The Tears That I No Longer Cry

The symbol I have iconically identified with is the Phoenix as the legend of the Phoenix is that after it’s death, it rises from the ashes. Before seeing Mulan, I always said that the spirit animal that I always have had some sort of trauma that has held me down before since childhood. One of the misconceptions is that trouble doesn’t find you, you find it. It’s a blanket statement that brings a chuckle as following the advise that I was given at a very young age, I finally followed. And when told to those people that I finally did what they did and look what happened, continued to tell me how to lead my life with one huge difference, an attempt to dodge accountability and playing victim.

One of the things that I always believed is that people have a gift and that those gifts must be used. Ironically, we live life almost never using that gift as many people will tell us that it doesn’t pay the bills. We try to channel it and do it, but in the end we give up. It’s not because we can’t or that we won’t. It’s because we get discouraged. Writing the first book “The Journey of an Unraveled Road” was the first attempt for people to do that. To keep people at bay, I had to lie so they could leave me the fuck alone and so I wouldn’t fall into that trap of losing hope within myself. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into that piece literally, almost losing my life. In the time that I got sick, an attempt to condition me from resting and not working hard was attempted. I refused as in my head I said that this needed to be done for the greater good. My trauma and tragedy played into the stories of others that suffered different things and if they couldn’t stand up for themselves, it was my destiny to put it out there. With the hope that one day, they would get the courage to rise up from the ashes like I did.

After it is all said and done I continued my mission. Starting off with a blog page that led into a book series that has two completed books to the series that I already have planned out telling the story about a superhero who is female, who is attempting to resolve issues of trauma that has her doubting herself and her abilities that grows into a hero who is destined to save the Universe in a fight against spiritual warfare. Since the mistreatment and the un-appreciation that our COVID era has had our poor people go through, with that said it was appropriate to have the protagonist have a profession that many people looked down on as I attempt to make a living while sick at that as many people asked a common question “What else do you do” which people low keyed always made little jabs asking inappropriate questions that would get offended and play this competition game when they asked about my education background and about the book. Which always came back with a blanket response like “Who are you to give psychological input” which my answer was “life experience and my need to go back to school to get a psychology degree to avoid comments like yours.” In retrospective, those who admired it would open up about things that with an empathetic heart and open mind, helped them begin the steps to begin healing. Which many who have kept in touch with me have also said the book helped them open their eyes and begin realizing the things that held them back. Comments from others being triggers, but ultimately them taking accountability for letting people get the best of them.

People ask me what kind of life are you living and of course the response to simple is not appealing to them as one thing I realized is that people want the fame, fortune, and glamour. Ironically people are after the same thing, the fabulous life. Hey, maybe if the time comes I will indulge a little. But truth is I have a lot of obstacles ahead of me being a caretaker for my dad who can’t walk due to a stroke, which trying to get the proper care he needs that Medicare isn’t covering due to a change in benefits that affects all adult patients who have Medicaid due to some thing that was low key passed by the government which was an attempt to strip these patients from their coverage, caring for my Great Aunt who has Stage Four Cancer, and making sure my Abuela stays healthy. Truth is, that fortune everyone wants would come very useful for everyone in my family and myself as I am monitoring a condition myself, which thanks to an overactive immune system which is a rarity, a blessing, and a curse as the major things like the Luekemia is slowly easing itself, but since the human body isn’t use to a condition such as that, still brings other complications. Which wreaks havoc on my body. The blessing you ask, I am immune to some major illnesses that labs have shown can build an immunity to other things, potentially even COVID as it would explain the close call and immediate recover when I contracted it in April 2020 while ridesharing. Don’t get me wrong, just cause I’m immune doesn’t mean I am going to be careless. As contracting it and not getting care for it, that was hard to get testing on when I attempted to get it had me denied and on a wild goose chase just to get a simple free test.

The future is bright moving forward however since the past year. I am not as sick as I use to be which is amazing, the unresolved issues I had are resolved and has me responding to real time traumatic events like a champ and in the most recent venture, submitted an application for a potential run for office in 2022. One of the things that I feel will help me be successful is my desire to change things not just for one person but for everyone involved. Being able to stand up to the misconceptions and paint the picture that many will be in denial of as they are in the writing I do. Maybe people say that I am over reacting , but then it plays out exactly how I called is as it’s not to insult or embarrass, it’s to point out the issues that we all face and don’t want to admit too. The sad part of it is that the need to prove me wrong becomes counter productive as not identifying the issue at hand, makes it harder to fight against. Which is why I choose to dance to the beat of my own drum, not needing approval or validation. Which is why I continue to write finding out ways to point out these issues so I can have a little bit more of open transparency. For once in my life, I chased down my demons and I have no more tears of the past to cry over because I have come to terms with it. I’ve accepted them resolved them and instead of running away from them. And when encountered with idealisms that become irrational, can vocalize why it’s wrong and why those behaviors engaged are enabled bad behaviors. No matter what people paint of me I who I am. Which is why for me there is no more tears left to cry.