OK. Now you guys know that I talk a lot about perceptions and behavioral patterns. Now let’s cut through the meat and talk about everyday scenarios. The first real-life I’m going to speak about is toxic relationships. Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, toxic people are the crucial factors in our lives that prevent us from achieving our greatness. Don’t get me a wrong-a lot of it has to do with our internal emotions. How are we going to identify if we are the problem; if we only talk about our inner selves? Today, we will be discussing just that.
Now in an everyday situation, when we are faced with a scenario of toxic relationships. It’s hard to identify the problem. It’s one of the biggest challenges in unhealthy relationships as we get blamed for those issues. And the hardest about this evaluation? Is coming to light what is reality and what is perception. As the perception that we hope in the best case scenario may not indeed be the reality that we are living.
Now, most commonly, gaslighting is one of the most significant factors that determine whether you’re in a toxic relationship or not. You can be told by someone who genuinely cares till you’re blue in the fact that you’re psychologically manipulated. But you will never see that because once again, you’re influenced to think that it would the other person giving you the advice is the bad guy. And believed that the one suggesting that they’re the ones with the issues or the internalized feelings. Or point blank just doesn’t want to see you happy. And commonly made as jealousy. But one of the things that you have to think about. Especially if you’re unhappy are these questions:
- What are my expectations in this relationship?
- What are the issues that are occurring in this relationship?
- What are the things that I’m doing to cause this conflict?
- Is the person indeed in it to make this relationship work?
- What are the triggers that is causing these arguments?
Most of you all at this moment is probably thinking, who are you to give advice? Which is commonly associated with being defensive. But hear me out. Have you gone to the doctor and had a problem that they said you had as they low key stereotype your illness to be something that you knew that wasn’t what they were suggesting. But you took his advice anyway because they know better? And did you just end up having the same issue continue finally having them realize that you had what you already knew? In the worst-case scenario, did you only get dismissed because they don’t understand it and low key is afraid of it—the same concept. As the one truth, I am going to hit you with is this. Just because you have a certificate doesn’t mean you know better. Mostly when you are filled with internalized issues. As the feeling of thinking, you know it all only to find out you don’t is trauma all on its own. Because there are many times where the lack of life experience can’t have you understand or emphasize with someone who has a pain you can’t understand. And having a degree just makes you feel inadequate as you didn’t know something. And in defensive nature, you lose a sense of irrationality. Where being in those same shoes and actually resolving these issues and successfully overcoming it compels me to become a psychologist.
You still might feel this way, so just keep an open mind into the next few paragraphs as you come this far. You have nothing to lose, just more to gain if I sound like an idiot. So back to it. One thing you have to examine is what do you imagine happening in the kinship? Be honest with yourself. I am no one to judge and no one to say otherwise as I’ve been there before, and that would make me a hypocrite. So once you determine that, the next thing to do is examine what is going on with the relationship and why it is so hostile. As both parties have triggers think about what you are doing first since you already think you are why this is happening. Which once you identify the things you are doing to set the opposing party’s triggers. Think about you for a bit and think about why your catalysts are being developed. What do you feel when these triggers get set off? Have you discussed the actions that they have done to set those triggers off? Which if you haven’t done this yet, this is the first thing you must do. Many of us assume what people are thinking or saying. And this might be your first re-course of fixing this misunderstanding first and foremost. Which wash and repeat as each thing begin to surface. Which you simply identified all the five questions that I mentioned in the beginning.
Whether you do this now or have done this before, now it’s time to re-identify what is still going wrong. Are both parties keeping their word when it comes to the regular set boundaries in these situations? Are you both respecting each other’s boundaries? If that is not the case, then we need to either re-evaluate those boundaries to see if they are realistic? Are they insecurities? Or are they entitlements? As the one thing that you must determine is if you are setting an equal playing field. Now, if you are, you might have to re-establish these boundaries and be a little more firm with them. Breaking bad habits takes some patience and time to die. Which I am realistic. Now, if they become defensive and/or result in victimhood, you may just be in a situation that you are genuinely psychologically manipulated. This is ultimately something you have to determine if you are ready to get out of or not. Which planning and being proactive is vital if you are in a domestic violence situation. Which the heartbreaking truth is that the person is not in it to change. Which you have to realize another truth. No matter what they say to beat you down, it 100% everything not to do with you, but all with them.
At the end of the day. To determine to see if this is ultimately the situation. You have to begin to evaluate the other parties’ behavioral patterns to determine if this is the case honestly as one common thing in human behavior is that those bad habits that are bad to break are the same one’s that will become apparent. You have to stop thinking about the best-case scenario and identify the person’s full persona. Motives, habits, behavioral addictions, and/or their chemical addictions on how they deal with life’s conflicts. Are they quickly demotivated? Are they easily angered? Which if you begin to see that this is the case, you have to start working on yourself and attempting to break through those stigmas that were more than likely worsened in the act of manipulation. Which don’t begin judging or belittling as, in toxic situations, it’s also common to engage in the same poisonous behaviors as well.
As maybe it’s something that you trigger that reminds them of a pain that they haven’t resolved and let go of. The truth is that you have to begin to work on yourself. The “buts” that are holding you back. Whether it be fear or insecurity, you got to start working on the strength to leave the situation, being honest with yourself, and if after three attempts of establishing the boundaries working on a contingency plan in silence as one of the things that always kept me in these situations are the guilt trips that came, which is an act in a trauma bond. Because master manipulators will have already identified all the things that make you feel worthless and keep you trapped. I’ve been there too many times, where the final straw that I might say that I ended up getting lucky on. Is being in ICU, almost not making it due to a violent attack against my ex-husband. Which if I didn’t gain rationality could have lost control when I finally physically fought back after another attempt to gain physical power, which he walked away from with a few bruises. In this case, the best bet for both parties involved is to walk away from the situation so you both can find the peace you both need. And, most importantly, time to heal.
You both matter in the end, and you must remember that the only one you can control is yourself. Which is where “managing the controllable comes to play. It’s going to hurt both of you like hell. But in the end, it’s for the best. If you need a crutch, take it, but don’t do it if you are vulnerable to losing control if you decide to close that chapter. To heal you completely, you must avoid depending on things that will keep you distracted from grieving and healing, as grieving is the primary determinant of completely recovering from a situation. In this state, one must know that pain is like a physical wound. It’s only meant only to be temporary. Beating yourself about the situation and things you can’t control is not going to eliminate the pain either. It just ends up putting you in more problems than you begin to ignore the red flags. If you don’t allow yourself to heal, you ignore all the signs you would typically see as it becomes a learning lesson. Realizing the things that you could have done better becomes something you begin to improve in yourself as you being seeing and practicing those discoveries to make you feel better. You no longer shelter yourself as you use to, not giving you the ability to prove to yourself how capable you are. And you begin to see just how capable you are and just how amazing you indeed can be, you start setting new goals. New dreams. You are opening up too many more opportunities. All at the same time, taking precautions. Which if you cross paths again, you won’t have that fear you once had when you were running. You acknowledge with no fear, and if you’re lucky. Seeing that they still haven’t changed their ways, you walk away. Not with the pride that you feel right now. But the satisfaction that you survived. And the happiness you have that they still struggle to find. You begin to feel empathy. As the truth of the matter, you begin to see. You no longer were the same person you were when you ended up going into that relationship. And the pain they inflicted once before. Well, you are now bulletproof. Which, in the end, is the most incredible feeling you can ever feel. Not because you out-powered them. But because you hope that they one day find their peace. Because you finally realize that they were someone that you needed. As they might have told you throughout the relationship. You know that it was someone you wanted. Which the person that you saw in them is determinant of them finding themselves.
Please leave any comments or feedback as they are much appreciated. Donations are also greatly appreciated. To not only help run the website, but to also get more un-biased stories like this one. As it helps provide appreciation for those willing to share their stories. In addition help spread hope to those in need.
Make a one-time donation
Make a monthly donation
Make a yearly donation
Choose an amount
Or enter a custom amount
Your contribution is appreciated.
Your contribution is appreciated.
Your contribution is appreciated.DonateDonate monthlyDonate yearly