My dad always told me never to cry in front of people as it is a sign of weakness. On the flip side, when my dad would acknowledge I was at the brink of breakdown, regardless of his personal feelings, he would sit down to ask me what was wrong and in encouraging me to talk it out, would say in the midst of tears “it’s okay to cry it out. It cleanses the soul my dragonfly.” Today I cried not because of what’s happening in my life. Mind you, my dad is recovering and attempting to gain back his emotional strength to get somewhat back to his hold self post stroke, my great aunt in physical pain found ended up finding growth in areas of her internal body that she neglected to consider, my grandmother figuring out how to help both of them without feeling remorse or guilt, and I just trying to keep their spirits up while finding ways to help out more in this family financially. These are challenges I gladly accept that empathetic, doesn’t deteriorate me personally. These are not my battles regardless of what they may perceive in their grief. I can offer emotional support, I can be empathetic, but I cannot take full accountability for what they are experiencing. In the end, they each have to gain the empowerment to battle their own fight. They got this, I know they do.
In hindsight, the pain, the regret, the resentment, the grief, and everything that comes with it is what breaks my heart initially.The fortunate thing for them is they have someone living with them that can help them rationally figure things out, weight the options, and rationally overcome the negative feelings that comes with these situations. The reason why I cried was because these emotions that come with when the chips are down is what I have seen throughout my return home from the big city of Texas; Houston, TX. What caused the water works were a few rides I transported to their destinations in a moment of defeat and a moment of shame, that caused them to beat themselves up. Ignoring the underlying issues of the current events of our COVID era, the violence happening around the country, and the pains they carry that they don’t realize makes them feel they never will gain redemption as this COVID era as my earlier passenger brought up that I realized “it’s a luxury to make it as an elder in this time of age”. Feeling this sorrow in people already pre pandemic and now feeling it more and more in everyone, like Sam Fischer’s “This City”, the city feeling more and more lonelier as death knocks on random doors more frequently, my home, this city really has broken my heart.
I have mentioned before that we neglect to look at things in hindsight and that we disregard the journey others have endured amid ours. Self involvement is one of social norms worst qualities gained that hinders the emotional evolution of each individual. In the assumption that we gain, based on the stereotype and the background we grow up with, we neglect to acknowledge that some of us began in hardship. We assume the persona of those who have made it and those who haven’t yet. We ignore economical factors that each individual had to work with, quoting my book “we play the hand that we are dealt to the best of our ability”. Some of us are able to go “all in” and bluff our way through life, while other’s can’t even if they tried. Not everyone has it easy. Their are some who work harder, fight harder, and were conditioned to be stronger. Many of these people are the individuals who come to America as immigrants and work hard, putting blood, sweat, and tears into building a better life. The thing that we don’t even bother to ask when we are self involved is their story. Truth is in doing just that, we can find so much to already be grateful for. America based on stories from both American born and immigrants is probably one of the most entitled and unappreciative countries the world has ever encountered. Why do you think so many countries don’t like us? With the social norm of “self-involvement” and the “if it doesn’t affect me, it doesn’t matter” is probably one of the most ignorant qualities we can have as people. I am not going to blame anyone for having this mentality because we are fortunate enough not to have experience some of the things others have, but doesn’t mean that other countries have the same mentality.
Those who rise up are in jeopardy of gaining this mentality no matter where you are. It takes the individual to change that mentality. Like many who have been kind enough to share, running water, hot water, electricity, and the many fast and convenient food choices are a luxury for Americans. Even attending school is a luxury as many immigrants depending on financial status are lucky enough to make it past elementary school. COVID shined some light on the realities of our existence, where safety supplies are scarce and hard to come by. As nature begins to show it’s fury and heaven forbid another pandemic, which history has shown get worst and worst occur, what if these become luxuries to us? What happens if things become so scarce that only a certain tax brackets can afford this? What if corrupt power gains the oval office able to psychologically manipulate the minds of those in Senate? What if the things we take for granted and the things we overlooked become something that happens in post apocalyptic scenarios on screen and in literature? With the discrediting, the underestimating, the devaluing, the degrading, the stereotyping we do to survive a world where we can’t determine people’s intentions; what if we burned so many bridges that in a more grimm world, we are truly left to fend for ourselves? Those who deny this neglect to know that living on the grid, it only takes one person in power to flip the switch and leave us left to fend for ourselves. Which brings me to the journey of someone left anonymously for many valid reasons which even has them under an alias associated with a government employer that in a irrational and emotional outburst from powers above, can happen at any given moment as our technology based world can be turned off by one switch.
Some of the things that we take for granted is some things that are within ourselves. This is probably one of the biggest injustices I have committed to myself throughout my lifetime. Intuition, something that we all possess is one of the most important things that we can’t ever take for granted. How many of us have been in the situation that something tells us to do something and we talk ourselves out of doing it? These are the things that we will never get back into finding out how things might have turned out. We can’t live in regret when we do this. The reason being is that it already happened, it’s time to move forward, but ultimately it’s because we were not emotionally ready to deal with the outcome that could of occurred. If you think about it, organic fear is something that is something we cannot ever deny. Organic fear is an animal instinct that we have that protects us from the things we know is going to go wrong. On the flip side, inorganic fear which is the fear that is ruled by our own bias based on life experience, the outcomes, and the feeling we gained within those experiences. It also includes the fear that others have conditioned us to have that are not from our own decision making, but the fear from others who have experienced the outcome. This holds true to everything we encompass within ourselves. We underestimate ourselves way too often based on someone else’s grandiose opinion. Truth of the matter is, when we do gain that power it’s in the most negative form we can ever possess, filled with rage, anger, and resentment. We all are in jeopardy of doing this and in the end, we come at ourselves sideways. Everything I gained in this journey came in trial and tribulation. Does it mean it was easy, hell no. Does that mean I should share it with the world? You’re damn fucken right! Life was hard but not harder than others have had.I worked hard, but not harder than others. Did my pain matter? Not to those who I didn’t directly affect, but it did matter to those who were more pained.
Truth is when you’re faced with adversity and you take for granted the things you have, you fight desperately to keep it, leaving self respect and self love out the door. You result to irrational acts to gain the things you’re about to lose. I did that a couple times in the past which resulted in my own revolution. When you evolve into something powerful than those who underestimate you it’s thrilling. Where you realize that every attempt to get rid of you is their desperate attempt to get rid of a problem all in the sake of self preservation. Because those foolish enough to think they made you, realize that they contributed to something far more greater than them. That in their efforts to have you engage in their grandiose with “you need to worry about you” turned into something that can be best described in AC/DC’s Thunderstruck. “I was caught in the middle of a railroad track. I looked round. And I knew there was no turning back. My mind raced and I thought what could I do? And I knew there was no help, no help from you. Sound of the drums, beating in my heart. The thunder of guns tore me apart. You’ve been Thunderstruck”. Which through my life pre and post “Journey of an Unraveled Road”, the same feeling is something I relive everyday of my life. As more and more people stop taking themselves for granted and start seeing the bigger picture, it’s a great feeling to see as I was able to witness on my last trip just what someone who gains their power in empowerment is able to do. Again as I am a crier, the most amazing thing in life, is seeing them achieve the impossible they never imagined they could do. What that is you ask? For now, this is something between me and my rider that those in doubt will have to wait and see. I will say this, once you stop taking things for granted, including yourself humbly and selflessly is a feeling I hope everyone in life is able to experience.