They say the Nile is not a river in Egypt. Ugly Truth is almost everyone has tubed this river like it was Labor Day on the Guadalupe River in Texas. Some of us stay on this content until you fall off and get pulled down by the current until you can’t breath anymore giving up the fight to break free and staying there till they turn blue. In this analogy, my role is to play EMS in hopes that instead of waking towards the light you fight to live and start living. This continued even post journey, as my hope that COVID19’s worldwide pandemic scared everyone my death thinking that this as I referenced on a previous blog that with nature taking the lives with the “gaslighting” CNN interview said about the actions taken to protect the people, we are given false hope that the virus would disappear with a warning given by the same entity, the CDC has been publicly warning about the virus against the request from the President, it got worst and claims more lives each day. As those who followed on blind faith and no understanding of the biology and chemistry it takes to make these treatments effectively safe by chemist who measure the quantities and after testing, has literally poisoned some to the point of suicide stemmed by the fear of dying. Which the lies they my essential workers on rideshare consensus having people who treat them with less respect, and misperceived ideologies that some organizations preach, making these people have a sense of Godly protection, which has me worried that with the warnings no one seems to acknowledge stated that this second wave is going to be far more fatal due to flu season and as we are conditioned to not cares until it affects us, which by the info being reported in scientific news that there may now be interact with other microorganisms, will only be reported until it starts affecting us directly, which by then it will be too late to stop it, as the man still shows behaviors of a “out of sight out of mind” approach, will not make it a big deal until it becomes worse and possibly be too late as he has proven time and time again. That not only nature will continue to allow it to get stronger and until it officially jeopardizes him personally and depending on if higher powers (from any religion intervention) may have be what could maybe be the end of humanity. Reading that itself, making excuses just proves my point. We as people don’t like to be scared as it causes panic, which when fear hits, makes people do the most erratic things to protect themselves from unknown doom. Those who give up don’t care about what happens and continues to self indulge, while others go to extremes to the points that they do things to harm themselves. Because for whatever reason, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. Some of those who don’t see the light, live on a day by day basis. Neglecting the bigger picture with the lost of hope just finding a way to survive another day whether it be self medicating ghosts from the past. Then you have those big picture thinkers which in adolescence starts as the big dreamer. Those who only want great things for everyone they love. Then those from broken homes have hope of having of having a better life, for their kids, things their parents never were able to have; something to give back for their parents efforts, to be something that their family is proud of and something their future kids will be proud of.
As adults the big picture is being proactive, being prepared, and planning for the worst and hope for the best. And you have those who are cautious, protective of their status their persona as in today’s age, perception is the only thing that will get you anywhere. But why even try, if with the things we have, the things we protect, the things we value mean if we see nothing changing, nothing improving, no one to do the right thing. Why even try when change never happens? This is what I thought every time I get used, abused, and mistreated. Ironically enough, those that face adversity say similar or exactly the same thing. Why try? Why even bother? Ugly truth is that we settle. When things get good. We settle. When things get great. We settle. When things are it best. We settle. One thing we don’t settle is status that’s motivated through personal motive. The triggers being social norms stemmed by culture and heritage, by the ghost of our pasts and by the ghost of others. Saying the little people never get ahead? Why the value one perceives on the outside. But my journey blessed me with one thing, being presented with the truth I was wanting to see. Which we all have seen, not personally but through art and history. Where future of the rich and powerful give it all up in hopes of finding happiness away from the stability and security money can buy as hardships develop a persons character in hopes to find their true identity. And the poorest of the poor hit rock bottom and rise above the ashes. This is what I neglected to see driven by my ghost, by the ghost of others, and what that social norms perceive as accomplished, where my modeling, my designing, my resilience was never enough because I wasn’t known, I wasn’t rich, and I wasn’t desired. Making me want more and getting good, better, best at things I desired was never happy. I was content in every milestone, I settled to the point of comforting myself saying if this is good as it gets I’m good, raising a standard on everything but my own needs and raising standards to the wants I was missing. Even attaining that. I never was truly happy. I was good at perceiving this but never genuine. Which once denial is eliminated that those who see call out, but in my insecurities and trust issues always waited for “I’ll be rewarded one day on my good deeds” which became the absolution that never came which denial eliminated that my insecurities fueled by someone else’s was something that I tolerated and after isolating myself began to evaluate the rational pros and cons of the situation that lead to a journey that in self realization, people affected me to the point of holding my true self hostage out of the fear of things that I actually enjoyed. That the consistencies that in childhood changed by adults in my life where things that as an adult were shared with me started adjusting to things that they personally felt. Ugly truth is in childhood, we have been conditioned to listen to those that appeared to know better, but were battling things they hid, following blindly into the path of un-genuine happiness that disappeared at the signs of unappreciation and “insubordination.” And when you disobeyed, they take it all back, including the image you gained by them. Why? Because of the unknown fear of your own abilities. That if you matched them, you become equal or rival. And if you succeed, become better. That after taking you in, you might be better and leave them behind.
One thing I’ve been asked by essential workers is “Why do they mistreat us if we are sacrificing out lives and family when it’s hard to get employees to come in and people who say need jobs but don’t want to even apply?” I will tell you I don’t know, I have ideas, but I know it’s out of fear of COVID19. What I do know is we don’t know how to genuinely appreciate people. That because the things we appreciate are not the same, so since we can’t provide you the material aspect in the “I wish I could help you” comes from what we don’t have for ourselves yet stems, but it’s the small acts of kindness that service people in the front lines want. In all honesty, for me it perceives as being safelessly reckless is the lie society says as we are convinced since we think we know ourselves, our better judgement in circles that provide us what we want when we want even if it’s for a moment and regardless of it’s a lie. Which seeing the behavioral patterns and the defensive response from every day people is that my stock went up because you survived the pandemic. Whether it be a false perception of higher intervention, kissed by an Angel, given the luxury of not having to work, or whatever it may be turns into false entitlement and the rationalization of why your life is not as important to mine as I was blessed with the ability to not have to work, in some out of genuine necessity but n many working the system, which now has gradually getting more difficult as those workers begin to gain after a 8-12 shift dealing with the same sob story they have heard over and over from another opportunist trying to get a free ride by excuses after excuse turned to verbal abuse of nit getting what they don’t deserve.
Pre-Journey I almost became the same person, over and over dealing with the same people, doing the same thing, and getting the same result was discouraging. Nothing changed within me, my character was the same but had different outer perceptions. We do this everyday of our lives from being one person at work, one person, and school, being a different person to fit in every social circle we associate with. Defensive? Only if your guilty of it? Are you justifying to yourself why I’m wrong and all the things wrong with me? Why? If you don’t care about yourself why should I? Truth is we invest so much time to those who aren’t willing to do things for your virtue or at least take a chance on doing something that may lose a security blanket that they settled for is just a form of fear that through the idea of letting go of the things that don’t get the change we can expect means change will be something you expect or thrive for. You expect it to be given to you on a silver platter that everyone is in line for waiting for the same silver platter. Where the advice given for free doesn’t matter since it’s free and has no worth other other than the temporary confident boost you get with no intention to do anything but only come back around when your security blanket runs out of bleeding you dry of hope and drive, having you blame me for the things you don’t take responsibility and accountability for. Does this sound familiar? Have you been told or said that before? Well lovelies those are the people that truly cared about you that you left you in the moment you needed the most and you to said less likely “shit on them” after exhausting their resources and kindness out of your own selfishness and haven’t apologized yet due to your pride. Or in your grief, as you may be reflecting back on a day that you had to walk away and the guilt of “I should of done something more” is something you have to forgive yourself for and let go as the hardest love to give someone is tough love as in life, it’s takes physical and/or emotional pain to learn our lessons. In my day I was spanked. Not because of my parents inner demons that’s what drinking was for within my dad who one day I hope and feel he will come to peace with what haunts him, it’s cause I did something extremely shitty that if conditioned to adulthood would throw me into jail or worst. We live in a society that people want something to be fair and across the board. However, it’s skewed when perception is just a disguise to make us fit in. Which the traumas people face seem to become far worst than the traumas from previous past generational traumas begin earlier than the past generations of self sabotage and self medicating, where I am shocked when I hear young adults at 19 saying they started at early 5 years old. Where social norms make these trending items of luxury that are impossibly attainable become the light started at the end of the tunnel now just gets dimmer and dimmer with each each passing generation, where self mutilation and humiliation is the only way you will be noticed as with each conspiracy theory is a rumor of biased untruth made to turn each other against one another, where because a child now made to be the outlet to their parents continued attempt to be an example turned into a traumatic existence that had some e willingly degrade themselves hoping that this was the only chance to have a better life, and through those willing to forget where they came from with the fear of potentially losing what they think brings them joy is the anti-conformity those born into inflicted with the traumas we can’t understand that we gain by the power of forces to be, is why lacking the ability to empathize, show gratitude, and omit the sincerity, as temper tantrums of not getting what we want and work with what we need at the time, just might be when the power to be deems that those higher power resources are exhausted, be the lesson that if fearful of losing the things that perceive the vanity of accomplishment may be the lesson that human nature just might need, all because we thought we knew better. And seeing this genuinely me is why I had stop turning my head. Knowing that no one will listen, but why not try. As the priest before packing away back home in a church I prayed in, overwhelmed by fear, agony, and the question, why have you forsaken me, had the priest say that sometimes the blessings we want actually hurt as someone pained who come out of adversity is a reminder that we are human. Being able to out of it with a different perspective, resurrection, and those who come out of it still with love and compassion for not only people, but those who have inflicted them with scaring power, but those with the pain turned love baring the scars in a burning world is the most greatest gift one can ever be given. Being kind and cruel leaving rationality is a blessing, it encompasses compassion and mercy that today’s world can’t even understand. It’s a divine power blessed to those that deserve. My question to him “why does it have to be so full of trial and tribulation?” He gave me a answer I didn’t understand at the time, until today. Being a human, has us always questioning our logic, even at the most happiest. Asking myself the same question of “trial and tribulation.” Having compassion from the human condition and coming to a truth I finally was able to see made me question it today “as empathy who think they hide it well” plus things that in a normal environment (business environment) as an incident to help a friend turned brother at the Days Inn at Downtown Riverwalk has the night desk clerk give me an explanation talking to me if I never ever traveled out of San Antonio, speaking to me like many women get spoken in the city of San Antonio that i loved, resulting to retaliatory behaviors after revealing his condescending tone, degrading me, and ignoring me entirely which in s business environment would not be acceptable, having to reach customer service also mocking me when I asked what I did and told them writer, could hear the the call center outsourced that the first representative said they all worked at, had the supervisor think out loud “oh shit” after looking up my webpage that the blog stats showed a view as stats appear in real time. Having more views that same day, still being underminded by a non returned call made by the Wyndham Corporation that thanks to the respect that these employees choose to give, has hindered the perception of a once glorified perceived notion, that has demonstrated something we tolerate in our place of work, a toxic work environment that bleeds into the treatment. That begins to infect the personal lives of the majority that like a virus mutates/evolves with the ghosts of everyone’s past. Which true be told, ifs you have the courage to wear the armor in unknown territory, will see just how unfair the world can truly be. Prove me wrong by physically walking in someone else’s shoes for a 24 hours to its entirety, being the raw and vulnerable version of you. But the beautiful thing is you see those amazing people who do for everyone out of necessity and start seeing those who do it out of being unhappily comfortable, which was revealed by the priest in my speaking to the higher power I was raised on. The ugly truth that I was given, to have a gift of insight and don’t persevere through the abyss of doubt, there really isn’t hope after all. People may not understand now or ever, but many souls are willing to sacrifice themselves which is why we have free will. Which the reasons behind the advice given is unique as it was meant specifically for me, played the undertone of Elton Johns “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” as every conquered chapter in life is another yellow brick road left behind.