Believe it or not, I am grateful everyday for another day. Aside from the problems and the things that are not going right, I know that eventually things will change because I’m empowered to change. That things might not go the way I planned, but my as long as I stay consistent, stop making excuses for why things are not happening I’ve done everything I could. Pre pandemic, Uber was the perfect present example. When I started, I found a reason why it was a waste of my time when I first started in Houston. But thanks to someone who took time to mentor me, I learned how to in less time that I invested working between 50-70 hours as in sales your passive aggressively told what the consequences are if you want to keep your job, but made more working the same amount and being willing to take al trips, which in my attempt to pick up rides using the trip planning tool to go to Houston now living in San Antonio, turned what was a moment of reminiscing into a money making opportunity that earned me triple my daily goal as with effort and humbled pride that I put into my customer service skills into a tip opportunity and an opportunity to meet someone who could potentially change my life. Which at first glance seemed to be no one of importance.
I’ve learned that when you try to prove your worth you begin to act sloppy which just shows you have no respect for yourself. You begin to start using the people you know as an attempt to prove your worth. And to one who’s busted their ass to get to where they been and the sake of now guarding the things they earned as the consistency on their success only has shown opportunistic and deceitful people who have no personal interest in their well being, will end up putting you in their place hitting you harder with the things that you don’t have and wish you had, the things that you say you are but don’t do, with the things they earned that won’t have, and in the most extreme using the people they know. In a prideful situation, the person will go to the extreme immediately cause they can. A humble person will warn you. Needless to say the repercussions I’ve seen pack a punch and just having a better understanding of my dark side, understanding triggers, coming to terms with my past, and showing the respect to the homeless crazy lady the same respect I show everyone else, has revealed without saying what happens when someone who is capable of those resources will afford you resources to assure that their journey, which they only were provided will be discredited because knowing themselves, those people who will push them to the edge will stay silent on purpose because other people take it upon themselves to do things and play victim. Because someone who knew better that never was held accountable for the sins they committed that resulted in the consequences that occurred. All in the sake of self preservation. Where no church, no religion can save you, that those who belong in the same organization just enable your bad behavior or prey on those vulnerable individuals. Because in the end, if you still cannot comprehend wrong is wrong and still confuse this to protect the things you been blessed with in the pursuit of needing more to prove your own individual work, the executive decision of what is right won’t redeem you when it comes to your final judgement.
When people ask what I do, not taking Uber seriously since they don’t take it as a serious profession, will always try to win one up. It was brought to my attention yesterday when I was googled, I popped up on a Google search with my book Journey of an Unraveled Road. I disregarded it and said it was probably because of my website. She corrected me and no, it’s your press release. I confused this for being genuinely happy for me, because me wearing shorts not appropriate in her eyes, talked about she had enough respect to not be a whore. I mentioned that writing the book helped me be more receptive of other journeys and more compassionate to people. She made it seem like in my eyes and if she volunteered to validate her rationality on the comment instead of validating herself in what she does, brought a point that made her uneasy, scared, and afraid of me which was I have to give women in the adult industry props. The best case scenario resulted to an amazing woman who saved money and opened a high end adult store in Texas that offered only the luxurious French lingerie and has a private list of clientele with A class celebrities. The way I see it we put up with men. She then which I can’t tell if it was thinking out loud or not replied, we put up with being degraded and disrespected only to be intimidating when we build a life for ourself. Exactly right. She said after all these guys who took advantage of me for free, she build a business from men paying her so they can degrade her and built a business of that. Yup and the most greatest success story of them all, my girl Cardi B, as beautiful as she is and as successful as she’s become, only makes me want to hear her story and have her when I’m being out of line cause o don’t know when to shut up, actually be told to do so transparently. I know my flaws and I know my triggers. My boundaries are stemmed from that. Everyone one deserves a fair chance and a fair second chance as we are only human. People who deem themselves better always have something missing, one thorn is relationships. If you aren’t in a relationship you surround yourself with friends. That’s okay use your crutch, I did to. But there comes a time when you need to determine if those people are holding you back. Not that they intend to, but because it’s change. People will always believe what they want to believe and make decisions without understanding. One demographic people become cruel to is drug addicts. I’ve learned to be empathetic but very direct with them. The reality is we demonize those that take action to the extremes as evil and avoid them as they are dangerous.
People who have chemical dependency are numbing the pain from the sins they committed from the pain they never resolved. I never can get a straight answer but my observation is they only get attention from sympathy and never genuine empathy. We all take our situations for granted. If we can’t be kind as we always do things and tell ourselves I did my good deed for the day or say that’s his fault for letting it happen to him, stop saying that. Yon don’t know since your not willing to take the time because you think your better. Shut the fuck up because your trying to justify your shitty tendencies as lying is a sin. Justify that with the powers to be. You can justify them when you realize and admit to yourself that you weren’t a good person. I was there and when I forgave myself the rest fell into place. As crutches which in this form is chemical dependency comes from wanting to numb pain. Because truth is when you show they matter you see a hope. For me that moment is a beautiful thing. I saw this in real life my first day ridesharing when someone wanted to order food and no one paid no mind, he asked for a cigarette and asked him what he wanted. He said he had money and when i saw it wasn’t enough, made an excuse. I said can we stop waisting time and tell me what you want cause I need to get back to it. Don’t worry, I got you. Once I knew what he wanted I took it upon myself to get him a gift card for 20.00 and a cash tip my last passenger gave me. Got out the car and sat with him on the curb, got two cigarettes, one for me and one for him and said tell me your story. The tears that rolled from his eyes in that moment said all I needed to do. He admitted his faults and said where he went wrong but kept beating himself up. When I shared mine, I told him my situation is no different. I could of been there. We all have crutches but the crutch we use doesn’t make us any different. It’s things we do to get back up. That no matter what anyone thinks because we all are scared little bitches, we will always talk ourselves out of facing our fears by degrading those in that situation. If you can’t adapt, you won’t survive. And emotional crutches if we lose control, can eventually catch up as the things we get can be easily taken by someone else who knows the game better. Do what you can and assure you did what you can. If you need to write it to keep track, do it. It helped me measure my own progress and made me see what I needed to do different.
Today he’s in a way better place since I met him a year ago. We connect very often and to protect himself from those sketchy judgey people his success has gained him, will always bring me into his circle, give warning of the talents I gained on the journey, and tell them why I haven’t met the success they perceive a writer success is as I’m still learning, will always defend me by saying, she told you, I told you. You think you’re better than she is? Hey she’s legit, she’s a saint because I never seen anyone care enough to empathize in a way where she’s kind but doesn’t tell you what you want to hear as she gives what she expects and doesn’t take anything less. Which is true. Even when he feels bad for me because he got success before I did (in a legal legit way let me add for you assuming judgey bitches) knows not to feel sorry for me as I won’t take anything I didn’t earn myself. Because everyone will say I’m stupid in jealousy, I’m being ungrateful in pride, doubtful in gluttony, requesting identities in greed, wanting to seduce me in hopes they will meet him in lust, will make excuses in sloth, will be verbally abusive on jealousy, say that there was a short cut in sloth, and start self sabotaging by attempting to stop my progress in wrath. Because I hate to say this as this is the ugly truth is we live in a society that has conditioned us to use the seven deadly sins. As today in a interaction that someone assumed I needed saying in her attempt of inflicting self doubt pointed out, envy which she repeated your lying to yourself about being happy pointed out the sin that resulted to playing victim which said her gluttony is the reason why you don’t accountability. And in her wrath tried to hurt me in every way you can saying shaming me to kingdom come and why she has validation because of her looks and her credentialing told her, wow this is the first time I ever see a religious person use all the seven deadly sins in an encounter with a stranger. What church do you go to? And when she told me said, I’ll definitely avoid that one, because your emotional outburst shows the environment your religious leaders have in your church, I’ll make sure to avoid that one for sure.
I’m not in the business of getting recognition. I’m in the business of helping people gain true redemption as everyone deserves it. Because without having a fair chance at redemption without judgement, how can we make a difference if those who society doesn’t value, which have the life experience to help heal when they learn their self worth, would make this world true to realism instead of a simulated reality deemed proper by those who in the end have bad intention that never held accountable, have the delusion of absolute power. Which is why when people will insult my grammar and doubt my credentials and it won’t phase me, as since they need validation, leave my blogs authentic as possible and have an editor for my book, who also is also capable of missing certain things as we both wanted to leave my book The Journey of an Unraveled Road which is ready to be unvailed, will reveal why as crazy as I sound, is why the things we don’t have an effect that we are at fault for as purposely triggering people as the now post journey realize is resulted not only from unresolved issue, but thanks to the self righteous, the seven deadly sins. And why perceived with nothing am grateful for the things I come, and why I continue to learn daily and live through example because even with mistakes, I take accountability and why stepping into the next chapter of life is the one I’m uneasy on and unsure I’m ready to face, what comes with popularity, accomplishment, and if it’s meant to be financial gain from this journey. As breaking the chains from a world I never thought I would conquer am stepping into another world that although emotionally aware of what to expect, have no clue. As like you my perception, which this book began as a journal entry that I never thought would be published, can have something that will catch me off guard and possibly back to where I was. It’s not doubt it’s reality. The reality we don’t like to admit we are in.