In the Fear of Victimhood
One of the things that I realize that those stuck in trauma is we become hypocritical in many of our behaviors when we internalize those traumatic events. We tend to be judged and vile when we see others engage in the same behaviors that we won’t admit to ourselves as we make excuses for all the messed up actions that we cause to ourselves and others. The low key we become sadistic in a sense as those internalized issues turn into anger and rage. We are enabling the vigil anti, saying that we are doing things for the greater good. We are only putting one thing into perspective. Ourselves.
In this article, I say we because I get it. I was there. Why lie about it? And why shame those who are still trying to figure it out? It’s a shitty thing to do if you ask me. Preaching about these behaviors and not pretend I didn’t engage in these toxic behaviors as well. It’s human nature that I worked damn hard to correct, which is why I say we. For anyone who’s already assuming I still engage in these behaviors. I probably do in some situations, especially when people intentionally attempt to be shitty people. An eye for an eye, right? I use to believe this at one point in time. But the truth is, we all make mistakes. Some are genuinely wanting to make changes in their life to be better. And others, well, for them, it’s not their time as many of them tend to play it safe in their eyes by continuing to be guarded. And it’s okay. But don’t come at me, bro. Cause I will give you a taste of your own medicine. The unfortunate thing about this is that in a world where entitlement is king. Sometimes it’s necessary.
Passive aggressiveness is something that many in internalized trauma tend to engage in as it’s a way that the low critical sadistic behavior begins all for the sake of self-preservation. In this stage of internalized trauma, it’s a way that we tend to validate ourselves and our lives—trying to prove that we have some sort of effect in the world around us. Many people in this situation use this as an emotional crutch in the sense of self-motivation to keep them going. But like in many emotional crutches, it goes south very quickly as we end up meeting that person that, although admits that isn’t perfect. Will identify this behavior in this situation and stand up to the acts that are genuinely intended. In the face of anti-social behavior, we use fear tactics in scaring those from crossing us again. In someone deep in traumatic internalization. The dangerous act of acting on these toxic behaviors turns physical, and those instilled in traumatic fear and rage go to the extreme to stop what seems to appear as a threat. In many situations can turn violent and cost those standing up to these behaviors their lives, which in this pandemic has been the headline of so many news stories. And in the worst-case homicidal suicide. If these internalized issues were addressed early on, they would have stopped these things from occurring.
Dodging accountability is one of the onset behaviors that begin to get worst when internalizing traumatic events. We start to rely on emotional crutches in the form of making excuses for this bad behavior. Over time we become manipulative and become manipulatively abusive. Like many of our abusers were. Which I genuinely want to believe isn’t intended. But I also feel that we never get the change we desperately want in the world as this behavior becomes part of our social norm. All for the sake of validity and acceptance. Which becomes a desensitizing of tolerating abusive behaviors. Which cost the lives of many. Some by the abusers and some through suicide. Where the loss of hope turns in oneself and the world becomes a chemical dependency to escape the reality that we live in, which my heart breaks in these situations. But the stereotype of drug addicts is that they are manipulative, all for the sake of getting their fix. But if you think about it, it makes them better than others as it’s that chemical dependency that has them engaging in these acts. Versus those who have adopted that behavior as their identity.
One of the onset behaviors I observed in many trauma victims is paranoia and being toxically guarded. They avoid individual interactions at all costs in fear of getting hurt, which starts as an engaging confrontation at all costs—never giving them the strength to stand up to their abusers. This breaks my heart more as they are too deep into the trauma bond that convinced them that there is nothing other than the type of life they manipulatively settled in as their life. But there is hope even in this as I have also been in these situations personally and have gotten out of it myself. It takes power to believe in yourself and holding on to hope no matter how dark it is. One thing that I realized is that we may not see it now, but we tend to be the light in someone else’s tunnel. But in this circle of internalized trauma and our victimhood. It’s hard even to see the light.