This week is a very special week for me. This is the month that based on the beginning of the journey. This was originally the day I was meant to die based on the terminal status. This month was also the month that I made the decision to be the change back in 2019, this was the month that I put boundaries up and standing up for myself in a toxic relationship and stopped having a partner manipulate my worth and question my success when he failed to justify a ethical and logical reasoning why his emotional abuse and holding him accountable for the things he did to lose my trust and the unconditional love I gave in my 8th attempt of giving him the benefit of the doubt thughout my life, many disappointments occurred in my life. Throughout my life of avoiding transparency which resulted in the feeling of feeling trapped and in every great escape engaged in destructive behavior. I was an immediate fan of Lady Gaga which through her song “Born This Way”’made me receptive to being different as then I was trying to resolve my childhood trauma that was never successful that had me struggling through college. I was requested to see someone else when her visits were ineffective, became defensive when I ended up asking how many success stories had she attained, and insulted me when I told her she had no business treating people if she doesn’t have the life experience or success rate to back her up. One thing that has always been genuinely is wanting to get as much information as I could find to make my own decision.
Reflecting on it now it may have been a result stemmed from the trauma when I realized they the people that should have known better are capable of doing things to cover there ass, thus preventing the act of human nature. A million made a huge impact in my life in her album Joanne first with Perfect Illusion followed by Million Reasons. These orchestrated musical pieces started off as an anthem of self doubt and self resentment for then self pitty, then started a journey that ended in the greatest and most amazing milestone I ever experienced, in the form of absolute self love, self respect, and the respect for the beautiful disasters we all truly are. Which made me realize that even though I never had an addictive personality, my addiction was to make everyone who was damage heal and live their best life. The problem with that was that I had no business helping anyone as I couldn’t even succeed in helping my own damn self. Still inflicted with ghost of my past, stigmas from the ones that took advantage of my vulnerablilty, and most importantly was deflecting things and convincing myself that my bad behavior was justified. Realizing that the unhappiness I had was because I was trying to fit a standard that is constantly changing with the trends, the life hacks that involved deception, manipulation, which currently is referenced as dark psychology which when it’s all said and done learning how to influence people through sociopathic tendencies. Thus revealing that even though I said I wouldn’t be the people that came at me sideways, that I would never be a basic bitch, that I would never conformed and be original. And like all the abusive relationships all I did was find the million reasons why I was always the problem and a million reasons to deny that all I did was enable those to continue the bad behavior that they commit against themselves and to others. Because truth is I depended on things and people to justify my self worth.