Everyone I realize gets a second change. When they stay consistent. When they show diligence. When they work at redemption. For the longest time prior to this journey, I felt that God (or whatever Higher Power exists) forgot about me. The truth of the matter that, before the journey. I realized a lot of things that I ended up doing wrong. That I ended up blaming everyone for the things that I had control of. Not taking any accountability for the both the intentional and unintentional things that I did. Which in essence, revealed that I was engaging in the same bad behaviors that for whatever reason would work toward my advantage. Because I had allies on my side this time. Which had power and liked me. That their loyalties to me would prove otherwise. But one reality that we don’t realize. Is when the odds are against the majority, and everything is at stake. Those loyalties will never be intact. As the truth is, it’s a dog eat dog world.
Nonetheless, during my new journey of studies. Just taking one class to get a better grasp of the human condition and how the human mind works. As truth is pre-journey, I began resenting human nature. As truth is, everyone seemed to be an asshole when I sincerely wanting to help people. Taking it as me thinking they were incapable or vulnerable. Which learning about fear made me realize one thing. That this taking things personal thing that followed with the behaviors that occurred in a common instance that psychology has documented in the presence of fear. Was in the end a fear response that people were covering up with Super Ego. Which in borderline narcissism. Which made me sympathize for those narcissistic people. As this condition if you really want to think about it, is all a psychological condition that may have been self inflicted. As narcarsism is all a response of fear. As fear on not having control is the reason why so many attempt to psychologically manipulate people or influence per se. Which turned selfish as they feel this emptiness inside. Being in many situations and not being afraid of them. I sometimes ended up going into the lion den. Self infing in transparency. But the great thing that I gained in my upbringing is the sense of strength. Which always called out the bad behavior. Which without the knowledge I had. Made me think it’s was something thy at was wrong with me. Which resulted to physical actions to keep me obedient. However, the idealisms that my family believed. That they didn’t want me to be defenseless, put me in Mixed Martial Art training. Which once the trauma response subsided. Had the emotional strength the fight back. Which stemmed from the refusal of playing victim. Which in those vulnerable times those narcissist shared in victimhood to make me feel sorry. Made me see based on the same patterns they were stuck in, would result to flight in their survival instinct. As in the end. They knew they wouldn’t get the best of me. And if the action was unforgivable and showed they did the same to others. And continued to do. Would infiltrate them to attempt them from going down a destructive downward spiral. To those they pained. And cause more harm to them.
People tend to have this “rainbow and gumdrop” mentality that has us not looking at history a lot more closely. As history tends to reveal a consistent pattern of aftermath in social norm. Which adapt. One of the things that we fail to see the modern version problem that vintage version of “slavery and discrimination” as we convince ourselves it’s not that. As we look at slavery as bound by physical abuse and physical chains. Which the modern day version of slavery is the act of being bond by emotional abuse and psychological change. Due to bandwagoning and gaslighting. Which if you look at the bigger picture, is the way we bond not only by people who think they are better than us. But by our own people. Which comes into this idealism of devaluing the value of personal characteristic and valuing the physical wealth that someone gains. Which if you look at the bigger spectrum of things and rolling with some of the elite in Houston, all showed signs of unhappiness. As the addiction to self gratifying the emotions with things, they tend to have everything they want. But not everything that they need. When faced with this hypothetical emotional slavery. I didn’t need things, I needed an army.
Over the course of my life. I began co-dependent on praying for a miracle. Which I became unappreciative of the miracle that I was sent. As signs around me proved to be the answer I needed. Which for a long time, made me be resentful and almost denied the higher powers that may be. Which showed that I had no loyalty to faith or the bigger picture of things. Which transparently speaking, I was becoming an entitled ass saying I didn’t believe in a higher power. Which that’s when shit hit the fan. But it all happened for a reason I strongly believe. As I was like everyone else. Quick to run away from conflict, letting myself be taking advantage of, that I was fleeing from a situation that was wrong and letting it be something that I just accepted. Which in turn made me feel worthless and helpless. Which the idealism of victimhood is the motivated by gaining the power of numbers. Of those who if you look at it. Sometimes don’t have your best intention at hand. As they are doing one act to make themselves feel like they didn’t help. And have no problem from walking away. Especially when your behavioral pattern shows you’re not doing anything to help yourself. Which transparently can be deemed as gluttony. Which this time around, I was going to do something that looking five years from now. I would be proud that I did. Which now rationally seeing the real things that were happening, I fought for myself. And in the social norm of victory, won because I had leverage to gain a settlement that was sweet. But helping myself was the work I would of been proud. Which I still am. As I found how just how powerful, the power of one was. But now being able to freely share my story. No matter as I was told in a exit interview that “I was always going to be a broke bitch,” I always to them be that “priceless broke bitch,” that in the end. They underestimated.
Worrying, I found is perfectly normal. As fear of the unknown was rearing its ugly head within me. Truth of the matter is that in this situation, tribalism is the key thing to try to gain leverage. Which the little wins that I began to gain, started realizing just how powerful I was becoming. As I no longer needed anyone to defend me. As in this and the opinions of others, always miscondstrude my truth of what I truly as feeling. Which one thing we also allow to often, is letting people dictate our truth. Although it’s made in good intention, it’s gaslighting non the less. Which in my explaining to them how I really felt, ironically would result to those in good intention of being offended. As another thing that we also became conditioned to do, is make decisions for us. Where this is stemmed as a sense of reward. Where those who don’t know us or don’t have the best intentions to us. Will make us unhappy in the end. Which it made me realize a very important lesson. That the only one that knows what’s best for me. Is me. And that the need for order or for feeling wanted was residual to allowing others make decisions for me. Which all mentors told me. ‘The only one that knew whats best for me is me.” One of the many signs the Universe and the “Higher Powers” that be tried to teach me.
Either way you see it, we all have signs that gives us the things that we need but that we don’t want. Where we depend on others to defend us and when they don’t. Lose all hope. Where when hope on ourselves and of others, we end up going to extremes that drive us a little crazy. Where those who are people of action, might act on a irrational mainframe that unresolved issues, trauma that is now fueled through lost of hope. Which if you add all the bad behaviors thrown in social norms, its easy for anyone to fall into that social and emotional slavery. Where those who have clean records end up going to extremes to break from the slavery we experience in our own world and in the big world. Where these behaviors are not excusable, all have us turning against each other. Which results to those mass shootings that occur. Some that were due to a way to break free and many of them of entitlement. Which if you break down the behavioral patterns of these entities. Can see what the motive is. Some of us feeling like we are enslaved to the injustice. And some feeling we are enslaved due to the things we haven’t even worked to earn. Which drove me to the thing that I loved. Writing. Writing in unbiased idealisms soley using the psychology as the main indication of depicting these stories. Where being rational and unbiased in the things that event’s that followed. Identifying the same feelings that I had or if those evil acts ever crossed my mind. That no matter what happens in this journey, I refused to bond myself yet again, in this emotional slavery we have accepted as social norms.
Running away from conflict is something that we must alway keep in the back of our mind. As fighting smarter not harder is where this comes from. Where identifying whether the motive is rational or irrational. If it’s selfless or selfish. And if it was for the greater good. Which is where my calling came to be. And what made me want to go back to school to get my clinical psychology. As we all have something more in common than we will ever admit. A life of some sort of trauma that we had in our life. Where the motives made by free will and personal choice has many of us staying in these motional prisons. Where our motives in irrationality becomes a more trauma that is induced. Which the main motive is selfishness. Where the rippling effect in these events is that we develop the act of stereotyping in those. Which becomes discrimination based on fear. Where retreating and hiding in our safe zones, making us more vulnerable in a world where we need more people to fight. Not just for one cause. But for a selfless cause. As even in these causes, they engage in gaslighting and bandwagoning. Using number against us. Which in our act of conforming to fit it, become guilty by the crimes that others commit. As we are responsible for stirring the pot that lead to those effects. Which one thing we must all understand. that forgiveness in ourselves is key to redemption. Where once we commit actions that caused trauma, we can either continue the act or find ways. In our bad behaviors. To stop it.