So let me just say this, I am doing a lot better. And thankfully, it wasn’t COVID. But it scared the shit out of me. Why lie about it. The feeling that took over me was resentment and anger. Mainly toward society and the people who know better and think they above everyone else. Because the experience of getting sick during this era is the worst feeling and the most tedious process that I have ever experienced in my life, the truth is I am not one to brag to people about going to med school and choosing to drop out by choice. The first stereotype that I got in my life was that I dropped out of Med School because I wasn’t cut out for it. That I wasn’t smart to complete medical school. When I talk about the real reason, the politics, and the fact that when you’re in med school and coming from a low-income family, med students, if they don’t get scholarships, are typically in debt their entire lives, which leaving med school because of my reasons, I was deemed stupid and foolish to my family. “Why did you spend all that time and waste that money,” I was told time and time again. Well, truth is said, the smartest thing I ever did was using the money I gained from modeling to pay that entire debt off. Which is another stereotype that I always get in a critical idealism is “You modeled?” Some see it as I am lying to “impress” or gain acceptance from people, and some just say straight up, “You’re an ugly fat bitch.” And regardless if I was fit at one point, too many people, I am and always be “a fat ugly bitch.” Which truth is I don’t take the offensive and personally. Because as they say, “misery loves company.” And that resentment and that hate that people have towards other people comes from a place of pain and insecurity.
The main resentment that I got was, in truth, in this scenario was that “I did, for the most part, everything right.” Taking a free COVID test every time I interacted with more than four people, minimized the interactions in public and with others (only hanging out with three personal people at a time), rarely ate in restaurants, and even stopped Ubering. Being a caretaker full-time and a writer has been ultimately the main jobs I have taken, both paying crap (since my father and my great aunt who has stage four cancer and didn’t qualify for Medicaid – the benefit that pays family caretakers) and being a no-name author has presented its challenges in the presence of a pandemic. Which during my ninety-six hours to get an official virtual office visit after getting a negative COVID test, I still had the staff doubting my truth that I was COVID free. As even finally getting the medications to recover from bronchitis (Which was the official diagnosis) said that it still may be COVID. Instructing me that if the symptoms did not go away or if they got worst, I would have to go into the ER as not saying it directly, would indeed be COVID. Wellbeing a sickly child and getting bronchitis and pneumonia regularly had me even doubting myself that it genuinely was COVID. And well, let’s just say, having no insurance and getting sick was way cheaper before the pandemic, as a second opinion and medication cost me about 600.00 dollars that I barely have. Being a no-name writer and a free caretaker, only getting pandemic relief keeping her head above water into a woman with her head below water using a defected snorkel to attempt to survive having to give a vehicle that is much needed for my aunts newly diagnosed Stage 4 cancer and giving it up to make sure that we have money to keep paying her chemo treatments that with only having Medicare, still cost us about 1,500.00 per session.
The resentment I began getting regardless of the challenges that I have experienced, even with hurdles that are beyond my control, without a doubt, made me feel like an epic failure—wishing that maybe it was kinder to get COVID and well writing “A COVID Tale” blog facing death. As one thing that I gained from writing that story is that “if you’re poor you either fight or you die,” which already having a compromised immune system thanks to a narcissistic ex-fiance who had his man whore life, gained this in 2018. Which I don’t blame him. I was naive back then. I trusted people I shouldn’t have. I gave people who didn’t earn it the benefit of the doubt—and already dealing with an ongoing infection that before COVID, finally learned how to live with. It would kill me instantly. And feeling about 70% better, coming from getting my medications to start beginning full recovery from bronchitis, I wished I had COVID and dying. Because seeing her in excruciating pain, living with a pre-existing illness that can potentially kill me at any time, felt like a worthless piece of shit because of the things that I had no control over—feeling like a failure because of the writing venture hasn’t paid off yet. That is getting a regular job was challenging since I haven’t been working for a year, living off the temporary success of friends and family who bought my book to show support (but still haven’t read) because the truth of the matter is.
Is that it’s hard to believe a person can be happy without gaining a life of luxury. The truth is that it’s harder to believe someone could be satisfied and sure of themselves in a time of a pandemic. But the real reason why I am happy is that the insecurities that people have in their act of belittling, using materialistic items to determine their worth, using chemical dependencies and behavioral addictions, self-gratifying their insecurities with hate, shame, and belittling to make themselves feel better about themselves is the reason why they are miserable. Being a slave to conformity to social norms is the biggest ego killer I have ever engaged in. Yes, I have my moments here and there, but the truth is it’s short-lived. Because for the first time in my life, I am happy with who I am. And the validity of the reality is that I am not dependent on things to prove my worth. And for once in my life, I am playing the cards I am dealt with to the best of my ability. If I were to die, I would die with a smile on my face because I did it my way.
Giving up the car, well, it’s a minor set back. As my family truly isn’t making it. Which renting a vehicle to have to do Uber for extra money was costing more to keep. About 1200.00 monthly. This is why Monday, I have to make calls to find alternatives, hoping that one of these programs that my family has offers rides to and from appointments, which the truth is, why not pay a hard working Uber driver who can put their life on the line who can’t worry of being a caretaker for two disabled and one older person with a compromised immune system wages. It’s not like taking care of children. I hate to sound like an insensitive prick.
The system will take care of children and pay for their colleagues when they get to that age, along with so many health benefits. The truth is, this is not the case with elderly patients. As losing the only semi-healthy living person will end up leaving them left render-less and helpless. Which destiny as erratic and a jerk it can be helped me realize this, as I became friends with someone who came from the system. Yes, you have foster parents who have no business being foster parents since the motivation many of them get is by greed. But the truth is, you have many good ones too. Where it’s up to the child to end up getting the strength to endure the adversity of this all. And if social workers would stop undermining these children in their personal feelings and unethical motives (which not all social workers are like this), it could help a kid get out of a bad situation. The truth is abuse is being revealed, and one must trust their instincts when it comes to this. As one thing that I learned a long time ago, a picture-perfect person is just an act, as we all have problems.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we must enter the holiday with one thing we all struggle to do, is the act of forgiveness as forgiveness is something that we need to gain true happiness. The truth is that it’s something I had to revisit as well. As the forgiveness that I acquired two years ago was towards the mistakes my family caused me. But the forgiveness that I had to gain was towards society. Society is something you can’t control, of course, which is something that I needed to learn. People will make their own decisions based on the internalized issues they have. But the truth is that you have also to learn how to forgive society as well. You can’t let it walk over you and dictate who you are or who you want to be, which I learned by ignoring my family. But you can’t let it abuse you either. You might not win, which is not a total loss cause you begin to learn how to infiltrate it during the time. I mean, let’s be real, I am misunderstood by my family still, but it’s just water under the bridge. In time they will embrace my total being hopefully. But we all are molded by social norms in one way or another. We can only put our two cents and then let it be. People, in the end, are trying to just fit in in the future. But there’s only so much you can fit in. As we never completely fit in. You can either live a lie, or you can work through it. You can choose to be miserable, or you can choose to be happy. You can continue bad habits, or you can change. Not for anyone other than yourself. And no matter how grim things look, you can either be a victim or become unstoppable.
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