The Bittersweetness of Love

Love is a beautiful thing along with the truth as @gal_gadot says in #ww84. It makes us stronger and makes us feel like we can move mountains all at the same time provide a pain that my don’t see yet. I think about the times I had the true sensation of being in true love. Which ironically enough was not with my friend ex-fiancé at the time. As what was mistaken for love was genuine concern for him. Which no doubt hurt all the same. The three times I fell in love helped me grow into the woman I am today. Being more rational about the things that value the most to me. As the truth is through my core values, I get closer and closer to my dream. Someone I loved and still till this day, reached out as he was in town. As through previous conversations it seemed like their was a growth. Found something different today, which as a psychology major learned that actions say a lot more than what is spoken. Found myself in a state of hurt. Not through the euphoria of what I perceive could happen in an encounter. Which don’t get me wrong did cross my mind. But that the growth that this amazing guy achieved seemed to be at a standstill. Which we all fall into in life due to the things we struggle with internally. As much as i wanted to see this guy., had to decline the invitation. Not because I think I’m better than him. Which truth is, no one is better than anyone in this world. But because the core values of myself do not correlate at the moment. Will it ever happen. I hope so because he deserves the utmost happiness. But walking away is the most painful thing someone ever has to do to preserve the growth we gain within our selves. As humans require human interaction. It’s always the people around us and who can unconsciously hinder that growth. And all we can do is provide the emotional support they need in hopes that they find their way again.

One of the things that we as humans misinterpret when it comes to love is the sacrifices that we tend to willingly give up when we are faced with the love. One of the most sacred things we seem to voluntairily surrender is who we are and what we have become in our growth and development in the adversities we have faced throughout our lives. One of the things that I started after I completed my Advance Training in Life Coaching was making a list of Core Values that makes me uniquely me as it’s a list of things that one values in life and helps give an idealism of how we see the world around us. As there are many things that encompass the values I hold dear to my heart. The goal is to narrow it down to the top 10 things of what we could absolutely not live without moving forward in life. The truth is in the matter of love and romance. Made me begin to ponder why many failed relationships I have had (which does not include my first love I lost along the way in college during his service in the military), but gave me an idea as into why these relationships didn’t work out as I hoped and expected in many cases. It’s not that I was better than them and vice versa. Which the truth is we hear that a lot when someone is emotionally distraught in a breakup. Trying to convince ourselves that the this is in fact the truth in the case. But after revisiting these heartbreaking scenario’s with the guys I loved (and in some cases still love in a different way) I began to realize that it’s the core values that we shared is what made these relationships end in the first place.

As I write this blog, I drink a glass of Merlot not for the reasons that you might think. One of the faults that I have and have for the most part mastered. Is allowing myself to be vulnerable in a sense. Which many of my readers will find that hard to believe since I am pretty blunt and open as I am verbal and open about my feelings when it comes to other things. Love on the other hand is a little bit different. It’s more intimate per say as we all have had our heartbreaks in this journey in life. But one of the things that I realized when it comes to romantic relationships is that I tend to beat myself up and wonder about the things that I could of done different. That I could of changed. But the truth is it defeats the purpose of two of the core values that has reached my top ten list. Which is originality and fairness. As the truth of the fact is beating myself up for something else’s actions is not fair to me. In the bigger spectrum of things is that it’s not fair to the secondary party either. As the experience we all have faced in this moment of grief is that we tend to gaslight and bandwagon the other party. Failing to see the mistakes that we also made in our kinship at the time. The truth is, I didn’t know myself intimiately the way I know myself. With that being said, I never thought I would have a blog sharing advise with others who actually value what I have to say. In that same unfairness I also become unfair to myself and contradict three of my top ten values which is integrity, humility, and personal development. As living in that idealism. In that view I had on reality at the moment. Would never let me embrace the errors of my way. And in turn hinder my personal development when it’s all said in done. Because knowing the old me. I would take that bias truth to the grave with me. And never ever allow myself to change for the better.

Optimism is what has kept me going for as far I can remember. Being optimistic has it’s pros and cons, no doubt. But optimism is what helped me look at things with a glass half full approach. Which helped me break from my co-dependency issues. As this was something that was conditioned in me to survive in life. But one of the things I learned is that if the captain of the ship goes down. So does everyone on that ship if their are little or no lifeboats on board a ship. Which brings me to the analogy of the unsinkable ship that we all know as the “Titanic.” Which in this prideful idealism, it was believed to truly be unsinkable. Which cost many of innocent lives at the same time in this perception of realism. Which if we could tap into the minds of these people, may have found that life ended with the news of the ship sinking. As all their hopes and dreams were put into voyaging to a new and perceived better life. Which for me, wisdom came into play as being my 7th value on my list. Wisdom is a little underestimated as many people tend to focus on the euphoric idealism of now. Not looking at the bigger picture and the happiness in the future. Many people have this idealism that they won’t get there. Or truly don’t want to venture into the future. Whether it be subconcious or unconscious. We all have our reasons. Which I am not here to tell you why you should look into the future. But coming from someone who was meant to die a few years ago. The future can sometimes surprise you when you begin to gain back a reason to live. Because being my eigth value. Freedom. It had me get the drive to want to fight instead of accepting my fate. Because freedom isn’t something that you are given. It’s something you have to take back sometimes. And in my eyes whether it be a failure or success. I won’t allow someone or something to jeopordize a part of my life that is actually existing in real time. Versus the perception of how it will affect me in the future. As one thing I also learned in this epiphany is that in our blind perception. It something that may never or ever will affect us. Just the influence of someone who tends to tell us so. Which brings me back to love and relationships.

One of the things I realized that is a flaw in me, is that when I am in love. I tend to jump with blind faith. Ignoring all the red flags and warning signs. With that same perception that things will work out eventually in the end. Open-mindedness. Which being my ninth core value was per se, my Achielles heel. As this would allow people to easily manipulate me with idealisms and visions. Having me work on a purpose that wasn’t my own to make it into reality. With the idealism that in that same process, I would work on my dreams along the way. But how many of us can honestly say we have done that. As being the secretary per se in someone else’s dream and vision becomes a full time job. Having us really feel exhausted in the end and not having the drive to work on ourselves. Which those who have accomplished this, a toast for you. Which has me asking you, “Where were you to teach me this skill in multi-tasking?” Which I found myself many times putting my needs last and my partners first. Which if this is the current case is not a game changer for you guys. As open communication and transparency is needed to move forward together in the relationship you guys share. Which ultimately if you guys are feeling out of tune, might me the conversation that is much needed to mend things that we tend to overlook in our busy lives. Which it happens more often than you think. But I began to realize that this wasn’t a flaw of my mind. It was the way I was able to gain empathy for people and the things that they go through. Which what really was the culprit of this is my nurturing nature and the need to make a difference. Which becomes my tenth core value.

As I conversed with the man that still has a place in my heart. I could see that what started as growth was starting to wave all the red flags I saw when we first met. Ironically enough there is more to the interaction I picked up on other interactions that we previously in the past. Which also revealed that he was also the cereal texter that in a sense in his eyes. Was making life a living hell for me. Sending me messages in a sense to feel me out in the insecurity department. Which today as heartbreaking as it was, could sense that he has seen a genuine change in me. Where the girl he knew was full of self doubt and insecurity has become the woman I am today. Maybe it’s the core values I came to terms with. Who knows what is going on in his mind at the moment. But one thing that he may never see for what the truth is. Is that I genuinely love and care for him as his nature has shown me to be an amazing person. That has been thrown more adversity than others. But how can you overcomes this adversity if the people you surround yourself in dwell of the things that they aren’t working towards to make better? How do we know when people really care? The truth is in this mindset, we will never truly know. As all we know is the negative things that life has to bring? All striving to achieve something greater. One of the things that I realized in my journey is that I can be an enabler. Carrying the weight on my shoulders for others and neglecting my own self. Which if you look at it in a different perspective is giving up my freedom and not allowing me to resolve the issues that I had within myself. I feel that is what I did my entire life as this was the love language I was conditioned to believe, which had me also be a cereal dater. Trying to fulfill my last core value of making a difference in a toxic sense. Because it focused only on my world since back then I thought I was just a small speck in the Universe. But it’s even that small speck that can create it’s own solar system with the right elements it needs to thrive. To many it will percieve as selfish. But the truth is no one can make things better for you. Because the answers lie within ourselves. Because in life, you sometimes have to love someone from afar and in optimism, hope they see what you see in them. But that’s the funny part of adversity and the map of the world we hold. In biased mentality, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because the map that we use doesn’t have such light in it. Which is why I also have to thank my open-mindedness as it allowed me to also be receptive to the seeing things in a different light and trying new ways of achieving happiness. Because the truth is, that is all we really want in life. Is to be happy. Which sometimes takes some revisiting on the ways we are trying to gain it. And adjusting a little the way we see it. Because in the end that is all I want for those who I love. And although I may have to love those struggling with it from afar and as much as it may pain me. Sometimes you have to just be optimistic that they will find what will truly make them happy. Even if it’s not with you.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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