Why Defection is a Reflection of Your Insecurities
Before I go into this blog, I want to first of all say, I apologize for not haven’t posted since this past. The original plan was to write on Thursday but of course I’m no strange to adversity, it reared it’s ugly head. So in advance I will remind you that I have nothing to my name and I’m a freshman author. With the discrimination among the other things unjust acts along with being evicted for telling the apartment about the mold issue that was jeopardizing my health I was forced to start over. In addition with finding out about some conditions that almost cost me my life, the remainder part of 2019 was attempting to recover. And already seeing they was engaging in bad behaviors that I engaged in with the news of my friend by Corona Virus: I decided to separate myself down things I know I would allow myself to be vulnerable to, I decided to not only separate myself from social media, I also needed to separate myself from my paternal family who I live with to assure composure, brings me to the development of my next journey.
When I wrote The Journey of an Unraveled Road, I wrote it in grief as I felt a catastrophic loss and betrayal from my mom that made my maternal side turn against me. I felt grief and started engaging in bad behaviors that made me start thinking about the extreme things I was capable that gave me a divine self understanding with myself. I never realized it, but I applied the Jungian Therapy by accident, which made me have an understanding of my darkness or shadows per say, which made me have a understanding of my faults, admitting to them, and finding the person who I truly was and not the person I was trying to perceive. Don’t be a hypocrite either, because since I have a better understanding of my own shadows I can easily identify yours as the things you dint admit to and deflect is the reflection of who you are. It’s not my job to try to prove you right, this is a person decision that you can make that only you can control. Because my dad took me wanting to separate myself as something against my family, my dad told me “don’t bother coming back because we don’t need you” and assumed that I was living my best life, which the reality was, after grieving enough to have rationality; the symptoms that were finally gone came back more violent that it did before.
Today is the first day that iI talked to my grandma since Wednesday, telling her that I only came to get a few things until things cleared and got the medication I take regularly that is told would control it as I was 19 hours in with my last dose. The conversation started with an attempt to guilt me in believing I didn’t want to be around them (probably from my dad as she quoted him verbatim in a non abusive way), then acted as a third person to convey concerns they had in things I would say. It then turned into a your sickness is better than mine, then a conversation on actions I should take that just has proven only enabled his bad behaviors, and finally ended with deflections on how I need to accept treatment and unintended abuse that would be caused by a intoxicated mind and scared ego. Which the final straw of saying I was only being disrespectful and taking advantage of them, made me come to the conclusion that with 3.33 in my bank due to assuring m myself of inflicting damaging pain after pointing out his truths of the way he’s been acting with me which during a peaceful conversation says he should of been able to accomplish my small achievement of writing a book that I’ve purposely delayed publishing to assure I get a better grasp of bent w woman of my word said that out of respect for the family and the love I have to not want to hurt them, I’ll only come back when I secure a place that I can home my dog Lucas will be the last time they see me again, which the last attempt to get me back home was the card I had that I had needed to be returned, which was mailed back today as I did but want to go.
After talking to my great aunt, the truth they believed was revealed that I was bored and tired and that I was fine and happy living my life without them, which broke me down in tears out of frustration and sadness as I was scared and frustrated that the symptoms that were suppose to be gone after recovery was back. And that instead of taking 3 months took 3 days and that because the book money they thought I was getting was not even earned because I’ve been delaying the release, and that now with the symptoms coming back and now truly no health care coverage, my concerns of the quality of life that if left untreated can become severe, that due to skin irritations I currently have that turned into skin infections that now without health insurance will be a life sentence. And is this going to effect me that due to an unethical action that Sprint acted on, I never was given a chance to fully recover from. And now with my shitty immune system and a fungal infection at its most violent and fearful of being the next victim of COVID-19 after my hotel that I extended to give everyone peace of mind, now may end up having to be a statistic in either way you look at it. And was my college eduction that left me in debt, my fight for injustice, and that writing a self help book was all for nothing? I guess in my moment of despair, she attempted to talk me down from committing suicide she made one pint that made me realize something crucial, that things weren’t going to change. That we enabled each other to stay safe and not hurt? That for the first time in my life I chose a road that maybe in another life in a perfect world I would of made an impact in the world? That maybe this was all ways to scare me through influence. Well if that is a my fate then I’m gong to go down the true and authentic person that I’m proud of. That maybe that for some crazy reason, I’m being used as an example. That how many great thinkers in time in their era were deemed crazy and foolish for being happy with things most people found success and happiness from? That maybe it will encourage one person to be braver than they once were, giving one person hope. That my integrity and compassion will walk out of a toxic situation regardless of the potential struggle. And the hardships ahead may hinder my progress or even my fate, but like Socrates believed, I’d rather fail and/or die being an authentic me than being a the version that makes those in the social norm judge and assume why I never became successful. That regardless of the win or lose, I tried and failed but when it’s al said and done; it was still my way. But the greatest thing about it all, no matter what happens in the end l, I will never change cause I still he really light in my heart and will all always be grateful for helping me become the person I am today.