Some of the things that I began to notice about myself was that I was worried about the things that people around thought. Low key I said I didn’t, but why was I always concerned about the materialistic gain I had and why was I so concerned about flaunting designer labels to show my worth? Which doing the research regarding perception and why people get obsessed with this. Which made me encounter something that nearly broke my heart. As it revealed it’s psychological trigger based on emotional trauma inflicted by the act discrimination. As somewhere along the line, that we were shamed so bad that labels become a emotional crutch to avoid that feeling. The the disassociation of being deemed as poor is by having brand name items. Which looking back at my high school days and the peers that bragged about having brand names was avoiding looking poor. Which of course passed on by a family members obsession. Which in rationality, makes no sense. We are in the same low income school. If that was the case, then you would be in private school. Which Holy Cross and St. John Bosqo were the boogie schools in our little West Side Community. But even those who went to that private felt a bit out of place when they went there. As my amazing cousin would talk about the experiences she had their. Where my short time going to a private school, I got expelled for giving a student a swirly because the bitch thought she could insult my background. Where made me see early on, the effects of how cruel systematic racism truly was.
Often times, I would get teased from where I lived as in San Antonio, the West Side other than the South and East sides were considered the poor sides. Which to this very day, my dad who gets food stamps cause he’s disabled told me yesterday to go to the grocery store pausing saying “You have to use the food stamp card. Are you comfortable with that?” Which came out with the reason why. Because he wanted to make sure I wasn’t embarrassed using it. Which why would I? He’s in a bad health situation that he is trying to fight through. Which goes into the story of my aunt, as the reason why she says constantly that she would rather be dead. Is because of how expensive her Cancer has cost us, which has me picking up more odd jobs to try to help pay those expenses. Which she always says in Spanish “Why did I have to get sick” and follows through with “I am being a burden.” Which being poor is the most hardest life to live. To me it’s not hard, it’s challenging. But doable. As not many feel the same way. I talk about the events that happened at Enron and the scandal that occurred. Which we all know the history of that event. Which ended with many committing suicide as they thought the worst case scenario and saw being poor being something they couldn’t do. Which if we could eliminate systematics, maybe we all could work together to find the solution for this.
Considering that I wrote the book pre-pandemic, I mention in the story about the worst case scenario happening. Which some people compare me to Nostradamus, which i ain’t no Nostradamus. I am rational and big picture thinking which has me looking at things rationally with everyone involved. Which maybe I am, I just don’t want to think of myself as anything extraordinary. As this is what makes narcissism. As they over hype their abilities, which being humble is good for me. But on thing that I saw which a negative ability of social norms possessed, the ability to induce more trauma through cause and effect. As bullying was a norm for me in high school, which if it wasn’t for someone’s kindness. Could of fucked me over royally and lie with a guilt that I would never escape. As it wasn’t the peers from my school that were cruel. It was the parents and the people who knew better that inflicted the cruelest attacks. Which were the parents and the teachers. After talking with some of the now friends I made, one of those consensus it was actions that were encouraged by their parents. Which made them amazing parents in the end. But the only reason why I felt I had to go to extremes, was not because I was an evil person. It just 1. I wasn’t emotionally strong and 2. I just wanted it to stop. As I just wanted to be a normal teenager. Which in my mentality was a cry for help that went bad. That no one who knew better never answered. Which they’re are worst acts of cries for help in desperation. Which trying to preserve a perception of public perception. Will have you liable with blood on your hands by guilt of association.
I wrote the “Psychology of the Seven Deadly Sins” to demonstrate how insecurities trigger the at of sin. Which of course most dodged and unfollowed me on Twitter. I can’t assume what the motive was, but one of the things that is common is people dodge me to not be called out. Which truth is, as long as you mutually respect me, we are good. While working Uber, for those who needed council, I became a life coach. As many people I could feel hurting. I helped a lot of people in it, which I became an advocate for those who showed the signs of sexual assault. Being there for them through the first act of grief. Keeping them assured that they were safe and that they had support. Because many who are victims feel shame and embarrassment in the act of someone’s actions they couldn’t control. That in the end stem from entitlement that follows an attempt of psychological manipulation. Which in the end comes from the lack of mutual respect. But the one instant I couldn’t help was a mother who was grieving the lost of her son that committed suicide. That giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who never had good intentions, accused her son her son of sexually assaulting her, which first glance at the girls Facebook profile had all the signs of Daddy Issues which, she also mentioned was molested by her own father that girls mom confessed about. As the girls mom said “She felt that she was putting her daughter in danger as she misjudged men as she also was molested her dad.” In the act of rejection, which she had video of the event that her son said no, the next day followed with cruel shaming as systematics took the girls side. Regardless of all the warning signs and her indiscretions that had her serve detention for having sex on school grounds. Which cost her son a full fledge scholarship, had him register as a sex offender, and feeling that hope was lost. Committed suicide. Which many will ask how are sure. Without prejudice and without judgment that causes us to make excuses for bad behaviors. The red flags can be seen all over the damn place. Which victimhood to those is their form of psychological manipulation. Which if you see the movie “The Crush” staring Alicia Silverstone, you will see just how scandalous woman can be at times. All to try to get what they want. Where in this era both men and women can be just equally evil.
All of us have some sort of battle we are fighting. Some harder than others. Some with less hope. But that is how we know we are not alone. As we are all in this battle together. Truth of the matter, for the longest time. I thought why me? Why was my life so much more harder than others? Which little by little, I was getting the answers I always was looking for. It wasn’t the answer I wanted at first. As I didn’t believe I was cut out to be. But after trying to be this person I wasn’t just to appease those intimidated that got me no where but losing it all. I said fuck this shit. I was tired of being the puppet to social norms. I was tired of being this perfect perception of what a woman should be. A prim and proper woman that consistence of being a delicate little flower who was a damsel in the distressed. Because truth be told I became my own knight and shining armor. As those men who claimed to be a knight and shining armor was just a man dressed in tin foil. Truth is it became more of a burden at times when they acted like they had it together, tried to make me feel like I was the problem, and found ways on intentionally hurting me. Which made me loose respect for them as they were being bitches in the end. Trying to self gratify in victimhood, trying to make feel like I was the damsel in distress. Which is how I identified that act of deflection and gaslighting. Which found in men, began seeing it women as well.
Life has us picking and choosing sides to help us battle our own personal battles. However, in this society no one really cares. As something that was also pointed out in my research of finding the answers to human behavior was the act of empathy bias. Which stemmed from stereotyping and discrimination https://www.intechopen.com/books/empathy-an-evidence-based-interdisciplinary-perspective/a-less-attractive-feature-of-empathy-intergroup-empathy-bias. Which has us assuming things and never getting the help that we hope that we get. Which in retrospective has us turning blind eyes. But why feel hopeless when we can make change. One of the things that I was told my whole life, is who are you going to make things better if you don’t make the effort. Which stopped a few of my family members in their track due to fear. Which is something I had to conquer in this journey. Which now succeeding in this, made me unshakable. Which in gaslighting will be able to vocally express why this opinion is based off deflection and stereotyping. Which a trigger word that makes people run away after they can’t prove I am this is “stereotyping” and “discriminating.” Which as a kid always saw people as individual “humans.” Which I am glad that stuck with me. As this probably would of been my Achilles heel if I was certain this was the case. That regardless of all the doubt people had about hope and of me, I couldn’t back down. I was already too deep to retreat. And when those would say “You really think you can make a difference.” My simple reply always is “At least I am trying.” And “trying” is good enough for me.