Before the move to journey, I had the opportunity to go to NYU, which I resented those who I felt stopped me from leaving the first time. Which in the end turned out to be my personal choice and the fear that I allowed to take over me. Ironically enough it happened for a reason. Finally saying I would go in the Spring, I had a ticket to settle in the dorm rooms of the campus at the time, which had a ticket for me to settle and explore the campus. Which was scheduled to leave on September 11, with a layover flight from a plane that would crash into the twin tower. Which is one the fears I had of flying. As I could of been on that plane. Already conquering that fear with a job I had, which again fired in discrimination that I didn’t see then, I had an opportunity to go to Florida, which the fear of hurricanes stopped me straight in my tracks. Which the third time, getting the offer from Sprint in Houston, I said I couldn’t back down and would follow through. Which turned out to be the best decision I ever made in my whole entire life. Little did I know, it would be the start of the journey to freedom.
Remembering these events and how they could of played out, I realized that things happened for a reason. We tend to live in the past focusing on the things that we could of, should of, would of done. But in the end, we can’t change it or fix. It’s something that we need to learn from and let go of. Which accepting early on the things that already happened that I couldn’t change, it was necessary for me to this. Not for anyone. But for myself. I was tired of living in fear of the unknown. Which anything can happen at any time, even playing it safe. I feel a lot of things happened playing in the safe zone. The best analogy to explain that ideology is this. It’s like when wolves find a grazing herd and see the patterns and the consistency they appear. They won’t prey on the cattle when people are watching. They end up preying on the cattle when it’s least expected. Which this ideology plays the same in human behavior. Which if you think about it, humans have a animal nature as well.
Every attempt make me not move was a epic fail. Where those who were dong this wasn’t out anything other than genuine concern. Being completely transparent, I was a bit naive. Which when I reflected on it, I could see why they were so concerned. Which once I was there, began missing my family and my friends back home. Trying to find every excuse as to why I should move back. But truth of the matter, if I was going to grow, I needed to follow and finish it through until the end of completion. Regardless of how afraid I was. Which began to slowly subside after facing the small battles. Which during the elections, I got stoned once when the scare tactics of immigrants began. Which many based on my appearance assumed I was either Arabic or Mexican. Both a stereotype of stereotypical fear. Which is when I started standing up for myself as I began to confront these fearful people, which introduced me to the first Karen of the world, which stopped immediately when we became friends and became my first non blood family I gained in the big city. Which after hearing her story, made me realize she was acting on fear as her husband passed away and now had to fend for herself. Which elderly people have it the hardest in this era. Which this was pre-COVID. One of the most touching moments was when I got a card from her that her son delivered to me with a heartfelt letter of the appreciation she had for my compassion, empathy, and my sincerity. The lunches we had made a huge difference, which she appreciated the company. Which what made me cry reading the letter when she wrote “Thank you for making the last moments of my life the most joyous.”
One of the things that annoyed me the worst from going through what I went through when I was bluntly honest was “poor you” which started to see how others victimized me. How they tried to explain why I was such “a rebel.” Which they always deflected what the truth was in me. That i was sick and tired of being a delicate little flower. Which began my act of “If you want to think I am a delicate little flower, I will play that stereotype too. Why try to convince a person that I am not a victim as it was the stereotype they assumed I was.” One of the most annoying to hear from conformers is that “If that is what you believe that it’s the truth.” Which made me come up with the phrase “That’s your pendejada, not mind.” Because ironically in that act of stereotyping, the mutual respect of insults would rear it’s ugly head. And when they realized I wasn’t started the “gaslighting” and the “bandwagoning.” Which now realizing I was more head strong than they gave me credit for, the ghosting and the silent treatment. Thinking in their mind they were making my life convenient in being there for me. Which made me see the act that bandwagoning and gaslighting does. Which in turn reveals what people are really afraid of. Which in some cases when people found out I had a terminal illness would ignore the fact that I surpassed the worst in their “delicate little flower” victimized stereotype. Even when the news came that I had a rare immunity which is why I am still standing today.
Going through the adversities made me begin to learn how to stand on my own to feet. Which living in San Antonio, which I see now as a safe space not only because of my family; also due to to the ideologies that we got conditioned to believe. Which is a common idealism for anyone who lives or visited San Antonio. Which in the end is how cultures are cultivated and social norms get developed I feel. Doing Uber in San Antonio began to point out a lot of the negative idealisms we do in the act of insecurity. Where many who do Uber mistreat some of the drivers because they feel boogie for having in their heads “a chauffeur.” Which those riders learned quickly that “you got me fucked up.” Those living in Houston that hated it, acted in the same behaviors. Which many of them felt that they couldn’t get anywhere, which many of them asking me about how San Antonio is, later ended finding out were planning a San Antonio move. Which coming here and being accustomed of the melting pot Houston was, made me so bored because San Antonio felt like it was accustomed to living the same life, avoiding change, and fighting to keep things from progressing. Which was why I hated being back home.
Things always happen for a reason, which is why I felt like it was destined for me to return back home. I had to master playing the stereotype and staying consistent in being headstrong. Which throughout the year after writing the book, have proven that I have become. It also helped me realize that we all have something we are facing. Which in turn helped me learn empathy and teaching me how to master the act of the preverbal “Water under the bridge.” Which I chuckle a little when people gaslight as a victim. Because I already been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Which I gathered from my life experience. Which the training wheel I am now on is the interactions of social medial. Which at one point I was afraid of, but ended up embracing at a theoretical playground. Where the patterns I have seen in my face to face life, experience through social media. Which is a collective of people across the globe. Which learning how to prioritize by list, have a list of many individuals I will confront face to face to prove the theories I have gained on face to face interaction. Which no matter how they spin it in their head, had a plethora of thesis topics when I am on my way into getting my graduate degree in Psychology. God, Higher Power, and Universe willing. Which I’ve been ready for these training wheels to come off so I can go full throttle.
In addition to all the things I gained in the observation of behavioral patterns in society. I gained the greatest love all in this journey was the “love for myself.” Which became one of the American Idol songs I anticipated to attempt if I got on the competition. Which is another thing I did . Was facing my fear of singing in an attempted bigger scale. Where karaoke was my sandbox. Which the only reason why I didn’t make it was due to completing the book. Which eliminating fear made me more free. Made me gain gratitude and made me gain strength. There are a lot of bad things that happened. But ultimately Houston, TX gave me something more valuable than anything I lost in the journey, it taught me how to fly. Which I will take any day over the materialistic things I depended on to determine my self worth. For the first time in my life, I was finally solely dependent on me and the power I gained. Which ironically also made me cry a little too. Because although I gained this. The ugly truth is that not everyone in life will know this feeling I began feeling one cold October day. Which writing the book was written to be a self help guide in gaining this power. But in the “victimhood” society attempted to make me be. Looked at it as me “playing the smallest violin.” Which reading it in the act of trying to find what truly is wrong with me. Ended up having those in that mindset miss the entire message.
One of the things I gained in this hurdle was the ability to stay consistent. Where post release of the book ended up having people attempt to gaslight me in the mentality I gained. You can’t ever please anyone I know. And you most certainly can’t convince others what truly is happening when they hype themselves to belief a distorted truth. Which the deflection they presented began to play a similar pattern. Which looking at it closer began to reveal the insecurities they would share. Where in the lack of mutual respect would use the same circle jerk behaviors that everyone does in society. Which is gaslighting, deflection, bandwagoning, scare tactic, shame, and ghosting. Which released the kraken every time I felt a ghosting coming on. Where they were now forced to face the consequences in hearing the ugly truth about they were living. Where revealing the lies they told themselves about their happiness, their success, their gains began to reveal the person they wanted to be, but were far from truly achieving. Where for a while I began to feel sorry for them. But made me realizing from a story told to me by a Uber rider and a friend that “The cruelness comes from the other side doing everything they can to hide their crimes, intentionally hurting people in the lack of mutual respect. Which made me crutch on the cause and effect theory. Where in their crime saying “That was your pendejada, not mine.”
Nevertheless it became a mission to point out those bad behaviors when those who in their insecurity had this entitlement of using these bad behaviors to make others feel bad about themselves. All fo the sake of fulfilling a misconstrued ego stemming from lies and entitlement. Pointing out the controllables they avoided controlling in their act of desperation and entitlement. Which we all have done at one point, even me. Which is when I began putting together why things never change in society. The fear of being judged was very apparent then. Which when you make a mistake, you’re crucified based on the idealism of keeping a clean perception of ourselves. Which now the ideal that I think about when I am presented with this “How many issues and crimes have you occurred in that fake perfection of yours. As those who are self rightous are notorious for this. As they will do anything to gain acceptance, gain respect, gain an audience engaging in bad behaviors. Which is what inspired the blog series “The Psychology of the Seven Deadly Sins.” Which those who don’t want to admit their faults will shun down doing the same thing that they do when someone is right. Lie to themselves as to “what’s really behind that.” Where the conditioning of “faking it to make it” is the go to idealism. Which in the act of conditioned behaviors begin to see that they have no effect. Where after time, they begin showing their true colors. Which in the end, their fears at this point has them corrupt. Where stopping them in their tracks is me revealing the truth to them. Not because I am being cruel. Because after crossing every boundary they crossed in intention to try to shut me down. They provoked something they weren’t ready for. Forced to face the person in the mirror. Which in this irony, I become the metaphoric mirror.
One of the song that’s that I embraced to me my many swan songs was Lea Michele’s “Cannonball” Not realizing that when I was first introduced to it, didn’t think I would ever be. I never thought I would face my fear. I never thought I wold gain strength, I never thought I would gain self love. Like everyone else, I assumed I would become corrupt as I had every right to seek revenge. But then again, what would that say about me. Where standing up for myself in intentional lack of mutual respect, thought I was in the wrong in the act of victimhood. Which just showed those who did that, crutched on the same misbehaving act. Telling me what I want to hear and then doing it again. This time playing stupid, which after the third strike, I walked away. Which revealed the act of scare tactics as what would follow in this comment “That’s why you’ll always be alone. Which my rebuttal being “I respect myself too much to let people take advantage of me.” Which I will bet money on, that when my name comes up in those groups the act of “demonizing” comes in. As this is another conditioned behavior that we learn in society. Where the fear of telling someone how you really feel about them will never be done in my face due to the fear of the consequences and the unknown of how I will react. is the fear of the unknown. Because not all crimes are created equally as our justice system shows. Where those privileged walk scott free from. Because if I was going to continue this venture, it started with me everyone being treated equally with no exceptions.