In human nature, we are programmed in our emotions to take things for granted. We tend to focus much more on what we don’t have in life versus the things that we are blessed with. Which one of the everyday stuff that catches us off guard. Which amid; an uncontrollable factor by nature. Has many of us when stricken, with the concerns about the events that haven’t unfolded yet. As seeing my great aunt, one of many surrogate mothers of my life, going into the battle of two types of cancer makes me appreciate her strength much more than I ever have. I was one of the things that I admire about the most in her. In her battle with cancer. It’s how she diligently takes every single day blow and comes out of it with strength. As her battle with cancer, it’s probably one of the courageous things I’ve ever seen her do in my entire life.
I begin to see why things happened as they did. Being an independent entrepreneur as a writer helps me be able to be available for her during her care as I have taken the role of not only a full-time writer but also a full-time caregiver for my father. He, at the beginning of Covid, had a stroke. And at the end of the first wave finding out my aunt had two types of cancer. One being stage four and the other being staged two. Which truth be told, I don’t see my life stopped one bit. All the sacrifices they’ve made for me to attempt to gain the experience they felt I deserved had turned an opportunity before Covid that got me into the profession of writing. Which, in my wildest dreams, would never have imagined it would ever happen. Truth be told, no matter how much talent you have, and no matter how much you work towards that goal. People like me that come from the hood never get that chance. Where in all truth would’ve never happened if I didn’t push for that. And with the rejection and the unfairness that occurs. Well, never thought I would achieved that dreams. It would’ve stopped me in my tracks if I didn’t believe in myself, which makes me fart harder these days because my aunt is battling two types of cancers and having so much faith in herself that she’s going to make it. She fights every single day with so much courage and so much strength.
Ironically enough, as a kid. I was always raised to be a better version of myself that my family never achieved in themselves. However, I don’t see it that way. Because let me go football canoeing to allow me to spread my wings, finding the results out of an interview for a writing position in New York is something that they’re emotionally preparing for as it’s hard to walk away from my family. As I tell them repeatedly, things will happen for a reason, whether I get the position or not. At the end of the day if I don’t get it, I am just honored that I was considered for a writing position for this popular magazine. Which is a significant milestone, the way I see it, because I would never imagine I would interview for such a credible magazine such this one. Which also is something that I would never imagine happening in my lifetime.
I was always raised never to have envy for anyone’s success, especially when it’s someone who comes from where you come from. Because even though it might not be your win, it’s a win in a bigger picture. As someone that comes from the same oppressed world that you live in is actually on their way for fighting a bigger fight that we all wish someone would fight for us. But the truth of the matter is we get blinded by the personal feelings we have when it’s not us. which in many situations ends up burning the bridges that we have to get away and out of that oppressed world that we feel trapped. We tend to be little, shame, and insult those who in their Hard work that has finally given a name for themselves. Which usually always comes with an epic battle. Which those who have pushed as hard as they have. I’ve probably gone through the most horrible experiences to get there. Which is true in my case. It wasn’t easy getting to where I got to. Which is another thing that we don’t take into consideration, is that everything that’s given to us can also be taken away. Especially with an ill intention by someone in on new world. What are the things out of our control which also includes terminal illness, we become a metaphoric deer in the headlights. Which if you think about it is this a shitty behavior when we kick those who are already down. But those with self-worth, self-respect, and self-sufficiency pretty always rise up from the ashes yet again. leaving those get again causing additional emotional traumas with the existing ones, to have those be left behind. Not because of the fact that they are being punished for the bad behavior. Because they have no intention of trying to gain that respect that they never had in their jealousy and insecurity. Which truth be told my aunt was very fearful of as she swore that she did many of us wrong. One of the most admirable thing, was that she initially didn’t want to go to the hospital because she did not want to be sick. Because she felt that she was going to be a burden on the rest of the family. But with all the sacrifices and the things that she’s provided overtime. Cordless of the mistakes that she may have made. Which I might add she also learned from an improved. There is no doubt that I wouldn’t be willing to go above and beyond as she’s done for me throughout my whole life.
Facing her fear in her own journey was probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen her do. As a horror stories that you hear in cancer treatments and chemotherapy, would have anyone saying I would rather die. Was at one point she did. Because of the fear that she seen someone else go through was the trigger that made Herbie. But the truth of the matter is seen her fight through it instilled more strengthen me in the journey yet to come. Which ultimately at the end of the day if I do get the position I wanna fight to work remotely. As one of the many blessings blessings that Covid has brought. Is the ability to work remotely and out of the office with many positions. Which in many cases, before Covid. This was definitely something that could’ve been done but has been embraced in the mindfulness of the employees that work for the company. As it shows empathy for many of their employees. Which understandably in some positions you may not get that luxury. Where when it’s all said and done you have to face your fear and just go for it. Which is something that she taught me in her cancer journey.
I’ve never understood what cancer patients go through until I experienced it firsthand seen her fight every day. Or every day is a constant battle on staying alive with the already come promised immune system due to the cancer. But with an added compromising due to the chemotherapy. Which of course in her pride, she tells me to go right so I don’t see her suffer in pain. In the potential of moving to New York, the only advice she could say is that you have to go for it because you’ve been working your whole life did you something incredible and even though that you’re doing it on a small scale. It’s time for you to do it on a bigger scale. What are your talent and being able to trigger emotions and your writing is a gift that can’t be gone unnoticed. Which for me in my humble state I feel my writing is mediocre. However the consensus of many in the industry have shown that it’s a talent I underestimate. Which is probably why the doors are opening to be a potential professional writer for that only one credible magazine. But getting interview request for many other credible magazines. Which no matter what makes excuse I attempt to use, just like Houston. My family is going to push me out the nest to make sure I fulfill that they always felt I was meant to fulfill.
Seeing her go through her cancer treatments, it made me have so much more respect for those battling that currently. As one of the highlights of the day is going to the Start Center in San Antonio, TX. Which gives me the opportunity to bring some cheer in these cancer patients. Which you can’t do much in our COVID Era, but giving a smile, fist bump, and/or compliment to these patients makes the world of difference. The feeling of ackwoledgement and small talk make them feel that they are not in this alone. Which many of these patients feel shitty physically’ already. But by doing this, makes them feel that they truly are not alone. As the solitude in these treatments and have someone going through a traumatic event such as a terminal illness and now a pandemic. Becomes double trauma occurring all at once. Which in the end, empathy is key. Which learning from my newfound hero. Courage takes more than facing your fears. It takes forgiving others and putting your foot down.
Of course everyone has their moments. Which already living with a chronic or terminal illness is a trauma all on its own. You have moments when you feel hopeless. You feel like what is the point many times. But it’s a just a temporary lapse of emotion subsiding. Seeing how she handles the situation and how she fights, I wonder if I ever would have that fight in me, as Leukemia was something that was a potential death sentence that I was facing some time ago. Which kind of contained itself based on concerns and what my doctor told me during a followup a few months ago. Which my aunt’s little friend that she met gave her some bit of advice during her chemotherapy treatment which was “Don’t look at this as a death sentence.” Which after explaining to me, makes complete sense. Which is your body and mind have been proven in psychology to be untied as one. Which when stricken with doubt and hopelessness that has one fall in to depression. Your system begins to get weaker. And your body’s natural defenses begin to wither. Which is why we tend to keep her spirits up. With the unknown that she feels at times, I get it. It’s hard to keep that mindset 100% of the time. Which is why it’s important to encourage those to with cancer encouragement and attempt to make them realize that it’s okay to not be okay. Especially when they are fighting a huge fight already. One of the common things associated with this illness, is the fear of who their appearance looks. Which I always have to remind my great aunt that “Who cares how you look like to the world. You have enough going on. Who cares what others think or say. And if they say something, I will cut them.” Which of course I don’t mean that. Which she also knows. It’s a way to keep her spirits up with some dark humor. Which she begins to joke and say “As long as you don’t leave me out of the fun.”Which it brightens my day to see her smile during her tough days. But truth is she has more good days than bad. Where the truth of the matter is, she accept it. Where at first she felt sorry for herself. But seeing her come into her emotional power is one of the most beautiful and admirable things to see her do. Because no matter what happens and if she can’t be emotionally strong anymore. I will always remember her as being the bad ass she is today. Which remembering her at her best, which includes her current battle, I will always remember her that way. Which I have no doubt in my mind that she will beat this. Which to all those battling cancer or fighting cancer with someone. Keep your head up and don’t lose hope. You’re going to get through this too. Always know I may not be physically but I will always be there in spirit.
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