The Hate Needed To Love Me – Resentment Needed To Carry On

This is the first blog that doesn’t follow a graphic title image as this is hard to pinpoint the perfect one that fits this specific blog. However the lyric to Selena Gomez’s “Lose You to Love Me” is the perfect way to start this blog, as one of the things we always are told to never do as this is the worst thing that determines bad character is to hold hate for someone. But the truth is those same people hold one thing that they don’t acknowledge or admit to. That they may not hold hate but they hold one thing that they don’t admit. Is that they hold resentment. Which to each is own if want to not admit that action. I am not here to judge or be anyone’s hero. But one thing that I realize is that resentment is what held me back from achieving the person that I was meant to be. Because one thing that I realized was that the compassion helped me gain something that with the absence of forgiveness, resentment still becomes those who say never hate. That in order to heal my wounded heart in the ruins of my Pompeii, where those who played a part of burning it down, hate is the emotion that I needed with the presence of forgiveness. Loss that fueled the hate is the emotion I needed to gain to love me.

One of the things that everyone neglected to do when they neglected to do to check on me when their I want to say good intention to check on me to see how things were going is “how was I emotionally doing during the wake of trauma” where many already knowingly knew what was happening just check to see if they were part of the list of many being thrown under the bus. Many of them that “knew better did nothing to stop it” and many who were scared to stand up to the wrong doing didn’t take the time that they always made the excuse weren’t allowed to at least take the time to help me mourn the things that happened as the reality is “a part of me literally died” as the hope in the things I had was temporarily gone as the one’s I gave my trust to willingly and vulnerably were too afraid to do even give me something I needed at the time. Comfort to continue fighting, which those hindered by trauma with a fighting spirit only need to keep on fighting. Where the “could of” “should of” “would of” becomes the vengeful swan songs that those “who knew better” ended up getting thrown in their face that degrades their character in which to that person and the absence of even doing something that helped gain courage become the things they take personal and begin to resent as “the what if” that they stay trapped in was the ticket they needed to get the justice they felt they lost.

Music has been like I have said before, a escape from the ugly that we live in this daily burning world. Music has always had the power to gain the leverage needed to scratch and claw our way out of adversity. It’s magical in a sense if you think about it as it has the power to make you laugh, cry, or say “fuck this shit” mid verse of a song. Which is why I use it when creating, whether it be writing, painting, designing, or whatever it is I am doing to concoct the makings that is my victory. Many of us to the same. Which one of the things that I encourage for everyone to do is to make a playlist of the journey traveled thus far, and make one after the reflection you realize. Where the playlist, that you collect throughout the reflections and the victories changes each time, some having the same songs and when you beat adversity, the repeats that give you the pride to continue battling the odds that are against you as the odds are not created equally for each and every individual. Where my mother in another life “Strong Enough” started off as a breakup song back in 2001 and became the swan song for those believing the perception they still have of me becomes the “So you feel misunderstood” lyric that becomes truth in my journey where I literally wrote a published book that slowly but surely and with God’s will becomes that I content with being in the top 100’s in the category of “women’s literature” “Self help” and a newly made category with the COVID era “traumatic self help” where trauma to the human brain is any event that disturbs the regular living one is use to living.

The “Come hell or water high” lyric became the realization that is the limitless power that I gained. The truth behind that is that guess what “bitches” I am still standing and fighting harder than I ever imagined I would. I am not looking for sympathy or “aww poor baby” from the people around me. I am not looking for praise. Simply like like Macklemore says in Glorious “get out my wake, I’m running late” which remix of the song “Can’t Hold Us” by the same artist; as if you don’t have anything useful to contribute get out the way so I can try to to pave the wave to prove that regardless of where your at, the origin of our beginnings is the “ceiling that can’t hold us” to make your journey that the”slow ride” that you are on is the one you can “take easy” as Foghat from 1971’s rock song classic sings about.

One of the things that was hard to identify in this journey that racism of ethnic background is something that still happens. One of the things that we tend to miss is that this is still something that is meant to be an action of the past as the “border wall” situation by a misguided perception that some of us were lucky enough to dodge. Unfortunately for me, this was not the case as Houston has shown some situations that “Mama P” a previous Black Panthern and Ricky Blaze a alumni in my MBA venture had to point out to me that I didn’t want to truly admit while being in Houston. One of the things that was hard to also admit that maybe the injustice that has occurred was all the makings of my biological making

Beyonce’s “If I were a Boy” was one of the songs that showed the truth behind a double standard. Where truth is a reality that we as women have faced. Ironically enough when the tables get turned, men feel violated by their right which by those who don’t hold precedence attempt to shame the women in the act, turn them into the victims which is partially why I think too many men depend on their looks as they now willingly want a Sugar Mama and wear the Princess Crowns we were made to wear as little girls.

In the double negative to that there have been many women who also give us women a bad name. In many situations during my time being a Uber driver that I have had to intervene and in the shame that is used going against sisterhood, was made the villain, which truth is one thing that I will always intervene in is the act that is taking advantage of a vulnerable situation. Where sometimes you can’t help but to walk away as in a traumatic situation as many of those men face, too prideful to admit were victim, attempt to use the situation to take advantage of someone in a more vulnerable situation that is the compassion they gain. Which walking away becomes the most heartbreaking in this journey. Where compassion knowing where the intention was and sure of one’s intention becomes the misperception through blinded pride.

The victory that is adversity from those who you don’t invest your time is the swan song that is resilience. But at the same time what about those you invested in. After time heals pain, one thing that isn’t permanent is the heartbreak of those who choose to be left behind. As always life has a way to show that the decision you made is the best one you made as when you allow yourself to fully heal, is an unrepeated mistake you avoid doing once again.

One of the most emotional songs that is my journey is Lady’s Gaga’s “I’ll Never Love Again” which reminds me of my first tragic loss in love, the love of my fallen solider Juan Carlos” which was the remedy of the mistake that was leaving love from Eric John a guy a broke his heart in foolish pride. My first puppy love which I have amazing memories with, as he loved me as young as I was, the woman I was going to become as nothing could intimidate him when it came to me. The one mistake that I made for him became the replay of mistakes that leaded to a domestic violent situation that hindered my better judgment. Juan Carlos lost after the wake of 911 ended up passing during a retaliatory bombing that went wrong by enemy forces in 2002, which led me to just not feel the lost convincing myself that “it would of probably never worked out anyway” became the truth that for the longest I believed after the tragedy of my latest breakup with my ex fiancĂ© where there was no turning back as this person, the narcism due to the things he couldn’t personally come to terms with, was the mistreatment that came from the actions that put me in bad situations. Which I don’t blame him, as a matter of fact I thank him. Because looking back to the loss of the truest love that was Eric John and Juan Carlos and even my abusive husband Frank through the pride he had which in hindsight I saw the good he was capable of that stemmed from systematics and the unfairness he always saw that I never could see at the time was even though not excusable of making excuses for, maybe would of had a chance of heart if people that premeditated the person he was, a fighting chance to gain redemption. Which emotional as it is to write and listen to this same song, is the truth that I is half truth. Knowing that I will one day I will love again but truth is won’t be a stranger. As the person that I fall in love with is the one that will know me as I know him or her. As the truth is we will both work to gain each other’s trust in the end.

One of the thing s that Rihanna says which is one thing that keeps us from being truthful ultimately to ourselves is that “it’s embarrassing” to fall in love with the wrong person that causes us so much harm. Which is the snowball effect of the things we make mistakes on also “embarrassing” when things we don’t admit to either as it shows a sign of “lack of self control.” The “played like a violin” is the thing that ironically we continue to happen when we make the “embarrassing” perception our kryptonite. As mistakes that we make should be a lesson we improve on and not something enabled that others with bad intentions play on.

I remember as a kid, Gloria Estefan was the diva that I loved the most as she was Latina like me. Behind the Music was one of the many things that I always looked on for hope as a kid as the original plan was to be a performer like the many greats such as Madonna, Cher, Gloria Estefan, Selena, Cristina Aguilera, and Britney Spears, and Janet Jackson. The karaoke machine that I was gifted as a kid was the hope that my paternal family was the hope for me to get out of the unfairness they knew that was to come. Seeing that I had talent both by maternal and paternal family was the talent that my paternal abuela had my mom, which I will always love no matter how much hurts me is the reason why my resilience and my confidence regardless of what was told was the reason why I was going to shine and make a difference. Well unfortunately that didn’t last but was proven that the talent that the world denied was confirmed when I made it to the final round of auditions on American Idol. Although not featured due to conflict of interest due to the book had one producer say I had a bigger task at hand. That it’s something that I should continue to dabble in may serve a bigger purpose as the book has a powerful message like my publisher and adopted mom has said time and time again that I couldn’t see at the time. That the swan song that arose from getting the first author copy of “Journey of an Unraveled Road” physically felt in my hands made me break down in tears of happiness, of sadness, of mourning, and of victory. That the story that was included wasn’t only mine. But the heart, the hope, and the dreams that lived on in my San Antonio Westside community. That with God’s will of reaching higher to make a difference. The gain from this whole journey was that I tried my very best and coincidently put my spirit to the test. Where the big picture, give the ability to break free with the same persistency and fight that I kept in the mist of hopelessness.