Many can argue the day to day actions that people engage in during the COVID-19 era. Many who focus on those in public who neglect force to survive also at the same time inconsiderately don’t think about the reason why they are out trying to survive. Last night was in a very long time that I saw the beauty in the way night has changed from being more alive that it ever has been in my local community. Many not wearing masks, which based on their expressions and their looks by the defeat life has already being the hope that maybe life will end in the mist of the virus. Others who have hope of life, engaging in recreational activity, shopping at the limited 24/7 locations that the city offers, washing clothes, and doing the things in safety around not only the judgement of those who think they know better but the numbers that are the majority. As one thing that I have noticed is the beauty that is the fight to see another day.

“The put down and doubts all stopped me from doing the things that could make the biggest different in somebody’s life. Help them see the value and power that one’s true self if capable of. The limitless power they possess that just might make a difference not only to the world around them. A difference that the entire world would need in these hopeless times.”

Frieda Lopez

Being the night owl that I have always been, I have always felt that I was more creative at night. Always working on art and other artistic forms of expression as this was the me time I needed from the everyday world to gather my thoughts, rationalize my thinking, and just let go of the pain that I held on to by the defeat thrown in my face by the real world. If it didn’t come by my social groups, it came from my confidants. If not from my confidants, it came from my family. If it didn’t come from my family. It came from me, which in hindsight before the creative outlets; I became my own worst enemy. This in turn if you knew me a few years back and you really had my back would notice one things different from the version of me )which still authentic in every way) that the put down and doubts all stopped me from doing the things that could make the biggest different in somebody’s life. Help them see the value and power that one’s true self if capable of. The limitless power they possess that just might make a difference not only to the world around them. A difference that the entire world would need in these hopeless times.

I would be lying to you if I told you I had all the answers. To eliminate the assumption of that fact I will be the first to admit, I don’t know it all. I have had many moments in my life, alone and with no emotional support as the “you did this to yourself “rears it’s ugly head” part of it being the inability to see the bigger picture that you yourself have been wide eyed to see. There were many nights helpless and out of hope that I spent countless nights scared and alone crying to sleep wishing that things were better. Going into the real world and acting like everything was okay was the kryptonite that kept me from healing because the same things others perceived gave me a false sense of absolution. Where those going through the same thing content with the things they are fearful of pursuing also kept them trap in a hopeless situation that this is the only way, was the only motive to still secretly attempt to push for something that was fair. The irony is that in those situations, we all whether it be man or woman have an oppressor telling us why we can never amount to anythings. One of the most greatest gifts, which is being receptive to the feedback of others with experience is my saving grace. Those who absolutely gave a shit about me although as negative as it seemed, always in strides of kindness revealed to me how it really was. Those oppressed by the negativity of the failures they had in their pursuit to happiness and fairness ended up still being hurtful in many ways, once the ash finally settles tell us why what seemed like a cruel approach was the way they went about things. It’s not that they didn’t believe in us. It’s because of the reality they experienced was a means in the end to try to protect us from the doom we were about to face. Where their hope left them in a spot that they the bed that they lay is the bed they lie in. Which empathy and compassion is crucial. In the end in our mentality when we think we are sure, puts us in a spot where the absolution becomes the doubt we now gained.

One of the most humbling moments in a “Journey Unraveled” is re-encountering those who once made life a living hell for you and in their false perception of who you became is the rationality that makes them see the truth, that adversity sometimes makes people better than who they once saw. One of these accounts is an Uber ride I received yesterday, where someone who had a personal vendetta where they admitted was an attempt to make me doubt the things they were intimidated by that ended in an embrace to both parties, an emotional one that one needing hope that was lost restored and the person who they saw could potentially be the person to restore it. One of the names I took back on my return back from Houston was the name to insult which is “Harvard from the Hood” where my Twitter account and my Instagram account embrace proudly. That in motive that yesterday’s writer said “pinche Harvard” was a way to insult as it was a reminder that people like us never gain entrance to Harvard, as people in our school still knowingly don’t get accepted to Harvard. And if they do,

“So you feel misunderstood. Baby, have I got news for you. On being used, I could write the book. But you don’t wanna hear about it.”

Cher – Strong Enough

never complete an education from Harvard due to financial hindrance. The truth is that Harvard until systematic racism didn’t recognize that the standards they have were a premise of why the belittling that is personal perceived value is a social epidemic. Hypothetically, if anyone was accepted into Harvard from the Westside community had two different demises:

  1. They neglect the origin that is there identity due to perception.
  2. The origin of their identity neglected the person due to perception

Which in turn is the reason why perception of perceived value is the worst thing ever presented to human nature.

The take away from the interaction was this. The perception that is typical from someone who rises from the ashes, the Phoenix I reference in the “Journey of an Unraveled Road” which also is the logo for (aztec version to represent my Latin pride) is the making for a arrogant perceptions from where they came from. Falling into the trap that “you did this to yourself” comes from. But in retrospective, it truly neglects the realism in the unfairness of systematic racism, a cause I fight against ignorantly in my book. That it’s sometimes not the things that “we do to ourselves” it’s the perception that those arrogant to identify is the basis of our roots, our origin story. Which the emotional embrace came from a place where the forgiveness they felt they didn’t deserve was the reason why the things I stand for is the reason why I believe that everyone deserves redemption. Human nature is flawed and made to survive. Mistakes in the greater good doesn’t come from perfection, it comes from trial and error. And as long as we make the legitimate effort, we all deserve to get the fair chance and not be crucified on the cross for a human mistake we have the capability of improving.

There are many things I voluntarily gave up on and many things I involuntarily gave up on. That was my life in Houston. The things that were unjustifiably taken away from me was the result of systematic racism. Which I even to till today was unable to admit. That the origin root of where I came from, proud to be a Westside residence of San Antonio made me ghetto. Where the questioning of the things that were done over my head were made to be of paranoia and pointing out the wrong doing that made me upset were the result to being an over emotional woman. That when wronged regardless of what measures I took to prevent it was the lack of responsibility which is typical from the ghetto where we all just want the easy way out. Where the only leverage that gained my unemployment that initially was denied because of the justification that the I purposely failed to report to work knowingly was the request of needing documentation from a workers comp accident Sprint management neglected to tell me to report, was the reason why the discrimination that led to sexual harrassment that had men notice small things that even with a belt made an excuse to use as leverage to be inappropriately dressed which followed normal business dress standards that they refused to adapt. That in the end the conference call that had my boss at the time same “Frieda I swear to God if you don’t stop retaliating i will make sure that the only thing your able to do is shake your ass and give head for a living” is the same recording that keeps me pushing to fight harder everyday. That the sexual

assault that occurred which video of when it happened was forwarded by a employee and witness having the knock the manger engaged in had a recording of the door being forced opened and immediately slamming. And that the same witness asking if everything was okay in the mist of shock not realizing that a breast exposed and my survival face of rage had me not responding and looking for a way out where following a few minutes later had my boss with a wounded pride and a beaten face was something more than it really was made out to be. Because maybe the incident was the making of wounded pride, maybe a misperception. But because the things we don’t think can happen, happens is more reason why I fight harder. That the settlement that could of made life much more easier was a higher price to pay when my new litigation representation was sure we would win after those originally hired to fight my case ended up saying they wouldn’t litigate. And that the money lost by a sister firm made to fight my mold case ended up chariging me 900.00 not refunding my money by them or by Fidelity as the fraud claim was denied all a circumstance of one thing. Systematic racism as sex, race, and origin is ultimately the reason why my motives were in the wrong place having me if I wasn’t strong enough would have been made me cope with the traumatic events on my own. That if it wasn’t for the previous adversity I gained I would be too proud to admit that this shit really happened. That now strong enough to live without these things, that makes status is the only reason why I am still fighting. Harder and with vengeance. Because the things that happened to me, can happen to anyone belittled and underestimated. And that in the end when the chips are down, my storytelling is the survival guide one needs to keep surviving. Still learning and in some cases throwing tequila, vodka, and sometimes both. Like those who in turmoil need the guidance to gain justice, still have the compassion by one who earned her stripes in a injustice called systematic racism. Which not much value in my family lineage became content by a resentment that still hasn’t gained justice. And that when first coming out of my mom’s womb was said “the pendejita’s born” proved that the pendejita isn’t as pendeja as people assumed she was.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda López is the writer for Journey of an Unraveled Road who was born and raised in San Antonio, TX. Through her professional career in Customer Relations and Retail Management, she has utilized her experience and interactions with the behavioral patterns, which was used to start her personal journey with Journey of A Unraveled Road as her debut novel. She has completed philosophy, psychology, and theology courses at San Antonio College as well as creative writing courses. Frieda López has been a lifelong writer since 2nd grade. A survivor of childhood trauma, childhood abuse, and domestic violence, she wrote this piece, which started this book as her personal journey; works from home in San Antonio, TX.

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