Before the journey, I never expected myself to do anything extraordinary. Truth of the matter is that I don’t think I didn’t do anything extraodinary. As the truth of the matter is that I did because I got tired of the bullshit that we see happening in society and in the small world around me. How easy it was to be outcasted by one mistake that can fixed. Which in turn was a small mistake. Made into a witch hunt after they bandwagon you to be something you’re not and make those believe that the intentions you never had are truth. That the change we all want to see doesn’t happen because it doesn’t effect us directly and that it more than likely is the fear of being a target. That you can have all the best intentions in the world and sincerely have a desire to help people but you’re are belittled to be a nobody because of your background or what you haven’t accrued even though you show consistency. I was tired of the stereotyping, the belittling, the naive idealisms. Most important I was tired of being systematically discriminated.
3Everyone who read the book said they can relate to the things that were written in the book. Some of them said it was everyday life, while others said it was an advocacy against systematic racism and the unfairness they experienced. Which was by accident to be honest with you. As I wasn’t purposely attempting to be an advocate. I was just trying to help people find peace in this bullshit society we got accustomed to living. One of the things that one of the coworkers said that I remember them of, was Katniss Everdeen. Which just wanted fairness and stop an unfairness that affected the lives of the people she lived amongst. Even in the final movie of the Hunger Games, she stood up for someone who shot her saying that it was uncalled for. Which my friend when we saw it together pointed out is why people hate me so much. In my confusion I said “Why do you think people hate me so much” which her rebuttal was “You’re book personality matches the in person personality.” Which was brought up during the scene where the scene that Johanna and Katniss have. Which looking this up has all these reasons why everyday people hate Katniss in the movie. Which in the end has no rationality at all. As all the negative traits they say she had. The protagonist always took accountability for. Which in the end I feel is why many hate this righteous and fair warrior.
All my life, I never felt I was going to make a difference or stand for something as I was too busy worrying about the things that affected me personally. Which in the journey I began to reflect not only about the injustice that happened to me, but to everyone around my burning world. Those who didn’t follow through with helping me, never took things personally. However many of them ended up getting terminated under false pretenses at the Houston Sprint office. As the actions that they did were from leadership tactics afraid of the threats made in the numbers game at that office. Where those premeditating to throw those under the bus when they questioned it and some even telling me “It’s there asses not mine,” which very disheartening. Which for the longest time, I felt liable for their termination. As they always stood up for me and defended me. Which in turn looking at the bigger picture, I felt it was a retaliation act for their loyalty to me.
Considering the things that I not only went through, but those who I valued the most, I attempted to have others see the wrong that was happening. Which many of them couldn’t see as the reality was psychological manipulation reared its ugly head. As many of them saw it in the corporate prospective and defended the company more than they defended the wrong action. Which I began to gain sympathy as they couldn’t see the invisible chains I saw. In addition to that some of those who were vocal about their opinion all said that I had to have done something to provoke it, which in pointing out the truth that I didn’t. I ended up getting ghosted. I never took this personally at all, which is why forgiveness is a blessing in this journey. As if I didn’t posses this, I don’t think I would of gotten this far. As the truth is I would of turned to revenge. Which truth is, I have insurance to cover my ass in this writing venture. I could of wrote and spilled the tea and the identity of every single person. But because I wasn’t looking to get even, I used aliases on those who did me wrong and real names for those who helped me get to where I got to in a positive aspect. Because the truth of the matter was both the negative and positive made into the person I became.
On the flip side to finding peace, I learned how to “fight smarter and not harder.” Which was bored by the “work smarter not harder.” Because one thing I learned in this systematic racist world, that some of us have to “work harder” as some of us are not afforded that luxury. Which one of the naive idealism of society is that we all have the same opportunities. Which is not truth. As those who haven’t walked in those shoes have no clue. I blame the fact that we secure ourselves in this “rainbow and gumdrops” idealism that everything is caused by those who provoke. Or because they have certain connections, will get them to where they want to be someday. Which one of the realities that many never see is the fact of progression. As being under these entities keep them at a standstill with false promises and more and more reasons why they aren’t ready to take on the further responsibility. Which begins to grow the resentment having some of us convinced that it’s not what we want. Some of us feeling like there is no hope. While others plot ways of getting there one way or another.
No one knows how it feels until they are there. Which is what I learned the hard way. Hearing this fake empathy, at first I got pissed off. I began to hate those people. But the beautiful thing that happened is that “I learned to love myself.” Which made me fight for myself way more harder. Which made me gain “courage of conviction” as the whole Carrie scene played in my head with “they all are going to laugh at you” which ended up coming from the deflection of shame my family first attempted to inflict to protect me from the unknown. A fear that they all shared looking at it now. Which I have is how the forgiveness began. Seeing that the acts came from the fear is why I gained empathy and forgiveness. Which patience set in when I attempted to have them realize I am not the person my ex fiancé made me appear to be. Which the rest is history. Where once again I never meant to be the “girl on fire.’ I just was tired of staying silent and not doing anything about it.