When it comes to emotional trauma and traumatic pain, healing from the lost as the innocence in our perception we had is a dead reality. Understanding as truth, which is only meant to be temporary must be grieved as the innocence we held died with it. It must also be celebrated as once healed like those left behind and those fallen all came from that place, where now reborn became comfortable with yourself as it’s a memory that you no longer rely on as the comfort for yourself was born from the ashes of your Pompeii.Frieda Lopez – The Journey of Others on An Unraveled Road
I said in writing my book that I will hold myself accountable for is being 100% transparent moving forward with the book. With that said I will admit that coming the realization that the thing I stood against was naive perception of attempting to gain an equal chance as the one thing two things that seemed to be a wedge between an equal opportunity and this ridiculous deflection of perceived value was to eliminate the hurdle that those who make a mistake should not be crucified on the cross and gain a fair chance of redemption if they put effort into attaining that. The second thing was the naive perception of value as being comfortable with one’s self is the armor you acquire that deflects those attempted attacks that in a humbled and compassionate persona with enlightenment brings empathy as you realize that the pain you carry is a universal pain that with a ripple of individualized compassion would make things 100% better, but would be a start. Realizing that the deflection and the act in self preservation on the persona we create in order to fit in is actually systematic racism had me in my scientific hypothesis mind set made me really contemplate the thought “why am I even doing this” where conversations that lead to the book talked about the voice I found when it came to writing, as it’s the same voice I have in the real world as being authentic is 100% being the person I perceive in my text and the real world. And when what do you write about stems from a basic self help concept that after completing the book was basic techniques used by therapist that help resolve not only self conflict, self resentment, but self guilt, but leaves room for continued growth and compassion that will make those fearful the femme or homme fatale they were always meant to be. Then passive aggressively the systematic racism came out. Asking credentialing, backstory origin, and some ignorant and thoughtless comments, which I am starting to also think that conditioned narcissism is the start of either sociopathic narcissism or on the continued attempt to shoot for the stars in a world we are already made to fail with , settle for the things they gained in their failure to shoot for the stars since “being thankful for the life you have” becomes the slogan of social norms and settling is “the personal choice” we made for ourselves is the ugly truth that we don’t share that holds our secrets of vulnerability, fear, and resentment we truly hold as showing otherwise would be against social norms. As being gracious, being optimistic (in the narcissistic sense) as focusing on your come up (capitalism) is what you need to do to gain happy, and just for heaven sakes being angry at the situation and having human feelings makes you look like a hot mess, has those people who truly unhappy and miserable contradicting themselves
“when your emotional outburst has them saying “don’t take your problems out on me” and “nobody should have the power to control your emotions”
the unfairness and the belittling, turns the tables saying that “your playing the victim”. And when the crazy to think their is hope for people in her emotional outburst, just says fuck it to “compassion” and becomes the mirror on the wall telling them not only about the truth behind the deflection, the truth behind the insults, the truth about the narcissism, the truth about the systematic racism, the truth how their survival instinct as COVID being the determined factor that in their reckless behavior where wearing a mask is a basic bitch move that “comforist” convinced themselves they were rebels, the ugly truth that the codependency in interaction is a sign of insecurity and weakness, not only the ugly truth about the trauma stemmed from the defensive behavior and how truly a conformist they were as conformist are the only ones who need to be around similar like people to circle jerk and fluff each others truly fragile ego, that the lies they were told are the reason why they underestimated me in their thoughtlessness and naive
“I really am comfortable with myself, but that there irresponsiblity and their pride acting like money isn’t a issue in their “Keeping up with the Kardashian when they should be keeping up with their bills” as those who are their friends “played them”because the truth was that the purpose they served was to be used, the same way they thought they could use me but failed“Frieda Lopez – Bittersweet Symphony of Hope – THe Underterminable Variable That Is People
perception that I really am comfortable with myself, but that there irresponsiblity and their pride acting like money isn’t a issue in their “Keeping up with the Kardashian when they should be keeping up with their bills” as those who are their friends “played them”because the truth was that the purpose they served was to be used, the same way they thought they could use me but failed to as this broke pathetic bitch just gave them a taste of their own medicine,, and that because the shallow and ignorant attempt in underestimating my intelligence is really their flaw. Because in the attempt to try to degrade me and make me bend the knee, will have them lying about this covering up and peaking the interest of someone worst than me. The one that will not only lie to them tell them what they hear and give them what they want, but become someone’s physical resource as the perceived value will have those endanger themselves and the families. Because as long as it benefits them and doesn’t affect them personally and continues to benefit, has them being lower than scum as you intentionally endangered the life of someone else innocent making more shitty people that will hate you for it and leave you alone forever. Because truth is why should I have hope for humanity? Telling that one person that is the reason why humanity is a lost cost. That they are too chicken shit to face reality because they are worthless and that maybe the only thing I was made to do in this pitiful journey as they deem, to show your bitch ass who really is a Basic Betty because you all do the same things, at the same time, in the same way. Because they are the generic brand of what that person perceived. Which after seeing them cry and attempted to comfort them, made me just laugh after they tried to use that action as leverage to “checkmate: my ass. As the victimizing turned into a sexual proposition which in the final emotional outburst said “I’m getting sleepy” and said “I’ve been trying to go since earlier, but you want to be acting like a girl with daddy issues so since I actually give a shit I stayed. Now that I know what your about, you don’t even deserve my time and sympathy,” As my positive attitude was made to be chemically induced, snorted the last line of cocaine to crutch up the wounded pride. Which underneath that deflection was a scared man who fearful of being sexually assaulted by a group of women with a inferiority complex which from the moment I picked him up to the time I dropped him off, had the same look I had and for a brief moment before he attempted a failed attempted to “get revenge” on the women that did him wrong which he admitted, could of gave him the help that he truly needed and not the one he wanted. Because real talk, this is how the world works especially now in the mist of COVID. Making us in our narcissistic way gain a Stockholm syndrome with ourselves.
One of the things I gained in this journey is the ability to rationalize and see things for what they are. One of the things I realized in the road I was traveling, the things I had to control and the mistakes I made along the way. The main mistake that could of save me grief is the “bling faith” that I had on others. This is what set me up for many dissapeointng and lonely moments of despair. Those who went above and beyond always gave me comfort and hope that good people existed regardless of the beautiful disasters the world sees us as. It was those beautiful distastes that to this very day remain my ride and dies. Living in Houston I was made to tend to myself and become completely independent as the big city of Texas ended up having you get what you need and never what you want as in the fast lane living, time never stopped for nobody. In San Antonio, moving back and seeing the differences, we bet our blind fate in time and the people we invest it in. And when your a minnow in a pond the perceptions that you gained from television series like “Sex and the City” I was hit with a totally and unexpected perception so unexpected
The Houston, TX living perception had me pondering the potential if all else fails I would live in what I referred as the NYC of Texas and be a real life Carrie Bradshaw. Which thanks to interference with divine intervention, the Universe was kinder as being a writer a published author starts out a labor of love.
Which in these theories and unexpected rationality which my close friends probably reading this are like “who the fuck are you and how did you get so much sense” has me asking the same thing these days. In the end, in the matter of what the hell am I doing this for. Worst case if humanity is the “peripheral hell in a hand basket clique” I am doing it for myself and any future generations that may follow me, if this person I am meant to be with would stop being a pussy and get it together and get comfortable with himself, and the generations that proceed as family whether it be non related and related in the unintentional selfish act as it was an attempt to a selfless one, has a family standard, legacy, morale, and reputation that would follow the Lopez-Campos-Rodriguez-(add my permanent mistake and all those who earned their stripes into the family as I did in theirs) through consistency, perseverance, and beating the odds of systematic racism. As the pioneer who attempted to contain it in a world on fire with voluntary shackles from those seeking social normality, becomes a creed that whatever way those successors go, is the family morale where in this family “we don’t make things right by wronging the wrongs.” In this family as stealthy as we have become become the stereotype that already assumed by those who undermined us, gain compassion as the pain they have is similar to the ones we earned and with respect and class “fuck shit up” as vulgar as we are know better than to take advantage of vulnerable situation as not being able to see the truth and never give in to nothing other than the things we earned. With the full understanding as bittersweet human nature is never mettle with free will, personal choice, and the ability for redemption as long as it is consistently worked towards. And when it comes to lose of love and the disappointments that come with, grief the loss, heal and become born a new us gaining a higher expectation that we also give. That the truth is that some of things we do will be determined variable and others undeterminable, but like people, love, and the happiness it was made as a learning experience. No matter how hard you fight to show you deserve, like you and I, we were born to die.