Never ever did I ever believe I would gain the power that I gained during this journey. I almost fell in the trap that we all fell into. Which is feeling helpless and victimized, wishing things would just go away. Which in my experience it just comes harder and faster; as now your a wounded prey in line for other predators to come in for the kill. Which I feel this is where the saying of this is a “dog eat dog world.” Which for the longest time, I didn’t want to believe that the world was like this. But seeing it happen to often, in the world around me. It was hard to deny that this wasn’t how the world truly operated. Which seeing those in attempted bandwagoning, using scare tactics to scare people into joining a side. Where using the power of numbers to infiltrate a opposing view and using the things that they are most afraid of against them. Which if you think about the childhood lessons we were given, always consisted of a scare here and there. Which we been conditioned to obey in the action of scare tactics. Which is why I began mastering the act of playing the stereotype.
Originating to the first lesson I learned, I began to evaluate it. Starting there and working my way to the present in reflecting, I began to see the correlation. Which is why I depended more on myself than on other people’s opinions. Which made me research how groups influence people. The results were shocking and traumatizing all on their own. I am not going to lie I was scared of being around people for a very short while. As I began to wonder who had my best interest at hand and who didn’t. Once I began to see I had all the reason to trust myself more than anyone else, as I always knew what was best for me. I began to realize that it was my fear that was dictating my life. Which those who said “Fear is controlling you” began to see that those who gave me that same advise, was deflecting. As the truth was, that they were using bandwagoning tactics to attempt to have me believe something that I didn’t think was truth. Which later on in the journey realized that it was a response of the constant trauma bonds I put myself due to the fear of being alone. Which every time I attempted to come out of a bad relationship, got suckered in until they found the next easy target. Which pissed me off a little. Which started to reveal itself was that they were taking advantage of a vulnerable situation. Which was preying on the weakest link.
Recognizing this is what had me realize that the domino effect occurring in each scenario was the insecurity one had taking over. Where the reason why i was always left was nothing to do with me. It was because I was becoming harder and harder to control. Where the last relationship I had, which was my ex fiancé in Houston. Lied to me according to the boundaries I set in attempts to psychological manipulate me yet again. Which is common in narcissist and sociopaths. As the charm and the fake sincerity was all a ploy to psychologically manipulate me. Using my most vulnerable situation against me to try to put their foot in their door. Which being a negative opportunist all was for the sake of feeding their ego and feeling like they had control again. Which once they lose it completely, ghost the fuck out of you. Which made me cut ties with all the toxic people in my life. Which another thing that began triggering the fear of being alone; made me wonder if I was truly going to be alone. But the silver lining about this was that those who had my best interest at hand were forgiving. And showing them the sincerest effort of gaining back their trust, had them coming back in my life. Making me more stronger. Helping them understand that I take accountability of my faults and no the best and worst case scenarios of my personality. Another thing I gained from solitude. Which telling them that “tell me to shut up cause I don’t know when to the shut the fuck up” has them telling me straight up when to shut up when I am going over board. Which those knowing me the good, bad, and ugly of me will have no hesitation. But try telling that to someone who is use to conforming. As they take it as me beating myself up. Which if they would ask me “Why do you feel that way,” would be straight up and tell them that “it’s the flaw I know I have.”
Most people would see this and feel even more hopeless. I feel the reason that this occurs is that we don’t have a example on how to fight against this. We are told that “this is the way things are” and we say “okay.” After my family stopped being defensive and taking shit personally, they shared something interesting. I was always the “but why” kid. Not understanding why people didn’t think the way I did. Which also had be outcasted on a lot of things. I never wanted to fit it. I was already a reject, which is how my childhood mind looked at it. If my mom didn’t accept me, why would anyone now? Which became my opportunity to be different like I always have. Which helping me see the light, which others who cared about me did; I began using logic versus my emotions on a lot of things. Being a big picture thinker, I began using this logic as well. Which became my best course of being rationally logical in the end. Seeing the behavior patterns and the consensus of emotions and the things that “people were afraid of doing” and seeing that this wasn’t all their logic. As in many cases seemed to be very out of character for many of the people in my life. They showed good and moral actions at one point, which made me come up with a theory. We live in a chaos world that begins with a domino effect of insecurities, which the bandwagoning; the circle jerk. Which once brainwashed leashes the destructive ripple effect. That if those who would resolve these unresolved issues could be the bad asses they were meant to be. But try telling this to someone who doesn’t have that much fate in themselves. And has been lying to themselves their whole life. Since I had no materialistic game, no one wanted to hear it. Which knowing this had to consist of being consistent, diligent, and hella head strong.
After acknowledging this, is when I came up with the Domino Effect, turn Circle Jerk, turn Ripple Effect as this is what group conformity does. In the presence of full insecurity, those who feel this find people victimized with the pain and begin the act of bandwagoning. Which in the end is psychological manipulation. Convincing those that this is truth and that’s the way it is having those who they manipulating bandwagoning the same song to others in the same fear. Like they say “Birds of a feather, flock together,” right? Which if you have a ability to persuade someone to bandwagon, you have the power to influence someone. But one thing that these people don’t realize that it’s stemmed through fear. Which in negligence fail to see, that not everyone has the same fear. Which is when the narcissistic tendencies come in. Where not all people are narcissist. It’s just the easy way to get rid of a potential fear. But what happens when you don’t have the same fear and you are filled with selfless intent? If those with selfish intent can fuck shit up for the worst, my mind had me thinking “I can fuck shit up for the greater good.” Which is what became my mission moving forward. Which in return made my mantra “If I am going to fuck shit up. I am going to fuck shit up for the greater good.”
Life throws us many obstacles; which is no secret. Which both Abuela’s preached that “God may choke but he doesn’t kill.” Which both Abuela’s use to knowing all about “the struggle is real” just took it as social norms. Which both pushed me hard as fuck to get an education. There was one instance that my maternal aunts attempted to persuade me to drop out of high school, which I was prepared to do. My maternal abuela on the other hand said “You fucken selfish snakes” which sounded a lot more powerful in Spanish. I was always told I was her favorite, which I couldn’t understand why. As I loved my cousins all equally and thought the world of them. My closest cousin I had Lorrain also was in consensus of this idealism. Which she was more amazing than I was I always thought. She ended up being an amazing mom. And an awesome person. Which if she saw what I saw, she would rule the world. Which one thing that followed me from childhood was that I was no more important or great than anyone else in the world. For me I felt like I found the light at the end of the tunnel and I wanted to share this information with the world. Which becomes bittersweet because another thing I realized that you can’t save everyone in this journey. That when some people are too in, sometimes there is no turning back. Unless they experience excruciating physical or emotional pain. But sometimes you can’t even save those individuals. As the ugly truth about stereotypes, is that once someone has their mind made up of you. The farther you rise, the more they hate you. And that is a prison I refuse to be in. Which in turn is the fault of the destructive domino effect.