they say when it’s said, “It doesn’t matter till it happens to you.” Which like others, I always lied to myself that it never would. But look at the world we live in, full of entitlement, greed, and the pursuit of the things we assume to believe will make us happy. Those who have it all still remain unhappy because of the one thing that they failed to gain. Which is self-love. I learned in the absence of self-love that you constantly worry about things that really don’t matter. You begin to lose the sense of resilience as you become too overwhelmed with the feeling of finally getting something that you felt you never had. Keeping that feeling of inferiority and gaining a negative opinion from those we could have ended up becoming. I would like to believe it’s a fear response as sub-consciously, you realize that could have been you. Or depending on the bad behavior that’s you continue to engage in it, may very well be the future version of you.