Strength came. Naturally, I feel at the end of the day. That all the women in my family tree consisted of. Even those in the wrong that walked away from me gained a bit of strength from them and learned a lot from them, both in the positive and the negative aspect. It made me also see the mistakes they made that kept them from consistently keeping me healthy. Which for me, it’s water under the bridge. Which one day, I know that we will be laughing at the fuckery we both caused one another. Because at the end of the day, the things that they did to attempt to stop me in a failed attempt from a misperception of the things that they thought were indeed my character. Will have us all saying, “Can you believe the stupid shit we believed in this journey we both took.” Which if the world could have that mentality and work to make amends for the mistakes we make. The truth is the world would be a better place.
Togetherness is what I was taught from the women in my family. As one of the most admirable traits that we all have in this dysfunctional family tree is “We stand by one another” from the threats we misinterpret. The lies to protect those emotionally inflicted are made to protect those from feeling worst than they thought. The lesson I learned in this journey is being overprotective keeps those you save more vulnerable to the dangers in the real world, which is why I was even more compelled to move to Houston, TX when the scare tactics were attempted to keep me from growing into the person I was meant to be. Which, in turn, like Kelly Clarkson’s “Sober” had me doing which “pick the weeds and keep the flowers.” As I began to realize that the toxic people I kept around in my life were the reason why I was sober. Which is the basis of the line. And as tragic as it was to see the truth for what it was, was the hardest thing to let go. So I thought at first. As more and more that I began to prove to myself, I was more self-efficient than I thought before, I began to stand on my truth. And when I mastered that, I started fighting for other people. Which is psychology shows to be a characteristic of the most “strongest people.”
Remembering some of the events I had those amazing and phenomenal women stand up for me for, I realize that they always had that power in them. What kept them from staying consistent was the fact that they didn’t believe in themselves regardless if they say they did, which made me realize that it came from unresolved issues that came to light before my maternal grandmother confided in me with. Which is no one’s business, so stop asking. But one of the things that I recall the most was that my Abuela’s lived a thug life. Not by choice. But all for the sake of survival. Which they always warned me about some of the injustice I might face being a woman. The injustice that they experienced and saw their sisters and their daughters both by blood and the ones they took in. One of the things that they always instilled in me “Rise above it all and always believe in yourself in a righteous and rational mindset.” Of course, this was told to me in Spanish.
One of the two most gangster things I remember them doing in the face of greater good was coming out with a physical arsenal and letting a physical threat know to never cross in disrespect the linage they set themselves. My maternal Abuela in a nursing home after she found out my ex-husband was abusive and was in ICU for two weeks, came at him with the sharpest thing he could find when he came with me for a visit, which was truthfully to keep tabs on me. My ex-husband went to the house to try to win me back after the second time of almost losing my life. Which she came out like Tyler Perry’s Madea and said, “See what happens if you force yourself in to see my granddaughter,” which he fled immediately when she cocked that rifle. Which the one thing that they also taught me is that when your life is threatened and in danger, you fight till one of you is down. Which after the last straw of beating the fuck up by my ex-husband and beat his ass with a skillet, he had me thinking that one of us is going to be six feet under, and it’s not going to be me. Which, in turn, is the reason why I finally filed for divorce as none of us needed to be six feet under. As one of the things my ex-husband neglected to realize was that I saw something in him that he didn’t see. As the truth is the abandonment issues, he carried in his adult life. Had he misconstrued what his mom truly was attempting to do? Playing the cards, she played to the best of her ability to give him a good life and keeping him from a toxic environment, which his dad once was. What I knew from him when I met him the only time was that he learned his lesson. He embraced me with open arms and admired the strong woman I was, which my ex-sister in-laws proved to be. Liz was a beautiful and strong independent woman who raised three amazing teenagers. And Mandy, the sister-in-law who saved me from almost losing my life after a vicious domestic assault situation, presented a beautiful daughter, which I admire both of them and still see them as family.
Nevertheless, I still have a heart for my ex-husband. Other than the issues that he presented to show, he saw his behavior using relationships to validate his worth still wish him the best regardless of the things he put me through. He had many outstanding qualities, as he never failed to provide and showed to be a hard worker. Truth is how I see it; it was the demons of his past and the unresolved issues that made him a horrible person. Which is how I gained that idealism that the things we don’t resolve make us into a shitty person. I hope that he decided those issues and became the person I always rooted for him to be. Because the truth of the matter was that it wasn’t intentional, I felt. When looking at the things at it again, it was the fears that caused him to have such harmful and destructive behavior. Which truth has cost us more as he ended up being physically violent and costing us more money, replacing the things he would destroy in his emotional outburst. If he hasn’t done that yet, I pray that he one day does as this man was capable of ruling the world. To be transparent, looking at the big picture, I think he always knew I was a good woman. I believe that also haunted him was the jealousy he had for my deceased ex-fiancee. Partially my wrong in this was jumping into a relationship to try to fill the void that Juan Carlos left when his platoon got bombed when he got deployed.
Going through all the gangster things my Abuela’s have done, I can see how I became the woman I am. The truth is, it wasn’t always a gangster as the fact was that they gave up somewhere along the way. Losing hope of the changes they hoped to see one day. As those hopes, they had in the things that desperately needs change, which is what society allows to happen in the act of injustice. Discrimination, sexual assault (that both my Abuela’s went through), abuse, sexism, and hate crimes all got worst. How did they know it got worst. Their granddaughter went through the same they went through when they were told things would get better. If you look at statistics, it appears that these crimes quadrupled as the eras pass. As the gaslighting and bandwagoning to self preserve those in the wrong, it’s about time that we begin the fight to change. Don’t you think? Which is why I go hard no matter how dark it may seem.