If I can be transparent without judgment (well judgement wouldn’t matter since this would now be a contradiction based on the place that I am that peoples tear down) is that at the age of 3 years old I already lost hope when my innocence was taken away. My whole life, I was told that there was two sides to every story. With that said one thing I was always told that you will one day have to choose a side because one side is always right. Eliminating my personal perception, I beg to think otherwise. Seeing things for who they are has shown that in the majority of the cases, both sides were wrong. Being able to see the bigger pictures my whole life before my journey which landed a published book unplanned, I was always after the bigger picture that involved one factor, a selfish without being selfish intent that once backed up with financial resources, I was able to make things right for the world. Being able to identify by two sides both the light and the dark, identifying both having a selfish and selfless motive as they both are both biased on biased perceptions, I realize that I not only have the same problem but that everyone that has put me in a position that was compromising to my overall wellbeing but not affecting them which there perception has them feeling that they will never be affected, always bites them in the ass in the end. And before, when I use to take things as a personal attack which typically was made the example to others they attempted to attack as be being emotional always perceived me as the weakest link, always got the rebuttal of buying more time to make things right which never is the case. Call it karma, call it destiny, call it whatever you want to call it, see the results that have them having to start all over filled burnt bridges that in their selfish perception, has left them in a situation that not able to stand alone, leaves them with no way to come up. And those who don’t lose everything and get a head start in their eyes, only leave them settling for something they are not even happy with. Because the lies we tell ourselves when we battle ourselves is that we are grateful for the life we have, but truth is no regardless of the feeling you blocked, subconsciously makes you feel like you could of done better. The only reason why you feel this way is because your one true self was shut down for the safe side that had you hindered by the ones who had you walk it.
So back to the being hopeless at age 3 years old. the truth is, the hope that I lost. The factoring thing that kept me fighting I suppose was the hope that I had for people. And when that failed me the hope that I had for me, became the hope that I had within myself. Aways the kid who wanted to make things better for everyone in high school was what aspirated me from others. I share a dark story in the book that I almost did that would of ruined my life due to those who belittled me and bullied me, which were the adultts that engaged in the activity then. It was the hope lost that those who lost that within themselves (the lowlifes) that identified that the hope for change they had would be the change that maybe had the power to make. In these days, it honestly seems like a lost cause. But why conform to make a better life for myself? hell, I am way too deep now. Besides I want to see what happens amid the current external conflitcts that I have been fighting with since this whole book journey that has nothing to do with the people in it. One thing I see that both selfless and selfish to the point of mass destruction is two entities, human nature and mother nature. As the things that unfolded to this path is a illness that I never even bring up that misdiagnosed as this general health condition that the population has which is autoimmune deficiency which those who say I don’t have common mild forms of it like food allergies, seasonal allergies, and migraines to severe cases which self induced iike sexually transmitted diseases that in our inability to respect our boundaries for the sake of gaining acceptance which and severe skin conditions and cancer, all result to the fact that inner sake for surviving and turning a blind eye when it doesn’t affect us in a inferiority complex as COVID has, it’s mother nature who in her resentful rage makes things that start as a minor threat turn into a human threat. As with the situation that if my employer would have stopped to smell the roses and saw that the random hospitalizations and the things that led to the group of people that caused injustice all started with a situation that a vindictive ex with a selfish intention did when he offered to help saying that he was helping cause he wanted to when he helped get an apartment after the fact that I was in the position since to show that I loved him had me give up the one I was about to move into. That the illness I have which is a daily battle of pain, discomfort, and days that sometimes I ask myself, what’s the point of all this? Having me, smile big regardless of the pain and hustle harder regardless of what I am feeling ultimately in the end might be the demise of me. Because again thrown into the world that already has lost hope, has them waiting me to conform in the sake of making them not look bad. That toxic mold syndrome and all the symptoms I have gained and all the specialist I have been to, has my world disregarding the info and the doctors I have been, having them do the same thing, the same way, assuming that this time it’s because the real fact is that instead of shutting up and listening, the symptoms I am getting are induced due to the unhappiness they thing that I have. Where telling them why the missed appointments is because of the book journey and having fatigue from busting my ass through Uber, turns into what my employer did when they were wrong out of pride. Neglect the person they underestimated so they don’t take accountability for the things they were responsible for. And due to this exact form of retaliatory action made to fulfill a selfish need, makes those who seen and know are honest, turned into dishonest and guilty of being part of the problem. Because turning a blind eye through perception made you stereotype the person after the plea for help despite of the things they fear of losing to maintain a regular life become more severe which calling it for what it is, your to blame.
The start of the journey, had my family pushing for me to move back home, calling me stubborn as we didn’t know the apartment had mold which yellow mold which were visibly identifiable and black mold, which was found in the air conditioning system that would just spread the air went on, which the units that shared the same system and vents just spread through the entire complex. My grandmother found me one day when I was meant to pick her up but had not answer the phone from that morning to the time she arrived, on the floor unconscious and not breathing. When I woke up in the hospital she asked what happened which I told her that I remember getting ready for work and that was it began health symptoms that began to escalate. My grandmother knows me pretty damn well so the only thing that she started getting conflicted with was the things she was told were the problems by others who had no business saying. It almost caused a wedge between us, because she was convinced that I was on hard core drugs. I mean for me adderall, which I was prescribed was hard core enough as it took us 4 different times to get the right dosage that didn’t make me feel so jacked up. Work didn’t care since I was productive, until Basic Bitch Betty’s envy took place. Which her accusations of fraud that I was committing turned out was not found from any translation I processed as any on these transactions would always have notes, especially when I had a rep process the transaction to get credit for it if they put work to get the sale which would have a note saying why the rep processed the sale and the steps taken. But the reps she told to process sales got all thrown under the bus which when I was told when she was trying to take over my district the questions to the rep “Why didn’t you get me involved” which would in turn in some of those interactions would belittle my position and say I didn’t have authority. Which those who wanted to be heard and become something influential now resent me due to all the chances I gave to do the right thing, never was taken. And when you resent someone, you can always manipulate the truth and how the events take place. But then again, by doing that you become the problem. The ugly truth to that by underestimating someone you really just underestimate yourself. By underrating yourself you neglect the tuings your capable of doing, you substitute that exact feeling with a unrealistic pride in ability that can occur tow different ways; embarrassment to your own self and in a catastrophic result endanger the wellbeing of others.
We as society have made life a game of chess. Everyone feels like they have something to prove even when they say “what are you trying to prove” which is the deflection of those who underestimated the way you go about things. Those who always would say that I feel in their reactions took it as t was trying to under mind them as a person. Which in a ability to identify facts through others perceptions gets me excited and give them props. Today, after my a little heated debate on the things my family assumed, I said one thing “stop deflecting things you have no business deflecting as you don’t know the things I do to safeguards everyone’s best interest. in your ignorance” as my grandmother not admitting she was a little paranoid that the doctor recommended to get a COVID screening due to the growing number of cases, had my dad demonize me in saying I had COVID when the symptoms I currently struggle with are not even COVID associated. He also didn’t remember in his judgey mentality that I assure each week to get tested since I got it in April. Truth is I care about myself enough to make sure I stay healthy as the first go around I almost didn’t make it. Which is why I go harder than I did. With the diagnosed “autoimmune deficiency already had me taking double precautions to buy myself more time truthfully. Because giving my opinion has me walking away from people because I am not here to say “checkmate” as their are bigger things to worry about that satisfy my pride and someone else’s. But when destiny says someone needs help I can’t help to truly turn away. And if they want me in their life, not push to attempt to have them do things my way, but assure I don’t fall into the traps that will make me conform. Where metaphysically inclined (which I am still debating regardless of the theories of other psychologist) has a nack for tarot card reading. Which against my Catholic background dabbled with it when asked. And trying to prove to himself that the tings that I said which made him break down into tears and begin reflecting, had him have me do this for others that crossed my path, having each one be either emotional and healing or resentful and self destructive. Where not trying to gain any popularity or any approval start noticing the signs around me which like everyone else undermined due to my false inferiority. Where in one case, someone on a ride was battling with a guilt I couldn’t even know, was the guilt of not being there for this grandfather’s death that till the very end having these weird feelings and just the things that came out of my heart and mind, even had the song that I felt was appropriate for his message, be the exact same one that his grandfather loved and listened with him as a kid, which then made me emotional. As a kid, my best friend Stephanie in junior high always would play a game with me to see what she was feeling and always nit it out of the park which in confrontation and the rage those who say I am wrong look says it all. The look I tend to see even as a kid in a dangerous situation where my life and the life of my cousin was endangered recall telling someone “don’t do it, your mom wouldn’t want you to” which had the person who had us at gunpoint have this fear in his eyes, then break down into tears, put the gun down and run., which looking back at it now thinking as a kid, it was a game (which in the world where hope is already gone) to protect the innocence of children to avoid thinking the world is doomed was always a game. Where reflecting back and toning about all the unexplained things that blessed me, has me questioning if this is in fact something that we don’t know. Where when I was growing up, miracles were something that restored hope. Even if it was temporary it was still progress for some. Which I will not look for the answers on purpose to find the truth behind it. I am not emotionally ready for all that. Whatever I am made to do know will be revealed to me. It doesn’t make me any special to me which is why I will never see it like this. I don’t see as making me a target because if something isn’t meant for you to know, it’s not your time. If it makes you feel less important, than that is something you have to work out is. Needless to say, the things I share is not out of my entitlement, it’s a collaboration of the things that happen that unless you know me personally and the many people I have associated with, would know. Those people already came around with threats saying if they would of done the right thing and didn’t do this to others, your behavioral pattern in your selfishness wouldn’t of been identified as this is the person you are known to be now. With that, comes this I am gonna sue you and say you lied. I rebuttal go ahead, I have nothing wroth suing for. That’s when the truth comes out. I have everything to sue for in their eyes; progress, reputation, respect, image, and all the things they still haven’t gained for themselves. One importation one is perceptions as those who still think I am fake will say that I will make sure people don’t perceive you like the saint you are. Truth is that came from my best friend.. Which I always admit I am not a saint. Because one thing I already come to terms with is that in my human nature, Ill never be the person perceive me as. IN the act of survival, if I need to lose or win, I will have to do what I need to do to protect myself with one difference in mind now and forever. Is your vendetta a persona attack that stems from something I did to you? Or is it from an inferior perception you made for yourself? And since those in the mindset lack the self control to control it. Are you capable in this inferiority to have self control as the retaliation is not the only thing that is the danger, it’s the things in that same false reality that will put someone at risk or in danger of their lives as in your act of inferiority will jeopardize those that you see have no value. Which today my grandmother said through the fear we have is the fear we take action on. Because the things we blame others, turn into something we fear that we along the line committed. Which is the act of trying to gain an audience inorganically by paying for followers, is something that can’t afford to be done.