I needed to take the weekend to reflect and grief which is why there is reason why I haven’t posted in the last four days since my last initial post. One of the things that I have identified as my faults is the need to stay busy in order to not deal with emotional conflict that I personally face in the time of tragedy. It makes me into someone that I don’t like to be, where the insecure cunts of the world, always having something to prove (in this scenario the authenticity of COVID-19) where these idiots who claim to be freedom thinkers, continue to contradict themselves following Trump’s extremist theories, then turn their back on the same leader they once followed showing that the loyalties they have end up becoming an escapade of attempting to prove something to the world that they never ever could prove to themselves or the world around them if their life depended on it. Where the faux compassion they have becomes a manipulation to gain leverage on a vulnerable situation. And where for the first time, I gained a feeling I never felt for someone, which was rage and hate and the desire to see nothing more than watch that person suffer the most painful and excruciating death, hoping it was the same fate that those close and dear to my heart became their demise. That is the virus we currently are in a pandemic in called COVID-19
On Sunday July 26, 2020 I received a message that a close friend who was my confidant and quickly became family passed away from COVID-19 while attempting to gain help before Hurricane Hanna made landfall. That would have been 11 total individuals I have made close ties with pass from the virus. Not because of symptoms itself, but because of inequality. One indivudual who I put in this group was a hardcore Trump supporter that was a total dick to me and made life a living hell during my time in Houston, which his arrogance and his certainty became his demise and swore that his actions were nothing but nature, showed that his demise became the insecurity of female companionship. I bring this individual as the one who inadvertently brought a rage into to me was no other than a social media acquaintance Marion Stanley from Houston, TX always had some way of trying to take small jabs which yesterday was the biggest jab he could take belittling the individuals that I have lost in a vendetta to prove something to himself that just if under normal circumstances would of pissed off someone to the point that he would find a bullet wound due to the condescending way he uses insults, verbal abuse, stereotypical slander, and all the Trump like tactics to try to make an issue go away. I lost hope in that guy which knowing that he found a way to hit a nerve, blocked him so I don’t allow the ignorance and the arrogance get the best of him and have something that he can’t handle. Little does he know, there area many who want to cross his name with a red marker. That’s the thing about ignorance and bliss. We are so conditioned and so comfortable of not having the effects of our cause come bite us in the ass, we think we are invincible. At the end of the day, douche bags like him are not worth it in the end. The greater good, is what it’s all about when it’s all said and done.
One of the hardest things about this pandemic is not that it exist, but like a city like San Antonio, TX we are not emotionally ready to deal with the realness of what a pandemic can bring. Not even for me. Living in Houston, TX I will say that what happened to me in 3 years, took a lifetime to occur in San Antonio, TX. I think it’s because I was on a equal playing field. The perceptions of what the world is becomes a quick fantasy when you live in a city like Houston, TX. Maybe that’s why I loved it so much because it showed me truly how strong and resilient I was. It also revealed what I was capable of accomplishing and how I could “fuck shit up” per say like I always say. Maybe I was born to fuck shit up for the greater good and reveal the things that we all wanted to say but couldn’t say on the small scale. How many of us have seen the cringy injustice and just do nothing about it? It’s not that it makes us bad people. I don’t believe we all choose to be bad people, but it’s the fear of not being able to survive a cruel world we all want to believe is rainbow and gumdrops even though we know it isn’t completely rainbow and gumdrops. We all hope for the best knowing that the worst is just around the corner. We all want to make the difference but are not emotionally ready to do it, and it’s okay. Each person in their own terms has to be ready to face the whole “enchilada” per say (which enchiladas sound good right about now) and be sure that they are ready to face everything that is going to come their way. Which if you read my book and if you haven’t, shame on you, will tell you why I feel that everything that happened to me in 2019 was not by accident, but having me prepared for something more greater than I ever imagined. I don’t know what that is, but I feel that it gets closer and closer each and every day.
One of the hardest things to face in this pandemic is the notion that it’s hitting closer to home. My hometown has always heard about things that happened outside our city but never really had to face this in real time. Even when the Spanish Flu occurred, the odds of this hitting here were slim to none due to the fact that this was something that happened in bigger cities and lets be honest back then, who would want to visit or live in San Antonio to begin with. As it becomes more and more identifiable on the map, we are slowly but surely starting to see the dangers we never use to see. Maybe they were already there but we just refused to see them for ourselves. To make matters worst after hearing the news, one of my childhood friends ended up getting COVID-19 which her mom ended up getting prior at a family event from what it seems. The social distancing and the quarantine that the CDC and the government suggest is not a realistic notion as many of us in San Antonio live in a 3 to 4 bedroom home and have generations of family members living in that same roof. One of the unfair instances is that many of us even though we don’t want to admit it fall in the “poor” tax bracket that denies us the equality to healthcare and to fair recovery. The notion is once your sick, you are unworthy to work and must apply for benefits. Those who are above the tax bracket tend to deny those family members away to avoid problems so they can continue to survive. But the one thing that people underestimate, especially in my deemed “low income” community, the “westside of San Antonio” is our fighting spirit. We refuse to give up as my friend has shown to fight even at the worst case scenario where things looked grim. Look at me for instance. When my ex-employer tried to play me out to be a stereotype, this stereotype rose us and wrote a damn book talking about the unfairness that I went through that became a deflection of unfairness along the way, systematic racism. Which in hindsight to conquer this racism starts from the inside, knowing yourself and being comfortable with yourself. Where the lies we are told to make us selfish must remain selfless and always be aware of where we come from. How else are we going to stand up against this unless we know ourselves.
“As I write this blog, of course emotional, I fear the day it creeps up on me. With the odds against me, COVID-19 may be the one thing that will stop me from making a difference and meeting destiny.”Frieda Lopez
R.N is what I will reference her as is one of the most amazing individuals I know. She not only bought my book but gave me feedback on how proud she was in being friends with me as the book came from a place of pride, where never forgetting where I came from, spoke up for my community and stood strong against the injustice that happens within it regardless of personal feelings. Since junior high, her signature laugh is something that I always remember about her. She never was passive aggressive, she was straight up, and always cared about the best interest of everyone involved. She helped me become a better person. She helped me become a standup woman who regardless of what I went through helped mold me into the honest woman I am today. One thing that we don’t realize is that we all affect one another in so many ways. She never was biased and she always inclusive and un-judgemental. She helped me be that person. She helped me see the good in people and always helped me become a better person even in the darkest times during high school. There is so much that I hope I get to tell her and so much I want to tell her, most importantly thank you for always being a a true and genuine friend. The thing about COVID-19 that we take for granted in ignorance is that we think we have all the time in the world with these people. That as everyday passes, we will make time the next day and the next day. The realness about this is that we don’t have tomorrow. We may only have a few hours. As I write this blog, of course emotional, I fear the day it creeps up on me. With the odds against me, COVID-19 may be the one thing that will stop me from making a difference and meeting destiny. But God only knows what’s in store. Which is why we all must live each day like it was our last. And “fuck shit up” for the good no matter how small it is.