For the longest time I doubted myself, I tolerated unnecessary bullshit. This stemmed from the identities that I was conditioned to have the one I had at work, the one I had in college, the one I had with friends, the one I had with family, and the one I had with my extra curricular group (the one we feel is our most selfs as It offered a false perception of freedom). During my service in healthcare I was molded to be a specific way after people who assumed things that looking at it now was the perception they developed but never held truth which enabled a lot of retaliation. I was young, I was naive, I didn’t know any better. Up until entering the wireless industry I decided to be half of the real me, which included me embracing my San Antonio West Side roots. I was quick to defend my origin but still hesitant to defend myself. When someone said tone it down to make people more comfortable, I told my district manager at the time that he knew what he got when hired me, and I wasn’t going to be someone I wasn’t. I earned my keep by making a store that had a reputation for making zero sales to being the top store in the district. When he left the store to go to another company, I followed now proving my rough around the edges persona, which as a kid has been consistent until punished for inappropriate behavior made me be the person of obedience and conformity. As we spend most of our lives at work, it’s inevitable that we gain a work family, which was the culture Amtel had. This is where I began my journey of leading by example and maintaining my originality. For me, after the incident, I made the decision to be me, now armed with self respect and humbled self love, I decided to be the version of me that was 100% authentic. Coming to terms with my unresolved issues and forgiving myself for the things I’ve done to cause harm, I gained compassion for everyone with the understanding you can’t interceder with their free will. I became transparent with my boundaries, immediately confronted those who did, expressing the consequence of such action, and getting a true understanding call out the reason unresolved issue associated, which I struggled with. If you’re in the wrong, I’m gonna tell your wrong and once the aftermath is calm, apologize for the confrontation however I’m refuse to be told something I’m not as I’m sure of myself. In the best case I’m asked how did I accomplish it, in other cases I’m told what they think I want to hear as they can’t believe my confidence.
False confidence which I see everyday entails someone attempting to intimidate, someone seeking attention, or someone who just humiliates themselves to be noticed in the sake of engaging in destructive behavior just to be accepted. People always use the you’ll be alone forever scare tactic, which is the time I take advantage to reflect, empathize, and learn because even if I don’t get anywhere and I don’t ever recover from the chronic illness I’m inflicted with that I reached something not many achieve. Funy thing is everyone will always second guess my confidence for some underlying issue. I don’t give a fuck. You want to know why, because I love hearing the stories of other people and their journey. It’s a beautiful thing to hear how people got to where the got today. Everyone from all walks of life have one thing in common, they all experience some sort of emotional trauma at an early age. Those who are ready to heal are curious on how I achieved it begin to share a descriptive account and want to know where they should start. I tell everyone to take small steps as it takes emotional courage to face yourself. Those who have an arrogant confidence has always shown to make it a point to compare their confidence as they always trying to prove to themselves a higher worth with intentionally taking a jab expecting to get away with it as everyone has done in the past. Before the showdown I let them know they aren’t prepared for it, and with the record they have as their false entitlement has proven always wins with intimidation and fear, I reveal the person that they are, not only revealing the event but the offenses they committed now, being empathetic about the trauma and telling them you were wronged, but that his fear and resentment with their perception of confidence now as an adult will put them in a bad situation their whole lives and that even though I can care less about the bad things that occurred, there is no reason to make someone feel what they believe they become. Because your not important to anyone in this world and that people who one day if they showed consistency of positive behavioral pattens because in the end, people see the real person they are, that people will never take you serious as he is toxic. And that he will not have consistent happiness because of their self sabotage and living in a fake reality. That they will never have genuine friends, never have the respect that they want, and the partner they desire. That those insecure don’t stay around because they know their worth.
Revealing to light that the insecure person they get on keeping will start realizing that being insecure about someone who has nothing other than the lie they tell themselves is quick to get over. And that in the end, due to the choices they made and eliminate fear, will always be that one person that when the person breaks away from the abuse, will begin their journey as life always gets better after we leave them. With empathy they deserve a chance, they deserve the things they never had, but starts with work on them. And when they take that as a sign of insecurity, walk away with no response or word as before the conversation as they always tell you what you want to hear as all opportunist who build a false sense of confidence by manipulation and once they get in, control of the life that they wanted. Many things made sense after my journey and some things even post journey that I find myself finally saying to myself, why didn’t I see this sooner as some things get revealed when others point it out to you. The one thing is that men are almost always insecure. And that rejection, even if a he disrespects women and sexually exploits women are scared of one entity that makes them uneasy, a truly confident women, which was revealed by friending some really amazing people who pointed out that I had no desire or idea. A beauty that radiates balance, accomplishment, empathy, and humbled expectations, and known my self worth. I have to empathize with men and the social normal standards but men have shown just how insecure and scared that they go to extreme lengths to catch a woman’s eye and attention of a woman. My expectation socially is that if you want me to engage with you, it starts by approaching me and starting a conversation. Blinded by their false confidence and inflated egos, they do things that are not only embarrassing, but shows their fear of rejection. When you step out and they find you attractive,they will do whatever they can to grab your attention in ways of lights, horns, and super embarrassing and degrading ways. In their most desperate attempts which end up getting a bit uncomfortable. Back then I would be a little freaked out, but now I see what has been a modern day issue that struck the Me2Movement. When l I was conditioned to believe my whole life, men are probably the worst when it comes controlling their emotions. Because when it’s all said and done have been made to fit a standard of society norm that is reinforced by ego. And when scared of losing what they had, in their ego and their lack of confidence will use emotional abuse to maintain dominance in a relationship and in the extreme case result to physical violence. Which when I temporarily stayed at a hotel even on day 4 still had the same men attempt the silly smoke signals, which they engaged in asking ridiculous questions, damaged egos when they realized that I wasn’t signaling to follow me would attempt an insult that I had to ask to repeat twice and he mumbled and had to get closer to him to find out he said are you a man and me saying you couldn’t say that to me in my face, so you like dudes? That in every opportunity they had a chance to tell me face to face, they would pass me by and attempt the same way. And because as emotional as they claim not to be, if they read this post, will say I’m crazy, I’m lonely as all the guys that grouped together in the parking lot assumed and felt shame when I said is this normal to guys? Not even girls talk this much shit about men, attempted to engage in a conversation that had condescending questions in the matching tone cama my response, when a guy expects a girl to come up to him your scared, if you put down a woman your intimidated, if you have the same mentality and have the same opinion your trying to fit in. And since I’m such a stuck up bitch it’s because you expected me to come to you, expected me to be affected by an opinion that doesn’t matter to me for various reasons, and that at the end of the day when you expected me to not confront you after your insecure ass is talking so loud to make sure that I heard your trash talk in your group because you all to scared to say it to my face, why would I even want to engage in a conversation with you when all you had to do is come up to me and talk to me like a regular person. You can call me a slut or a bitch but I’m the slut that you can’t get cause of your fear, you ego, and your inability to handle rejection. Which is why I suggest changing your approach and be more respectful because the woman you talk about is sure of herself, accomplished, and confident, which seems like assuming that I’m crazy is a deflection of your fear of a challenge. If you are going to be respectful and not tell me what I want to hear let’s talk, and if you aren’t, don’t waste my time. Because truth is you haven’t seen crazy yet. Wait until you see a woman go crazy when she doesn’t have feelings for a man, I hear it’s deflection from the many men that fucked her over and pushed her to the breaking point that she made her want to get back at all the men in her life. Hey after the passive aggressive joke they started, I thought they would appreciate that. 🤷🏼♀️. I mean my dad always roll with punches when you roll with guys. Glad I left The Who’s your daddy now joke out. But real talk, can we end gender roles because some women exhibit the same behavior which in the end becomes a never ending cycle of surrendering our true self with an role you gained that still blessed with so much, still feel incomplete.