Before writing the book, I felt like the most physically ugliest person alive. Being a tomboy and being teased about being a SHIM, it kind of fucked with my self-esteem. Even when I modeled for a short time and did little small scale ad modeling, I still was convinced that people just felt sorry for me. Most of it came because I was tall in a city. I grew my whole life up where tall women weren’t a norm. Being Brazilian, Puerto Rican, Cuban, Mexican, and French (which I found out later), explained why I was so statuesque. No matter what anyone could tell me, the stigma came from a stigma that I developed that made me believe, “If my mom didn’t want me, no one would.” Which wasn’t the case at all.
One of the everyday things I’ve noticed in these experiences was that people aim for the most outward appearance. After seeing the behavioral pattern of every single insult, it turns out that it’s a recycled insult that somewhere along the line was conditioned as an insult to use to make someone feel ugly about themselves. Or feel less of a woman. Or feel less of a man. Or feel unaccomplished. Or too poor. Which we all at one point and time use a bandaid to fix. Where those who fall deeper into insecurity become dependent on material items to validate their worth, wWhich if a someone insults me with a “She looks like a man” insult category and after a fair amount of warnings, and after the sign that mutual respect doesn’t show to be existent. Begins the “Don’t make me bend you over and show you who your Daddy is now, motherfucker” actions to show them how to respect me in a mutual sense Those intimidated by the actions that follow will suggest, “To pick and choose your battles.” Which as long as someone mutual respects me, there will be no problem. It’s funny to see how quickly the tables turn when people begin to realize your a woman of action and not of just words.
Everyone has some sort of stigma if you really look at it. Everyone has an insecurity and a fear. Which if you say “no,” shows your fear of vulnerability. Which denial is not a river in Egypt. What I began to notice in this behavior pattern is that it makes us hide our vulnerability, which goes into a slippery slope of covering up our mistakes. And begins making us due these vial and unethical things all to make the perception we hope the world will see. Which we will get more into depth when I discuss the “The Perception of Public Perception” which is four blog post away. Which we bind ourselves to these specific stigmas per say. In some cases we use it to protect our emotional wellbeing. While others do it intentionally because lets just be real. If they aren’t happy, no one should be happy. Which is narcissism if we want to be blunt about it. Which what I began to realize as people would open up is the perception they had of me was distorted due to a insecurity they had, a threat from a strong personality. Where many of them assumed that I would intentionally hurt them as they used past experiences and judgments based off the people that resembled me. Which low key it was stereotyping. Which also points out, we do it more often than we like to admit.
The correlation I began to identify in my actions, this whole time I was crutching on things to fill the void that I had when my mom and I had our conflict as a kid. Truth of the matter is that it’s always water under the bridge for me. Even the things my mom caused in me. Which became a another obstacle my mom did when she didn’t get her way. Which I started to see that my mom was a narcissist. Doing every constant thing that most American’s do. Use shame to protect her feelings. Insults when the attacks didn’t become effect. Using tragedy against someone to attempt to weaken the opponent. Use empty threats in the face of failure. Then play casper the friendly ghost in the face of defeat. Which if you look at any single feud with someone you have, you begin to see the consistent behavior pattern. What became hard for me was realizing that I engaged int the same behavior. Which we will go over in the same chapter.
Another thing I began to notice while I was in the moment life reflecting back on my life, I saw that nothing I did. Truly never fixed anything, but on the contrary make things worst. It made me play it safe, pick and choose the easiest battles, it never made me stand up for myself. Which I began to see that it was induced by what’s called a trauma bond. Which more info is available here: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm. As going through a very domestically violent marriage, learned early on, which also begin working on helping myself, but never to an extent. Which hearing a common thing at Sprint was “You’re past trauma’s are affecting your work,” when I began retracting my claws. Which being told the same thing “Pick and choose your battles,” which subconsciously is why I fought harder. Because this fear tactic was attempted as “I had a lot against the unethical act that constantly happened” as now it was happening to me directly.
One of the things that made me realize that I was stronger than most people, because I wasn’t doing it for me. Which what always happens in my mind, especially in this time was “Why can’t anyone helping me or doing this for the greater good” which seeing in while doing my research on “The Psychology of Virtues” as Amy Cohen from Inc.com says is one of the signs of mentally strong people https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/10-signs-youre-a-mentally-strong-person-even-though-most-people-think-these-are-weaknesses.html which consist of the following and how they handle those situations:
- Being kind.
- Changing your mind.
- Acknowledging your weaknesses.
- Being patient.
- Asking for help.
- Expressing emotions.
- Walking away.
- Improving yourself.
- Staying calm.
Which many people will end up say or claim in pride that “I don’t walk away.” Which I do, as being water under the bridge, I let attacks go. Where those who attend to come back for more, end up showing on thing. They can’t walk away and let it go. Where they end up acting like they are genuine (even though you can tell they are fake af), and attempt to get more leverage on things they feel will hurt me and attempt to attack again.
Until writing “The Journey of an Unraveled is when things began to fall into place, which started as a electronic journal that I began typing up. That my friend Dr. Kristy Taylor ended up suggesting to publish it. As it had the makings of a book. Which because of her, I end up getting into this writing journey. Which now fighting against a case with the idealism of “Why don’t people do the right thing” made me come into the idealism that “Everyone in their time” as not everyone is ready to face the truth. Even when it’s staring them in the face. Which when making someone see the truth by truth is a cruel act anyone can do to someone living in denial. However, if those living in denial doesn’t present mutual respect in three attempts, all gloves are off. As it’s there personal choice in free will to not possess that quality of mutual respect. In that sense it’s the consequence from their cause. Which becomes cause and effect theory.
Many of us feel this if we become transparent. We began seeing not only the things others have done wrong and begin seeing the errors of their ways. Which another thing I began to see was that this is conditioned by society. Because another thing that we learn through these social norms “Don’t admit to things that can crucify you for your mistake.” Which the is another thing society does. For one mistake that you end up doing that can be taken as a lesson and that you prove to gain redemption, you always remain that stereotype. Which breaking the chains for me was a must. Because society “has me fucked up too.”
The things that society saw as flaws in the past, became my strengths as being over analytical, a big picture thinker, and now gaining my dignity back a little each and everyday in that moment of adversity, I began to be stronger. Which began the strength to fully fight for myself. When I mastered that, I began speaking up for people who were unjustified. Which even though I didn’t know how to do it, now was armed with fighting the attacks back from those in pride. Which the “Three Strikes” boundary rule. Which using the rules in baseball, gauged attacks as balls that were not that serious, and fouls on the way I played defense. As not knowing then, was my way of taking accountability.
I began also realizing that everyone is battling the same fights. Engaging in the same sins, which post journey was hard me to comprehend. Which my boss Frank would always try to tell me “Not everyone is a good person” which low key I felt he said as an insult of mocking. Which post journey I began think “What a dumb pendejada” to think I thought to myself. Because another thing that we were conditioned in society was “taking things personal.” Which we all have done in the act of insecurity. One of the things that we don’t realize, is that we all have an insecurity that makes us think that someone is attacking us. Truth of the matter is it’s a 50/50 chance they are. But when armed with boundaries and strong will, it’s more and more easier to identify in the end.
Youthfulness is what causes this mentality I feel. Where in our younger age, we see the mistakes and the trials that we see our parents going through. But in the end we fall into the same common mistakes, trying to find the error in our ways. But one thing that we don’t realize. That we get conditioned to do the same acts no matter how we dodge them. We do the same mistakes, do the same things that our predators have done. The fact is that this is a learned behavior that we picked up along the way. That misconstrues our fight or flight instinct. As a common correlation I realized was that the trigger our attackers do, damage that like a game of Battleship. They sink our battleship. Which we move on to the next insecurity we protect for dear life.
In the domino effect, turn circle jerk, turn ripple, we begin infecting the world engaging the bad behaviors made to temporarily aid those defenses in insecurity. As another thing we get conditioned is to stereotype the threat. Where both sides in good and evil have players who have made their insecurities and they’re tragedies as strengths. Where depending on the motive is a vendetta of getting back at those who have done us wrong. Where those with ill intention prey on those who are the most vulnerable as now they take advantage of a situation as it’s an easy fight to win. Which becomes the problem of society. In proving to ourselves that we are worthy, we begin to attack those who are the most vulnerable, which becomes bullying. Which is in the end taking advantage of a vulnerable situation. When it the face of insecurity we all have done that we either choose to forget or intentionally forgot. As the conditioning of society is “Focus on the good things you’ve done.” “Conceal, don’t feel.” And “Dodge incrimination.” Which is the key to being rejected. But the catch twenty two on that is that it back fires eventually. Where either we face the consequence of the “effect of our cause” or “become entangled in the deceptive web of society.” Now being helpless in fighting back. Which I got tired of living. In these invisible change. Which my insecurities dictated the way I felt. Where embracing it and knowing in my time became my solace. Where being away from people did more good than bad for me. As I no longer was being influenced by people and stopped feeling helpless in the act of victimhood. Which now, the goal was clear. Help people become strong and better versions of themselves. Which is harder that it looks. Which being told I was the ugly duckling almost my whole life, turned into a firey Phoenix.