I can’t tell you where I got my mantra of expect the worst hope and hope for the best. I freely shared this openly with many people on my journey and always was classified as being negative, regardless of the positive and bubbly attitude I expressed consistently. When someone made sense of it, someone always came along and with one opinion that was stemmed from insecurity, was proof enough to price that this truly was my character. Looking back at the process I realize that subconsciously truth be told, I been ready to heal from a traumatic childhood as I didn’t want to feel unsure of myself. I justified everything I did and always had to one up on someone. I expected things that I wasn’t willing to feel, I treated people different, disregarded the people that didn’t fit my convenience. At the end I never wanted to take accountability for the wrong I did that stemmed from an optimistic and distorted view that as long as I follow God, I still was a good person, and as long as I did things things, I could keep a clear conscious to not noticing my behavioral pattern, if faced with final judgement that since I dedicated myself to the church, seeing that everyone is desperate for redemption but still enabled my bad behavior by proving, justifying, and finding every reason why it’s justified I would enter the gates of heaven in the afterlife and live my best life. Which followed by people similar to me who reached the level of success that I thought would be the ultimate game changer. Not realizing that with every attempt in the next chapter, I was becoming more defensive, still wanting more to have an upper hand to the person that I subconsciously was intimidated myself, convincing myself why it’s justified, why they were wrong, and when consequences were about to hit convince myself that the real victim was demonized and to preserve the work that ended up in the Bible; an eternity of hell. I became what what I perceived myself as Red from the fairly tale version. I was the Grim version of that story. I was Red in Wolf skin doing harm to others with no redemption. And in the end, still missing something in my life as I got the what I wanted and even surpassed my expectations, but gluttony in more was the only thing that never happened. Gaining my self worth.
One thing that I’ve noticed is people always have something to prove. When faults or people who have struggled with getting out of those situations, gravitate and stay in that social class. Looking at the bigger picture, we always use the bird of a feather for the sake of self preservation and when that person starts not fitting the requirements, get kicked off the island and get banished until they can meet those shallow and petty requirements. If your justifying it, getting offended, or trying to justify why there’s something wrong with me, or are in denial, you’re afraid. Not of me specifically. I’m not one to be scared or intimidated by. I have no authority to judge anyone. I leave that 100% of powers to be. I truly empathize humbly. As a matter of fact I’ve been there as well as many of the people that I’ve met on my journey from all walks of life from homeless to the filthy rich as I never understood why people would be comfortable with me. But the truth is, it’s because I wad naive in the notion that I always felt that showing consistency would eventually make whether guard that was up, come down. But truth is, through fear of judgement from someone else along with an subconscious fear of having to face your own motives, those who weren’t ready would be forced to faced the self they been denying their whole life’s. In the catastrophic scenario which breaks my heart every time someone thinks they are better than me at whatever is going on in their head regardless of consistently showing them I’m not what they perceive, am forced after not respecting me by respecting my boundaries and after some attempts in intentional inflicted emotional pain, start little by little revealing what they resented this whole time. The dark side they possess.
Consistency showed through my light side while inconsistencies were revealed through my dark side. I’m not a psychologist so I can’t tell you exactly why that occurs. What I do know, which was an attempt to wrong the rights of the world, starting with saving people then started with the mantra of how are you gonna love anyone of your going to love yourself. This was the process of filling voids that my current chapter couldn’t fulfill. Maybe my salving grace was what I reference in the book as concrete angels. The rejects of the world who society deemed unworthy as they did not hold the material values or the scholastic credentials to get of society as back then passive aggressive tendencies were more made for those who couldn’t face face reality. With the cruelness of what was the people who have more value were openly vocal, causing those who tried give up on themselves. Truth is those same people that did that then, ended up doing that to me as a adolescent, having those kids from my concrete angels past, encourage their kids bullying by being a spectator, by being an enabler which the journey revealed in every situation that abuse is a conditioned behavior that ranges from mild to severe attempts which continues to follow the next generation. Continuing a ripple effect that instead of encourages individuality, fits the standards of the status, which admitting I don’t know everything, illuminating that the truth get conditioned to follow the status quo. Which the journey also reveals more than just playing it safe. It brings to light the regrets of a life why missed or never afforded.
After high school, change did occur and like always with good intention. I ended up finding out in my first year of college that participation awards were being given, which I still don’t get as for me, losing only made me learn. It made me work harder. It made me find alternative ways and made me better prepared if it occurred again. Little by little it seemed like immediately after 911 we became fearful of threats, now stereotyping not only one ethnicity but everyone who was showed characteristics of the category of people we didn’t approve. To the point that if they were weak enough, would humiliate intentionally to bend them into conforming to the standards we thought seemed fit. Which ended up having society take prayer away in school but now try to initiate another ban. Seeing it now the whole fucken nation began retaliating. School shootings were a norm and teenage suicide was starting to be an epidemic, and it was always that child who was demonized and it was that parent that was bad. And the really fucked up thing about it is, seeing that in these situation the absence of empathy and no one even reporting or writing about the regrets of what other parents or adults who knew better could of done to stop it and instead trying to find more validity to prove why the incident occurs only tells me one thing, accountability and the conditioned effect of you can’t control how people make you feel is another lie we tell ourselves in our deceptive acts of faking it to make it for the sake of the false identity we think we are portraying. Thus enabling the art of sociopaths and narcissist behavioral with intent to get ahead in live.
The quick come back after I reveal this truth is people will immediately think I’m on something, I’m an alcoholic, I’m a drug addict, or crazy, shows that when to je different and you are on another level of logic and because it goes against what they convey is the desperate attempt to shame you to conformity. I’ve called out relatives who assumed based on my ex fiancés sociopathic personality and the need to control and resolve everything and have an emotional abuse outburst to doubt myself said I was on drugs. If you care about someone, why let them follow that path. If you ask yourself cause l didn’t want to get involved and I didn’t want to make them do something they weren’t doing, why not change the approach instead of engaging in the way that has other people not even want to tell you why they don’t come to you. It’s in good intention but your being judgey. You’re without even knowing your making yourself seem your better than them, basically saying you don’t have time for them or for their own well being. That you could do it, they can too. Which is why many people make these identities, portray things that they really don’t mean, because of the things they are scared of and don’t admit. This world, now showing in media is that if you want to get what you want, you have to be a shitty and evil person. Where one moment of fame or fortune will make up for all the things that should of happen, because of what someone else did. But it’s never the truth. Perception is opinion. Where like many others who attempt to make up for lost time do and find redemption without any intent of attempting is this, you’re insecurities and fears have turned into selfishness in the pursuit of happiness that you think is what you want.
Those who fell victim to the real demons of the world now from trauma turned into insecurities and intentional acts of sin to hurt other in the sake of constantly attempting to gain happiness that you never fulfilled and struggle to find the void of what is now the life you lie to yourself daily is what you chose to those who already know the truth and really don’t genuinely care as they too are after the things that will do you one better all in this never ending competition in the game we call life, when do you admit to yourself the real truth? Because getting aquatinted with your dark side as my journey as proven, that having balance is the key determinate, as that void in the catastrophic moment of resentment, will make you after feeling like you got nothing to lose and those you love finally betray you, will begin a snowball effect of bad behaviors, that lead to self conflict, leading to self sabotage, leading to destructive behaviors, and finally a fate no matter how good you get take you to places where even though you lie to yourself your emotionally prepared for as you now set yourself up to not only face people who not only want to stop you from going deeper, but others who have a darker side than you do that even the smallest sigh of disrespect can cost you your life and the life of your love one. Which I’ve unfortunately met. And since I’ll never interfere with the powers that be, cannot intervene. As the behavioral pattern that you’ve shown has shown that the bed you made. Because karma is finally collecting what is due.