The Negativity Gained From My Writing Venture

This story can also be found on vocal.media

If you follow my blog, some of you know that I got sick with bronchitis that was turning into pneumonia. Before this, I dealt with an idealism in my mind, which had me leave writing indefinitely. Knowing my flaws and the things I result to, the inpatients and the criticism that had me considering this. Mind you having a published book. I did a lot than what most have been able to accomplish. Through hard work and consistency, I achieved this milestone in my life that I started resenting. Not because I didn’t reach this joint success that everyone wants to achieve. The idealisms that being rich and on the map would change my life for the better. That I finally got revenge on all of those who said I couldn’t. Which many people assume is my motive. But the truth in the matter is that it wasn’t my motive. The truth is that I wrote this book to help others heal from the emotional and physical abuse I have endured in life. That after noticing the things we don’t see when we are involved in our own life—the behavioral patterns of those in the society which lie to others to gain acceptance of prestigious valor. Reveal the bread crumbs of past events that they have endured as children. Revealing the same behaviors everyone engages in unknowingly to internalized the pains from the past. That gaslighting, the belittling, the lack of empathy, the shaming, the bullying all result in the same everyday tragedies and trauma that many of us have endured in childhood, and our early adult lives. The fact that somewhere along our journey, we all been abused.

One of the many things that I began noticing in this era of COVID (which is the next blog that I am working on for this month’s blog series are the negative things that the pandemic has taken out of people. We tend to focus on the positive things only to be okay with the world around us.  But this I began to notice is a coping mechanism that society has created to dodge the truth that the negative actions social norm is engaging in to deflect what is happening with them. The world around them.  This wasn’t a surprise to me as social norms have been doing this since the beginning of socialism in human behaviors. Do I have to say the most painful thing that is truly disturbing?   Is how people don’t honestly know how to fend for themselves.  This has been genuinely apparent in 2020 with everything happening as social problems.  With traditional racism and systematic discrimination, society engages in psychological manipulation to engage others in the same behavior.  All in the sake of having a scapegoat, which this year’s election has proven to be the biggest skeptical—having our current President pointing fingers at the things that others engaged in. It deflected the tragedies that the pandemic alone has occurred, using psychological manipulation to convince others that voter fraud occurred. Saving people hold on to this same idealism. It happened after many of these allegations have been proven to be false.

He was having those who committed crimes getting pardoned. Revealing that he is attempting to preserve his wealth as there was a price tag to get pardoned in the act of corruption on power. Simultaneously, playing golf while the nation dies, being protected in the high castle that he is in jeopardy of losing. All from the same conditioned motive that many of society has been after before the pandemic: greed and acceptance. The deflection of what is happening around them makes them act carelessly, all in the act of pride. Which “The Psychology of The Seven Deadly Sins from earlier blogs, just have proven more and more as events unfold, we are a deflective and sinful society all doing this is the sake of keeping our head afloat.

I will elaborate on in the series that one of the most common behaviors that society has shown is that people will congratulate those who reach an identifiable milestone. Still, they will never thank a milestone that exceeds the level that separates them from an identifiable status. Let me elaborate. I saw this meme that touched home a little, which showed a person posting on their phone with the caption, “I got the job.” Which on the bottom of the screen showed hundreds of likes. The second picture shows the same person with the caption saying, “I started my own company.” Showing the Facebook status of 5 tastes, which reflected the experience I have had in this writing venture.

I hate to assume as these things weren’t said to me directly, but it just felt like reality for me. As one of the everyday things that I got on this Journey was, “Everyone can self publish!” Which my rebuttal was, “So why don’t you self publish if it’s so easy?” Which, of course, had people say all sorts of things and act like complete shit heads when their manipulation didn’t work in their favor. Then when my website came up, and those who supported me started becoming resentful began attempting to make me think things that I didn’t know or believe at all. In many situations, I ended up having some stabs at my accomplishment by saying, “You’re not even a good writer” or “You are becoming arrogant or too much,” when they initiated the blows. Many say “Stop writing” and “stop thinking you’re making a difference,” which made me start saying fuck society. But the truth is that it’s not that easy. When you begin seeing the horrible shit that happens around us regularly that people don’t like to admit, it’s hard to turn away. The truth is, being sick and in quarantine temporarily as the gaslighting of my bronchitis turning to pneumonia was made to be something it wasn’t made me one thing. Of course, people will think about what they will believe because of majority engaging in these same behaviors that put others at risk. Which made further ponder the idea of being a bit selfish and thinking about myself in a selfless sense, which seemed impossible. But it was more possible than I even believed me.

The week before the scare, I was thinking to myself. What’s the point in writing? I mean, “Journey of an Unraveled Road” was at a standstill, right? But I began realizing one thing. I am doing what I have always wanted to do. The impatience that I had made me think it was a waste of time. The ridicule that came from knowing where the intentions came from when I wrote the book was something I realized I was forcing on people. The truth is not because I wanted them to think the way I was thinking. But because of the pain, they expressed not expressing it directly. It was something I could identify with because I felt that at one point in my life. I guess in a sense. I was lucky I came into this awakening before the pandemic. Because seeing how people are trying to cope with this pandemic seems like inflicted suicide.

Because things haven’t gotten better like people assumed it would, it’s called worst. Those on their deathbeds with COVID who said, “I rather die happy” spend their last moments in anger and resentment with one common thought “How did this happen to me?” Still dying in denial and taking accountability. Which I only empathize and sympathize with. Because it’s no way, anyone should go. Dying in resentment, in denial, and unaccomplished. In my eyes, Journey was a hope so people could come into the person they are meant and want to be, which made me rethink this giving up the writing.

After shit hit the fan back in 2018 and taking refuge in writing already having four manuscripts ready for editing and publishing made think one thing? Why am I going to throw away these two years in time and money?  I didn’t have already invested in a career I am attempting to make for myself because people couldn’t accept the ugly truth I ended up writing about in “Journey of an Unraveled Road,” by critics who weren’t ready and willing to heal from their past traumas. That this ridicule and deflection that the study of psychology I gained took a break to earn money for my courses. Taught me that the typical behavioral patterns that trauma victims express and have confided in telling me all have proven the hunch of the trauma they experienced to be fact. Not because I am psychic or clairvoyant. Because human behavior is more predictable than we like to admit. Because in predictable human behavior, someone would just give up when things aren’t going their way. Or when they don’t get the result that they hoped for. That the time and money already invested is so easy to throw away or pride, ego, and all for the sake of protecting our feelings of the fear we have of failing.  What comes with that?  The shame and the “I told you so’s” by those who hoped to see us forget. Because the truth is they refuse to break their circle of abuse they experienced in their life that haunts them. That maybe, just maybe, those people who were victims got addicted to being abusers. So they can never feel that pain, that rejection, that disappointment ever again.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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