How It Become A Quick Sand of Insecurity
One of the things I have noticed in society and in social media, the desire of feeing important. But the underlying thing about this feeling is that it comes from a feeling of insecurity and sadly from a potential trauma. One of the things that I always encounter is people who attempt to undermine or belittle my accomplishments. With empty threats and low jabs attempting to bruise my ego. Which is a failed attempt at that is that it just ends up opening a can of worms that they never expected. With underlining stereotype, that everyone faced with that feeling of insecurity is going to act the way that everyone else does. With the consequence of undermining and thinking that everyone is the same, turns into a massacre that ends up ripping your soul apart. In the extreme circumstances, causes a never ending circle jerk of pointing fingers and blanket statements that ends up becoming gaslighting in the event that lives get taken. Such as in in school shootings. Where those who take advantage of a vulnerable situation due to their own bruised ego, ends up being a way to demonize those in cause and effect theory. Where if mutual respect was present, things like that would never have happened. As it never should of happened.
My Darkest Moments
There’s been times where I felt this feeling. Which of course with rationality and the help of someone who cared about me, it got prevented. But the truth of the matter is that it was a combination of people who should of known better than almost had this tragedy happen. Truth is I wouldn’t be here if that was the case. Forgiveness is something that was hard to attain in a world where people purposely push buttons and do things in a vendetta caused by a bruised ego. Knowing that we all have pain that we are too proud to admit to due to the shame and degrading society follows with it . Because if your broken you’re not valuable? Right? I call “bullshit’ as resolving these issues has had me immediately respond to traumatic events at a small scale. How? Well most recently, in a situation where a dog almost got mualed by another dog in a situation, thanks to the absent of fear, I was able to calm both dogs down. When help didn’t come, I was the brave soul that climbed the fence to help save both dogs lives as they were both caught in the chain, which had the other attacking it as it didn’t know what was going on. Thanks to the help of my neighbor Sergio, he helped me untangle both dogs, keeping one calm (the attacker) while getting the other one vulnerable free. I was scared a little bit I am not going to lie. But the motivation, getting both dogs free.
Which puppy is alive and well and always greets me when I come home as he’s a mascot stray. And since my abuela and the community adore him, feed him every so often.
Pedro the Rooster was another rescue I saved from a mauling, which I grabbed the dog by the neck in instinct which had him look at me like “Oh fuck” which is how I ended up getting a pet rooster, which I see the personality that this animal had. Not realizing that he was going to get attached and try to find away to get inside the house when he’s outside. It was love at first sight when the poor little guys ended up resting his head on my chest after rescuing him. He’s a typical latin child as he crows and makes noises in disapproval.
In the human presence, my abuela one night ended bleeding out when she scratched a varicose vein that had her bleeding out on the floor. When my dad and my great aunt were fine, I ended up going into survival mode and instructed my dad what to do to assure she didn’t bleed out, calling the ambulance and directing them where she was and what we did to assure to stop the bleeding. When my dad had a stroke and hit his head, he could of had a concussion as my abuela didn’t think nothing of his fall. When he was not responsive and was looking up with what seemed to have no brain activity, I ended up doing the things I learned in First Aid class years ago having him talk with me and have a conversation. When the ambulance came, when COVID hit the USA, they delayed their entrance as they stood out waiting for minutes. When I walked out and asked “What the hell are you doing?” And they went through the COVID questioning, my response “We all tested positive in COVID, which having a mask would protect you from it to begin with.” Which had the lead smiling as I said “Are you going to stand and look pretty or you going to save my dad’s life.” When they stood their in shock, my response was “If my dad dies today, I will make sure I am the nightmare that never goes away in your irresponsible action.” which had the crew rushing in. Which the fire chief that saw it go down said “Good job ma’am.” as he fist bumped me.
The True Value of Resolved Trauma
During my new journey, which is to obtain my Psychology degree, I already have my thesis in mind which is how resolved trauma strengthens the survival instinct. Which in the act of someone who’s over exaggerative of ego, ends up putting themselves in life threatening situations that we have all seen in the daily news. They have a whole segment of “The World’s Dummest People” on some shows. But I feel that’s being harsh per say. As it’s not that they are done, they are swimming in low self esteem that they refuse to admit to. A lot having to do with these unresolved issues society belittles, undermines, and degrades. Where not everyone responds to shame the same way. We get those who commit suicide of the embarrassment and shame that comes with it, we have people taking matters into their own hands in the “I’ll show you” mentality. We have those in fear who walk away, avoiding confrontation of someone taking self respect away from them. Knowing myself flaws and all, good and bad, and in light and dark has helped me find the balance to fight my fights rationally, fairly, and make it a point to let people know that if they choose to disrespect in the absence with mutual respect “They got me fucked up.” Which in the end it comes down to the feeling of self loathing, insecurity, and self doubt. Where being human is hard. But in the end we have to have the empathy for those. Because we been there. And if we haven’t, it’s only a matter of time when we will.