The Conflict In a Haggled Self Worth

Even though this occurs in both sides males and females people will cut someone down to make them feel worthy. This was conflicting for me because I didn’t know my self worth. From kid to adulthood, I always was made fun of because of my uniqueness. Throughout life I always felt I was ugly, which ended up my search to attain a net price for myself. As pathetic as it sounds, every single person in this world is trying to find their worth through some sort of outlet, even those who think they know their self worth. You don’t have to justify or admit to anything to me. As a matter of fact I want you to keep this to yourself. It’s no ones business. But if anyone tries to call you out because they think they know, tell them to shut the fuck up and worry about themselves. Their ignorant asses are struggling with the same damn thing thing with their deflecting ass. The reason why I say this is because in one way or another we did ourselves an injustice and haggled our own self worth. To keep your head above water, sometimes you need to sell yourself short. Shit, I should of done that too. If I would of done it, the book writing journey would of been easier. But knowing myself, I would of been easily trapped if I stayed in a toxic work environment. But knowing myself I would of settled and never been able to break free. The truth is when you realize your absolute true worth, you start seeing things in a totally different way.

Throughout this journey I have measured my worth through many different outlets from materialistic, the positions I’ve held, the cars I’ve drove, the clothes and shoes I wore, the experiences I’ve held, the people I had around me, and even the organizations I’ve been involved in. In the end none of this shit matters because when shit hits the fan, none of these things or these people were around to dig me out the door. One of the most heart breaking things I’ve had to do is sell the things that I busted my ass for, putting my blood, my sweat, and tears and all just to eat and stay as healthy as I could because truth is the first thought that popped in to my head is I haven’t even fulfilled my purpose yet. The ugly truth is that I still haven’t proven my worth.

Many people who have secured the life they have gotten comfortable with end up still missing something in the end. The amazing thing about my journey is those who realize that my happiness is literally isn’t a act, they begin to ask me how I ended up achieving that state of happiness. My answer is different with everyone based on the insecurity they hold. Funny thing is the ones that hold one of the deadly sin of vanity, it’s hard for them to even fathom the thought of doing something that may hinder their appearance and I don’t have the heart to tell them that the only reason they have gained their life is by the insecurities of those that have given them as truth is their outer appearance doesn’t match the social standard. The uglier truth is that if the person that possess this standard with no makeup, no surgical enhancement, and without prosthetics, that life will disappear just like Thanos did in Avengers End Game. Thanks to this journey, I’ve met these individuals and they are nothing like the world would perceived. You want to know why? As they have experienced this treatment their whole life and what to me more than just what they perceive, as this perception with someone’s else’s pride has put them through the most toughest situations due to the retaliation of someone’s misjudgment.

In those journey believe it or not, the seven deadly sins play an essential part in completing this journey. We all are indulgent in one way or another. Denying that already shows that one of many of those sins you currently possess. Pride is probably the one that is common in all of us. Pride is the easiest trap to fall into. Because through not knowing yourself, it has you doing the most unreal things that when you reflect think, why was I so pendeja. You laugh at your self in the end and when around someone who has conquered this, will laugh with you talking about the stupid shit you did together. But pride is the one that if your not emotionally ready to handle, will make you underestimate the wrong person.

Of course we know the pride of men, as I explained this yesterday. But let me tell you how the pride of women looks like to another woman in this specific and common real life scenario when pride and insecurities get in the way of our better judgement and perceived when your not emotionally ready. Because truth is with the wrong person, could of put her and her male counterpart who probably is abusive was told to take his hand off me cause I fight back when he tried to intimidate me. And let me just tell you this was a couple who perceives to have class and home training.

While passing by to find a Wonder Woman T-shirt, this damaged individual probably caused by her counterpart sees me walking. I’m glancing their way in search of finding the item. I saw the husband glancing (I’m not gonna assume why) and while he glanced the woman glanced immediately and laughed and I gave her the universal resting bitch face. I went into the adjacent isle, as I didn’t want to put her in a situation that already dressed in destructed denim shorts and a cotton tee while she was in a summer dress (which if she wasn’t so defensive would of told her how fabulous it was cause it really was) to do something because she felt she was better than me. As she tried a failed attempt to intimidate me, she yelled “what are you looking at”. I immediately responded “you, since you assumed I was looking your way.” Real talk I didn’t know what she said since her voice was shaky and her tone was nervous. I told her “if you have something to say, I’ll give you the chance to tell me in my face”. I started coming their way and when I pushed the cart aside and walked into their comfort zone, is when her companion made his move. That’s when I told him “you need to let go of my arm cause I fight back. The last guy that tried that, my ex, thought twice about doing that when I gave him a right hook for also saying that he was gonna teach me a lesson”. As he changed his tone and politely asked me to leave and while walking off, and while I walk away this proper woman starts getting brave again and rambling some more gibberish I can’t even understand. I look directly at both of them and said “Can you tell your insecure woman to shut up since she doubts herself probably because of you? You’re lucky I’m rational because someone who’s been pushed is on the edge thanks to personalities like you would of has nothing but joy to cause physical harm to you or rid the world of two less shitty people who should of know better”. What happened next, the victim mentality, where thanks to cameras and me being in the line to check out, proved my statement of letting someone know that I will show people how to respect me and love on with life, because once I made my point they don’t matter after that.

My self worth is priceless. The reason why I say this is because there is no price tag to change the way I feel or look at myself. In many situations I have had people attempt to use there material items, there abilities, their resources, their background, and even what they are capable off. In addition when the aftermath of what happens after or when you are able to show what you are really capable of doing, pride will also make you perceive the truth that you want to perceive, the things that you want to believe, still convincing yourself that after deep down you crossed a person who is capable of the things you aren’t or wish you had, you use the group of numbers to try to back you up to try to intimidate more. The unfortunate thing is that it really has no effect, because in the end just like how misery likes company, you bring more people into the mix and just have them attempt to do the work you couldn’t finish. The power of one is the most powerful of all numbers when you find your self worth. People immediately assume that they have no friends or something is wrong. I get that l the time. It has absolutely nothing to do with this. It’s because truth is, I am not easily influenced. As a matter of fact, it makes you see people for who they are. It makes you see the behavioral patterns. It shows the person that they are. And they always interfere with the things you are doing for yourself. Because there comes a point when you leave them abandoned as they are not at the same level, and get complacent. They end up self sabotaging themselves as since you refuse to enable their behavior and feel sorry for them, they end up demonizing you for things they want to believe. Because truth is they always come back. Because you have something they don’t have. The journey has afforded me to meet and associate with people of all walks of life which those who have the same value, have become friends. And as me, have no group of people they flock to. Because they stopped using that crutch, have goals they are trying to accomplish, have goals they want to climb, have enemies coming that have to take care of. Because they refuse to be devalued as we all have before. Making a individual accomplishment that someone wants to take credit for. And will always have those mock their accomplishments thus following someone’s authority and intention (sometimes good and sometimes bad) and gained their worth by things that will always be measured and always cut down the adversity that happens. Because the ugly truth is if I’m not worth it, why are you waisting your time. And if you cared, why haven’t you invested time to check on my emotional well being because you didn’t have time and assumed I wanted money. Because I might not have a lot friends and I lost it all because someone knew I had something that could take that all away. And because when though trouble found me in the past, obviously I had something they wanted. And because if I really wasn’t worth anything, why do they come back. And now that I know what I’m capable of, no matter what society or someone says is what value means. I’m not bending the knee, I’m not lowering my standard, I’m not settling for nothing less than the values I gained, the respect I earn, and the love for the human condition. I may have been rented or lease but I was never owned as I was able to leave people behind because I was unappreciated and disrespected for the things I’ve done to genuinely care and because they didn’t respect my boundaries. And because everyone has a story, I respect and show the same compassion for the crazy homeless bag lady with the same respect I would a CEO out of want and not guilt. Because life has shown, nothing is guaranteed. And at the end of the day when I take my final breath, I will be confident to know that I gave it my all. Not because I sold my soul for the things I have. But because I did 100% authentically me with 0 doubt in my mind and with the hope that everyone finds happiness and I’ll have no guilt of hurting someone else or for my personal gain. In the words of Frank Sinatra, “yes it was my way” till the end.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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