The Self Doubt of Self Preservation

So yes, I have been mia again. My bad. I’m okay. Nothing that hasn’t happened that I already have the experience to handle has occurred, but already identifying by taking accountability of the things I had control in the situation, how threats will only lead to remove myself from a situation where I am blamed for the consequences that was overseen by those who allowed the situation to occur, advising that scare tactics and shaming is only going to prove me making that first step as it’s a easy fix, the lack of gratitude for the sacrifices and willingness to step up to the plate to assure that everyone involved is secured, that transparency and the need to self preserve their worth has led to this choice, and reassured them that this is not a failure in the way raised. In the end, the pandemic has been the cause of many people around the world face adversities that they were prepared has caused many people to make sacrifices. Shit happens. But when the whole world is sacrificing along with you, you’re sob story means shit to me or many others who are facing the same fate. Since self preservation will make any honest person do un-honest things, I needed to prevent me from falling into a trap of pessimism and assure I am enabling my feeling that people are shitty people. That the things I’ve seen, the stories that have told to me about the ugliness in people, and the sabotage that has taken place during this situation to put ourselves first because we convinced ourselves that we are superior and capable of getting ourselves out of situations ourselves, because you are lying to yourself now. Because if you fucked over the people that helped you in a worldwide crisis, it’s more than likely you engaged in this evil act before. That your resume in behavioral patterns have now confirmed that the ones that helped you in their grief and their sacrifice, it was all for nothing. That the damage you have done now in your act of betrayal that you attained by someone who did the same thing to you, has shown now you will think that you are better than them. And in your act to self persevere an image you established yourself, the things you have gain has been the work of someone who felt sorry for you. And because you have done this to so many, has shown a pattern of your individual inconsistency in your professional life and now established a perception that you cannot be trusted and now truly face a situation that only by hard work and the willingness to admit your fault whether your ready. For those who haven’t reached this, will now be burdened with a reputation that everyone will be cautious to provide during the second phase of COVID19 pandemic, has the challenge of people not taking your word. You officially set yourself up for a tough situation because now showing the inconsistency and the entitlement and the act of self preservation will put you in higher risk as the only people you will be around are the ones with the same reckless behavioral pattern that in their desperate attempt to survive will fall into a situation where you may end up being the death statistic. And if a theory, that only will be revealed in time (which you will deny because of fear) will only find out as it develops all because of the lack of accountability and the unwillingness to put in the extra effort to establish a contingency plan that you control and is not dependent on how long the person your using tolerates.

The ugly truth is you have enabled yourself to be comfortable in a situation you really fear and the more you try to validate or justify the reasoning behind your unethical actions due to things of the things you caused and the doubts within yourself. Which is how we begin some things that I fell into based off the limited resources I now have to ration, the stigmas and perceptions used to demonize and discredit my efforts and the responses and reactions attempted on a failed attempt to self preserve themselves and how they now know that even in a desperate situation that presents itself uncertainty can only be determined by the work and the effort that you put in, and how being receptive to the advise of someone who shows a humbled confidence, that even in your act of self preservation cares enough about you to have empathy his the best resource you have after unwarranted attacks that in the end, continued to show you the compassion you still received after your irrational actions, since they immediately identify the triggers that you now realize they experienced with the only exception is to see you get passed a time that had them doubting their own self worth.

As this post is longer than I anticipated so I am not going to bore you with the story today. But in the past week, I have encountered many people and have impacted many of these positively. We all have defenses up based on to protect ourselves from getting hurt. The only problem the fear that comes with it, the inability to stand up for myself, and disregarding the emotional abuse they through at me has caused honest people to affect me which not only enabled my bad behavior which lead to many crutches to prevent myself from dealing with these issues. It was until in steps made me come to terms with what happened, stopped me from being taken advantage of, that once I started giving myself credit for the things that many have blamed me for, gave me the power to forgive them in a way that benefits both parties involved, to be able to prove to myself that regardless of what people said I wouldn’t accomplish has been accomplished, that once you value yourself humbly, that someone’s attempt to discredit you is their act of self preservation to convince themselves of their own worth, that in the end the shadows of the doubts you had can no longer be used against you, and that by doing this begin to respect yourself to a point that the materialistic things in life.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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